Apologies all.
Been a rough week.
Was called in the middle of the night several days ago to be told that my aunt and cousin had been in a car crash. Cousin (M, 35) died on the scene, aunt (F, 24) survived…that was all we were immediately told.
An hour later we find out that my aunt was being flown to the state’s largest city/hospital, 4.5 hours from where she lived/the crash happened, 3 hours from where I live. No details, just that she was injured enough to need to go there. So I, another cousin, and another aunt (the injured aunt’s sister) quickly got on the road to get to the hospital.
Got there around 4am, sat there until 10am waiting to hear any news, and when the doctor came and spoke with us, he said that my aunt had broken her neck, back, both shoulder blades, collarbone, left elbow, and pelvis. Her lungs had collapsed, and her liver and kidneys had suffered some damage. If she survived the next few days, she would be paralyzed below the chest for life. Much worse than any of us were expecting/hoping for.
Her mom is dead, her dad is an absent drunk, no spouse, so either her sister or my dad would need to assume power of attorney. Her sister did - she was the one at the hospital, and since my dad had to do that when their mom had cancer a few years back, they decided it was her “turn.” Her sister asked to place a DNR order on her; her reasoning being that if she survived, her quality of life wouldn’t be worth it.
She first underwent surgery on her spine, and then a plastic surgeon fixed up her face. Next day she had surgery on her elbow (this was the next most important task, since it had shattered into 5 pieces and was poking through the skin, causing bleeding) and then on her pelvis. Neck, shoulder blades, and collarbones are probably going to be left to heal on their own, though this may change.
So far, she’s alive. We were able to see her before undergoing any surgery and man…it was tough to look at. Her head was split open and her face was beat up. Lotta blood. Definitely not the worst thing some people have had to see - my grandma had to ID her husband’s body after he commited suicide by shooting himself in the head, and soldiers see horrible stuff all the time, but it was probably the worst I’ve seen. Been hard to get it out of my head.
Since she survived the flight, and then the intense surgeries, she’s expected to survive. Still has a lot of work to be done on her body, a lot of recovery time in the hospital, and a lot of therapy to regain whatever usage she’ll still have of her body.
I’m honestly not sure how I feel. I think I would’ve preferred that she’d died. She’s always been a little messed up. Had a very unstable childhood, and her dad was abusive to her mom. Her mom died when she was in high school after a very painful fight with cancer, and she’s been depressed and at times suicidal since then, and in the past couple years has started using meth.
Her and the cousin who died were both drunk, and she was the driver. I hate drunk driving and think it’s an incredibly selfish act for someone to do, but I don’t blame her for his death, since it could’ve been either one of them driving, and the person they hit was driving drunk as well, but I assume she will blame herself and some family members are blaming her. He was young, and the father of 6 kids, one of whom has leukemia. It was on a reservation so this is all typical.
Anyway, I just don’t think people in these situations ever go on to have happy lives unless they are very mentally strong people with a determination to make the best of things, and I think if this depressed, suicidal, addicted, guilt ridden person who has lost the use of most of her body forever had the choice to (I assume she’d say) be with her mom or continue living, she’d rather be dead.
Not sure who will take care of her. Her father can barely take care of himself, her grandma is in her 80’s, so it’s just my parents and her sister, a broke single mom. I think it’ll come down to my family. It’ll be rough, on everyone. But who knows. I am a Christian (or at least a believer in what it says) and I do believe that things happen for a reason and if she’s still alive then I think she survived for a reason and even though it makes no sense to me and I disagree with it, I’ll just have to see what happens. I’m pretty sure most reading this will disagree with those last few statements but that’s my take on things.
Sorry for the long post. Just helpful to write my thoughts down.
A few takeaways:
1). It’s incredible how broken the human body can be. I recently rewatched Black Hawk Down and there’s a scene where a soldier was basically torn in half, and you see his top half laying on the ground. That’s probably happened many times before, somewhere in the world, but this incident was on someone I know. Her spine wasn’t just fractured, it was literally broken in two, with the broken ends pointing in different directions from each other. It’s insane how intensely we can messed up.
2). Always wear a seltbelt. Neither my aunt or cousin was, and look at them now. The other driver, though drunk (and in a big truck, which may have helped him) was wearing his, and he just got a few scratches.
3). Life is short. And you never know when your time is up. My cousin, Joseph, was only 35. He could’ve had another 40 years. He had 6 kids. My dad is 39 with 5 kids. I’m not ready to lose my dad, and no one was ready to lose Joe. I tend to ignore statements like “Live every day like it’s your last” and I’m still not going to necessarily do that, but it makes me value time more. I have parents, some grandmas, little siblings, a child on the way, friends, etc.
If I die a death where I know it’s coming and can think about my life, I don’t want regrets about spending too much time on people and things who didn’t matter and too little on the people and things that did. If I die an unexpected death, I don’t want the people I leave behind to feel cheated or like my life was a waste. I want them to feel like they always got the best out of me and that I always did what I needed to, and didn’t waste anything.
4). Our bodies are really a gift. At any moment, I could get in a crash and lose the use of my body. Babies are sometimes born without limbs, people lose them in accidents, etc. I don’t want to take the irreplaceable thing I’ve been given, that others would kill to have, and use it to do nothing. That doesn’t mean I’ll never be lazy and lounge around, or that I’m gonna be out playing sports 24/7, but if I lost my legs, and couldn’t lift weights, run, bike, skateboard, play sports, drive, climb, etc. I would feel better knowing I did some things with them while I had them, rather than being like, “Yeah…I guess I went for a walk sometimes. Sat around a lot of other times…” That’d be hard to live with.
5). Most likely getting ahead of myself, but I’m imagining what my aunt’s possible training could look like. Very good chance she’ll end up living with us, and having strong arms/shoulders/upper back will be very important since it’s all she can use, so what could she do? Who knows if she’d even do that or just try to drink herself to death, but if she was in good mental place, there’s some ideas there. I have some knowledge and equipment, and if she wanted to improve in that way I’d love to help her. Just took a look at @One_Two’s log! Some great work being done in there, dude. Keep it up.
Anyway, that’s all for now. Gonna be doing a lot of driving across the state, for the funeral and to see what’s up with my aunt. Kinda good timing in the sense that I don’t have a whole lot going on right now I guess. Still fitting in training though.
