About the lack of sleep, try some valerian and ZMA (or something similar) a little while before you go to bed. And of course, the usual lack of stimulants from afternoon onward. And when you get to bed, try some meditative tricks to bore your mind into sleep. I’ve suffered insomnia a few times and focusing on a countdown or some simple scenario usually helped me shut down the thought process long enough to drift off. Women are an easy cause of insomnia.
About thoughts of the Ex, you probably are stuck with them. But like you let it out to the bridesmaid, letting it out in some anonymous journal and really finding what you want to say through writing it might help. Then your thoughts would be out AND you will have them shared. Same principle as therapy, but there you’d probably get a professional helping find what needs to come out. Neither of these things eliminate the memories and thoughts, but they might de-fang the problem. Otherwise, try refocusing on your daily life with the wife and kids and whatever other activities in which you participate. When the Ex pops into your head, make an effort to think of what you’re doing right then and there or of anything else that isnt related to her. Finally, if you have to, tell yourself that she’s dead and gone. That all you have is a memory. Then stay away from her and the mention of her as much as possible.
These are the things that’ve helped me deal with the open wounds of the past.
I don’t know if this is helpful or not but I want you to consider the following; First, this other dude she’s about to marry, probably has her ankles high in the air on a nightly basis while she screams bloody murder. She’s enjoying herself like never before and he’s giving it to her, and giving it to her well. It’s the best she’s EVER had - why else marry the guy? Did I mention he’s probably endowed like a porn star?
Now that you know this, get over it and be happy your wife is putting up with you. Sorry if I irritated a jealous spot or two, or three.
While I have certainly loved and lost (and it was worth the cost), I understand exactly why it hit you hard. There are lots of us out there who have had the same exact experience. Bang…in the heart…wander around a few days…
And, keep it here. It’s an unasked for emotion, so don’t spread it to others…by giving them heartache by giving thme unasked for emotions.
Depending on your spouse, EARLY it might have helped to say: “This just seems weird, but I heard Blank is getting married. Just weird…not happy or sad, just weird.” “Weird” is a safe mode term for interactions in the male/female world. Shrug your shoulders…move on or discuss as appropriate.
I have been exactly where you are…let time deal with the bulk of this…don’t screw it up by going all “The Graduate” on anybody. (when he shows up at the wedding at the end)
[quote]Zap Branigan wrote:
kroby wrote:
It sure feels good to be human. The only way to move on is to face the feelings head on. If it’s affecting your sleep, it’s serious. Sorry to hear it, Zap. Therapy???
I don’t want to be human. I want to be able to control my emotions like Mr. Spock.
[/quote]
Oh darlin. sighs I feel that way everyday.
…Mr. Spock…love that half man.
Wish we could get married :'C
Whenever I see him…its as if someone bulldozed me into eternal mourning.
Why is my blood not green??? Why?! sighs :C
OK, since you now have a grasp of sorts on things and hopefully I’m not too late I feel that you should not tell your wife, unless you can down play it something like “Hon, you know when ____ got married it felt weird because I used to go out with her, you know what I mean?” and that is about as far as you should go. You don’t want to plant the seed of less worthiness to you. So be smart about this. I have been on the other end, I was the guy that married an Ex’s “The one that got away.” I’ll try to shorten it here, my wife was dating this guy, they were engaged and she broke it off, a couple of months later I walk into her life and I was “The man of her dreams” LOL, anyway our first date was at her sister’s wedding. Her sister got married on the day she was to marry this guy, this guy was also a friend of the family so he was there. All went fine at the reception, in fact that day we made it official that we were an item. While I was waiting for her at her parents place prior to the reception, I was sitting at the table with her parents. Her mom made this comment “Sigh… today she would be marrying ____ too bad.” I replied with my arms up in the air in a victory (a la Rocky) raise “I guess I won!” Her dad spit his beer out and her mom couldn’t help but laugh. When we married, her parents said she has never seen their daughter happier. I’m friends with all her ex boyfriends that I have met throught the years. It’s just relationships, they change, some for the better and some not. Obsessions can get out of control, be careful.
And by the way, I asked my wife to marry me 2 months after we met and 2 years from then is when we were married, been married 19 years, 2 kids. We’re having a ball.
[quote]Avoids Roids wrote:
It happens to everyone Zap.
Your glass is still half full, not half empty.
So shut up and lift.[/quote]
Yup.
You have the power to make a monumental decision. Take charge. Feelings are great and all - but who’s in charge? You or your feelings? It’s all an issue of awareness, Zap. I’ve always had this notion that you have great control of situations; cool and level headed.
It’s time to discover why you feel this way, and make it work for you, not ON you. If you can’t find something good about this situation, you’re out of practice. Because there is always something good - if even only that “it’s over.” Get it? Endings are great.
And, how can a bike ride not make everything great? Skinny legs? Do some squats.
I am no expert but I recommend buying a punching bag and beating the hell out of it everytime you start having those thoughts. It works for me plus its a great workout. By the way this is my first post. Sup everybody.
Wow Zap. I had a friend who had the exact same thing as you.
He was a 100m sprinter and his goal was to qualify for the US Olympic team. He trained for hours each day, hitting all of his goals along the way. Going into his final meet of his senior year in college, he still hadn’t qualified, but he was sure this meet would do it because of his training leading up to it. Final meet time, the gun goes off and he pulls his hammy. No Olympic trials. He ended his career that way.
Come to think of it, it’s nothing like your situation at all, but I think you get the point, anyway.
Self induced mind fuck" is right. I’m a pretty sensitive, emotional guy, but I can’t see your reaction at all.
You’ve been maried for 10 years! Have two kids! It’s been 13 years since! She’s 40 or nearly 40! Holy shit, you should have had anxiety for her for the past few years and relief after hearing she’s finally getting married. I would have felt bad for her being single all that time.
I won’t even watch Old Yeller and my eyes well up everytime I see Tailcat go over the waterfall. When I heard my college love got dumped by some chicken shit after he knocked her up, it didn’t mess me up as bad as your messed up.
[quote]Danny John wrote:
While I have certainly loved and lost (and it was worth the cost), I understand exactly why it hit you hard. There are lots of us out there who have had the same exact experience. Bang…in the heart…wander around a few days…
And, keep it here. It’s an unasked for emotion, so don’t spread it to others…by giving them heartache by giving thme unasked for emotions.
Depending on your spouse, EARLY it might have helped to say: “This just seems weird, but I heard Blank is getting married. Just weird…not happy or sad, just weird.” “Weird” is a safe mode term for interactions in the male/female world. Shrug your shoulders…move on or discuss as appropriate.
I have been exactly where you are…let time deal with the bulk of this…don’t screw it up by going all “The Graduate” on anybody. (when he shows up at the wedding at the end)[/quote]
Hey, but it worked for the Graduate they left together on the bus at the end to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel. Good advice.
[quote]TheBodyGuard wrote:
I don’t know if this is helpful or not but I want you to consider the following; First, this other dude she’s about to marry, probably has her ankles high in the air on a nightly basis while she screams bloody murder. She’s enjoying herself like never before and he’s giving it to her, and giving it to her well. It’s the best she’s EVER had - why else marry the guy? Did I mention he’s probably endowed like a porn star?
Now that you know this, get over it and be happy your wife is putting up with you. Sorry if I irritated a jealous spot or two, or three.[/quote]
You forgot to mention the guy also looks like Denzel Washington or Brad Pitt, 6’5", 270, sliced to the bone, 15 years younger, have 3 degrees up his ass, earns few millions a year, fucking several hotties on the side AND she participates in menage a trois with him on a regular basis.
Good advice.