Ever been in a situation where you just want to punch yourself for being an idiot?
Ever say something that you though was funny but it only recieves an awkward silence?
I was at a party last night. Everyone wanted me to come since I don’t get out much anymore, had girls calling me to make sure I come out. Had people offering me rides.
I get there, everything is going smooth.
I get to know that several females have expressed interest, everyone happy to see me, basically winning at life. The works.
I am sitting at the table with some friends and I see one guy pick up a wine botte and throw it back, chugging it (??? classy eh?). My friend nudges me and says its empty, he is just doing it for the photos. I take the bottle from him and people turn and go with shit like “ehhh ImSkinny is going for it!”.
I wanted to show the bottle is empty and with the anticipation of me holding the bottle it would be funny. The bottle will be empty and I will be like “wtf?!?!?!” and everyone will laugh and laugh and laugh!
But no. The bottle wasnt fucking empty. It had a last gulp in there. So me being the cool cucumber that I am I tilted it without it touching my mouth. It all poured right over my white shirt. Red Wine. Everyone was looking.
Painful it was.
Years ago, I was rehearsing for a run of “Best Little Whorehouse In Texas”, and it was the day for the first run-through with the orchestra/band. As the show is full of country music, there were all the usual twangy instruments, including a pedal steel. Now, I knew a little about these, and during a lull, went over to the guy playing it and asked him, “Do you know any B. J. Cole?”
He looked at me a little funny, then said “You mean like this?” and launched into the solo of a song I knew - played exactly like it had been done on the record. The place erupted - the band all joined in, ad-libbing like crazy, and the whole cast took off, jiving around to the tune. Someone asked me “What the hell just happened?” and I explained what I’d done.
Came the end of the run-through, the conductor was passing around the thanks, giving the band names, and ended up with “…and thanks to B. J. Cole on the pedal steel.”
I wanted to die. My supposed hero, and I didn’t even know what he looked like.
i had just got back from playing army and i was out with my buddies and i managed to pick up this HOT blonde who was into the whole ‘oh omg u’re a soldier and have muscles and oooh la la’
so we go back to her house and i’m already about to finish b/c i haven’t had sex in like two months so we start doing the deed and it’s fairly ummmm…vigorous? anyways she’s either having a good time or putting on a show with all the sound effects and body twitches.
anyways, so i’m doing her from behind and she instantly pauses everything. so naturally i stop and go ‘what the matter’ to which she responds with a massive AH-CHOO and sneezes mad hard.
it ends up shooting me out of her like a freaking missile. i end up laughing so hard i’m not able to finish.
[quote]HolyMacaroni wrote:
i had just got back from playing army and i was out with my buddies and i managed to pick up this HOT blonde who was into the whole ‘oh omg u’re a soldier and have muscles and oooh la la’
so we go back to her house and i’m already about to finish b/c i haven’t had sex in like two months so we start doing the deed and it’s fairly ummmm…vigorous? anyways she’s either having a good time or putting on a show with all the sound effects and body twitches.
anyways, so i’m doing her from behind and she instantly pauses everything. so naturally i stop and go ‘what the matter’ to which she responds with a massive AH-CHOO and sneezes mad hard.
it ends up shooting me out of her like a freaking missile. i end up laughing so hard i’m not able to finish.[/quote]
HAHA! That’s funny.
I was once getting it on with a guy who i guess got so wrapped up in the moment he forgot to swallow his saliva. I look up at his face and I see this long string of drool just hanging from his mouth. When he saw my look of shock and realized he was drooling, he tried to reel it back in by sucking it up, but it was too late and the spittle breaks off and plops right on my cheek.
I couldn’t stop laughing. Sex can be pretty hilarious.
[quote]WormwoodTheory wrote:
This one time at a party I stabbed a guy.
he died.
…the end.[/quote]
That’s more of a public offense.
The mishap would have been if he just happened to slip and land on the switchblade you were conveniently using to cut limes for his G&T. Woopsie![/quote]
No, that’s not how Rockwood (wormwood+ ct rockula) party. There’s always a stabbing of some sort but usually wormwood can stop slashing before its too late. That was not the case last night.
i guess it was a mishap. I was trying to show him how sharp my new kitchen knives were when i tripped over his girlfriend’s unconscious body and fell on him. repeatedly.
wait i didn’t mention the girlfriend, did I? she was dead when i got there.
i mean unconscious. she was unconscious when i got there.
In elementary school I was walking home and needed to drop a deuce deuce real bad. Had the butt clinch/waddle going on and everything when nearing my house. Yet I was like 50 feet away and I just did not make it.
So me in a panic knowing my brothers were going to be there any second. Ran upstairs to my room. Stripped my white soiled undies off and looked outside my window to see an open trash right below. As I’m throwing them down there…my two little brothers and a neighbor caught me in the act. Still get shit for it til this day.
[quote]WormwoodTheory wrote:
i guess it was a mishap. I was trying to show him how sharp my new kitchen knives were when i tripped over his girlfriend’s unconscious body and fell on him. repeatedly.
wait i didn’t mention the girlfriend, did I? she was dead when i got there.
i mean unconscious. she was unconscious when i got there.
I worked at as a bag boy at a grocery store in high school. Of the 4 grocery stores, this was the oldest one in the worst part of town. I carried lots of groceries for a lot of bitchu people in a bumch of hoopties.
I was on my way back into the store after carrying out and a fat lady and daughter pulled up right in front of the store. She motioned for me to come over there. She said, “Can you tell Sam to come out here?” “Sure.”
I got into the store and find Sam, Asst. Manager running the store that night. “Hey Sam, some fat bitch out in the parking lot wants to talk to you.” I didn’t think anything else about it.
30 minutes later Sam comes back up to me, “Hey, Jr. that fat bitch from earlier. That was my mom.”
Dude I was stationed with back in my fleet days went and got completely housed with his boys. Their bringing him back to the ship, get out of the car, start across the parking lot, and he suddenly flips shit, kicking and swinging. They let go of him, and he lays down and passes out on the ground.
They look at each other like WTF? Then pick him up and get moving again. About fifty yards later, he does it again. This happens repeatedly, until they get halfway up the stairs to the junior brow (this is where junior people get on the ship - used to be called a gangplank), and say screw this. They leave him there, and go in and hit their racks. Some time later, someone else who is coming back to the ship finds him, still passed out and now covered in piss, shit, and vomit, and tell the petty officer of the watch. He gets the duty corpsman(medic) out of bed, and he and a few other duty personnel carry the guy to his rack.
Guy wakes up in the morning, rolls out of his rack, and looks at his pants laying next to him(still covered), and seriously says, ‘Who shit in my pants?’