Yep, when I was typing that post, I had the same response. My feelings for her are strong - I can honestly say I love her - but that doesn’t change the relational dynamics or whatever she does or doesn’t feel for me.
This. I knew you’d have insight I need to hear. Thank you. If you have the time to answer a follow-up question, what about the relationship doesn’t sound to you like she/we like each other very, very well? She says to me she likes me, is attracted to me, likes sharing her day with me, etc., but I just don’t feel it.
You’re right, being alone at leas had the hope and option of finding and establishing a new, healthy, satisfying relationship. My history with my girlfriend keeps me circling her, and her me, but I always arrive at the same place with her.
I’m not that read into your scenario, man, but it’s plain to see saying this woman is not making you happier than not dating this woman. Why take that any further?
When dating her, it’s a darned if I do, darned if I don’t scenario. I was pretty freaking miserable after we broke up in 2017. When we reconnected last winter, I couldn’t get past how happy I was to spend time with her again, so after a few months, I re-opened dating. After a few more months though, it’s all looped back to why I ended things last time - her emotional disconnect from me and the weird thing she has for her brother-in-law.
I think this is accurate. For a couple months, she was on a kick about how her niece (sister’s and bro in law’s daughter) looks like her (my girlfriend) and not her sister.
She went so far as to go to her parent’s house, take out all the old photo albums and collections, locate every childhood photo of herself and her sister when they were her niece’s age, and meticulously photograph with her cell phone every one of those childhood pictures. She spent hours on this project, taking several pictures of every old photograph to get the light and angles perfect. Then, she studied the hundreds of pictures she’d taken, comparing them to hundreds of pictures of her niece. She chose a dozen of herself and a dozen correlative of her niece in which she believes her niece looks more like her than her sister. She then emailed that set of photographs to her bro in law to prove her niece looks like her and not her sister.
Ok, it also sounds like she’s very into herself. I’m not sure what her childhood was like, but that could also be some “seeking approval from her dad” type stuff since you mentioned that he looks like her dad.
Either way, it doesn’t seem like she’s into you and that’s all that matters at this point. Sorry, man, but she’s not the one for you. End it and move on for good.
I cared tremendously for girls from my past relationships. I loved them but they weren’t the one so I had to move on. It was hard but necessary.
Sorry, my friend, but that’s a self-confidence thing; it’s got nothing to do with her. You feel that way because, somewhere in you, you think you left the best thing you’ll find. It’s not the case!
I think this is the crux of it. I know I sound harsh but I wasted too much time believing my ex cared about me more than he did. All the signs were there but I didn’t want to see them. Same goes for my side of the equation. I wanted him to more than he was capable of being, and he the same of me. We made good friends but terrible husband and wife.
One of my peeps married the same guy 3 times. Did it work? Nope. He was the same person all 3 times.
You don’t get the years back. Then you have doubts about what could have been. That outright sucks.
My best friend and were friends for over 20 years and the reason was… we didn’t want to change each other. You have to love the person for who and what they are, not what you want them to be.
That was a fantastic boost. Thank you, CL. Your points about wondering about missed opportunities, wasted years, and not being able to change someone are what my heart’s been realizing recently.
I’m up early to go to the beach in hurricane remnants, but briefly here is my take on your goal ideally: it is to find someone who provides for YOUR needs. Whom YOU find interesting and enlivening, and who makes YOU feel like you’ve captured the best thing ever. Her job is to do the same, so her mystifying behavior toward you is beside the point. You can’t succeed by trying to be what she wants and needs - that’s her job. Your only job is to find the joy of your life; someone who prioritizes your needs at the same top level she prioritizes her own. Both of you: happy at top levels.
There’s a saying (Facebook circa 2014) that goes “When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.” THIS. Do you want a wife who touches other men? One of my husband’s friends touched my butt one night (drunk, camping…“I was trying to get your phone”) and I have never since trusted him or liked him. Not because I’m so feminist that I can’t handle saying “You don’t get to touch my ass,” which I did, but because of the betrayal of my husband it represented. His supposed best friend. Thank god I’m not married to that guy. I don’t care how drunk you are, it’s still you doing the things you do.
Do you want a wife who puts up barriers in bed, or one who joyously snuggles you (until your arm falls off from lack of blood flow, lol) as she goes to sleep? How long before you’re sent to sleep somewhere else? Personally, when I hug my husband from behind, I want him to turn immediately to hug me from the front. If he ever evaded my kiss without saying something about having a mouthful of cottage cheese or the like, I’d be devastated. I would take it as a huge red flag.
Don’t worry about her motives. Worry about yours. Good luck.
Thanks! Oddly enough, for the past decade, if I skip either cardio OR weight training, I don’t feel sufficiently exercised. I have to have both. And unlike my teens and 20s, nowadays doing some sort of cardio literally feels good.
The thing I like about toes to bar is I can do single reps and still feel like I’ve worked out. They’re like deadlifts for abs, at least psychologically.
Most excellent post. I’ll reply more fully in the near future, when I’m not up super late and fixing to go to bed. Have a fun and safe hurricane-remnant beach trip!
This right here is proof that the ARC is not superior to the elliptical. I cover about one mile every 10 minutes on the elliptical. You’re moving at just a shade above 3.0 mph which is walking speed for me.
Felt great. Didn’t rush rowing or transitions between exercises. Would like to reduce time to 20:00. Might do some curls 'n stuff in a little while. Might simply rest.
Rest day, other than a dog walk. My back’s a bit sore between the shoulder blades from yesterday’s rower and I meant to mention yesterday how, while doing push-ups, my pecs and from delts were sore from Wednesday’s 35 bodyweight dips. They didn’t seem like much work at the time, but they obviously still had a training effect.
I’m finally beginning to understand the process of slow and steady progression.
