Pranks and Scares

Off Topic
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[quote]DBCooper wrote:
MORE PRANKS!!!

I love pranks and practical jokes.

I have this uncle (not blood-related) who is the most spiritually-bankrupt person I have EVER known. This guy literally spends all day every day talking about all the cool things he has and gets a new BMW every other year and has all this gaudy bullshit and NEVER talks about anything that actually means anything with anyone else in the family. Everything is all about him and everything he owns and how much money he makes and so on. I hate it because when I’m with my family I do NOT want to talk about this shit. I want to discuss REAL LIFE, you know what I mean?

Now, this isn’t really a “prank” per se, but it was something I had planned out in advance that was designed specifically to put him in his place in front of the rest of the family and expose him for the empty, vapid fraud that he is.

My family spends every Thanksgiving up in the Sierras near Mt. Lassen and the big tradition is to drive up into the snow the day after Turkey Day and chop down some Christmas trees near Lassen National Forest. Well, my uncle (we’ll call him Dumb Uncle) is kind of a pussy and doesn’t like trudging through 100 yards of snow to chop down a tree. Even my 56 y/o mother comes with us and her sisters come as well and they never complain. But Dumb Uncle hates it.

So around Christmas time we’re at my OTHER uncle’s house who was undergoing chemo for severe liver cancer at the time (we’ll call him Cancer Uncle). I happened to overhear Dumb Uncle’s wife, my aunt, mention that Dumb Uncle was on his way over and that he had just looked at a bunch of ATV’s because he wanted to buy one to drive through the snow or whatever when we get Christmas trees. She said he was really excited about buying one and had a bunch of brochures with him and blah, blah, blah.

I’m sitting here thinking “what the fuck?” This is a somber time, Cancer Uncle is literally fucking dying, we’re there to support my aunt and hang out with Cancer Uncle because there is about a 99% chance that this is his last Christmas season and he really just wants to be around family and so forth. (He ended up beating the cancer, by the way!) And this pretentious asshole is planning on showing up and bombarding us with his latest purchase he intends to make to fill whatever void there is in his life. Totally inappropriate time for this shit, right?

So he walks in the door and he immediately starts in on this fucking ATV and how he’s going to get a great deal because it’s only $12,000 or whatever. And then I spring my very simple, straightforward trap on him.

He comes up to me to show me this stack of brochures and I look at him blankly, with Cancer Uncle half-conscious in the chair next to me, and I say to him point-blank, “What do you need that for? You’ll use it once a year, IF that, since sometimes there isn’t even any snow up there on Thanksgiving. If you can afford to waste $12,000 on this fucking thing, why don’t you use that money for something meaningful and make a $12,000 tax-deductible donation to a cancer research foundation?” He was fucking speechless. Psychological warfare at its finest.[/quote]

EXCELLENT! Fuck him!!

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^^ I agree with ID. That would feel great to say that.

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[quote]Nards wrote:
^^ I agree with ID. That would feel great to say that.[/quote]

Nobody likes that fucking guy. He married into the family, so thank God I’m not blood-related. He’s a fucking pussy with more than what’s good for him.

About six years ago Cancer Uncle moved to Seattle and myself, my parents, my grandmother and a couple other aunts and uncles all went up to their place to visit. We all got tickets to the 49ers/Seahawks game up there since we’re all huge 49ers fans. Most of us have had season tickets since the mid 1980’s.

Well, Dumb Uncle came with us as well. The game itself was fucking wild. It was about 35 degrees, pouring rain with about 90mph winds, Alex Smith was actually playing well and leading the Niners on a comeback (they won the game), and I missed all of the fourth quarter.

What had happened was that Cancer Uncle had had WAY too much to drink and had started egging on some Seahawks fans in front of him. Now, the family was split up with myself, my grandmother, Cancer Uncle, Dumb Uncle and my dad on one side of the stadium and the rest of the family on the other side.

The median blood-alcohol level of the crowd was about .23. So Cancer Uncle is instigating some shit and one of the guys he’s prodding turns around and just bashes him right in the face. My grandmother is right next to him, then Dumb Uncle and then myself and my dad. Cancer Uncle is getting pummeled by two or three guys so I instinctively go flying across the aisle and throw one of them down the walkway and my dad does a sort of flying clothesline before two of them swarm on top of him. Cancer Uncle is fucking done at this point.

I end up ripping one of knuckles open on this guy’s teeth, take a shot right in the eye socket and then acquitted myself well by knocking him head over heels into the walkway. My dad, who’s like 52 or 53 at the time and has two guys in their early 20’s trying to beat the shit out of him, hip tosses one of them and then turns the other guy’s face into hamburger meat with three quick right straights to the nose. That ended it.

The four guys who pummeled Cancer Uncle are now in various states of disrepair, while us Niners fans are standing victorious while all the surrounding Seahawks fans are throwing their beers at us. And the whole time Dumb Uncle just sat there, literally with his hands folded across his chest doing nothing. Since Cancer Uncle and the guys who attacked him were shitfaced and my dad and I were stone-cold sober, the cops let us go and arrested them.

My grandmother fucking loved it and still talks about it to this day. It was the most exciting thing she’s experienced at a game in years, and she was on the 10 yard line at the 'Stick on the side of the field that Montana rolled out to before The Catch back in January of 1982.

My dad and I harangued him about it afterwards for a little while and all he could say was “I just couldn’t get involved.” He’s a fucking ex-Marine (who couldn’t swim to save my aunt’s life, or his) and he just sat there. I didn’t even realize what was going on with Cancer Uncle until he’d been practically knocked out cold since there was so much going on with the game and he was several seats away, but Dumb Uncle was right there and didn’t do shit.

I can’t wait until the Niners game this Christmas Eve. My dad and I have lost ALL respect for the guy as a man since then. The women in the family don’t get it, but my dad and I sure do. The Niners play Seattle on the 24th, IN Seattle just like that game and we’ll all be over at my parents’ house to watch it together, and there’s going to be this big unspoken agreement NOT to mention what happened at the game six years ago, but I just know I’ll find a way to slip in some snide remark or three, not directed at Dumb Uncle directly, but tailored in such a way that he’ll know EXACTLY what I’m REALLY saying and he’ll have to sit there and fucking take it.

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By the way, I pulled a nice prank at the Monday night game at the Stick and detonated a transformer right outside the stadium and cut power to the whole place twice.

Seriously though, that game was fucking wild. I can’t stand how everyone on TV keeps talking about how embarrassing the blackout was. Everyone at the game loved it. For a split second or two, I thought the first outage was part of the pre-game festivities. If anything, it really added to the atmosphere of the game. It did for me and everyone who was there that I talked to.

I mean, this is Candlestick Park we’re talking about. There were a couple Steelers fans from Pittsburgh sitting next to me (they were really nice, by the way, although I snatched their Terrible Tampons from one of them on the way out and tied it to the bumper of my truck afterwards and now I use it to wipe my ass). They mentioned how this wouldn’t happen at Heinz Field, so I had to lecture them on how Candlestick is the most historic football stadium in the NFL.

First of all, it’s the only place where a World Series game was interrupted by an earthquake, it’s definitely hosted WAY more playoff games than any other stadium in the NFL, maybe even more NFC Championship games (don’t quote me here, but I think it was there after the 72, 81, 84, 89, 90, 92 and 94 seasons), it was the home field of arguably the two greatest football players ever AND arguably the greatest baseball player ever (Montana, Rice and Willie Mays), plus it was the homefield for Hall of Famers or future Hall of Famers Ronnie Lott, Steve Young, Roger Craig, Terrell Owens, Charles Haley, Barry Bonds, Willie McCovey, Juan Marichal, Orlando Cepeda, Jeff Kent, Patrick Willis and maybe even Bryant Young AND it was the last place the Beatles ever played a public concert. So fuck Steelers fans. God, it was beautiful watching them file out of that place early. It’s still a fucking joke of a stadium, but everyone who’s been going there for years is really going to miss the place when it’s gone.

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^^ I know very little about sports but are you saying that Candlestick Park is both a baseball stadium and football field?

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[quote]Nards wrote:
^^ I know very little about sports but are you saying that Candlestick Park is both a baseball stadium and football field?[/quote]
It used to be. The Giants played their last season there in 1999. They started playing there in 1960 and the Niners moved there in 1970 or 1971 I think. They used to play at Kezar Stadium, which is the place in Dirty Harry where Inspector Callahan shoots Scorpio in the leg in the middle of the field and then grinds his foot into the guy’s bullet wound trying to get him to tell Harry where the girl is.

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[quote]krebcycle wrote:
A timeless classic

[/quote]

timeless indeed.

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^^ Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezus was that for real?!??

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This one is my favorite!

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This one is so clever. I love it!

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HOLY SHIT THIS ONE WOULD MAKE ME SHIT MYSELF AND THEN COVER MYSELF IN MY OWN SHIT IN THE HOPES OF HIDING IN A SHELL OF SHIT!!!

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One time I constructed a bunch of lower case T’s out of wood, planted them in the front yard of this rich, black family’s estate, and then lit them on fire while I stood around in a ghost costume. In case you’re wondering, the lower case T stood for “time to get out of town”