Politically Incorrect Jokes

Off Topic
101

Great thread :slight_smile: Read a nice quote about this topic:

"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end ".

102

Q. How can you tell when a black man is well hung?

A: You can’t get two fingers under the noose.

103

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:

We are all going to burn.  =)

[/quote]

Heaven for the climate, Hell for the humor.

104

I think one of my jokes was too unPC. That’s the problem with telling those jokes in pulbic, you don’t know where too far is until you’ve gone too far.

105

[quote]JRT6 wrote:
I think one of my jokes was too unPC. That’s the problem with telling those jokes in pulbic, you don’t know where too far is until you’ve gone too far.[/quote]\

If it was than this was the thread to type it in!!

Welcome to the place with the humor!

Q: How does every Mexican recipe start?
A: First steal 3 eggs


(I’m from California so it’s kind of regional)

106

What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?

The PGA tour.

107

What’s white and fourteen inches long?
Absolutely nothing!

How many white men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, white men will screw anything.

What’s the flattest surface to iron your jeans on?
A white girl’s ass!

What did the black guy do with his M&Ms?
Eat them

108

You know you’re trailer trash when


The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel’s makes your list of “Most Admired People.”

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying “Hey, y’all watch this!”

Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

109

Hey October


How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Californians screw in hot tubs.

(Alternate answer)

Eleven. One to screw it in, ten to share the experience.

110

Okay, a couple of my favories. Be warned. They’re long.

There once was a woman who, try as she might, just could not achieve orgasm.

Her relationships with men suffered from this, to the point that she suspected she may be a lesbian. But sex with women yielded the same result. No orgasm.

She visited many doctors, who were unable to diagnose any physical problems. She consulted several psychiatrists, who were likewise unable to divine any psychological reasons behind her unfortunate condition.

Finally, as she was about to give up hope of ever enjoying sex to the fullest, a friend recommended she see Doctor Okoye, a Haitian witch doctor. At this point the woman was willing to try anything.

She drove to Doctor Okoye’s clinic and stepped inside, carefully stepping around the cages of live chickens, the jars of dried herbs and fungus, and the strings of bones hanging from racks.

Doctor Okoye, a grizzled little brown man with long silver dreadlocks, listened carefully to her story, then nodded slowly. “I have just de ting,” he said, disappearing into the back room and returning momentarily with an oblong wooden box.

“Dis is Voodoo Dick,” he said. “Very powerful, very talented. Never fail. You jus’ tell dis here Voodoo Dick where you wan’ him to go, what you wan’ him to do, an’ he go an’ do it every time. Guarantee.”

The woman gladly paid the requested thousand dollars, took the wooden box and returned to her car. Not wanting to waste a minute, she drove to a secluded spot, removed her clothes and opened the box. Inside was a very lifelike dildo of impressive length and girth.

“Voodoo Dick,” she whispered, “rub my breasts.” The big dildo sprang to life at her words, hopped atop her naked belly and began caressing first one areola, then another, fondling her nipples and massaging her breasts. The woman moaned with delight.

“All right, Voodoo Dick, my clitoris, please,” she sighed. Voodoo Dick slithered down between the woman’s thighs, tenderly stroking her clitoris until she was shaking with pleasure.

“Oh, Voodoo Dick,” she purred, leaning far back in the car seat, “my G-spot now.” Voodoo Dick slid slowly inside her quivering body, finding the spot immediately and massaging relentlessly. The woman was panting heavily, very nearly on the brink of her first orgasm. Her voice was husky when she commanded, “Now, Voodoo Dick! Fuck me deep and hard!”

Voodoo Dick did as it was bidden. The muscular phallus plunged deep inside her, pumping and grinding, sending the woman into spasms of screaming rapture. White-hot waves of ecstasy coursed through her, as orgasm after orgasm racked her naked body. Finally exhausted after hours of exertion, she gasped hoarsely, “Enough, Voodoo Dick. Back in the box.”

But this time Voodoo Dick did not obey. If anything, the big dildo attacked her with increased vigor. “Voodoo Dick, I mean it,” the woman said. “Back in the box!” But Voodoo Dick continued its relentless assault, plunging deeper with every thrust.

Panicking, the woman grabbed what little of Voodoo Dick that was still protruding, and pulled hard with both hands. After a violent struggle, she tore the massive dildo, now engorged to a monstrous size, from her body. Voodoo Dick struggled to break her grasp and return to its interrupted task.

Screaming, the woman flung Voodoo Dick from her car window, started the engine and accelerated down the road in a cloud of dust. A glance in the rearview mirror, however, confirmed her worst fears: Voodoo Dick was chasing her, and gaining fast.

The woman floored the accelerator, and was just getting away when she heard a police siren. Reluctantly, she pulled over to the side of the road and waited.

The policeman got off his motorcycle and sauntered over to her car, resting his elbow on the roof. “Okay, missy,” he growled behind his mirrored sunglasses, “I just gotta hear your excuse for this. One hundred thirty miles per hour, running four stoplights, nearly hitting two cars and a pedestrian, and you don’t have any goddamn clothes on. Mind explaining yourself?”

The woman cast an anxious glance in her rearview mirror. Sure enough, she could just make out the familiar shape approaching. “Oh, officer,” she gasped, “please help me! Voodoo Dick is after me!”

The policeman became furious. Bending over, he put his florid face inches from hers, yelling, "Voodoo Dick? Voodoo Dick?! Oh, ‘Voodoo Dick’ my ass!!!


doh!"

111

So a little black boy and a little white boy are arguing. “God’s black,” says the little black boy. “No, God’s white!” says the little white boy.

This goes back and forth for a while, until finally the little black boy says, “You know, why don’t just we climb up the tallest mountain we can find and ask him?”

The little white boy thinks this is a pretty good idea, so off they go.

They hike and hike for hours, through the foothills and up the side of the tallest mountain in the area. It gets colder and colder, and the mountainside rougher and rougher.

Suddenly the little black boy slips and falls. “Aw, man,” he says, “I think I twisted my ankle! You’d better go on. I’ll wait here.”

So the little white boy goes on alone, up and up the towering mountain. It becomes harder to breathe. Finally, the little white boy reaches the top, gasping for breath in the thin air. He raises his face toward the heavens and yells, “God! God! Are you black, or are you white?”

The ground shakes, the clouds part, and a thunderous, preternatural voice fills the sky:

“I am
what I am.”

Electrified, the little white boy scurries down the mountain to find his friend.

“God’s white! God’s white!!” he says.

“What?” asks the little black boy, “he told you he was white?”

“Well, no,” says the little white boy. “But when I asked him, he said, ‘I am what I am’!”

The little black boy laughs. “‘I am what I am’? And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means,” says the little white boy, "that God’s white!..

“
if he was black, he woulda said 'I is what I is!”

112

[quote]Varqanir wrote:
Hey October


How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Californians screw in hot tubs.

(Alternate answer)

Eleven. One to screw it in, ten to share the experience.[/quote]

haha!! hey wait a minute
 =)

113

You are in California
You Know You’re In California When


The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

You were born somewhere else.

You know how to eat an artichoke.

The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

Your car has bulletproof windows.

Left is right and right is wrong.

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

Your mouse has only one ball.

You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.

You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

You can’t find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

You drive to your neighborhood block party.

Your family tree contains ‘significant others’.

Your cat has it’s own psychiatrist.

You don’t exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.

You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

More than clothes come out of the closets.

When ‘the Dead’ are best live.

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.

Smoking in your office is not optional.

When you can’t schedule a meeting because you must ‘do lunch’.

Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.

You’ll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.

You consult your horoscope before planning your day.

A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.

When all highways into the state say: ‘no fruits’.

All highways out of the state say: ‘Go back’.

You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

114

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

115

In the Beginning

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. “Where have you been?”

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.” “Balance?” Inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,” God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.” The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land mass and said “What’s that one?”

“Ah,” said God. “That’s California the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, deserts, streams, hills, and forests. The people from California are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!”

God replied wisely, “Wait until you see the idiots I put in Sacramento.”

116

I didn’t realize we were starting with the racist jokes
I just want to point out I’m not racist, I know a black dude that mows my lawn all the time


J/K. I’m actually not racist. If someone is offended I’ll be more than happy to take them down.

Why do black dudes have bigger penises than white dudes?

Because when white kids were growing up they had toys to play with.

117

Hear about the twelve Polaks who were raping a German woman?

She screamed “nein! nein!”


so three of them left.

118

How do you stop five black dudes from raping a white chick?

Throw them a basketball.

119

Adam and Eve had Irish last names. Here’s how they got them:

Adam lifted up Eve’s fig leaf and said “O’hare”. Eve lifted Adam’s fig leaf and said “O’toole”.

120

Q: What does a 7 year old girl from Alabama say when she doesn’t want to have sex?

A: Daddy, get off of me. You’re crushing my cigarettes.