Response to TC's Help Wanted

Off Topic
1

TC,

I?m your guy. First though, I have to be honest in saying my balls aren?t quite as huge as you require, but they are nicely sized and made of brass and clink together beautifully whenever I walk. I can also be bitingly sarcastic at times, in fact it is my most preferred type of humor, and I have been told that I am moderately intelligent and witty. Furthermore, I think of myself as something of a writer, who is not without talent, and have attached a couple pages from a play I?m in the middle of writing. So I hope that my most eloquent of arguments have persuaded you to hire an unworthy college student who is still pursuing his dreams of becoming a true T-Man one day. Thanks for the consideration.

Fade in:
(Open on a snowy castle, zoom into through walls into a great hall, men in front of a fire)

King: Come and sit by the fire, Fool,
And give us a tale on this night so cool,
Make it so dark that all light retreats,
And cold enough to freeze us on our golden seats.

Fool: A century is too short, but a millennia too long,
In which to tell this twisted tale, to sing this sinister song,
So the shortened version I will give this night,
For it still contains ample fright
Not too far away and not too long ago,
In a troubled land during a time of woe

Scene II: Muddy crossroads

Keho: Over sea and over stone,
Comes the dark wanderer all alone
To cast our land into eternal night
And put upon us a horrid blight
All things good will fall and die
To rot away ?neath a blackened sky

Pass: Cease your prattle useless prophet
For these good people will have none of it
Long now have the times been dark and dreary
My whole life has been spent feeling weary
If you wish to be taken for other than a braying ass
Tell us something besides what has already come to pass

Keho: He will come he will come and you will see
How wrong it is that you can be
He will come, he will come you will see
Pretending that he is not he
Telling lies to cloud and deceive
I tell you now to not believe

Pass: Again and at once do I tell you to desist
If all of what you say is true what can we do to resist
Knowledge will only put us all in a blacker mood
And I think that this is somewhat overly rude
So for a third time do I say keep quiet what you know
It all means as little as telling me of a coming snow
For I can no more keep the snow from falling
Than I can keep this evil man from calling

Keho: No truer dirge has ever been sung
No truer breath expelled from lung
But how sad it is that already you are defeated
I had hopes that this time history would not be repeated

Scene III: Same crossroads six months later

Keho: Over sea and over stone,
Comes the dark wanderer all alone?
(Pauses, looks around, then screaming:
Woe, woe and again makes three
Friends why did you not heed me?
Now my sightless eyes do see
The one of whom I warned is come
Now his wanderings all are done
Homeward he walks with the setting sun
Now my sightless eyes do see
How damned and cursed are we
(Softly) Woe, woe, and again makes three?

(Man steps from the crowd, draws a knife and presses it to the throat of Keho.)

Firc: Cease your prattle useless worm
Unless you would see yourself forever burn
Returned I am and home I be
It is easy enough for all to see
Unneeded are your dramatic warnings
Unheeded go your cryptic warnings

Keho: All of this is true but one thing you forgot my lord,
He who lives by it shall die by the sword,
So while we shall never be friends good sir, at least put away the blade,
Then and only then the other discover of what his foe is made.

Firc: Nothing of what has just passed your lips is true good Kehoe,
Like it or not never again shall I be your foe,
I have come to beg a boon, for this city is only someplace I used to know
Guide me fair and well and your reward will be of equal measure
Be it paid in books, beer, women or bags of treasure,
Be it paid all at once or partaken of at your leisure

Keho: You could suck the light out of the brightest star
As dark and evil as you are,
Still, long has my belly gone empty and long have I been sober
Of the two I know not which is worse, I hope I am forgiven as I accept your offer

Firc: Good man, good man, I knew you would not disappoint
Only the best will do when the time comes to anoint
Do not look so surprised Keho, surely you know I must be blessed
Blessed I must be if I hope to pass the test
It is my land and throne that I have come back to claim,
And who better than the one who stained it to cleanse my name

Keho: I swear to you, O prodigal prince, O treacherous one,
In the future there will be many deeds that you will wish you could wish undone,
So I urge you now to select with care your chosen path
Pave it not with the blood and bones from the casualties of your wrath.

Firc: And I sweat that I care not what my conscious may say
When I am old and bent and stooped and grey
For if might makes right than never again will I be wrong
Vae Victis will be the chorus of my bloody song

2

brass balls?? come on now, I replaced mine w/ that ceramic material they use to make that bullet-proof armor. Doesn’t have that satisfying clink, but the ladies looooove to hear about my bullet-proof balls. On a more serious note, pick me TC, I’m a south african ex-pat, w/ a wicked accent and a vocabulary full of funny words.

p.s. I can almost guarantee I can talk any females I interview into sending you a pair of their thongs…waddaya say buddy?? :stuck_out_tongue:

3

TC-

I would love to do this! I may not be a playwright like the big boy above (although I am not sure that really makes you funny) but I do have big balls (at least post cycle) and a rapist wit!

Let me know of anything else I can do to get my name drawn from the teste jar.

Thanks-
Brad

4

“That’s the kind of person I’m looking for; someone who could interview silly, self-inflated bodybuilders, trainers, supplement manufacturers, etc, and allow them to make fools out of themselves by interspersing silly, downright weird questions in-between serious or semi-serious ones…all while keeping a straight face.”

Have you ever heard of an exercise called the Stiffie Lunge?

Do you like movies about gladiators?

What if the hokey pokey really IS what it’s all about?

And that’s just a sample.

Oh yeah, and I write for a living. Seriously. My company is located down in your neck of the woods, i.e., Colorado Springs, but I get to work from home in Denver.

5

TC, as evidenced in the freestyle battle, I have balls that drag on the ground when I walk. THEY SHOOT OFF SPARKS! I’m a sports broadcast journalsim major at Penn State and my smart ass comments are highlight of my weekly online radio show. I have serious moments, but no stupid statement will go un-made-fun-of.

6

Sounds like you should get them all together with the interviewee and have a sort of interview roundtable. I bet that would be some funny shit.

~Paul

7

odd, I thought TC wanted someone to interview people, not William Shakespear.

Good morrow Ronnie Coleman, what hath thou injected into thy buttox this merry day?

pick me pick me.

8

that which ye hath wrought,
was not penned in the iambic pentameter,

but thou maist try again

9

So who do think got hit in the face with more balls, Yogi Berra or Rock Hudson?

10

Road Warrior,
I think it’s more a question of quality over quantity. You see, Yogi Berra wore a face mask, whereas, Rock Hudson just took it on the chin.

11

I am your woman (to a point;-)
I have a large vocabulary (vulgar and non-vulgar)
I have an interesting sense of humor and a quick wit
I have absolutely no fear of talking to complete strangers whether to insult or compliment
I also would love to ask some of these people what the hell got them into this sport anyway “so…you woke up one day wanting to look like a freak?”
I am a college student in desperate need of moolah
I always deliver what I say I would even if I’ve lit my hair on fire unintentionally and I am bleeding out my eyeballs (or any other orifice;-)
upshot:
I want the job

12

Other than the fact that I often rub people the wrong way with my eloquent, yet seemingly vulgar sarcasm, if I can’t perform an interview in the exact voice and persona as Stuey from the Family Guy I’m not interested.

13 
I would love the job, but in truth I do not think I would be the best person for it, my seriousness is often-times outweighed by my foolishness, and while I have no problem with that, the interviews may get out of hand.

So unless you are searching for some off-the-wall type stuff from these interviews, I will have to resign myself to the sad fact that I am just not your man.

But I didn't chime in to say how I am not qualified, I am going to throw my vote in for Tiffy, we already have alot of interviews conducted by men (and they are all great) but we have few by women, and this isn't a vote for equal opportunity, because hey, I just don't care about that.   I just think that a woman doing an interview is inherently better than a man doing said interview.  First off if the interview is in person, the interviewee will most likely be, at least subconsciously, flirting with her, and could very well say some very damning things while not thinking properly, thus leading to a funny interview.

Secondly, girls have boobs, I like boobs.
Thirdly, it will put a different spin to interviews because questions from a woman will give us insight into what they are interested in, causing us to be more interesting to them. Directly leading to getting more women.

Fourthly… see the second point, and add legs.

-Dave

14

[quote]StevenF wrote:.

Good morrow Ronnie Coleman, what hath thou injected into thy buttox this merry day?
[/quote]

Thou dost penne some funnye shyte, good sir!

“buttox”

hahahahahaha!

15

Regarding a Letter from Summercamp

T.C.,

I think we went to the same camp. I remember that Mr. Weider, he was always wanting to help Arnold work on his “posing.”
Remember how Mikey used to get pissed off when the counselors tried to make him do his exercises every day. He kept saying that he only had to do them once a week because his friend Arthur said so. Supposedly some Casey guy they knew got huge that way.
Those Blechman twins were a little weird. Remember how they kept calling everything “fuel” like when we would get a drink, Stevie would say he was getting some “Urine fuel” and when we ate he called it “Shit fuel.” I also remember they used to hang around with little Johnny Romano, and as I recall, they used to spend alot of time in the caverns with the stroke mags. I wonder what ever happened to them?
I used to love the games at camp, like “Pin the Syringe in the Glute” and “Bobbing for Hard-boiled Eggs.”
Remember that old guy, they called him Methuselah, said he trained Moses before he parted the sea. I think his name was Vince Gironda, he kept trying to make us take all those liver pills, yuck.
What was the deal with that Lalane guy that kept pulling all the damn canoes to the other side of the lake?
I remember every year that little Shawn Ray kid got second in every contest and he cried so much that they made his parents come get him.

I almost forgot to mention the camp song:
Hello Mother, Hello Father
Greetings from Camp Schwarzenegger
Life is great here, lifting big weights,
Everyone sits in caves and masturbates.

Thanks for the trip down memory lane T.C.

16 
But I didn't chime in to say how I am not qualified, I am going to throw my vote in for Tiffy, we already have alot of interviews conducted by men (and they are all great) but we have few by women, and this isn't a vote for equal opportunity, because hey, I just don't care about that.   I just think that a woman doing an interview is inherently better than a man doing said interview.  First off if the interview is in person, the interviewee will most likely be, at least subconsciously, flirting with her, and could very well say some very damning things while not thinking properly, thus leading to a funny interview.

Secondly, girls have boobs, I like boobs.
Thirdly, it will put a different spin to interviews because questions from a woman will give us insight into what they are interested in, causing us to be more interesting to them. Directly leading to getting more women.

Fourthly… see the second point, and add legs.

Yeah…whatever Dave says
(and I have to agree I am pretty damn cute)

17

Okay, hereýs the scoop.

Iýve gotten several ýapplications,ý so the only way I can determine the winner is by running a little contest.

In other words, you and your fellow candidates are going to compete against each other and I, along with T-Nation readers, will pick the winner.

Unfortunately, this will require a small expenditure on your part (if you decide to go through with this). Youýll need to go to Radio Shack and get a little device that hooks your phone to a tape recorder. This will allow you to tape the interviews Iým going to ask you to do.

I must point out that while Federal law allows you to tape record calls as long as one party knows theyýre being recorded (that party being you), some states–California for instanceýobserve different laws. In those states, both parties must be aware of the tape recorder.

If thatýs the case, you can just flat out tell them that youýre recording the call (ýmy machine records all phone conversations but Iým required to tell you.ý).

After the interview, youýll transcribe it and send in the finished piece.

Remember, the point of these interviews is to be funny and if possible, reveal some silliness regarding a companyýs products, ads, or policies.

Iýll then post your interview on T-Nation and see how itýs perceived.

If you agree to do this, Iýll send you the assignment along with a sample question or two.

PM me for next step.

18

I would like a shot, but dammit, tiffy is probably bumped to the top of the list. Well, fuck that. I have a pair of nice boobies, too. Only one thing differentiates me from tiffy: I’m not a broad. I do admit to fondling my man breasticles, in case that question popped into your godforsaken skull. One thing that I have always wanted to is piss people off and get paid. I anger many folk, and I believe it stems from my holier than thou attitude. But this post is a waste of my time; hopefully all of you fucksticks will learn something from it. Fuck.

19

Dude, it’s not about pissing people off, you’re totally missing the boat. What TC wants is someone who is able to conduct what seems to be a serious interview with someone, and ask them questions that the general public or T-Nation crowd would find funny, but that the other person would interpret as an honest question, and then attempt to answer. IF you were to piss off the person that you’re interviewing there wouldn’t be much to read after they get up and leave or hang up. They must instead be LED to the point of being like… “ah shit, I sound like a moron for actually answering this stuff” and then you know you might have something funny brewing in your interview

20

Good post AeroStallion. I second it wholeheartedly. Pissing people off is not the right thing to do at all…People who try to piss people off pisses me off.