Laughter is the best medicine, got a joke?
A 6’ 8", 300 lb. black man walks into a bar and sits down next to a Jewish guy and says, “I’s big, I’s black, and I’s loves to fuck white womens.” The Jewish man quickly pays for his drink and leaves. So the man walks over to an Irishman, sits down and announces, “I’s big, I’s black, and I’s loves to fuck dem white womens.” The Irishman also pays for his drink and leaves abruptly. So the brother walks over to a Pollack, sits down and again says, “I’s big, I’s black, and I’s just loves to fuck da white womens.” The Pollack responds, “Yeah, I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t fuck a nigger either.”
A contractor lands a job with the local telephone company to install the telephone poles around the county. His problem is he has a team of Mexicans and a team of Pollacks and he can’t decide which team to use. So he decides to have both teams do a days worth of work and whichever team gets more poles in the ground at the end of the day gets the work.
At the end of the day the leader of the Mexican team sees the contractor and reports that his team put in forty telephone poles. “Wow,” the contractor says, “Send in the Pollack leader on your way out.” The Pollack walks in and is asked “So, how many poles did your team put in the ground today?” “Four” replies the Pollack. “FOUR?! The Mexicans put in forty poles today and you guys are only able to get in four? What the fuck!!” “Yeah?” says the Pollack defensively, “did you see how much of the pole they left sticking out of the ground?”
I’m pulling this from memory so it might seem a little choppy.
I guy is sitting in his house when the phone rings. He answers it and it’s the hospital telling him that his wife has just gotten into a terrible car accident. The man rushes to the hospital. There he meets the doctor and askshow his wife is doing. The doctor takes him aside and says “Look your wife is in terrible condition and will never be able to walk again, on top of this she sustained brain damage which will make it impossible for her to take care of herself. You are going to have to feed her, change her diapers and take care of her every moment of the day.” The man starts crying then the doctor starts laughing and says “No, I’m just fucking with you. She’s dead.”
100 men apply for undercover jobs at the CIA. Only 3 make it to the final test. The final test is one thta proves your loyalty to the CIA. Each man will be given a gun and be placed in front of a door and must walk in and shoot whomever is in a chair in the room. The victems to be will be tied up so all the 3 men must do is pull the trigger. The first man, a 20 yr old, walks in and the door closes behind him. He turns on the light and he sees his newly-wed wife. He walks out the room immediately and says,“I can’t.” The second man, a 30 yr old, walks into his designated room and turns on the light and finds his wife of 10 years. He begins to raise his gun but fails as well. The final man, a 40 yr old, walks into the room, closes the door, turns on the light and finds his wife of 20 years. The men outside hear 10 shots and then a struggle. When he walks out the men ask what happened and he replies,“You wouldn’t believe it. Someone put blanks in the gun so I had to choke the bitch.”
U guys CRACK ME UP! That stuff was good,especially the CIA one LMAO!
A grasshopper, a rabbi, a lawyer, two Jews, an Italian, a doctor and a nurse walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says, “What is this, some kinda joke?”
There is a trout in a pond. About 4 inches off the water is a fly. The trout is thinking if that fly drops 4 inches I am going to eat it and I will not be hungry anymore. At the same pond is a bear. The bear is thinking if that fly drops 4 inches that fish grabs that fly I am going to grab that fish and I am not going to be hungry anymore. In the woods by the pond is a hunter. The hunter is thinking if that fly drops 4 inches that fish grabs that fly that bear grabs that fish I am going to shoot that bear and I am not going to be hungry anymore. Well in the same woods is a mouse and the mouse spys a sandwich hanging out of the hunters pocket. The mouse thinks to himself if that fly drops 4 inches that fish grabs that fly that bear grabs that fish that hunter shoots that bear his sandwich will fall out of his pocket I will grab his sandwich and I will not be hungry anymore. Well in the forest is a cat. The cat is thinking if that fly drops 4 inches that fish grabs that fly that bear grabs that fish that hunter shoots that bear that sandwich falls out of his pocket the mouse grabs that sandwich I am going to grab that mouse and I an now going to be hungry anymore. THEN IT HAPPENS. The fly drops 4 inches, the fish eats the fly, the bear grabs and eats the fish, the hunter shoots the bear the sandwich falls out of his pocket. The mouse grabs the sandwich the cat runs at the mouse misses him completely and lands in the pond. What is the moral of the story. “When the fly drops 4 inches the pussy gets wet”.
There’s this Irishman named Shamus sitting in the pub, having a pint, when the new fellow in town walks in and sits down beside him. They get to talking about professions, and Shamus, who has had a few by this point begins; "Now, lad, doya see them houses out there? I built each one of 'em with my bare hands. You’d think they’d call me Shamus the housebuilder…but no. And doya see that bridge out there lad? I built that, with my bare hands. You’d think they’d call me Shamus the bridge builder…but no. And doya see that warf out there lad? I built that, with my bare hands. You’d think they’d call me Shamus the warf builder…no. But fuck one sheep…
Now there’s this accountant named Roger who get conviced of embezzeling millions of dollars from his clients. Normally he’d be placed in one of those minimum security prisions; you know, they go rowing, have trips into town…kinda like summer camp. But minimum security was full, so ol’ Roger was sent off a maximum security. His first day seems easy enough…he’s alone in his cell, gets fed, does some exercise. He’s thinking “I could get used to this. I’ll just sit back, read the Times…no worries”, when this big, fat guy with tattoos everywhere walks in. The fat guy says “Hi, I’m Bubba…I guess we’re going to ge cell mates.” Now Roger is a little shaken, but he manages to introduce himself. Bubba says “Alright Roger, we’re going to play a little game. Its called ‘Mommy and Daddy’. Now, do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?” Now Roger thinks hard about this, weighs the consequences and says, “I’ll be the daddy.” “Alright,” says Bubba, “Daddy gets to suck Mommy’s dick.”
A plane crashes into a remote area of the Pacific Ocean, killing all but three people; two men and one woman. They struggle through the choppy seas to a deserted island, where they start to rough it out. As the months go by, nature takes its course between the three of them, until one day the woman kind not handle what she is doing to two men and kills herself.
The two men are distraught over what she has done, but they struggle on. Over the course of the next three months, nature takes its course between the two of them. Until one day, the men can’t live with what they are doing, so they finally buried her.
A 72 year old man is looking over he and his 74 year old wife’s finances. “Honey, our social security barely covers our bills. I’m sorry to tell you this, but I’m afraid your gonna have to go sell your body”. The woman obliges, and goes out the door as her husband asks. She comes strolling in five hours later and hands her husband two dollars and five cents. The man says “$2.05?? Who in the hell gave you five cents?” to which the woman replied, “Well, everybody!”
“Doctor, I think my son has Syphillis,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is the maid”.
“Ok, don’t be hard on him, get him down here so I can take care of him,” the doc said.
“Well, I’ve been screwing her as well”, the man replied.
“Then come with him, I’ve got something that will clear you both up in no time,” the doc replied.
“Well, I think my wife has it as well”, the man said.
“Well, fuck”, the doctor shouted, “That means we’ve all got it!”
Matt was in bed with his best friend’s wife. Just before reaching the climax, he stopped suddenly and sat at the end of the bed with his head in his hands.
“What the hell is wrong with you?”, the woman asked.
“I just feel like a real dick, I mean, here I am getting some of my best friend’s pussy.”
“Well,” she soothed, patting his back, “don’t worry, you’re not getting his pussy. His pussy is five inches deeper”.
A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They
are all in Heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, “Sharon, have you ever had any
contact with a penis?” She giggles and shyly replies, “Well, I once
touched the head of one with the tip of my finger”. St. Peter says,
“OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through
the gate”.
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Karina have you
ever had any contact with a penis?”, The girl is a little reluctant
but replies “Well I once fondled and stroked one.” St. Peter says,
“OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the
gate”.
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.
One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she
reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, “Susan, what seems to
be the rush?”
The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I
want to do it before Tracy sticks her ass in it !”
A group of drunken guys were on their way to a party, but couldn’t quite remember the address to the house. “I’m sure this is the one,” said the driver.
“Well, I have got to go to the bathroom real badly.” Replied one of the others, “I’ll go knock on the door, and check. If it’s the wrong house, at least I’ll get to a toilet!”
So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once… no answer. He rings it again… still no answer. He thinks, Well, this is a big house, and a big party… maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.
So he walks around the house to the back, but there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprised to find it unlocked and open. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he’d just quietly run inside real quick, and use their bathroom – no one would know.
So he goes inside, stumbles around, but can’t find the bathroom anywhere. So he quickly ran up the stairs and searched and searched until finally, as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a golden toilet. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger’s house, and that they could return home at anytime, he quickly did his business and walked out.
As he got in the car, he excitedly told his friends of the amazing golden toilet. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.
A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party, they drove past the house with the golden toilet. The guy who used the toilet insisted on stopping so he could prove to his friends that these people really did have a golden toilet. So they agreed to check it out. They all walked up to the front door and rang the door bell. And a woman answered the door.
“Excuse me ma’am, but could you please let me show my friends here your golden toilet, they don’t believe me!”
“So you’re the guy!” The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, “Honey, here’s the guy that shat in your tuba!”
Last one…
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked her, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The stewardess asked, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?” He nodded. So the stewardess said, “Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time.”
Why don’t blacks and Mexicans have kids together?
The kids grow up too lazy to steal.
A Scottsman named Angus was the town drunk. One Saturday night after his usual drinking he staggered towards home. He took a shortcut through the park and decided to sit down to rest while the world spun lazily about him. He leaned back against a tree and fell asleep. During the night he slid to one side and ended laying on his back with his kilt flipped up onto his stomach. The next morning on their way to church a few ladies took a shortcut through the park too. There they found Angus snoring away with his willy out for the world to see. As a kind of joke one of the women took the red ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around his manhood. They giggled all the way to church. Later Angus wakes up and it’s not long before he finds the ribbon. A bit puzzled he says “Ach, Willie…I don’t know where you’ve been or what you’ve been doing, but at least you won first prize!”.
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift
in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from
a burning freighter. While rummaging through
the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled
across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a
genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp
vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by
mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the
hull broke the stillness as the two men
considered their circumstances. Michael
looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish
had been granted. After a long, tension-filled
moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”