Biggest hamburger buns in the world.
Not really. They’re like puska bread or something, but they look like giant buns. 
For a minute there, I thought they dyed the water… Now I’m getting the impression that their water actually looks like a Pumpkin Spice Latte.
Can anyone confirm or deny the color of Chicago’s water?
Everyday is neck day
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“It’s free if you can carry it out of here!”
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Lmfao
The river is brown. It’s not as filthy as it was in the past, but it’s still pretty nasty.
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People to not mess with:
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Guy with an engine block on his head.
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Guy walking the streets of mogadishu with a shark.
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My maths friend has a real analysis exam today.
Instead of abbreviating it as “real” or “analysis”, he decided to abbreviate it as “anal”
The messsge read: I have a 5 hr anal exam today
I didn’t realize this when I answered: that sounds painful 
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Meh, once you relax and settle in for the long haul it’s really quite pleasant if your know what you’re doing
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@anna_5588 Please accept my edit and forgive me for making a bad joke late at night, even if it may have been a grim omen into your future if you decide to…
continue using the internet!!!
Don’t say crazy old Uncle TwoJar didn’t warn ya!
After reading this post my facebook feed is loaded with ads & info about prostate exams.
… 
Shit I tell my wife before going down to the basement to work on guitar amplifiers:
“If you hear an explosion and screaming profanity, I wrecked the amplifier. If you hear an explosion and nothing else, call 911 because I wrecked myself”
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Dad joke time:
“Of the thousands of inventions over the past 100 years, the dry-erase board is the most remarkable”
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I realized in a recent conversation with my friend that I have a much better awareness of men’s bodyweights than I probably should thanks to lifting.
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This makes me chortle, uncontrollably:
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Daughter: * telling me about her day *
Me: * starts filling up water filter jug with the kitchen sink hose thingy *
Daughter: * immediately changes subject * “WE DRINK HOSE WATER??”
Me: “Please don’t tell people we drink ‘hose water’”
Daughter: “Why can’t I tell people we drink hose water?”
Me: …
Wife: * leaves room in a fit of laughter *
gosh, kids are dumb