[quote]Sharp4850 wrote:
Best “prank” story I’ve heard of was (I think) an excerpt from some poster’s school paper. Apparently the writer had a terrible roommate, so he started engaging in psychological warfare with the guy. It was the most epic story I’ve ever read, and if I remember correctly in the end the roommate thought he was going insane (didn’t suspect foul play) and moved out.
Of course, I can never find that thread when I look for it. If anybody knows what I’m talking about I would love to find that story again.[/quote]
Found it! Holy SHIT I love this stuff! I wish I had a roommate worthy of another operation like this one. And believe me, this is ALL true shit. In fact, the same target mentioned in this article is also the same dipshit who I used to perform the fire-related pranks on! I know, I know. I’m twisted. It’s why DarkNinja fell in love with me though, so I’m okay with it.
Weâ??ve all had horrendous roommates. How do you deal with them? Do you beat their ass? Move? Hold a â??house meetingâ??? You could, but why risk legal action, an inconvenient move, or a confrontation that could worsen the situation? No, the best course of action is a highly-detailed, extremely covert counter-intelligence program (COINTELPRO) and a sinister psychological operations program (PSYOPS).
Iâ??ve had plenty of bad roommates. I used to resort to mundane tactics like ignoring the stupid bastard, but with my current vile roommate I went all out black ops. The target is delusional, surly, unintelligent, prone to violent mood swings, his frustration with his pathetic life is frequently misdirected toward me and I suspect he tried to assassinate me. Heâ??s a fucking psychopath who must be stopped, so I embarked on a COINTELPRO/PSYOPS program designed to shatter his psyche and drive him to the point of complete mental collapse without him ever knowing why the thin veneer of sanity he clung to was slowly slipping away. His innately fragile personality and inherently litigious nature made him a perfect candidate for COINTELPRO/PSYOPS.
First, I implemented a highly-sophisticated counter-intelligence operation. Disinformation is the key to shielding oneself from any suspicion should some of your PSYOPS actions get a little carried away. Act cordial at all times toward the target, invite the targetâ??s friends over, befriend his girlfriend in an innocent way, openly show concern for the targetâ??s growing level of psychosis (which is growing thanks to your PSYOPS program) and show interest in his hobbies.
An important aspect of COINTELPRO and PSYOPS is to do some basic reconnaissance and gather intelligence about the target. I carefully went through the targetâ??s bedroom and bathroom, looking for incriminating evidence that I could use against him. I used a Polaroid camera to take a picture of the room and have a way to return it to its original state. Itâ??s a little trick I learned from G. Gordon Liddy. The information can be valuable; I determined that my target received monthly payments from the state government due to an undisclosed disability. Whenever the target entered the room, I seamlessly switched conversation with my other roommate to the â??abhorrent natureâ?? of leeches that suck off the governmentâ??s teat because of some disability. The target, not knowing that I knew what I knew, would shamefully slink away to ponder his self-worth alone in his bedroom, which I had just rifled through only hours earlier. I also hid under his bed one evening and discovered that his girlfriend was exasperated with his erectile shortcomings. From then on, I made loud, ugly jokes whenever the target was in the room and a Cialis commercial came on the TV. COINTELPRO is fun, but PSYOPS is a real blast.
With PSYOPS, there is no limit to the methods one can implement, and I used them all. I felt like E. Howard Hunt in Miami in 1962! I put powdered niacin in the targetâ??s juice and watched his skin become so flushed he was convinced he was dying. I put microscopic amounts of my fecal matter into his cereal so that he constantly had what he thought was food poisoning. There is nothing more distressing to the psyche than blasting music in short bursts at a high volume at odd hours of the evening/early morning. A short burst of Ghostface Killa is more than enough to jar someone out of their slumber without fully awakening them. Just when I feel the target has fallen back asleep, I play an ear-shattering burst of Asian schoolchildren bickering at each other in Cantonese. After that, the deafening sound of incoming artillery fire in Afghanistan, followed by a swarm of bees, then pigs being butchered. Space these clips out over 30 minutes and your target will be so delirious and shaken heâ??ll be far too weakened to resist any further PSYOPS methods for very long.
Another favorite method I used was to remove fish from his fish tank. He had 15 or 20 in there, and every week, for reasons he never knew, one of them would disappear. When he complained the house was cold, I turned on the heat, but only after I covertly disconnected the ductwork into his room. He lost power in his room when I replaced the circuit breaker for it with a faulty one. Physical intimidation worked, such as flexing and screaming while in the same room as him, but never at him. This way, it looks like Iâ??m just being myself, but the constant presence of someone who is already clearly unhinged edging dangerously close to a violent outburst will make anyone feel uncomfortable. My target likes to do some rudimentary gardening, so I would put a few drops of bleach into his plants in the middle of the night. I had a raging case of the flu a few months ago and spread it to the target by coughing all over his bedroom doorknob. He was sick for more than two weeks. When heâ??s gone, I microwave his milk. I also like burning leaves on a warm evening when the targetâ??s windows are open. There he is relaxing in his bed and enjoying the cool breeze when noxious fumes from burnt oak leaves suddenly come billowing in through the window. Of course, he immediately asked me to put out the fire and I apologetically acquiesced, knowing that the damage had been done and that his room would reek for the next 12 to 24 hours.
After all of this subterfuge, the target had grown increasingly uncomfortable around the house and began seeking refuge with friends. Naturally, I began showing up to these social outings unexpectedly, thereby breaching his sanctuary and giving him no place to hide. Thanks to my extensive COINTELPRO operations, the target was unable to voice any dissatisfaction with his crumbling domestic situation without looking like a psychotic; he had no idea there was someone behind all of the weird little downturns in his life and if he badmouthed me to his friends, he would be doing so to the same people I had befriended and voiced concern to about his slipping mental state. This is the essence of spreading disinformation and propaganda. However, at some point the target may become aware of what is really going on and start a campaign against you. Perhaps the target will even have played some dirty tricks of his own against you and reveal his actions on the day he finally moves out in a nefarious attempt to â??get the last laughâ??. I have been worried about this possibility so I made sure I had an ace up my sleeve. To date, I have jerked off into his shampoo 22 times. If that bastard tries to leave on a high note, Iâ??ll simply tell him why his silky smooth hair has become so soft and manageable.
My COINTELPRO/PSYOPS program has been an unmitigated success. Since its inception, the target has broken down completely. He comes in the door and immediately goes to his room without speaking to anyone, he randomly screams and flails about the house, heâ??s broken down in tears in front of me, has openly admitted that he feels wholly uncomfortable in the house, and even exposed his genitals to me in a fit of paranoia and psychosis. But the best part is that he thinks his own warped mental state is the reason for all of this irrational behavior because he has NO CLUE that I am the one behind all of the downturns and psyche-shattering occurrences in his life. THIS is the epitome of a successful COINTELPRO/PSYOPS program. So the next time you find yourself stuck with a deranged roommate, why not make him a little bit more deranged?
