meant to use this image
Q. What’s a woman do when she gets home from the hospital after the latest ‘incident’ of domestic violence?
A. The dishes if she knows what’s good for her.
Q. What do you say to a woman with two black eyes.
A. Nothing, you already told her twice.
(Ripping on myself now)
Q. What is an Italian w/ no hands?
A. Mute.
What do Kim Kardashian and FEMA have in common?
They both fuck black people.
I know of a good joke thats not about dead babies since those seem to be funny, at least to me, lol, although its pretty racist. We have immunity here? lol
Eh, screw it… If someone is REALLY offended, I’ll remove the joke.
This was told to me by my yankee dople ganger…
Q: What do you call seven black men hanging from an oak tree?
A: An Alabama wind chime.
OMG this is the best thread EVER!
Big black dude with a huge parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says “Holy shit, where’d you get that” and the parrot says “Africa, they got millions of them”.
Men are like…
…Placemats
They only show up when there’s food on the table.
…Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
…Bike Helmets
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly
…Parking spots
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
…Copiers
You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.
…Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
…Bank accounts
Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest
…high heels
They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
…Curling Irons
They are always hot, and they are always in your hair.
…Mini skirts
If you are not careful they’ll creep up your legs.
…Bananas
They older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like…Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like…Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like…Blenders.
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
Men are like…Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like…Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.
Men are like…Curling irons.
They’re always hot and in your hair.
Men are like…Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like…High heels.
They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like…Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like…Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like…Laxatives.
They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like…Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like…Mini skirts.
If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up on you.
Men are like…Noodles.
They’re always in hot water, they lack taste and they need dough.
Men are like…Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like…Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like…Placemats.
They only show up when there’s food on the table.
Men are like…Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap and they prove to be unreliable.
Men are like…Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
You’re single right?
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, “Single, are you?”
The woman smiles sweetly and replies, “How did you guess?”
He replies, “Because you’re ugly.”
What Men Should Never Say After Sex
-
“I was kidding about being sterile, you know.”
-
“Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?”
-
“How come it’s so BIG in there?”
-
“You’ve done this with a lotta guys before—right?”
-
“Next time I come over, don’t bother with the underwear, OK?”
-
(Sniff, sniff) “Is that CAT food?”
-
(Yelling) “OK guys, it’s a wrap, cut, and print it!!”
-
“You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!”
-
“My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better.”
-
“Do you know what a ‘douche’ is ?”
-
"Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow.
-
“I want you to try some of MY deodorant.”
-
“I’m not into relationships. Can’t we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?”
-
“Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!”
-
“I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !”
-
“I’ve been getting these little blisters lately-------”
-
“You wanna do those dishes before you leave ?”
-
“You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!”
Actual Chinese Movie Subtitles
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Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
-
Gun wounds again?
-
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
-
A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.
-
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
-
Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.
-
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
-
I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!
-
You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.
10.Beat him out of recognizable shape!
-
I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!
-
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
-
How can you use my intestines as a gift?
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows, it’s never been tried.
Q. Why don’t they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
A. So the Germans could march in the shade.
Q: How many gears does a French tank have?
A: 4 reverse and 1 forward, in case the enemy attacks from the rear.
Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburned armpits.
The Poo List
· The “Ghost” Poo-The kind where you feel the Poo come out, see Poo on the paper, but there’s no Poo in the bowl.
· The “Clean” Poo-The kind where you feel the Poo come out, see Poo in the bowl, but there’s no Poo on the paper.
· The “Wet” Poo-You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
· The “Second Wave” Poo-This Poo usually happens when you’ve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to Poo some more.
· The “Brain Hemorrhage Through Your Nose” Poo-You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
· The “Corn Cob” Poo-No more explanation necessary
· The “Lincoln Log” Poo-The kind of Poo that’s so enormous you’re afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
· The “Notorious Drinker” Poo-The kind of Poo you have the morning-after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
· The “Gee, I Really Wish I Could” Poo-The kind where you want to Poo but, even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet cramped and farting. (very frustrating if you’re using a pay toilet.)
· The “Power Dump” Poo-The kind that comes out so fast that you barely get your pants down when you’re done.
· The “Liquid Plumber” Poo-This kind of Poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the “Lincoln Log” Poo.)
· The “Spinal Tap” Poo-The kind of Poo that hurts so much coming out, you’d swear it’s got to be coming out sideways.
· The “I Think I’m Giving Birth Through My Asshole” Poo-Similar to the “Lincoln Log” and “Spinal Tap” Poos. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterward.
· The “Porridge” Poo-The type of Poo that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
· The “I Think I’m Turning into a Bunny” Poo-When you drop lots of little round turds that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
· The “I’m Going to Chew my Food Better” Poo-When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates your insides on the way out.
· The “What the Hell Died in Here” Poo-Also sometimes referred to as the “Toxic Dump”. Of course you don’t warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
· The “I Just Know There’s a Turd Still Hanging There” Poo-Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off, because if you wipe it now, it’s going to smear all over the place.
· The “Fire In the Bowl” Poo-The kind of Poo that singes the hair around your butt from the big feed of Mexican food the night before.
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
You’re single right?
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, “Single, are you?”
The woman smiles sweetly and replies, “How did you guess?”
He replies, “Because you’re ugly.”[/quote]
Hahaha so mean
Guy walks into a store with a labrador , throws it up into the air and starts swinging it around by the leash . mortified , the manager comes running over , screaming out " What the hell are you doing ?" " Just looking around " says the blind guy .
5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what THEY liked best about ‘Oral Sex’:
a… 3% liked the warmth.
b… 4% enjoyed the sensation.
c… 93% appreciated the silence.
Q. What’s the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.
Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.
Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.
Q. Why don’t witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.
Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. Push it aside and keep on eating…
Q. Why is a woman’s pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?
A. A pounding sensation in the ass.
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged
Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom’s apple pie.
Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her.
Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?
.
Q. What’s a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.
Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.
Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?
A. You don’t look down.
Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?
A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo
Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
Q. What’s the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore’s fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you.
Q. Did ya hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?
A. It works by changing your blood type!!
Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos?
A. Toys for Twats
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout “Fuck”?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout “Bingo!”
Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
A. Miracle whip.
Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.
Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.
A man and a woman are in an elevator. The woman presses the emergency stop and says ‘you have 2 minutes to make me feel like a woman’. He takes off all his clothes, throws them on the ground and says ‘iron those’.
Why don’t women need their licenses?
Because there’s no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?
Give her a shovel.
Why do they put cotton in the bottles with drugs in them at pharmacies?
To remind black people of what they did before they dealt drugs.
How do you get 100 dead babies in a phone booth?
A blender.
How do you get them out?
Corn chips.
A Portuguese guy and a black guy jump off the Empire State Building. Who hits the ground first?
Who cares?
We are all going to burn. =)