Ok = Scouser = Liverpudlian = me, so just saying I can take the piss outta myself too…
Q.What do you call a scouser in court?
A. The accused
Q.Did you hear about the scouser who broke his arm raking leaves?
A.He fell out of the tree.
Q.What do you call 3 scousers going over a cliff in a mini?
A.A waste - you can get four in a mini
Q.What do you call a scouser with an A level?
A.A liar
[quote]Renton wrote:
You can’t eat a train carriage.[/quote]
I just threw up a little.
[quote]Renton wrote:
Q.What do you call 3 scousers going over a cliff in a mini?
A.A waste - you can get four in a mini
[/quote]
I think the car would be more useful w/ 4 chavs
[quote]tmoney1 wrote:
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
Hey I’m hungry, let’s get something to eat.[/quote]
How easily amused am I that I love light bulb, and Helen Keller jokes?
geeez just dangle something shiney in front of me and I will be entertained for hours.
Feeling a little stressed out today?
Maybe you need someone to talk to!
CALL OUR
FREE PSYCHO HOTLINE NOW!
Here is what you’ll hear when you call:
If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, please press 1 exactly 4 times. You will be told you didn’t do it quite right. When you finally get it exactly right, we may help you develop and perfect a new compulsion.
If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. We will then help your partner find better ways to manipulate you more effectively.
If you have Multiple Personalities,
please press 3, 4, and 5. We will hypnotize you and help you recover repressed abuse memories, and then refer you to an attorney who believes in that stuff so you can sue your abuser(s).
If you have Schizophrenia, listen carefully and a small, quiet voice will tell you which number to press. When you get it right, hang up and wait for the answer to come in code over the radio.
If you have Paranoid Delusions, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can finish tracing the call.
If you have Attention Deficit Disorder, press any numbers you can in rapid sequence.
It won’t matter what the response is since you wouldn’t remember it anyway.
Work vs. Prison
IN PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK: You spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON: You get three meals a day.
AT WORK: You only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON: You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: You get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON: The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: You must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON: You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON: You get your own toilet.
AT WORK: You have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON: They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: You can’t even speak to your family.
IN PRISON: The taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON: You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON: You must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK: They are called managers.
9 Ways Not To Start Your Police Report
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times …
The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent …
The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire …
Before I get into the details, I’ve got a few “shout- outs” for my homeys in the command staff …
It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I’d lost my mind …
Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end.
Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly…
The suspect then tried to assault me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist …
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away …
Me next! Me next!
What do Wal-Mart and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both have little boys’ pants half off.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how old is Michael Jackson’s boyfriend?
Q: What’s the difference between menstrual discharge and sand?
A: Can’t gargle sand
How do you know if a Catholic priest is a paedophile?
Ask him two questions:
“Are you Catholic?”
“Are you a priest?”
A father is in the bath with his 3-year-old son.
Child: “Daddy, why is my willy different from yours?”
Father: “Well son, for a start, yours isn’t erect.”
A guy goes to the pharmacy. “I need some condoms for my 11-year-old daughter”, he says.
The pharmacist is shocked: “Your daughter is sexually active at 11?”.
The guy says, “Not really, she just lies there like her little brother”.
A man pulls up in his car beside a little boy.
He opens the door, holds out a brown paper bag of sweets and says, “Hey kid, if I give you a sweetie, will you come in my car?”.
To which the kid replies, “Gimme the bag and I’ll come in your mouth”.
What do you do after having a baby?
Put its nappy back on.
Why do you feed a baby into a blender feet first?
So you can come on its face.
Katie is 5 years old. Tomorrow will be her birthday.
“Dad, guess how old I’ll be tomorrow?”
“Don’t know,” he replies.
“I’ll be six!”
She goes into the kitchen and sees her Grandad.
“Grandad, guess how old I’ll be tomorrow?”
“To answer that I need you to remove your knickers.”
So she does that and he sniffs them. Then he fingers her, smells his finger and licks it.
“You will be six tomorrow,” he says.
“How do you know that?” she asks.
“I heard you talking to your dad.”
Note: In my culture we make fun of Turks for being slow the way Americans make fun of blondes.
(My best transliteration)
As a grammar exercise, a Turk was randomly asked to construct an “improper sentence.”
He holds his chin, closes his eyes and goes deep in thought. He looks up and says, “I fucked your mother.”
Insulted, the gentleman who posed the question looks at the Turk and says, “Well, there’s certainly nothing WRONG with that sentence…”
The Turk immediately responds, “Well, then, I fucked your sister, too.”
[quote]An undertaker says to a bereaved husband,
�??When did you realise your wife was dead?�??
�??Well,�?? he replies, �??the sex was the same but the dishes just kept piling up…�?? [/quote]
Hahahahaha you bastard 
How many Nor Cal’ers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Hella.
Q.What’s the only thing funnier than a field of dead babies?
A.The same field after it’s been mowed.
A woman went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband.
The instant she saw him she started crying.
One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he�??d see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.
She says to the undertaker “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?”
“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,” the undertaker replied.
The wife smiled at the man.
He continued, “After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads.”
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, ‘If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?’
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says,
‘Nah, go ahead.’
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, ‘Yep, that’s as far as I got, too’.
[quote]Renton wrote:
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, ‘If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?’
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says,
‘Nah, go ahead.’
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, ‘Yep, that’s as far as I got, too’.[/quote]
LOL, nasty!
It was April first when a young father went to the hospital to see his newly born son. Standing outside the glass partition, the nurse pointed to his baby son. The nurse smiled as she lifted the baby from its cot. She then strolled over to the table and bounced the baby’s head on the timber. The father was horror-struck and his hands went up to the window. The nurse smiled at him and started to swing the baby by holding it by it’s penis and scrotum.
The father was pounding frantically at the glass partition by this time. The nurse let go of the baby and with a sickening thud the baby went careering into the wall. Blood and guts went everywhere. The father took a runing jump at the glass partition. The nurse picked up the baby and tore it’s arms off as the father went hurtling through the glass. He was foaming at the mouth when he faced the nurse.
She said, “April fools! He was dead already!”
Q. What is a woman doing when she looks at a blank sheet of paper.
A. Reading her rights.