HAHA Sorry
Here are a few…
Redneck Engineering Exam
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Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum 8 inches from the trunk.
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Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO?
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If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
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A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?
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If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
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A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor s 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
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A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man’s land?
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A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?
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A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
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At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution, ?You don’t want to try these techniques at home.? ?Why not?? asked somebody from the audience.
I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years, the expert explained. She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once? ?Did it save time?? the guy in the audience asked. Actually, yes, replied the expert. It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.
What screams a lot and can?t turn around in hallways?
A baby with a spear through its head.
What do American beer and making love in a canoe have in common?
They are both fucking close to water.
The sick ones…
What?s the best part about having sex with a six year old?
You get to kill?em when yer done.
Here is one from a comedian named Rudy Ray Moore…(paraphrased)
?Know this really hot mute girl. I wanted to fuck her really bad. I kept trying to seduce her but she kept signing ?No way?. Eventually I got tired of asking so I just fucked her anyway. Then I broke all her fingers so she couldn?t tell anyone.?
What do American beer and making love in a canoe have in common?
They are both fucking close to water.
Here is one from a comedian named Rudy Ray Moore…(paraphrased)
?Know this really hot mute girl. I wanted to fuck her really bad. I kept trying to seduce her but she kept signing ?No way?. Eventually I got tired of asking so I just fucked her anyway. Then I broke all her fingers so she couldn?t tell anyone.?
You Might Be A Redneck Jedi Knight If…
You ever uttered the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Budlight.
At least one wing of your X-wing is primer colored.
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You describe the taste of an Ewok as “jus’ like chicken.”
You have ever had a landspeeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on planet Dagobah is “them dadgum skeeters.”
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you wouldn’t have to wait for a commercial.
Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son, come on over to the dark side…it’ll be a hoot!”
You have a confederate flag painted on your flight helmet.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You kinda think that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader’s evil empire “them damn Yankees.”
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
In your opinion, that Cee-Threepio fellow “just ain’t right.”
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a Lazy-Boy recliner.
The REAL reason you got into a fight in the cantina was because you ordered Bud Light…and they didn’t have it.
You knew Princess Leia was your sister all along.
You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If . . .
? . . . you say “these are not the beers you are looking for.”
? . . . that “disturbance in the Force” was just last night’s baked beans.
? . . . the inside of your house looks more like Dagobah than the outside.
? . . . you call your young apprentice, “Juner.(JR.)”
? . . . you have ever used telekinesis to pull your jeans up.
? . . . the Force isn’t the only thing that runs in your family.
? . . . you call Hank Williams Jr. “master”.
? . . . your landspeeder has a gun rack.
? . . . you call Yoda your Li’l green buddy.
? . . . you have ever said, “Anger…Fear…Aggression…Yankees…the dark side are they.”
? . . . your X-Wing has a still in it.
? . . . your lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base.
? . . . there is more oil in your robes than in your astromech droid.
? . . . your robes have the Golden Flour label on them.
? . . . you trim your beard and find a Mylock.
? . . . you have ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill.
? . . . you use Jawas for a drink holders.
? . . . you fight with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the other.
? . . . you use a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck.
? . . . you use your Jedi healing powers to clear up your V.D.
? . . . you think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.
? . . . you ever lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.
? . . . you can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
? . . . you think Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
? . . . your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son, come on over t’ the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”
? . . . you have ever had your R2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light.
? . . . you jump-start your lightsaber off a car battery.
? . . . you beat the Gammorean Guard in an “ugly” contest.
? . . . your father’s name is Garth Vader.
? . . . you got your lightsaber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids.
? . . . you have ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin’ at your sister.
? . . . you constantly mistake R2 units for beer kegs.
? . . . you count B.O. as a Jedi power.
? . . . you have ever used a lightsaber to skin a deer.
? . . . at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
? . . . there is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
? . . . you have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
? . . . a peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
? . . . you can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE FORCE.
? . . . your master ever said “My finger you will pull…hmmm?”
? . . . you have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
? . . . the worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
? . . . . . . you have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
? . . . you wore burlap even before you started your Jedi training.
? . . . your favorite meals on Dagoba incorporate native snakes.
? . . . you have fuzzy dice hanging in the cockpit of your X-Wing.
? . . . you’ve asked an Ewok to help you go coon hunting.
? . . . you’ve ever looked at your sister, thought she was one hot babe, and kissed her.
? . . . you have the words “Foxy Lady” or a playboy bunny painted on your land speeder.
? . . . you bought hanging air fresheners for your friend’s X-Wing at Christmas time.
? . . . you use the “O” on stop signs to sight in your new blaster.
? . . . you wished that Admiral Ackbar was swimming in the pond on your farm back home.
? . . . you call the Emporer “That old ugly dude in the house coat.”
? . . . your favorite bar caters primarily to smugglers and bounty hunters.
? . . . you think that Jabba the Hutt really knows how to pick up good looking chicks.
? . . . you’ve got a stuffed womp rat from Begger’s Canyon on your mantle.
? . . . your initiation into the Rebellion required parallel parking the Millenium Falcon.
? . . . you’ve ever given someone a wedgie by using the force.
? . . . you’re flying a ship that has no original parts.
? . . . parts of a TIE fighter you blew up hang as a trophy in your living room.
? . . . your blind date was arranged through an invitation written on a cantina napkin.
? . . . people mistake your house for a jawa used droids and speeder parts dealership.
? . . . the cake at your wedding was sliced with a light saber.
? . . . you own a pink flamingo with blaster holes in it.
? . . . you inherited a styrofoam cooler and a tackle box with your light saber.
? . . . you didn’t read the whole Jedi manual because there were no pictures.
? . . . you’ve used a storm trooper helmet as a spitoon.
? . . . you’ve moved from planet to planet to avoid Imperial storm troopers.
? . . . your beer belly puts Jabba the Hutt to shame.
? . . . the smell of ham or bacon reminds you of Jabba’s Gamorean guards.
? . . . your best practical joke was sticking a banana in Boba Fett’s tail pipe.
? . . . you have ever used baling wire and/or duct tape to make repairs on your landspeeder.
? . . . you feel that duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
? . . . you have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
? . . . you suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.
? . . . you were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
? . . . you hear . . . “Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle!”
More ?You may be a redneck Jedi if??
? . . . you put your lightsaber down your pants and brag about your big dick.
? . . . you’ve ever taken a telephone pole down to test a lightsaber.
? . . . you’ve ever tested your lightsaber on your little brother “tell me if this hurts”.
? . . . when storm kills power yer lightsaber illuminates your house until you gouge Bubba’s eye out.
? . . . you brand cattle with a lightsaber
? . . . your lightsaber came with a “money back guarantee”.
? . . . your lightsaber is equiped with a “kick start”.
? . . . you use your lightsabor as a flare and you hear Ma say from the back porch, “Billy Bob, you get your ass in here rite now you’re gunna put Bubba’s other eye out!”.
? . . . your lightsaber is the best lawnmower blade you’ve ever had.
? . . . you use your lightsabor to open the door on your chevy pickup.
? . . . you wonder why Luke and Leia never got married.
? . . . a Wookie told you to shave.
? . . . your plan to destroy the Death Star included two M-80s and a half gallon of granny’s moon shine.
? . . . you use your lightsabor as a bug zapper.
? . . . the moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can’t find it.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and K-Mart have in common?
A: They both have young boys pants half off.
[quote]lostinthought wrote:
Where do you find a dog with no legs and no arms?
Right where you left him. [/quote]
What??? Dogs have arms?!?!?!?!
Did you hear about the blonde who locked her keys in the car? It took her a week to get her family out.
Why is a divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it!!!