I got offered a great piece of advice once…
‘You can’t change people. All you can do is change your reaction to them’
From, “Dealing with toxic people”, by Danielle Barone
“Realize that toxic people can drain your health, energy, well being and sanity. It helps to move away from toxic people and move towards people who are positive and uplifting. Positive people are a blessing. Rely on your instincts, they never lie. Train yourself to move away from what hurts you and move towards what feels good. This is one of the smartest life skills you can learn, and also one of the best gifts you can ever give to yourself.”
There are so many books, videos and websites about dealing with toxic people that state that toxic people can be bad for your health and prevent you from living a fulfilled life. Anyway, the best of luck to you (OP), I hope that your move brings you peace in your life.
Tanks for the supportive replies
I have made immature posts in the past
But the past does not equate the present
Toxic or not, there is no free lunch!
There is no such thing as something for nothing. I realized that my parents are working hard to put food on the table, pay rent, electricity and so on. In return, they expect me to behave as they wish.
In a way, I have abused my mother’s hospitality because I am not willing to pay the price she is asking.I am a student, and a responsible one. I believe the price for freedom is responsibility. Moving out is simply the next step to independence I need to unleash my potential. I spend most of my free time in a public library reading about human nature and business so I can finish a business project my associate and I have been working on for 4 months.
I truly believe her intentions are good. It’s the uses of intimidation and put-downs to make her points that’s affects me. I am also very aware of the affect people have on us and I do all i can to avoid ‘people taxes’ my close circle of friends are net-producers of positive energy and I am blessed to have them.
I would like to tank you all for making me ask myself the right questions
The decision is made and there is no turning back.
Professor, you had definiteness of purpose, a vision, you wanted to be a doctor and you were willing to pay the price. You knew what you wanted, how to get it and you went for it. We are not so different. If you have any advice I would gladly hear them.
Respectfully, David
[quote]Kehaya wrote:
Just remember she is your mom, and you wouldn’t have a life without her. Being a parent is hard work. You shouldn’t look down on her for asking what you did during the day, or where you were. That means she cares about you. There are tons of kids out there who wish someone cared about them and asked what THEY did that day.
Good luck on your move. Make sure you invite her over once you are settled in.[/quote]
I am very grateful to have her, she has taught me allot.
Her asking me want i did and where i went is an understatement, I do not wish to criticize or blame her on the internet or anywhere else. It’s not what you do; it’s how you do it.
If you want thrust, respect and love, do not ask for it. Give it. And i beleave i do
[quote]stockzy wrote:
I got offered a great piece of advice once…
‘You can’t change people. All you can do is change your reaction to them’
[/quote]
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”
Albert Einstein
I choose love and respect
[quote]conner wrote:
So you see life as one big challenge, but when you’re faced with an obstacle at home your first instinct is to cut and run? Good luck in the real world.
…[/quote]
This is what I was thinking after I read the post earlier today, but I was worried about being labeled as a toxic suppressive terribly abusive person if I said anything.
[quote]110% wrote:
stockzy wrote:
I got offered a great piece of advice once…
‘You can’t change people. All you can do is change your reaction to them’
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”
Albert Einstein
I choose love and respect
[/quote]
You choose buzzwords because you’re a spineless child with an inability to communicate to a woman who you say is a “great person.”
You choose love and respect. You don’t want toxic people in your life. This sounds like Erhard Seminars Training, which everything motivational and completely without substance has descended from, while EST itself essentially descended from Scientology.
Oh no, your mother is being a parent and actually asking you where you go. Oh no, you can’t be who she wants you to be. You’re not going to take it anymore and you’re going to move out and make your way in the world! That’ll show her! That suppressive abusive influence who raised you, worked to feed you and has concern for your well-being!
No offense to chinadoll, but so much of this is absolute garbage. People use this ‘suppressive personality’ bullshit as an excuse for removing people from their lives who are realistic and have an opinion as a means of compensating for people in their past who were malicious, and who they were too chickenshit to handle. Insulation does you no favors when you eventually collide with reality.
You post a thread about being a man (you’re not), and how you have to purge bad people (they’re not) from your life. You post about how you’re leaving (you probably won’t), and you’re going to live on your own (you definitely won’t). What do you want, a fucking medal?
[quote]Dweezil wrote:
conner wrote:
So you see life as one big challenge, but when you’re faced with an obstacle at home your first instinct is to cut and run? Good luck in the real world.
…
This is what I was thinking after I read the post earlier today, but I was worried about being labeled as a toxic suppressive terribly abusive person if I said anything.
110% wrote:
stockzy wrote:
I got offered a great piece of advice once…
‘You can’t change people. All you can do is change your reaction to them’
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”
Albert Einstein
I choose love and respect
You choose buzzwords because you’re a spineless child with an inability to communicate to a woman who you say is a “great person.”
You choose love and respect. You don’t want toxic people in your life. This sounds like Erhard Seminars Training, which everything motivational and completely without substance has descended from, while EST itself essentially descended from Scientology.
Oh no, your mother is being a parent and actually asking you where you go. Oh no, you can’t be who she wants you to be. You’re not going to take it anymore and you’re going to move out and make your way in the world! That’ll show her! That suppressive abusive influence who raised you, worked to feed you and has concern for your well-being!
No offense to chinadoll, but so much of this is absolute garbage. People use this ‘suppressive personality’ bullshit as an excuse for removing people from their lives who are realistic and have an opinion as a means of compensating for people in their past who were malicious, and who they were too chickenshit to handle. Insulation does you no favors when you eventually collide with reality.
You post a thread about being a man (you’re not), and how you have to purge bad people (they’re not) from your life. You post about how you’re leaving (you probably won’t), and you’re going to live on your own (you definitely won’t). What do you want, a fucking medal? [/quote]
I agree with every word. I knew kids getting ABUSED at home. They were getting beaten on a regular basis. THAT is “toxic”. Your mom asking where the hell you were or getting upset and telling you to quit acting like a dumbass every once in a while is NOT toxic.
This kid can’t even spell correctly but is quoting Einstein. Are you kidding me? How does this get sympathy on this board? Anyone who dares question what you do is now labeled as “toxic”? Anyone who disagrees with your choices is now “toxic”?
Toxic is going home to an alcoholic parent who beats the shit out of you nightly and calls a 16 year old girl a whore on a daily basis. Toxic is NOT asking whose house you were at or where you were.
Toxic is being put down so many times that you actually believe the insults and start displaying it by scratching yourself in your sleep when you happen to be one of the smartest and most beautiful girls in the 10th grade.
That shit actually happened to someone. That’s toxic. This thread…it’s just lame.
We all have people who may not agree with our choices. That doesn’t make them “toxic”. It makes them opinionated. Unless they are truly holding you back instead of looking out for your best interests, to label with some malicious intent is just weak and stupid.
Someone strong should be able to deal with people who may doubt them. If anything, it should make you stronger, not take away your drive.
[quote]Dweezil wrote:
No offense to chinadoll, but so much of this is absolute garbage. People use this ‘suppressive personality’ bullshit as an excuse for removing people from their lives who are realistic and have an opinion as a means of compensating for people in their past who were malicious, and who they were too chickenshit to handle. Insulation does you no favors when you eventually collide with reality.
[/quote]
I agree with this.
There are people who truly should be cut out.
Your crack dealing friend? Move on. That buddy from highschool that just got busted (again) for rape charges? Hang up the phone.
Most other people are not this extreme. If you are not strong enough of a person to deal with a little criticism or “negativity,” what makes you think you will do any better in the “real world,” where you don’t get to filter every little stimulus? That doesn’t mean you have to spend all your time with “negative” people. It is good to have a variety in one’s friends.
I’m not sure I trust people who make major life decisions based solely on the advice of self-help or pop-psychology books.
[quote]Professor X wrote:
We all have people who may not agree with our choices. That doesn’t make them “toxic”. It makes them opinionated. [/quote]
You’re just saying that because you’re holding back all those 110lb guys from getting to 105. You are toxic, Prof, and we’re enabling it!
[quote]chinadoll wrote:
There is a little clique I know whom are lying…
[/quote]
It should read “WHO are lying.”
[quote]sasquatch wrote:
So-my advice to you is to take your own advice. That would be to stop pissing and moaning when someone disagrees with you.
Enjoy your evening. [/quote]
That’s excellent advice, hope u practice it as well.
And i hope u have a wonderfull evening as well.
[quote]nephorm wrote:
There are people who truly should be cut out.
Your crack dealing friend? Move on. That buddy from highschool that just got busted (again) for rape charges? Hang up the phone.
Most other people are not this extreme. If you are not strong enough of a person to deal with a little criticism or “negativity,” what makes you think you will do any better in the “real world,” where you don’t get to filter every little stimulus? That doesn’t mean you have to spend all your time with “negative” people. It is good to have a variety in one’s friends.[/quote]
I think there is a fine line between people who are legitimately negative and people who just plain don’t see things the way we do and therefore we label as “negative”. It’s good and very, very healthy to associate with people who see things differently than you do, it can give you perspective that you might otherwise miss.
As an example of both, I have a good friend whose political views are almost completely opposite of mine. We still get together on a regular basis and have lively debates about our world views and we’re still friends afterwards despite my severe skewering of his logic. 
My brother, on the other, is one of those people who isn’t happy unless he’s complaining. He complains about his wife, his business, his employees, his kids, his ex-wife, Dad, etc. If he has nothing legitimate to complain about, he creates things to complain about. He talks behind people’s backs and spreads rumors. As such, I choose not to spend much time around him. I talk to him about once every two months or so and see him briefly during the major holidays and my life is better for the distance between us. I still love him because he’s my brother, but I love him from a distance.
Oh, your mom is ‘TOXIC’, huh?
That’s a stupid, useless buzzword. It’s made up. It’s meant to create a mental image and convey a certain message: Stay away. Bad person.
Whatever.
Buzzwords piss me off. Here is what your mom is:
She’s a human being. She has a lifetime of experiences that inform her behavior and attitudes. She loves you. And you only get one mother. And no one, NO ONE will ever love you like she loves you. That’s a fact. So deal with her behavior. Help her when you can. But love her and be there for her because she loves you and she’ll be there for you. That’s they way it works. Your mom’s not “TOXIC”. She’s human, you dick.
tanks for the perspective
i’ll tell you how it goes.
I never knew a mother caring what you were doing and where you were is a bad thing. Its called being an involved parent.
Grow the fuck up.
[quote]adisaac wrote:
My brother, on the other, is one of those people who isn’t happy unless he’s complaining. He complains about his wife, his business, his employees, his kids, his ex-wife, Dad, etc. If he has nothing legitimate to complain about, he creates things to complain about. He talks behind people’s backs and spreads rumors. As such, I choose not to spend much time around him.[/quote]
If you don’t want to hang out with your brother… don’t. You are an adult. I am not saying that anyone is required to spend time with anyone else. What I am saying is let’s not manufacture some bullshit terminology to eliminate more people from our lives.
[quote]Professor X wrote:
Toxic is going home to an alcoholic parent who beats the shit out of you nightly and calls a 16 year old girl a whore on a daily basis. Toxic is NOT asking whose house you were at or where you were.
Toxic is being put down so many times that you actually believe the insults and start displaying it by scratching yourself in your sleep when you happen to be one of the smartest and most beautiful girls in the 10th grade.
That shit actually happened to someone. That’s toxic.[/quote]
I agree. This is a good definition of “toxic”.
This doesn’t have anything to do with Professor X’s post: I don’t think it makes a person a weak person to recognize unhealthy, truly toxic situations and take appropriate steps to change the situation or yourself. It’s the smart thing to do, it’s called survival.
[quote]chinadoll wrote:
I agree. This is a good definition of “toxic”.
This doesn’t have anything to do with Professor X’s post: I don’t think it makes a person a weak person to recognize unhealthy, truly toxic situations and take appropriate steps to change the situation or yourself. It’s the smart thing to do, it’s called survival. [/quote]
Abusive is the latest buzzword. I was visiting a friend who was down here from Washington for a few days, and she was staying with her sister who we both despise. I brought my dog along, it was still a puppy and I was uncomfortable leaving it alone for hours on end. The dog jumps on the couch in the ‘living area’ of the condo community (these places range from 1.2-2.2 million) and the sister gets on me about it, even though other people there have dogs in the living area, and kids running up and down the place like it’s Chuck E. Cheese.
This bitch has phases. She used to workout and fuck everything that moved and wash her car in her bikini, now she’s all motivational and fat wearing sweatpants and big white t-shirts and she sees a therapist a day. She tried to get me to attend a “Summit” Seminar, and I went to a ‘graduation party’. The only thing that stopped me from vomiting the entire way through was one good looking woman I was looking at. God bless eye candy.
She calls her parents ‘abusive and toxic’, while she’s practically a DAR girl. Her father is aloof, her mother is an airhead, but they’re nice people. She’s a whiny spoiled bitch. These motivational seminars are becoming Scientology without the body thetans and space aliens.
I gave her ‘the look’, she shut it. I was still pissed. She never shuts the fuck up about everything. Everything has to be discussed for hours on end.
I bring this example up because the kid in this thread, if he doesn’t stop being a moron, is going to be her in 20 years.
Removing truly abusive people from your life is fine, being a weak whiny little shell of a human being who is incapable of handling one iota of criticism and using that as an excuse to remove people from your life is pathetic.
I agree that the OP’s problems with his mom may not be “toxic” or “abusive”. And yes, there are so many whiney people, trust me working in the EMS field where some people will consider “extreme suffering” a hangnail or the emotional toil of their kids cutting out of school to take priority over people critical condition barely holding onto life.
At the same time, I wouldn’t globally discount when someone says they have “toxic” and “abusive” situations…maybe it’s my own experiences, but there are tons of people in this world who are like Prof x’s example and even much much worse every day who are experiencing true abuse and toxicity in their lives. It would be foolish in many situations to tell them to try to work it out with somone who will never change and to stand in judgement. Just because you haven’t experienced it, doesn’t mean that no one else does.
His mom asked him about his day. His mom asked where he was or where he was going.
Hardly toxic by any definition