A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson at the dorm.
Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway.
“In my day,” grumbled Gramps, “we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes.”
“But grandpa,” replied the grandson, “that IS a whore’s shoe.”
The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom…I’ll show you how.”
As a doctor was examining his patient, he asked, Any coughing, wheezing or shortness of cash?"
Did you hear that researchers have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans.
How does a Gay man fake an orgasm?
He spits on your back.
Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God says: “So you would love her.”
“But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?” God says: “So she would love you”
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
did you hear that the pope caught the bird flu?
He got it from the Cardinal (with an Andrew Dice) OHHH!
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
I slipped and fell in the mud, so I had to take a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
Bubbles is the girl next door.
What’s black, white, and red and can’t fit through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head.
Linford Christie walks into an extremely posh golf club.
“I’d like to become a member.” he says.
The desk clerk looks him up and down and says “Hold on, sir” and disappears into the back room.
He comes back and says “I’m very sorry sir, but we do not allow black people to join our club. But there is another club 10 minutes down the road, if you’d like to try there.”
Linford, understandably outraged, shouts “What are you talking about? Do you know who the fuck I am? I’m Linford fucking Christie!”
The desk clerk responds immediately, “Oh I am very sorry, Mr. Christie…five minutes down the road.”
Here’s one:
A Hindu guy dies and goes to Heaven. He meets his Muslim friend and the guy offers to give him a tour. They walk to the Sikh side and say hello to people, same with the Buddhist side.
They then cross one section and the Muslim motions to the Hindu to be very quiet. Although perplexed, the Hindu agrees and after a short while, the Muslim says it’s ok to talk.
“What was all that about” asked the Hindu
“Oh, that’s the Christians, they like to think they have heaven all to themselves” was the reply.
What do you call a female peacock?
A peacunt.
[quote]pookie wrote:
What’s blue and orange at the bottom of a pool?
A baby with busted swim-aids.
[/quote]
Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?
So you can see the expression on its face.
Why do you stick a baby in the blender face first?
So you can watch it’s toes wiggle.
ok, these are really horrible…
What did the deaf and blind cripple get for christmas?
~Cancer
What’s worse than biting into an apple with a worm in it?
~The holocaust.
So there’s this little boy, we’ll call him Johnny. Johnny is doing real well in school, so his parents decide to take him to a fair.
Johnny goes to the fair with his mother, is riding the rides, playing the games, eating cotton candy, he’s just having the time of his life.
It starts to get late, so Johnny’s mommy decideds it’s time to go home.
Johnny is upset that he has to leave, but has still had a good time. On the way out, Johnny see’s a clown. He ask’s his mom to go see the clown, and she reluctantly agrees.
Johnny approaches the clown, and see’s that the clown is making balloon animals for the other good boys and girls. Johnny waits patiently, and finally the clown turns to him. “What would you like little boy?” the clown says to Johnny.
Johnny is just ecstatic. He excitedly replies “whatever you want! whatever is your favorite animal! I just wanna see what you can do!” while smiling ear to ear.
The clown thinks for a moment, and then pulls out a balloon, blows it up, and slowly manipulates it.
He hands the finished result to Johnny, askin him if he knows what he is recieving.
“Is it a platypus?”
“Why yes little boy. Well aren’t you a smart one!”
Johnny hears this and it makes him happy as peaches. His mother finally manages to drag him away, the whole way Johnny is excitedly going on.
“This was the best day ever. Mom, when I grow up, I want to be just like that clown.”
“Johnny, you’re not going to grow up. You have AIDS.”
I know, I’m a horrible person.
Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one said: “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!”
The second one said: “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!”
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: “You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30… and he’s home by 3:45!”
[quote]wressler125 wrote:
Why do you stick a baby in the blender face first?
So you can watch it’s toes wiggle.[/quote]
A woman who’s just given birth is resting peacefully in her hospital room.
Suddenly, a nurse comes in carrying her baby and starts swinging it by its feet. She winds up real good and throws him out of the open 6th floor window.
The mom is going out of her mind and screams “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!”
The nurse says “April Fool!! He was already dead!”
Ok theres three guys all in a hot tub named wressler125, pookie, and enrac, they are all having a great time and enjoying themselves when some sperm floats up to the top. They all 3 stop and stare and then pookie says “guys who farted ?”
[quote]Monkey23 wrote:
Ok theres three guys all in a hot tub named wressler125, pookie, and enrac, they are all having a great time and enjoying themselves when some sperm floats up to the top. They all 3 stop and stare and then pookie says “guys who farted ?” [/quote]
I thought I asked you not to tell anyone.