The Pursuit of Mythical Gains

Training Training Logs
1603

In NY for my son’s birthday after a three day stop in Oregon to see my parents.

Got on the scale at my parent’s house, down to 190 after riding the bike in Cali, looking lean and I like it.

Did not gym in Cali as the bike was de-motivating me and just getting to town for essentials was enough, not to mention I was wishy washy on paying by the month for a globo gym or paying way too much for a real gym ($105), so was happy to get to a PF yesterday.

Taking my son up to New Haven today for a college tour, back to LI tonight. Family party for his birthday tomorrow, which should be awkward since I am separated from the wife. I’ll make a token appearance and disappear.

Hard to stick to any type of “healthy” diet having limited/no access to a kitchen, so I figure I will go hard in the gym over the next couple of days and do the best I can to avoid shitty carbs.

Good times!

1604

In Cali after a short visit in NY - more on that later.

I am on a bike here, ride into town 3-5 days a week, at least eight miles round trip. I don’t have the energy to lift on top of riding so I have decided to do situps and push ups, 100 per day. If it gets easier, I might join a gym.

I think I weigh about 190, probably around 16% BF but no idea. I look lean, am okay with how I look - might want to be a bit leaner.

Struggling with my son. He’s blown up his GPA and SAT scores. We’re kind of white trash, my daughter is at UDel, but this kid is turning out to be very smart.

I took him on a tour of Yale last week. It’s a reach for him, but he liked it and got fired up. He has the GPA, and a bare minimum SAT, would need to bump that. NHS and TriM, but Ivy League is not my family history.

I would not be surprised if he bumped his SAT into acceptable territory, and he might get in.

And is it the right place for him?

And, if he gets in, average cost of attendance in $90K

WTF?

First world problems.

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1605

Whelp, getting settled in Santa Cruz.

I should probably address this. I lost a brother in 2001. He was 39 years old, 18 months older than I, and my best friend. It caused me a few problems, to minimize.

I have another brother that is 39 months older than me, and I lost him in a different way a month ago.

We are no longer speaking to each other.

It’s kind of a big deal, kind of not, I needed to separate from him as he was my bully, but it puts my 83 year old mother in the middle.

And, I have to confront a few issues. I was close to the brother I lost in 2001 (VFib, for what it is worth), and we coalesced around our hatred of our older brother, and much less, our dislike of our father.

For discussion sake, let’s call the brother I hate Asshole, and the brother I loved/lost FF (Flute Fag).

FF is probably inappropriate, but he would appreciate it.

So now that I have had a meltdown with Asshole, I have to kind of deal with my rage. I legit would have beat him to death if I could have got my hands on him. Luckily, we were two states away, so I don’t have a homicide issue to deal with.

But now, I have to deal with coordinating with my 83 year old mother, who has Parkinsons and an autoimmune disease, to keep my brother away from me, because, legit, I will beat the shit out of him if he gets within a state of me.

I would seriously drive 500 miles in any direction, walk through broken glass, swim a raging river, and climb a mountain to get in the same room with him, just to kick the shit out of him.

That being said, I rode the bike 10 miles today, kind of de rigeur for me. Went to an AA meeting in downtown Santa Cruz, then rode up to Seabright to check out another meeting on the beach, and think I will hit that one next Sunday.

I went to a Masonic meeting yesterday. I have a buddy that lives across the street and so we rolled together to his regular lodge, and it was really good to meet the brothers on the level.

No gym yet, and I have not lived up to my 100 pushups and 100 situps, but I am making an effort everyday.

I am lean AF - probably need to eat more and get in the gym as I am bordering on skinny AF.

So, dealing with my rage, the good news is I start up again with an IFS therapist of Friday.

Perhaps I can figure out why I should not drive five hours from my parents house and beat the shit out of my brother.

I doubt it.

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1606

Whelp. got that bile out, moving on.

I don’t have a scale so I am just guessing my weight at 188, based on that my BF is 16% and I am not happy with current appearance - I am just looking small.

And when I am small, I look fat.

Luckily, I have a tan and am shaved, so that makes me look better. And, have a pretty good beard game.

I look like an anorexic Liver King.

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1607

“Beef Jerky Baron”

I’m happy to see you healing dude.

1608

Well, not sure I am healing, but I feel like it.

But, I am very angry. I am not sure that is a bad thing.

I see my therapist tomorrow, we are going to do a deep dive on the IFS shit and I am looking forward to it.

Rode into town this morning and bought a scale because I’m a little anal about my weight and haven’t been on a scale in weeks.

Weighed in at 187.2 (I’m 6’1").

Checked my BF on my handheld with the new weight and it came in at 16%. I’m not thrilled with it, but I will be 60 in September and 16% is considered lean, so I guess that is a good thing.

I would like to get to 180 at 13%, so that is the goal. I have to balance health with aesthetics. I would rather be 190 at 10% but diabetes and heart disease run in my family, and I just feel better lighter.

So, I am down about 23 pounds in six months or so, and BF is good, on the right track.

Just need to deal with the anger.

And that makes me angry, lol.

1609

Nothing wrong with anger. Something wrong with anger misdirected, but if we wanna go Nietzsche-boy (woo!) denying yourself anger is life-denying philosophy. Anger is a part of being human, and a manifestation of passion. I was so internally broken at some point that I would get angry that I COULDN’T get angry.

Those handheld things are just kinda fun games and tricks. Don’t let the number mean much to yourself beyond that. You’ll look how you look when you get there. Your body is cruel but fair: it will ALWAYS reflect your habits. So all we have to do is have habits we want to reflect. You’ll definitely get there.

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1610

Resentment has killed more alcoholics than alcohol.

I’m dealing with a few things, and don’t want to be a victim, but I am literally so angry at my brother that I would crawl through broken glass just to kick him in the balls.

And, I am shedding friends like rain drops, but I am okay with it because I just don’t care anymore.

I get the handheld. I think I am closer to 20%, but I got the tan, so I look better than 20%. But I have a big gray beard, so I look weird.

Appreciate you sharing this. I have said that I am existentially exhausted. I am slowly getting over this.

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1611

Not the best pic, split mirror in the bathroom in my cabin in Santa Cruz, but the best I got.

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1613

I turned one yesterday.

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1614

One is a good age to start over…

1615

Been trying to get in 100 pushups and 100 sit-ups, just not that easy - guess Chaos is not my plan.

I have been pretty good about walking two miles first thing in the morning, and am getting in some sit ups and push ups, and riding the bike a lot. Got over fifteen miles today.

I am down a few pounds, 186 today, 17%BF, not bad for almost 60.

I’m heading back to Portland next week, will get in the gym and eat well. My kids are coming to see me, woohoo.

As I get leaner, lighter, loose belly skin shows up, so I have to figure out how to balance that. Get bigger and stay lean, risk higher blood sugar and hypertension, or get skinnier and not worry about loose skin.

At my age, I am thinking get leaner/lighter.

2 Likes
1616

Heading to Portland tomorrow, which means more food and gym access. My kids are flying out on Monday, and we will eat.

Going to shift from feast to famine, lol, at least for a few weeks.

My mom feeds me. So having a gym available, plenty of food, I expect to bulk a bit.

Doing the maths, I need to add some LBM. I have abs outline, but look too lean.

Notice use of the term “look” - all about aesthetics for me at this point. Want to leave a good looking corpse. lol.

No longer overly concerned with scale and BF, mainly concerned with health and appearance.

Been having great sessions with my shrink.

Good times.

1 Like
1617

Dude, you have NO idea how honored I am to see you reference me in the past 2 posts.

Bulk up for sure! Enjoy that time. Portland will always have a piece of my heart. Get you a VooDoo donut while you’re there.

1618

VooDoo is for tourists, lol. Annie’s is where the good shit is.

Salt and Straw, Toadstools, Dumptruck, that’s where we be going.

Both of my kids are PF members so I am hoping to lift with them. My daughter is thick. Happy and healthy college junior, 5’9" ish, 180 ish. Thriving in college, wants to squat and deadlift but is intimidated. I hope to solve that.

My son is bro splitting with his bros. I hope to get him squatting as well.

But, Portland will always be about food carts and ice cream.

Just saying.

1619

It’s fun being a tourist in your hometown though! I grew up in San Diego and only go to the beach when company is in town, haha.

So glad to hear about the kiddos. It’s so hard for me to have a crazy home gym and have my kid have zero interest in using it, haha, but they are healthy and thriving, so what else could I ask for?

Gain some mass for me! I’m biffing at it.

1620

Still in Portland, eating like a pig and lifting every day. I don’t have a scale so I have no idea if or how much I have gained, but I suspect I will be up at least five pounds when I get back to Santa Cruz.

I have lost the outline of my abs (late in the day) but shirts are getting tight in the chest and shoulders. Only been back in the gym for eleven days, but have been carbing up in addition - feels good to be fed, lol.

I am thinking about joining a gym when I get back. I’ve been making good progress and want to keep it going.

Had a great time with the kids.

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1621

Arrived back in Santa Cruz on Monday, weighed in at 194 and 17.4%BF this morning - gained seven pounds, lol, most of it muscle as I was in the gym most everyday.

Checked out a gym here as I enjoyed getting bigger, will try to continue the trend. Seems like a good gym, lots of power racks and gear, full of fit people.

Woot woot.

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1622

"It’s been a while: - Staind, great song.

A few things, My brother has blown up, become a total dick. I have been no contact with him for a while but now he has gone no contact with my parents. I think it is because he texted my mom that he would have me arrested if I was on his property, so I texted him and told him I would rat him out for his behavior on FB if he ever contacted our mother again.

I meant that if he ever threatened her again but I think he took me literally. It’s kind of good for him to live in fear. Maybe now he gets the point.

I also told him that if I ever saw him again, I would beat the shit out of him. He is two inches shorter than I but outweighs me by fifty pounds, told me he could still take me.

I’m not saying that my Kempo training is worth anything, but pretty sure I could take him. We will see. Our paths will cross.

It will be a very bad day for him.

In the meantime, did not join a gym, been doing pushups and sit ups. Saved a couple of empty gallons of almond milk, filled them up with water, have been doing curls, shrugs, lateral raises in addition to my pushups and situps.

Grew my beard out - four months, very bushy,

Weighed in at 186 yesterday, 16.2% body fat (BIA, I know).

Beard was bushy, shaved it this morning - holy crap!!! I’m skinny!!

BMI is 24.8 or so, and I could get to 143 and be considered normal. For 60 years old (in three weeks), I am considered lean.

I do want to get to 13-15%, but holy shit - I am skinny.

Top two abs are in, want to see the next two.

And, beat up my brother.

Late

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1623

Slightly less angry.

Still 186, same BF%.

Spoke to my boy today. Will see him in a few weeks, take him on a college tour and then down to see his sister/my daughter at UDel.

Portland next week, then NY. Will be eating well, gymming on the regular. Hope to add a few pounds.

And, of course, have a good time with my kids.

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