A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
“Oh my GOD!” screamed the woman. “That’s disgraceful! Why is he doing that?”
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, “I’m very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn’t do that at least five times a day, he’ll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.”
?Oh, well in that case, I guess it’s okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, “Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?”
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: “Same illness, better health plan.”
First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: “What did you do at recess?”
Sarah says, “I played in the sand box.”
The teacher says, “That’s good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write ‘sand’ correctly, I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie.”
She does and gets a cookie.
The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, “I played with Sarah in the sand box.”
The teacher says, “Good. If you write ‘box’ correctly on the blackboard, I’ll give you a fresh baked cookie.”
Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, “I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me.”
The teacher says, “Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write ‘blatant racial discrimination’ I’ll give you a cookie.”
An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, “My hands are freezing cold.” the mother replied “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.” The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, “My hands are freezing cold.” The girl replied, “Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.” He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, “My nose is cold.” The girl replied “Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.” He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, “My penis is frozen solid.”
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, “Have you ever heard of a penis?” Slightly concerned the mother said, “Why, yes. Why do you ask?” The daughter replies, “They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they?”
John says, “The good news is Christ is risen.”
Peter says, “That’s great! But, what’s the bad news?”
John, looking around, says, “He’s pretty pissed about last Friday.”
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” ]
The Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, "I’m in the secret service. "
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: First you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!”
The nun says, “O.K., pull into the next alley.”
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child, why are you crying?”
“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun replies “That’s okay, my name’s Jerry and this is just my Halloween costume!”
Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, “I play with mouse traps for fun. I’ll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.” And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, “That’s nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it.”
And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, “Where the hell are you going?”
The third mouse stops and replies, “I’m going home to f_ck the cat!”