OK, here’s the deal. I have a female friend who is an amazing singer and has sung on songs that I wrote. I’ve also helped her and her family out by giving some of my time and recording equipment to make some recordings. This gal wants to sing professionally so the music we’ve created may help her start her career. I have now moved down to Florida and she is still in Washington so we won’t be working on music together anymore. I have a concern that maybe she was just being friends with me because I had music equipment and I “fulfilled her musical needs” as she once put it. However, it may also just be insecurity on my part. It’s a really complicated situation. I feel like I get mixed messages of friendship from her…like her words demonstrate friendship but her actions sometimes don’t…and sometimes I get a vibe that she’s not all that interested in maintaining a friendship now that we’re apart. But it’s hard to tell. Basically, this gal is really flaky about returning phone calls or following through with stuff that she says she’s going to do. It got worse as the semester went on. For example, during my 4000 mile trip across the country by myself, I called a lot of friends on my cell to help pass the time and keep my sanity. I broke down in the desert and called her up to talk. She answered her cell and acted concerned but she had friends over so she said she would call me back. Well, a couple days pass and she didn’t call me. I call up again and leave a message, telling her to call when she’s got some free time but that I’d probably call again at some other point in my trip. A few days pass and she doesn’t call. I call again at another point in my trip and ask her to call me back. Don’t hear from her for the next 3 days. I call one last time and say I’m now in Florida and ask her to call back. Well, finally 4 days after that last phone call, she calls me back (which was yesterday). We talk for a bit and I tell her about my trip. I then ask her how she’s been doing but she starts to cut out because she’s in the middle of a really long drive across the state and her cell reception goes bad. So she says she’ll call me back. Well, that was yesterday and I have my doubts that I’m going to hear back from her. I have things narrowed down to two possibilities:
1. She's that way with a lot of people and it's nothing personal. I have a few friends who are like that...they take their own sweet time to call people back. I have a good friend who I called numerous times on the trip and he never called back, but I have no doubts about his friendship because we are lifelong friends and other people tell me that he's lazy about returning calls. This gal is a really laid back gal and she may be the same way. There have been a number of times where she has called me back but it's often at the very last second. So, there's evidence to support this possibility. The thing is, I don't know if she's this way with everyone or if she's just this way with me. If she's just this way with me, there's obviously a problem. There is evidence that she really is a true friend...we had a couple of conflicts through the semester that our friendship survived, and she helped me out at a time when I was stressed out. Also, if she was truly blowing me off, then I think she wouldn't even have answered her cell phone when I was stuck in the desert because it would've showed up on her caller ID. The last time I saw her in person she gave me a hug goodbye, told me she'd be keeping the same phone # and email, and told me to call her when I was in the Seattle area. Of course, that was weird in and of itself. I call her up and say I'll be down in Seattle on Saturday, Monday, and Thursday. I don't hear back for a couple days. I call on Saturday on my way down to Seattle and leave a message. She calls me back within a half hour but she is in Utah at her cousin's wedding. I call on Monday but I don't hear back. I call again Tuesday morning and I finally hear back Wednesday night, but she was working on Thursday from 11 to 4 and I was going to passing through Seattle at around 1 pm so I couldn't see her.
She has a reputation for being a really nice girl. Maybe too nice. Sometimes I wonder how up front she is. She is devout Mormon and she gives off an impression of being so nice that it almost feels fake at times. Sometimes I feel like she just blurts things out that she really doesn’t mean…like she’s just a social talker. I did ask her out way back in February and, rather than being straight up, she gave me a runaround answer…at first, she said yes, but then I followed up the next week and she said, “well, I’m pretty busy. We can probably work something out, but if not, maybe I can come over and hang out for like 10 minutes every now and then.” I was like, what? That was the weirdest answer I had ever gotten from a gal. I almost gave up on any type of friendship right there because it felt like she was sending me a message that I was only worth 10 minutes of her time. I forgave her and we settled into a friendship. But the nature of the friendship felt weird at times. Sometimes I feel like she’s only being my friend because she feels she has to be rather than she wants to be. At times I didn’t sense a lot of interest in me as a person…it felt like more she was just into the friendship for the music. We never really hung out outside of doing music together. She says tons of nice things to me but her actions, like being lazy about returning calls, are sending me a different message. Her actions at times are making me feel unvalued as a friend, and maybe even used and taken for granted. I’ve donated my time and equipment to help her and her family out. I’m not saying she owes me anything…friendship is about giving and not expecting anything in return. But she’s so flaky sometimes I wonder if I’m appreciated. The thing about this girl is that she is drop dead gorgeous (seriously, probably one of the most beautiful faces in the world), very talented (one of the most amazing female singers I’ve heard), and a great athlete (a volleyball player), and so she gets tons of attention, especially from the guys, so I wonder if she takes her friends for granted sometimes because she makes friends too easy. Sometimes the friendship doesn’t feel “real.” However, it may be just insecurity on my part. One thing that complicates all of this is that I still have some residual feelings for her so I may be just overly sensitive to her flaky behavior. Like I said, I have a few other flaky friends, and I just accept them for who they are and maybe I just need to accept her for who she is…if that’s what’s going on here. But it’s hard to tell. I have confronted her once before about this behavior and she told me that if I ever thought she was being flaky or insincere to tell her. I’m not exactly sure how to deal with this…part of me is feeling like I’m making more of a big deal out of it than I should. But another part of me is feeling like that I got taken advantage of. I can 1. Just let it go, maybe try calling her again in a few months just to say hi, and see what happens…that might give me a better idea of where the friendship lies. 2. Confront her about it again. However, I want to be careful about that. If her intentions are good and I bring this stuff up again, it may put a strain on the friendship…I don’t want to become a controlling friend due to my own insecurity. I’ll just end up pushing her away. This gal is super complicated and I can’t figure her out. So what’s all of your input?
People will probably flame you for this one… hell, I was about to, but I can understand the situation. Re-read this in a year, and you’ll wonder where your self-esteem was. Try this for now: be as friendly to her as she is to you. Don’t call, e-mail, write, etc. any more often than she does. Also, don’t whine to her, asking why she isn’t nicer to you. This will show that you have some self-respect, and that she has to work at the friendship also. If she truly offends you, is rude, or simply has no respect for you, just walk away! It doesn’t matter how hot she is if she isn’t doing you! And, if things just fall apart, there was really nothing there to begin with.
I’ve had female “friends” who sound a lot like the girl you’re describing, and without exception none of them were particularly interested in maintaining what I would call a friendship. Hate to say it, but the good-looking ones especially often hide behind their social life (“I’m too busy to have a boyfriend right now”) when they aren’t interested in a guy - that’s their “nice” way of telling you that you don’t have a chance.
You’ve written a seven-click post here. My advice? Forget her. Leave her your new contact info, then leave it up to her to call you once in a while. But it probably won’t happen.
first instinct…gut reaction…intuition…is always correct…stop reaching out and see if she calls you…you’ll see where the friendship lies…you probably know what’s up but are hoping she’ll change …bet you’re even thinking some day she’ll see what a great guy you are, and how you’re destined to be together…maybe just a “thank you blowjob”???..friends??? please!!
Occam’s Razor: The simplest solution is usually correct. (Or something like that.)
Think about it - You *want* to talk to her, so you *find* time to call her.
Did she use you? Maybe. Is she a flake? Probably. Is she interested in continuing your relationship? I wouldn't think so.
The only way to save your ego is to simply not call her. If you keep trying to call her, she'll keep cutting it short, and you'll feel lame. If you confront her, well, that just never works out.
If she wants to talk to you, she's got your number. My theory about women? They're all crazy. That's about all I can tell you.
Everything you said about this woman (except the volleyball thing) points to a woman that I know – mat even be the same person. Does she have two sons? Blond (I’m not saying anything negative about blonds, just that this woman I know is blond)? Any way, the answer to this is that you’re friends. Call her every once in a while (maybe once a month) just to keep in contact. If it’s a true friendship, you’ll both accept each other for who you are, and leave it at that.
This is a song from Blue October, and it pretty much sums it all up:
White kitchen walls with a thousand windows
you turn on Winston in the den
and I'm still asleep but I can hear the piano
when you make breakfast after 10
and I smell the coffee on your fingers
I still smell the perfume in the bed
the crushed linen roses on everything
and your still inside my head
you gotta make her know how it feels to miss youlet her know your swapping sides
you're not the one with all the problems no no
you're the one with all the pride
so just pick your head up boy and walk away
walk the coolest walk that you know
cause in a month or two she'll call you
you gotta hang up the phone
I hope she knows I got this memory
that won't ever seem to break or bend
a thick lock and sheetrock is on my windows in the kitchen
I dont think I'll ever take them down again
and I've learned a lot from all these break ups and make ups and fuck ups and fake ups
things that I wish you could comprehend, yeah comprehendbut for now I'll lace up my wingtip shoes, boysand I'll go and have breakfast with my good friends
you gotta make her know how it feels to miss youlet her know your swapping sides
you're not the one with all the problems
you're not the one with all the problems
you're the one with all the pride
you gotta make her know how it feels to miss you let her know your swapping spit
you're not the one with all the problems
you're not the one with all the problems
she's the one that's full of shit
so just pick your head up boy and walk away
walk the coolest walk that you know
I know you know that in a month or two she'll call you you gotta hang up the phone
Don’t call her again. Let her call you. If she wants to talk to you she will call you. If she doesn’t, oh well. Know if I could only follow that I would be all set and a little less stressed. lol
Yeah, you guys are right. I removed her from my cell phone list and my email list. No contact from now on. I feel a bit like a fool…gave her the benefit of the doubt way too much. For a while there I had a mix of a song we had worked on that I hadn’t given to her yet. I should’ve cut things off then…then I still had something she wanted. Well, now she’s got that. Oh well.
Forget her partner. If she isn’t going to take the time contact you then why should you take the time for her. I have known a lot of girls like this, and after so many times of let downs I finally figured this out. It ain’t worth it. Find someone better.
Do you want a friend or a girlfriend? This whole post sounded like you wanted more than a friendship. Hey, some friends are flaky. Some don’t return phone calls all the time. And some friends call other friends too damn much and that’s why they don’t get their phone calls returned! So maybe you should back off and chill out. Maybe she used you, maybe she didn’t. You let it happen either way buddy. Now that you’re in Florida, forget about it! Have fun and do your thing and make new friends.
Hey, Dogg, I used to rarely call this gal (once a week at the most, and it was only for music-related stuff and never just to talk or anything) and she sometimes didn’t return calls. Another prime example…I finished mixing a song and I called her up to come over to get a copy of it, she says she’s packing stuff up to go to Boise and she’d come get it on her way out and tells me she’ll call when she’s ready to come over…well, she ends up calling 2 days later from Boise. Towards the end we had one song to finish and I called her about finishing it and she say’d she’d call back and she didn’t. I had to call her again because we were running out of time and we finally got the song done. If I hadn’t bugged her about it I don’t think we would have gotten it done. I had then mixed another song for her (which I spent hours doing) to hear and wanted to get her pic up on our mp3 site but I was taking off the next morning so we had to do it that night. She said she’d call me later that night once she was ready to come over and then didn’t call at all. That’s when I got fed up with her flakiness and then confronted her about it. And the reason I called so much on my trip was because I called ALL my friends a bunch of times on that trip. You try driving 4000 miles and 8 days of driving by yourself. You’d be calling a lot of friends repeatedly too to help pass the time. So, yeah, towards the end, I called her too much, but only because it seemed like it was the only way to that she’d get back to me…it was because her track record about calling me back wasn’t very good.
Forget about it! You had to call her to remind her to do things that were beneficial to her. If she is so irresponsible or flaky, then she doesn’t deserve the reminders or phone calls. She acts like a little kid and you have to be a “parent” in order to get her to do things. It’s not worth the frusturation. Nah, I could drive 4,000 miles by myself and not call everybody to pass the time. Yes, if I was traveling 4,000 miles by myself I would be calling my girlfriend, but that’s a bit different. If I didn’t have a girlfriend and did like you did, I wouldn’t make too many calls. I’d rather cruise to the music and do my thing. But we’re probably different in many respects. It’s all good bro. Move on, have fun! She’ll call you again one day when she remembers what she needs from you.
Hey, the only reason hot chicks get by life so easy is the fact that so many guys worship the ground they walk on. Think about it, if we treated hot girls like everybody else, they wouldn’t have the “free ride” that they are accustomed to. Besides that, most of the really hot chicks I’ve met or known usually have a host of problems and insecurities.
Yeah, Dublin. Everything is handed to them on a silver platter and they take it for granted. Also, Dogg, you’re right that you and I are different. I’m a guy that if I have too much time to myself, I think about things too much and get too self-absorbed. I get restless as well. I need people to talk to to keep myself from doing that. Plus, at times my CD player wasn’t working and I get sick of the radio. I’m not contacting this chick anymore…I removed her from my email address book and my cell phone list. I don’t even want the temptation to contact her. I also took all her info off my mp3.com site and her picture will be removed soon. I think Dublin’s right, though. I doubt I’ll ever hear from her again. She has things too easy and thus takes it all for granted. That’s probably why she’s flaky and irresponsible. There are potential consequences here for taking action, but there are also consequences for not taking action. If she does value me as a friend, and I don’t contact her for a long time, she’ll suddenly wonder what’s up…why I was calling her all the time and then suddenly stopped. Maybe she’ll check the mp3 site and suddenly find out none of her info is on there anymore. So not taking action is the right thing to do in that case. However, if she doesn’t value me as a friend, then I’ll never hear from her anyway. If that’s the case and I don’t speak my mind now, I’ve lost my chance to speak my mind. I know for sure that I’m not going to contact her anymore. I’m just debating whether to just tell her off before I quit making contact. She told me how she loses a lot of guy friends. Hmmmm. I’m wondering if part of the problem is her?
Exactly, Nate Dogg. I think this chick has the same problem. She has a group of guys that follow her around, calling her, etc. I call it her beehive, someone else referred to it as her fan club. She has it too easy and thus takes it for granted. I got sucked up into the same problem. I wish I had come to my senses sooner…I would then have still had mixes of songs that she wanted and I would’ve had hand in the situation.