Before you even lawyer up, get all of your money into your own accounts she does not have access to. Then lawyer up. Be real nice and friendly until you get your money squared away. Possession is 9/10ths of the law as they say. It’s better to have to give her money back then it is trying to get your money out of her.
I would suggest you get all your shit together, get everything you want to keep out of the house, get your lawyer and then spring everything at once. Just don’t let her control your cash or you will never, ever see it again. Again, do it before you lawyer up. A lawyer cannot suggest you do it, but off the record they recommended it. Once you lawyer up, you basically go into a cash freeze situation, that’s why you do it before hand.
[quote]paulypaul wrote:
To make matters worse, she is getting a Maltese dog, something I “gave” to her as an anniversary present. Now I am a major dog lover, but try as I might I just can’t get into these f****** things, they are just too much of a girly dog, both her and her daughter LOVE it.
Anyway, in more important matters, I am in touch with a lawyer and he has all the relevant info needed to serve divorce ppwk, I just need to give the go ahead. I know several guys said to go with a female attorney which makes great sense, but I had already been in touch with this guy from a few months ago.
Now I just have to conquer all my fears and uncertainties to move on this. Hardest thing I have ever faced in my life.[/quote]
Oh fuck the dog. The shelters are full of good dogs you can get later. Take no steps that will drag this out a second longer than it has to be. Secure your cash or you will lose it, that’s just a fact. That’s the single most important thing you need to do. Make sure when you go into cash freeze, your coffers are full. After the thing get’s started, every movement is tracked and whatever you obtain after the fact will be considered an asset you will have to share.
The lawyer advice is great, but get your $$ the fuck out of her hands. The lawyer cannot help you with that and once the ball gets rolling your screwed.
Also, it really doesn’t matter female or male lawyer. If you don’t have custody issues, there’s not going to be a lot of play in the law. The law is the law and that’s what they will go by. The only thing that rocks that boat is kids. If you don’t have any, then everything is pretty much going to go by the book. There’s basically a 10% deviation of assets depending on who’s at fault. If she was unfaithful or something, then the 10% goes in your favor, if it’s the other way around it will go in hers. If it’e equal fault it will go straight down the middle.
This is a major life upheaval for you, for the lawyers and judges it’s just another day of work. They do thousands of divorces a year, your situation is nothing special to them. They’ve seen it a million times.
[quote]angry chicken wrote:
Lawyer. The most evil conniving female lawyer you can afford. I love female divorce lawyers. If you’ve been only married a year and are unemployed, I wouldn’t worry too much about alimony LOL.
Start seeing a shrink as well - even if it’s just to talk about the weather (although it will be money well spent if you figure out some of the issues that drove you to marry someone so unstable). If things are too bad, you might be able to work the “constructive desertion” which will keep her on her heels and put her on defense. Offer her the carrot or the stick: she can A) move out and you’ll help her get an apartment, or B) you file for a divorce based on constructive desertion and seek alimony from HER (she’s the one working, after all - why shouldn’t she pay YOU?). When you break it to her, have a witness around so that she can’t start anything violent or say you hit her or something like that.
Also, after you tell her, sleep in a LOCKED ROOM until she leaves. Bitches be crazy.
Lawyer, lawyer, lawyer.[/quote]
THIS. I’m going through a divorce right now. Nasty one. OP, angry chicken has some good points.
Alimony? You’ve been married a year. You have little to worry about. Hell, if you are married less than a year, get an annulment!
Talk to a female attorney (mine is and AC is right on this one as well) and explain your wife scares you. Female attorneys for some reason absolutely hate crazy wives. My attorney found out that what I said about my wife was true (very violent) and discounted her rate 50% right of the bat. Two others would have done the same.
Don’t put this off. I tried to work it out and basically lost 6 months. I have kids, you don’t. Get it done, and get it done now.
That said, you not having a job could be making you feel that matters are worse than they are. Get a job, any job, and if that improves things…great, if not: LAWYER![/quote]
If you don’t have kids alimony is very unlikely. The only way she could get alimony is if she could prove he fucked her completely over financially.
Well, as far as finances go, we have separate accounts, nothing shared. She was okay with that in the beginning but lately she has been getting more curious as to what I have, especially since I am out of work and she doesn’t hear me complaining
I do have some okay savings. Better than average? I don’t know what average is considered. I am also getting unemployment. I have never been open with her and my finances because her track record of responsibility is terrible. She has significant debt (not for responsible stuff); next to no savings and only about 10k saved for retirement. I almost got a pre-nup but decided against it because those require full disclosure and if she knew everything, she would constantly nag me to buy this and that. I would love to be open with my spouse about these things, but it socks when you can’t trust someone because they are bossy and controlling. She also was demanding a deck added to the house recently. Who does that when you are out of work? After arguing back and forth, I put it off until next year. Wound up getting her the aforementioned dog which is about 1/5 the price of a deck, buy I hate the thing. She thinks it’s a human baby lol
[quote]paulypaul wrote:
I have never been open with her and my finances because her track record of responsibility is terrible. She has significant debt (not for responsible stuff); next to no savings and only about 10k saved for retirement. I almost got a pre-nup but decided against it because those require full disclosure and if she knew everything, she would constantly nag me to buy this and that. I would love to be open with my spouse about these things, but it socks when you can’t trust someone because they are bossy and controlling. [/quote]
Wow, she sounds like a peach. Now I know why you snatched her up.
For anyone not yet married and reading this: these are huge red flags. When you don’t want to tell your soon-to-be life partner what you own because she would constantly nag you…don’t get married to her.
Unfortunately, I can only work with the here and now
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
[quote]paulypaul wrote:
I have never been open with her and my finances because her track record of responsibility is terrible. She has significant debt (not for responsible stuff); next to no savings and only about 10k saved for retirement. I almost got a pre-nup but decided against it because those require full disclosure and if she knew everything, she would constantly nag me to buy this and that. I would love to be open with my spouse about these things, but it socks when you can’t trust someone because they are bossy and controlling. [/quote]
Wow, she sounds like a peach. Now I know why you snatched her up.
For anyone not yet married and reading this: these are huge red flags. When you don’t want to tell your soon-to-be life partner what you owe because she would constantly nag you…don’t get married to her.
[/quote]
[quote]paulypaul wrote:
Well, as far as finances go, we have separate accounts, nothing shared. She was okay with that in the beginning but lately she has been getting more curious as to what I have, especially since I am out of work and she doesn’t hear me complaining
I do have some okay savings. Better than average? I don’t know what average is considered. I am also getting unemployment. I have never been open with her and my finances because her track record of responsibility is terrible. She has significant debt (not for responsible stuff); next to no savings and only about 10k saved for retirement. I almost got a pre-nup but decided against it because those require full disclosure and if she knew everything, she would constantly nag me to buy this and that. I would love to be open with my spouse about these things, but it socks when you can’t trust someone because they are bossy and controlling. She also was demanding a deck added to the house recently. Who does that when you are out of work? After arguing back and forth, I put it off until next year. Wound up getting her the aforementioned dog which is about 1/5 the price of a deck, buy I hate the thing. She thinks it’s a human baby lol [/quote]
Being out of work right now, if you can maintain is your best friend. the less you have, the less she can get. Also dumping your assets to family members you can trust, like selling your car to your mom for a dollar is another way to protect your ass.
The reason I am harping on money is because in your situation, it’s the single biggest issue. Whether you think it is now or not, it is in the end. The less she knows the better. I am not suggesting you take her stuff, I am just suggesting you take yours and protect what you have. If she has access to anything of yours change it or move the money. Protect your assets. Any property or anything like that, again if you can temporarily rid yourself of them to people you can trust then do so.
For instance, if you sold a motorcycle, she could be entitled to half the sale. But if you have family you can trust, that sale can be a dollar, and you can hand her 50 cents. Then you can buy it back after the divorce is final.
The assets your lawyer cannot help you with much, that’s why you have to go ahead and take care of it before hand. Once the process starts, everything is monitored and you cannot make any big moves.
Being out of work right now, if you can maintain is your best friend. the less you have, the less she can get. Also dumping your assets to family members you can trust, like selling your car to your mom for a dollar is another way to protect your ass.
Protect your assets. Any property or anything like that, again if you can temporarily rid yourself of them to people you can trust then do so.
For instance, if you sold a motorcycle, she could be entitled to half the sale. But if you have family you can trust, that sale can be a dollar, and you can hand her 50 cents. Then you can buy it back after the divorce is final.
The assets your lawyer cannot help you with much, that’s why you have to go ahead and take care of it before hand. Once the process starts, everything is monitored and you cannot make any big moves. [/quote]
Absolutely awful advice. The worst advice in the thread by far.
What you’re suggesting is called fraudulent conveyance and you are inviting the judge to comb over every inch of your assets and bend you over as best he can. Do you honestly think no one has ever thought of this before?
To use your example, if she was entitled to half of the value of his motorcycle and he sold it to a friend for $1, then she would still get half the value. But in this case it would come out of his half of the assets.
[quote]paulypaul wrote:
Unfortunately, I can only work with the here and now
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
[quote]paulypaul wrote:
I have never been open with her and my finances because her track record of responsibility is terrible. She has significant debt (not for responsible stuff); next to no savings and only about 10k saved for retirement. I almost got a pre-nup but decided against it because those require full disclosure and if she knew everything, she would constantly nag me to buy this and that. I would love to be open with my spouse about these things, but it socks when you can’t trust someone because they are bossy and controlling. [/quote]
Wow, she sounds like a peach. Now I know why you snatched her up.
For anyone not yet married and reading this: these are huge red flags. When you don’t want to tell your soon-to-be life partner what you owe because she would constantly nag you…don’t get married to her.
[/quote]
[/quote]
Perhaps you should consider that now is the time for some emotional growth? Because that’s some seriously goofy thinking.
Being out of work right now, if you can maintain is your best friend. the less you have, the less she can get. Also dumping your assets to family members you can trust, like selling your car to your mom for a dollar is another way to protect your ass.
Protect your assets. Any property or anything like that, again if you can temporarily rid yourself of them to people you can trust then do so.
For instance, if you sold a motorcycle, she could be entitled to half the sale. But if you have family you can trust, that sale can be a dollar, and you can hand her 50 cents. Then you can buy it back after the divorce is final.
The assets your lawyer cannot help you with much, that’s why you have to go ahead and take care of it before hand. Once the process starts, everything is monitored and you cannot make any big moves. [/quote]
Absolutely awful advice. The worst advice in the thread by far.
What you’re suggesting is called fraudulent conveyance and you are inviting the judge to comb over every inch of your assets and bend you over as best he can. Do you honestly think no one has ever thought of this before?
To use your example, if she was entitled to half of the value of his motorcycle and he sold it to a friend for $1, then she would still get half the value. But in this case it would come out of his half of the assets.
[/quote]
Well… you do have to protect yourself even in the face of being borderline fraudulent. It is the burden of her lawyer to dig that stuff up, and don’t make it easy for her. Refuse to pay her lawyer (always great advice) and its a different tune when those $400/hour bills start adding up.
I’m fortunate that my divorce was a slam-dunk even though we owned a house together. I was out of work due to an accident and I conveniently got lost for a couple of years.
In the case of the OP owning a house, that’s bad luck especially if there is potential for her to grab 1/2 of it. Options… make her a cash buyout offer for maybe 1/5 of the value of the house. Chances are she’ll grab it and be gone. Make her… er… make her lawyer work for what she wants. Gather up all financial records, deed to the house, etc. and have a close friend sit on them. I’ve had lots of things stashed in my house and garage over the years for friends who were in need. Don’t trust a safety deposit box. The less she knows about your finances, the better for you.
[quote]paulypaul wrote:
To make matters worse, she is getting a Maltese dog, something I “gave” to her as an anniversary present. Now I am a major dog lover, but try as I might I just can’t get into these f****** things, they are just too much of a girly dog, both her and her daughter LOVE it.
Anyway, in more important matters, I am in touch with a lawyer and he has all the relevant info needed to serve divorce ppwk, I just need to give the go ahead. I know several guys said to go with a female attorney which makes great sense, but I had already been in touch with this guy from a few months ago.
Now I just have to conquer all my fears and uncertainties to move on this. Hardest thing I have ever faced in my life.[/quote]
This is the hardest thing you have ever faced in your life??? GOOD GOD.
[/quote]
Are you actually surprised by this? I fail to see why this is so unbelievable. Not everyone is a colossal fuck up or someone who has to deal with losing their house or their family or whatever. I mean for most of us this is just middle class America… Wtf kind of problems do you expect people to have? Divorce seems like an incredibly likely candidate for the hardest thing someone his age would have faced. What would be worthy enough for you? Not everyone has a hard life, some of us have it pretty fucking nice, and that is fine imo.
[quote]paulypaul wrote:
To make matters worse, she is getting a Maltese dog, something I “gave” to her as an anniversary present. Now I am a major dog lover, but try as I might I just can’t get into these f****** things, they are just too much of a girly dog, both her and her daughter LOVE it.
Anyway, in more important matters, I am in touch with a lawyer and he has all the relevant info needed to serve divorce ppwk, I just need to give the go ahead. I know several guys said to go with a female attorney which makes great sense, but I had already been in touch with this guy from a few months ago.
Now I just have to conquer all my fears and uncertainties to move on this. Hardest thing I have ever faced in my life.[/quote]
This is the hardest thing you have ever faced in your life??? GOOD GOD.
[/quote]
Are you actually surprised by this? I fail to see why this is so unbelievable. Not everyone is a colossal fuck up or someone who has to deal with losing their house or their family or whatever. I mean for most of us this is just middle class America… Wtf kind of problems do you expect people to have? Divorce seems like an incredibly likely candidate for the hardest thing someone his age would have faced. What would be worthy enough for you? Not everyone has a hsrd life, some of us have it pretty fucking nice, and that is fine imo.[/quote]
Yes I am surprised by his statement. Especially when it comes right after:
and the relationship is as such:
There is no hint of moral guilt in his posts although certain vows were taken when he entered into marriage.
There are no thought of “maybe I need to get a job and work things out” as this may be a temporary phase due to his unemployment.
There is not much concern in his posts for the future welfare of his soon-to-be ex-spouse (who is also already middle aged) and step daughter who has “established a life for herself and is taking a class and volunteering” (and I assume, has been uprooted from wherever she was previously).
Instead:
and:
Come on. He’s a middle aged man.
I’m sure others who have gone through divorce would have gone through much more mental turmoil.
And no, I have never been a colossal fuck up, nor have I been divorced. My wife is docile and submissive(but can still go into fucking crazy bitch mode at the right trigger, so take note) and at this point I can retire in a couple of years if I choose to. Even with the immense amount of shit I’ve gone through in my life, I would never deem anyone’s problems unworthy of consideration.
I do everything I can to make sure my younger siblings do not go through shit I have gone through because that would be redundant with my resources in this day and age and quality of life is what i deem important now.
There is no silly “rite of passage” I suscribe to regrading how much shit someone has to go through to deemed worthy if that that’s you are thinking.
[quote]dt79 wrote:
stuff[/quote]
I see your point hahaha. FTR I wasn’t implying you were a fuck up. No doubt people who have been through “actual” divorce like finding out their wife was cheating on them after 15 years of love and 3 kids or something.
[quote]dt79 wrote:
stuff[/quote]
I see your point hahaha. FTR I wasn’t implying you were a fuck up. No doubt people who have been through “actual” divorce like finding out their wife was cheating on them after 15 years of love and 3 kids or something.[/quote]
Oh no, lol, didn’t read into your post as an implication of anything. I wrote the extra stuff down with the intention of also sending a message to the OP to get his act together.
Still amused at “girly dog” and “hardest thing in my life” in the same post lol.
Being out of work right now, if you can maintain is your best friend. the less you have, the less she can get. Also dumping your assets to family members you can trust, like selling your car to your mom for a dollar is another way to protect your ass.
Protect your assets. Any property or anything like that, again if you can temporarily rid yourself of them to people you can trust then do so.
For instance, if you sold a motorcycle, she could be entitled to half the sale. But if you have family you can trust, that sale can be a dollar, and you can hand her 50 cents. Then you can buy it back after the divorce is final.
The assets your lawyer cannot help you with much, that’s why you have to go ahead and take care of it before hand. Once the process starts, everything is monitored and you cannot make any big moves. [/quote]
Absolutely awful advice. The worst advice in the thread by far.
What you’re suggesting is called fraudulent conveyance and you are inviting the judge to comb over every inch of your assets and bend you over as best he can. Do you honestly think no one has ever thought of this before?
To use your example, if she was entitled to half of the value of his motorcycle and he sold it to a friend for $1, then she would still get half the value. But in this case it would come out of his half of the assets.
[/quote]
That’s what you would think, but that’s not what they do usually. The judge could give a fuck less.
There was a case where there was proof the asshole moved his money to off-shore accounts. There was absolutely solid evidence this had been done and done for a while. Evidence was available as to how much there was to start with, how much was left, and even had the off-shore account number. The judge did not give the slightest fuck. The cut was done on what was left, period.
Moving your assets is only a problem if you do it after the process has started, if you do it before it’s not a problem. I have seen it with my own two eyes. Needless to say I was shocked, but that’s the reality of it. What you do with your assets only matters after you file. Before you file, you can do anything you want. That’s reality.
The lawyer told us people do this sort of thing all the time and it works all the time.
The judge has a stack of cases, most where children are involved. They are not going to comb through shit on a no-fault or even partial fault divorce. If there are no kids, it’s a very cut and dry process. There’s nothing fraudulent about it. You have the right to do with your own assets as you please, so long as it’s not illegal and you did it prior to filing.
Had we known this in advance, we would have emptied all the accounts and moved all the assets we could have. We just didn’t know we could. We thought, like you, that you weren’t allowed to do that.
I cannot give great detail about the case, but I learned a lot from it. Mainly, if there are not kids you can protect your assets.
Don’t take my word for it, talk to a lawyer not involved with your case. If I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyes, I wouldn’t believe it either.
Now this is for a ‘no kid’ situation if there are kids involved, it’s a totally different ball of wax.
In light of some recent comments, especially dt79, I never said I was completely blameless in this mess. Yes it sounds one-sided, but hello, I want to get divorced, of course it is going to. I had the opportunity to back out before getting married and I did not, so I know I have to take responsibility for that. However, she did swear up and down, left and right, that all she wanted was to be with me, didn’t care about money, blah, blah, blah. Well as time has elapsed, that is very much not the case. It is now at the point where I feel her love is conditional based on what I buy for her. This is not the life I want, where I am on edge every day.
I also feel very bad if we do this and how it will upturn her and her daughter’s lives. She has always said if we were to ever break up, she would pack up her stuff and go, no questions asked. Well, just like her pre-marriage promises, that is probably a bunch of bunk as well. But am I supposed to forget about my happiness just to not cause pain to the two of them??
The whole thing with this feeling very bad and tough for me is the truth. Go ahead and bust my chops, but I have always been that way. Tough exterior, soft interior. I am going to therapy as well, which helps but only to a point. I don’t think getting a job will make that big of a difference either if anything she will expect the spending to increase.
I would not get a lawyer in your situation. If you’re not working, not sure about your disposable assets (cash). Most lawyers will want a retainer. Also, if your wife doesn’t have a lot of assets, she will probably not be able to hire a lawyer either. You decided to get married, so make sure you actually want a divorce and it’s not just thinking the grass is greener elsewhere. But if you actually want out, I would just sit down and talk to her especially if the house is your only asset you need to protect. She may want out to and just needs a little push. Just my two cents worth and best of luck.