Q. Why did Ron Artest leave the game early?
A. Because he wanted to beat the crowd.
“No, but they gave one to me anyway.”
L.A. Lakers rookie Elden Campbell when asked if he earned a degree at Clemson University
Why can’t Ray Charles read?
Because he’s black.
How do you castrate a white man?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
Why don’t Mexicans barbecue?
Because the beans keep falling through the grill.
Q How can you tell if a woman orgasms?
A Who cares?
Q: What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common?
A: The taste.
For Thibs
Top 10 Reasons to Live in Quebec
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Everybody assumes you’re an asshole
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Racism is socially acceptable
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The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
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You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next
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Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
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The FLQ
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Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
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The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
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NON-smokers are the outcasts
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You can blame all your problems on the “Anglo bastards”
How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Canadians don’t change lightbulbs, we accept them as they are.
How to Improve Hockey
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During playoffs, players dress up as their favorite Ice Capades character
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Canadians must play in bare feet
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All penalty minutes must be served sitting next to that guy who played “Doc” on “The Love Boat”
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Just barely visible under ice: frozen body of Walt Disney
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Replace Zamboni with Ford Bronco
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“Your New Jersey Devils starting goalie–Miss Katharine Hepburn”
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New snack bar item: player’s missing teeth dipped in fudge
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Every team roster must include one lesser known cast member from “The Love Boat”
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Only guys named Stanley get to wear a cup
-
Let Michael Jordan take a crack at it
Why Golf Is Better Than Sex…
#10… A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9… You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of
beers.
#8… It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7… Foursomes are encouraged.
#6… You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5… Three times a day is possible.
#4… Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3… If you live in Florida, you can do it almost everyday.
#2… You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.
#1… If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!
what do a panther and a condom with a hole in it have in common?
you don’t want to fuck with either of them
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
Bill Clinton was at a baseball game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.
President Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.
The secret service man came running up to him and said, “Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch.”
What are O.J.'s favorite baseball teams?
The Red Sox and the Dodgers.
Yankees slugger Darryl Strawberry fouled a pitch off his foot and now has a crack in his big toe.
This is the first time that the name Strawberry and the word crack were used in the same sentence without it ending with his suspension.
Man gets home late from the pub, very very drunk…
Wife says, OK smart arse,explain the lipstick on your shirt…
Fucking easy, he replied…
I used my shirt to wipe my cock!
[quote]Renton wrote:
Man gets home late from the pub, very very drunk…
Wife says, OK smart arse,explain the lipstick on your shirt…
Fucking easy, he replied…
I used my shirt to wipe my cock!
[/quote]
haha! and you know somewhere, some guy has answered his wife or girlfriend like that.
Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can’t eat it.
Q. What is the definition of “making love”?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.