Struggling with Poor Genetics for Years, Very Little Hope Left

Bigger Stronger Leaner
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Hello!
I am very glad to finally have reached the point when I am motivated enough to make yet another strong effort in my battle with myself.
I am 22 years old, student of dental medicine. I am currently living and studying in Sofia, Bulgaria. I have been working out for 7-8 years, something that I dont like to openly share with people considering my average looks. In comparison to what I used to be I have deffinetly modified myself a lot. In the beginning of my gym journey I was the same weight like now- 92kg. I am almost the same height as before 178cm. I believe that I am leaning towards being an endomorph. I started working out with doing cardio and dehydratating myself. Years ago I was all about the numbers on the scales. I dropped a lot of weight. Had a period of bolimia. To tell you the thruth I am still think about these times with pleasure and contentment. Came down to 63kg and yet as expected with my shitty genetics even at this weight I wasnt lean. I have had some trainers along the way to guide me and I still cannot believe is it really possible that they were as uneducated in their profession or I was just not being this consecutive in my regime, training etc. Having grown up i see their faults- stuffed me withtons of food when clearly all was going into fat, inappropriate ways of training for someone trying to lose weight. But anyways I am guiding myself in the past 4-5 years with short periods of searching for advice from professional trainers which once again turned out a waste of money and time.

I have taken three or four times some steroids in the past- stanozozol, ephedrine, clenbuterol, anapolon. I believe i have not taken them the exact way needed given that I had hardly been adecuatly guided but The substances have indeed reached my cells. Anapolon and a few times the stanozozol were fakes.
Here in Bulgaria communicating witg smart people in general is not an easy thing to happen. I am being being honest here. It is related with our political environment in the past decades, financial matters etc. That is why it is hard to find proper advice and I have been scrolling around this forum and I am very glad to have found you.
I try to filter what I read because my studying and lifestyle in general envolve a lot of reading. I am learning to filter my sources and avoiding mental fatigue (ps. Not burning a lot of energy laying and sitting with a book 10-12h a day). That is why in the past two years I have seriously put aside fitness related info. Just did not manage to push mysef into being concentrated enough to research that as well. I am trying to get on track though because I need to leave my mediocre looks behind. I need to try one more time. I will try to develope my case and I would really appriciate it if you gave me some guidance.
I know how clean eating works even though I have not been as strict about it recently because I have seen how little productive it is for me.
I could have the body when I try really hard (fat vs. muscle, not condition of skin; thorougly looking 18-9) of a guy who has used to workout throughout a long period of time and has quit for 5-6 years: belly fat, live handles fat, heavy massive legs, wide shoulders, slightly buff hands, miserable pecs, wide back. And that is at best. I always have that flowy watery look. I can upload a photo if needed.
I did a blood test to see what is going on with me. Why am I gaing fat this easy and not managing to surpass my mediocricy.

FT4- 14.29 pmol/l (12-22.00)
TSH- 2.460 mIU/l (0.27-4.20)
Tesstosterone- 22.00 nmol/l (reff: 9,9-27,8)
Insulin- 6.17 mU/l (2,6-25.)

I am seeing the thyroid markers are leaning towards the lower border. Is this the mainindicator for an endomorph?? Is battling the thyroid actually battling the fatty part of oneself? Or is it worse- thorougly constructed like this. Before having done the blood tests thought about doing testosterone injections, but it is clear that I am not in need of this. Or am I?
I know the dangers of hormone intake. I am a massive guy. Maybe if i lost the fat somehow it would actually be possible to notice that I have worked out for some time in my life. I am getting really confused and tired and being quite melancholic by nature being depressed is easy to happen. I have a few motnhs ahead of me and really want to get into a different shape. Not a batter me, but a different me. Thinking about doing well calculated T3 therapy. Losing the weight naturally would really kill me in my everyday tasks and I am certain that reaching a nice condition without hormones would be impossible for me. Growth hormone is ttoo expensive here in Bulgaria, would be hard to attain it. I need to change myself, not improve this mediocre corpse I have for a habitat.
Is there someone else who has the same struggles? I would really appriciate some guidance guys.
Thank you!

Btw.:
Usually work out 6 days a week, on the 7th go for a walk, run, climb, or do nothing, it depends.
I stopped calculating my workouts because I get bored easily after so much time. I spend 1h-1.30-1.45 at the gym with intensity depending on the typw of workout I am in the mood for. Start by rope jumping, stretching, finish with slightly inclined walking or attempts for swimming( suck at it) or sometimes just stretch.
My active workout week consists of 4 days:
Back and biceps;pecs and triceps;shoulders; arms.
Used to run intervals but since I have recently decided to work out for pleasure( which has improved my quality of life since I am always so morbidly thinking). I do long jogs of 5-11-12km depending on my mood and motivation.

What I am to be judged for:

  1. Not getting enough sleep- when i study gets down to 5-6h at best
  2. Not eating veggies- hate that more than anything. Feels so useless. I realise is a detail worth taking into consideration but in the past years I have eaten them and so far hasnt skared of the six pack. But if i must i could start the torture once more.

Take sups on a daily basis without taking it into consideration- just trying not to occupy my mind with those.

Nutrition( varies sometimes):
3eggs, protein snack, lunch consisting of meat+ slow carb, gym+protein shake, dinner similar to lunch, before bed a traditional bulgarian yoghurt( sour one) that has no added sugar and 40-50g of nuts.

Do a lot of saunas to stress my thyroid, drink a lot of tea( green,black and many other( tea freak)) take selenium, will be taking tyrosine, l carnitine with yohimbine since recently, preworkouts with a lot of energetics to remind me that i am not dead yet and its not time to decompose.

Please, stress me with your questiona if you are patient enough to read the whole tidious portion of honesty.

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There’s gonna be some triggering in this here thread mmmhmmm!

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I don’t have any specific advice for you, but I’d like to compliment you on your great avatar. I’ve been on the lookout for a tasteful picture that says “Come hither and lick my balls.”

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Hahahah honestly laughing here. Its in Brera, Milan. I saw the statue somewhere in the books. If you are interested I can tell you the name after a little research :grimacing:

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So what exactly are your goals?

Nothing good comes easily, and if you don’t have specific goals, it’s even harder.

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What did you do when losing and gaining weight? Your description of your training history indicates that you tend to do things in extremes. Did you crash diet and do excessive cardio and then bulk excessively?

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My goal right now is to loose the fat without turning out in the end just a bit less fat and muscles flatened. I think i cannot do it without some hormones.

I do it in extremes-it’s true. I cannot learn how to maintain a diet without the scales and the constant calculations.
When i loose weight i am completely strict about it and I start off in gradually ascending my cardio till I reachthe point I am waking up in the morning on an empty stomach to do some cardio and a second workout in the afternoon. This is around two months in my regimes. I don’t prolongue diets and do them rather harshly because my brain doesn’t function well enough for me to do my job whilst being this concentrated on food and numbers. But I believe I could stretch my mind into doing it if I actually see some satisfying results. I feel like I need to battle to get to a less average shape than I am now and not into a fit one. Which is such a demotivation.
in the harshest times of my diet i reach 1600-1700kcal just because more than 2500kcal doesnt bring weight loss.
When I ttansition from a strict diet to a bulk i just gradually add on slow carb portions till i reach three meals consisting of them( depending on how my body reacts) and I increase meat to 600g a day( as much as I remeber). But i avoid measuring my food because this is usually the time I have my exams and I try to concentrate on them. So I cannot really be that objective about it. I cheat often when I am not starving myself in any way

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You’re wrong about that.

Understand that you’ve been doing almost everything incorrectly pretty much since you first began training. You used steroids way too young. Your training and diet were inefficient and ineffective. You had a legitimate eating disorder that probably hasn’t been entirely resolved. There’s tons and tons of useful info around here, you just need to focus long enough to stick to it.

You don’t need any bodybuilding drugs like growth hormone, Test, T3, or whatever. Forget about “being an endomorph” because that’s a useless label. Don’t stress about “not sleeping enough” because 6 hours is fine and people have functioned on less. Your body will adapt, but cut back on the stimulant-loaded preworkouts because they’re doing more harm than good.

Train like this and eat like this. Do that for 4 weeks straight, with no missed workouts and not straying from the diet plan, and see where you end up.

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But I have been doing it for years… I want to change me not slightly improve my current state. For 7 years although not constantly I have managed to stay strict for some consecutive months a few times. Throughout the other periods i have kept it fairly decent as well. My body holds not more potential in its natural state.

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You’ve been doing it wrong for years.

Yes, that totally sucks to hear. But the good news is you’re still super-young and can get on track very quickly if you follow the advice being offered.

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Thank you, Chris! It doesnt suck at all because this means that there actually is a path that prings productivity. I really wished you were right but I have done that already- carb cycling, low carb, switching regimes from week to week, being creative about my food. I have put brains into it and I believe I have stretched my potential. My body will go more mature fromthis point but it will never reach the point of my satisfaction unless I settle with looking average. I will be sticking with a regime as soon as I fix on a way that is new and different from the others I have already experienced. I need to respect myself and believe in the errors I have already made.

Could you be a bit more perticular? Its been more than two years since I have taken any steroids. I have had effective diets and efective training, I still do- but their effectiveness is well accorded with my capacity. I have changed a lot, have improved but I am not satisfied by it. I will post some photos.

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You started training when you were about 15 or 16 years old. There’s only so much brains a teenager can put into their training. I’m telling you to follow the advice of people who have been professional coaches for, literally, longer than you’ve been alive.

I linked to some very straight-forward training and diet plans. So have other people in this thread. You should follow a pre-designed plan written by a T-Nation coach. You should not be trying to make your own training or diet plan. You haven’t stretched your potential or reached your natural potential or whatever you were saying. You might’ve seen some results, but it was short-term only. You need a good plan to build real results.

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Thank you. I saw the links now and gave them a look. Did not notice them till now, i apologise. I will process the info. Training program seems very interesting. Cardio does not seem enough for me
though. I am doing it. Nutrition suggestion is something that i can say is very close to my lifestyle. I will be adding the vegetables although not believing a bit that that would make a difference. I will reread it a few times,

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Read this, then write it on the board 100 times until it sinks in. Because this…

…and this…

Indicates that you are 100 percent unwilling to accept that perhaps your poor choices in diet. Sure, you played around with it by saying…

…but you really need to take this seriously, and then saying this…

…still shows you aren’t really listening. “Cardio does not seem enough for me” indicates you still think you need to take what is written and somehow improve on it, as though your body and yours alone violates the laws of biology and chemistry. “I will be adding the vegetables although not believing a bit that that would make a difference” is a built-in excuse for when you fuck this up, too. You’ll mismanage the entire training program, add too much cardio, sleep poorly, and then say “See, adding vegetables didn’t work for me.” Gosh, it hasn’t even happened yet and it already pisses me off.

Please go read the logs of @T3hPwnisher and @Alpha and @twojarslave for some good examples of what real, actual hard work looks like. This shit isn’t complicated. Dan John quote: “I said it was simple, not easy.” There is a difference. Follow this advice…

…without one single bullshit excuse or deviation for 4 weeks. Eventually, you’ll learn to make appropriate adjustments and deviations on the fly, but right now your head is so fucked up that it’s dangerous to leave anything open to interpretation. You’ll screw the whole thing up and then blame your genetics again.

Finally, there’s this…

…which scares me a little bit. Dealing with a serious eating disorder is outside my expertise (and probably everyone else on this forum) and unless that has really been resolved, a lot of what we’re saying here might not be all that helpful. You might never be fully free of those demons, but they at least have to be somewhat controlled…

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Everyone on here has said more than enough advice my friend, the only thing i think to add is that you need to beat into your brain that CARDIO DOES NOT MAKE YOU FIT/MUSCULAR/HAVE ABS/ etc.

Building muscles do. You mentioned above you have diets away to essentially nothing at times, but never saw a six pack or looked any more muscular. That’s because there is quite literally no muscle under your fat and skin.

To build that you need to train and eat. Like everyone above me said, do EXACTLY what chris said for a month, i would even say 2 months, before you change ANYTHING. Even if you think it is not working, even if by week 3 you don’t like the direction you think you are heading, just close your mouth, and hit every rep and every single meal exactly the same, and i will bet the house and everything in it that you see better results in the next 2 months than you ever have before.

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Thank you very much guys! Very productive and analytical responses. I need to post some pictures to show you what I am talking about. I am taking them all into consideration! I am doing jogging and rope jumping just for pleasure.
P.s. Can someone pm me how to upload photos. Seeing threads from 14 years ago in search engine

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There’s no PM system on this forum. Use the Upload button above where you type text to attach images:

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Using my phone I still do not manage to find the button you showed me. I found an alternative.
Recent photo:

These ones are from bulk seasons( last two ones i believe)

As it is clear lighting is doing me favors on the photos but you will get my case. I think i have some
muscle on me.

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You don’t look bad. Someone with poor genetics will not look like this.

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Ya, you look fine, dude.