Good post. I was wondering what new obligations and contributions could be written on a set basis.
@anna_5588 can you give an example?
An example is physical shape. People making an effort to stay in shape bc they don’t feel like they have to work to “impress” their partner.
I’m not advocating for a contract that splits the chores. That doesn’t work. It’s more of a constant re-evaluation of what both parties want because people change. For example, a young couple in their 20s might be okay with one of the pair spending a lot of time playing video games. This arrangement probably won’t work if one of them decides to be more productive and the other continues.
I don’t understand this concept either. Just because I am related to a set of people, doesn’t mean I owe them loyalty if they were abusive or are an unreasonable burden (e.g., scammers, MLM pushers, financially irresponsible and constantly wanting free handouts)
If an adult child an unreasonable burden (e.g., criminal, deadbeat, spolied brat that wants everything for free), why does the family owe them anything?
My mum and aunt have been dealing with a problem like this for a while now actually. They have a cousin who’s a drunk deadbeat and begs them for money. They have a hard time saying no and it causes a lot of stress. I personally don’t understand why they don’t cut that leech out
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These examples are usually implied as exceptions when discussing loyalty to family.
Productive how?
In the case of MLMs a shocking amount of people feel obligated to support their family members (I watch a lot of anti MLM content) and a lot of people find it hard to cut off financial or emotional leeches hence jokes about the crazy uncle at the thanksgiving table
do something useful instead of wasting time playing video games (video games is just an example, replace with sub-optimal habit of choice)
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I suppose video game content would be to be eliminated in front of a spouse or time spent would have to be recorded.
Keeping Score! Mine does this too but she’s getting better about it.
Like, she somehow convinced herself that since I work with my buddy, all we do is hang out and have lunch at various places (because I make sure to bring some back!).
I started diving into it, and discussing it honestly. No sarcasm or disingenuous strategy.
Ex. : “ok, you went shopping and got groceries. That took 3 hours, right?”
“Right. I got this, that, etc.”.
“Ok. And I cut the grass, yadda yadda”
And just talk through it, acknowledging what she did and how long it took.
When couples go task for task it turns into an argument because it sounds like tit for tat, when what she’s really looking for is acknowledgement and validation of her contributions to the household.
- I’m not super smart or great at this. My method of discovery has been the same way I learned about cardiology. Under attack and with the help of professionals.
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There comes a time for tough love. Enabling someone doesn’t help them. But I think the situations in which you completely cut someone off are rather rare.
Maybe I just married well and didn’t get any asshole family members, but I feel like you are citing exceptions that prove the rule. Everybody needs help sometimes. And usually, you won’t get paid back for it right away. Yes, it’s possible for someone to be so bad that you need to end it. And I’m not saying that divorce is never an option. But it should be the consequence of willful and egregious behavior and those things are well understood as part of the marriage contract and not in need of “renegotiation.” We’re talking physical violence, abandonment, sexual infidelity.
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Honestly not sure if this post is serious or an ironic post pointing out how bad we are at seeing the contributions of others. My whole point was that you won’t know all the things that your wife does while being completely aware of the contributions you make.
The challenge of marriage is that you can’t outvote your spouse. You have to resolve the split votes in some other way.
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It is serious. I think I am a lot better at seeing what she does than her seeing what I do.
I’ll sometimes see something she neglected, and catch myself having negative feelings about it, but I’ll think about it and realize she does do stuff, and I don’t need to bring it up, I can let it slide and take care of it myself. I don’t think she does this. If she sees something I’ve neglected, she has those negative feelings and voices those feeling to me right away (usually with a snarky tone).
Just in general, I believe I reflect on my feelings before voicing them more often than not. I don’t think that is true for her. This applies to a lot more than just the stuff we do around the house. Friend and work drama I reflect on, and usually never bring it up to her or anyone. I hear about her friend and work drama pretty much daily. We have gotten into minor fights about her friend drama. She had a rough spell with a friend for awhile (maybe around 9 months), and would talk about it and be in a negative mood several times a week because of it. It was emotionally draining for me, and I wasn’t a part of the conflict. The fights would usually be because I would tell her I wanted her to drop the friend because it brought a lot more negative into her life (and my life), than positive. I wouldn’t say this every time, but when I’d hear about it several times in a week, I’d just get sick of hearing about it over and over, and her being in a bad mood whenever she would think about it.
I just think that if she feels a negative emotion, she is far more likely to voice it. I try to remember that when she expresses her opinions that come from her negative emotions, she means “right now” she feels that way, even if she doesn’t put that “right now” in front of what she says.
I’d like to think we’ve made progress on keeping score, but IDK. It is a battle. Lots of good things about my wife, but she is a score keeper.
I agree here. I am trying to do this more too. Saying I did x is defensive, and she will respond with I also did a, b and c. When responding with a defensive statement most people will keep on with their attack. I am trying to just acknowledge her feelings. I’ll just kinda repeat what she said back to her.
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Yep. Kinda. Reflective communication.
Speaking of which, my appointment is at 1:00.
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I can empathize with the never-ending friend/work drama, bad mood cycle.
A lot of times, I’m having a fight or just end up emotionally drained by something that happened to a woman on an episode of some Andy Coen/Bravo show.
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It worked for black people.
This makes me feel better. At least I don’t have to deal with that.
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I was referring to getting rid of tenure, not marriage
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But you did compare marriage to tenure so that was your implication. And tenure is a good thing as well. People forget why these things exist in the first place. It’s always the young who want to throw away babies.
Because they created that brat. Better they deal with it than the rest of society.
Yeah, but I don’t expect my parents to have sex with me, and they don’t get half my shit if they decide to stop acting as my parents.
You choose a partner, you don’t choose your family.
I found that completely disregarding the scoreboard works wonders.
That fucker doesn’t exist and it is best treated as such.
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What?
I make all the money we need to live, and I’m willing to die to protect the people living in my house.
You can bet your ass I have the veto card.