[quote]nephorm wrote:
rainjack wrote:
But if she’s asking if something is wrong, I think you owe it to her to be honest.
Sorry, rainjack, but I really, really doubt that conversation would end well.
[/quote]
It depends. I honestly wouldn’t mind it if my husband told me he was struggling because an old flame was getting married. To me, it’d just mean that he was human. Not a big deal.
Then again, I’m not the jealous type. I believe you can be very content in your current relationship but still have emotions about past or potential loves.
Sometimes I think it helps to simply realize just HOW normal that is … that it’s nothing special, nothing unique that’s worth changing up your life or losing sleep over. Why act on or obsess about something that is so downright ordinary? You still have some feelings for an ex? Met a new person that you really clicked with? Join the club, buddy. You know what I mean?
[quote]TheBodyGuard wrote:
I don’t know if this is helpful or not but I want you to consider the following; First, this other dude she’s about to marry, probably has her ankles high in the air on a nightly basis while she screams bloody murder. She’s enjoying herself like never before and he’s giving it to her, and giving it to her well. It’s the best she’s EVER had - why else marry the guy? Did I mention he’s probably endowed like a porn star?
Now that you know this, get over it and be happy your wife is putting up with you. Sorry if I irritated a jealous spot or two, or three.[/quote]
Since I am endowed like a porn star this just makes me smile and not get jealous.
The bridesmaid told me the guy is a real nice guy and a step up from the losers she has been involved with after me.
[quote]nephorm wrote:
rainjack wrote:
But if she’s asking if something is wrong, I think you owe it to her to be honest.
Sorry, rainjack, but I really, really doubt that conversation would end well.
There are some things that should be withheld from a spouse or partner. Unresolved feelings for an ex… yeah, top of the list.
Unless, of course, you mean being honest in a general sense… i.e., “I’m feeling down lately.”[/quote]
That’s where knowing your wife comes into play. Jana would want to know. She wouldn’t be hurt, or feel insecure. Hell, she’s had her hooks in me for 15 years - it’s not like I can hide that much from her.
If Zap’s wife is on the insecure side - then maybe a little tip-toeing is required. I don’t know her, so I can’t make that call.
But I do say honesty is the best policy, and there is a big difference between hurting with the honesty, and honestly telling your spouse what’s going on inside you.
You’ve been maried for 10 years! Have two kids! It’s been 13 years since! She’s 40 or nearly 40! Holy shit, you should have had anxiety for her for the past few years and relief after hearing she’s finally getting married. I would have felt bad for her being single all that time.
…[/quote]
I have thought about her many times over the years and I always hoped she was not lonely. When I heard she was getting married I was happy for her. I still am happy for her. She is a great person and deserves a great life and family.
That is why I am so shocked at how hard this whole thing has hit me.
[quote]rainjack wrote:
But I do say honesty is the best policy, and there is a big difference between hurting with the honesty, and honestly telling your spouse what’s going on inside you. [/quote]
Maybe you’re right… I’m not married, so wtf do I know, really.
I think I will talk to my wife tommorow night. My older daughter has a sleep over. If we can get the little one to sleep we will actually have some time to talk.
She knows I have been feeling off lately. There are more reasons than just the old girlfriend, (turning 40, changes at work, more money, responsibility and some learning to do etc.) The thing about the ex is it shocked me how hard it hit me and I did not know how to react.
Holding it all in for 2 weeks without talking to anyone made it worse. Losing sleep is just making everything spiral down.
Now that I have been talking it over I feel better about everything.
If I can get some sleep I am sure I can bounce back to my usual cynical, sarcastic in control self.
Many thanks for all the good words and for busting my chops. I needed both.
[quote]EmperialChina wrote:
…all these “feelings” and desires and in the end it comes down to the insatiable ego and nothing more.[/quote]
My thoughts exactly. You feel like someone has gotten something of yours and it hurt your pride to see another guy walk with it. BEFORE you tell your wife, consider how happy you would be if she revealed the same to you.
Every time you think of this old GF, consider why you married your wife and these feelings will pass (GF) soon.
[quote]Zap Branigan wrote:
I think I will talk to my wife tommorow night. My older daughter has a sleep over. If we can get the little one to sleep we will actually have some time to talk.
[/quote]
NO!
Zap, you don’t have the right to lay this on your wife. Deal with it yourself and get over it. Don’t bring her into it and stress her life out. If you love her protect her feelings and protect your marriage.
Even if she’s totally understanding and supportive, at some level it will hurt her. Don’t do it. Marriages don’t need to take any extra dings.
[quote]on edge wrote:
Zap Branigan wrote:
I think I will talk to my wife tommorow night. My older daughter has a sleep over. If we can get the little one to sleep we will actually have some time to talk.
NO!
Zap, you don’t have the right to lay this on your wife. Deal with it yourself and get over it. Don’t bring her into it and stress her life out. If you love her protect her feelings and protect your marriage.
Even if she’s totally understanding and supportive, at some level it will hurt her. Don’t do it. Marriages don’t need to take any extra dings.[/quote]
Gotta agree with this. Man up and mend your brokenheart by yourself. Unless your wife is super secure beyond the norm any mention of this could hurt her.
[quote]TrainerinDC wrote:
Houshin Akai you have to be one of the best posters I have seen anywhere on the internet, or in life for that matter.
We all are in love with a memory of something we once had. And being human we love the tragic. The love that got away, the great man who died young. If the story wasn’t sad, if there was no big amount of pain, it just wouldn’t be interesting.
Well, as men, we have to realize the difference between the pain and tragic that compells us, and the reality of our situation. I sincerely believe that you love your family, and your life, and what you have now, and that you need to separate your past and what could have been, from what is.
[/quote]
I agree with Trainer… that was extremely well written and im glad you took the time to do it…
[quote]Zap Branigan wrote:
I think I will talk to my wife tommorow night. My older daughter has a sleep over. If we can get the little one to sleep we will actually have some time to talk.
She knows I have been feeling off lately. There are more reasons than just the old girlfriend, (turning 40, changes at work, more money, responsibility and some learning to do etc.) The thing about the ex is it shocked me how hard it hit me and I did not know how to react.
Holding it all in for 2 weeks without talking to anyone made it worse. Losing sleep is just making everything spiral down.
Now that I have been talking it over I feel better about everything.
If I can get some sleep I am sure I can bounce back to my usual cynical, sarcastic in control self.
Many thanks for all the good words and for busting my chops. I needed both.[/quote]
Are you nuts? You’re going to talk to your wife about your ex-girlfriend? Why on Earth would you want to hurt your wife that way?
[quote]Zap Branigan wrote:
I think I will talk to my wife tommorow night. My older daughter has a sleep over. If we can get the little one to sleep we will actually have some time to talk.
She knows I have been feeling off lately. There are more reasons than just the old girlfriend, (turning 40, changes at work, more money, responsibility and some learning to do etc.) The thing about the ex is it shocked me how hard it hit me and I did not know how to react.
Holding it all in for 2 weeks without talking to anyone made it worse. Losing sleep is just making everything spiral down.
Now that I have been talking it over I feel better about everything.
If I can get some sleep I am sure I can bounce back to my usual cynical, sarcastic in control self.
Many thanks for all the good words and for busting my chops. I needed both.[/quote]
I think this may be a mistake – if you need to let it out, talk to your brother or your dad or your best friend. As has been pointed out, the idea that you’ve been brooding on an ex for weeks might hurt your wife, and that is the last thing I think you would want.
Also, I would focus on some of the other changes you are experiencing now – it may well be that the discomfort with the changes to job, responsibilities, age, etc., are making you look back with rose-colored glasses to a more carefree time of your life, which you associate with her. The change of her getting married may be the death of that fantasy of a return to the carefree youth more than anything else.
Anyway, think long and hard telling your wife about the ex – maybe a general conversation about the other things you mentioned above would help a whole lot more.
The first rule of fight club: you do not talk about fight club
I think telling your wife is a poor decision.
Telling the brides maid was HUGE mistake.
If I were you I would not tell anyone else, and lie about it if confronted. Mixing truth with lies is usually effective ie:
someone: i heard about what you said to _______
you: huh?
someone: oh that you said _____ about ____
you: oh yea, that was awhile ago (last month? of course you dont say this part)
Midlife crisis? I dunno if anyone suggested it before, but it can happen to the best of us. It’s a little late in the game to be lamenting of girls lost.
My best friend shot himself in May, I was asked to write his eulogy, it was the most painful time of my life, I don’t know if there will be anything more tragic to me (at least I am hoping not). The incident inspired me to get a tattoo, it’s a cross on my shoulder it says “vivere nullo desiderio” which translates in to “life without regrets”, life is too fucking short to go through it wishing you could have changed something or done something different, you have only enough power to change your direction, not your starting point. You obviously have a wife who loves you a great deal I would take her out on a date if i were you (how long has it been?) and then after that I would fuck her brains out, if she’s still concious, repeat. Role play during sex or some shit make it interesting, get her a wig call her a different name have her call you a different name have wild kinky jungle sex gorilla suit and all. And in the future, work your hardest to not let opportunities slip by you, dont let one mistake of losing a girl evolve in to two mistakes losing girls. Hope this helps.
[quote]Arc_1mpuls3 wrote:
The first rule of fight club: you do not talk about fight club
I think telling your wife is a poor decision.
[/quote]
This isn’t as fucking movie.
Good lord. Are you people so duplicitous that you will actually keep something as trivial as an old flame that is tearing you up quiet?
Zap just said there was a whole laundry list of things that were causing him some stress.
Knowing that - my bet is that the ex getting married is not the real problem - it is just the manifestation of many things.
I’m gald I don’t have to live like some of you. Honesty keeps the ulcers at bay and - believe it or not - strengthens relationships. I know - go figure. Telling the truth being good for you.