Its been a long time since I’ve posted here. I was never a very active poster, but when I was in college I was on this site reading every day.
Right now I just need to vent.
January 2008 I competed in my first powerlifing meet. It was amazing. My lifts sucked, but the environment, getting advice from other lifters, and just witnessing with my own eyes the amazing amounts of weight the human body can move. (much different than watching video) I was hooked.
I had built myself up from a scrawny 150 lb kid to a less scrawny 200 lb kid. I felt better about myself than I ever have before, got over a lot of self image issues and started feeling like I could actually accomplish something if I worked hard enough.
I set a goal to get my deadlift up from 450 to 500. Then I got deployed to Iraq. Of course I hadn’t done cardio in years, so my PT test was laughable. I was also over the BMI for my height. At this point, depressed about getting deployed, having to lose the weight I had worked so hard for, and having at best intermittent access to weights, I did the wrong thing, which was to give up.
I put in my year in Iraq, my bodyweight dropped back down to 150, I lifted when I had access to the gym on base, sometimes… I made excuses about the heat, and the 18hr days… and I ran 2 miles a day.
I finally got back from Iraq, but I didn’t have any idea what to do next. In college I had bounced from major to major and never really picked anything. I’m not a school kind of person. I don’t like paying people to read books to me that I can read myself.
So I started looking for a job. Problem was, I had no applicable skills from the military. I ended up selling computers at best buy part time and living at my parent’s place. (luckily my parents were not living there at the time)
I went to the gym sporadically. But everytime I did I would just get pissed about how weak I was compared to what I used to be. I also had to feed myself on my crappy part time job, unlike before when I had access to all you can eat school cafeterias. More bullshit excuses.
I felt worthless about my job, I felt worthless in the gym, I didn’t really know where I was going. I was just glad to be out of Iraq.
Enter the girl. I met a girl who called me out on my bullshit. Said I was too intelligent to do nothing with my life, that I was being lazy, and that yes, indeed I was being worthless. She pushed me to actually try doing something with my life. She’s a web designer and worked alongside a bunch of programmers. She suggested it might be a good fit. So I picked up a book and began learning to write code.
She pushed me to actually try at something for the first time since a few years earlier when I had tried at powerlifting. I started to feel good again. One book turned to 2, then to 3, pretty soon I had stacks all over the place.
Then she got pregnant.
At this point we had only known each other about a month. We took marriage off the table because we didn’t want it to be just because she was pregnant. But it forced us to start looking at what it would be like to be together for the rest of our lives.
Then she miscarried. We had already started picking out names. I guess there is a reason they say not to do that until the 3rd trimester.
After a few months, we got an apartment together, and I moved out of my parents place. I started going to a tech school, and through the VA was able to get some education benefits so that I could actually afford to contribute to rent a little bit.
From time to time I still regretted giving up on powerlifting. She thought it was a silly boy thing and didn’t want me to get “big and gross”
In October of 2010 we got married, after only dating for a little over 6 months. I had felt good about the idea of having a child with her and we felt like even though it wasn’t much time, we had gone through enough together to know.
I started to get very good at programming. A little over 6 months after reading my first book, I developed a chess application that we could play together. A little over a year after starting to learn I got my first “real job”
At this point I felt spectacular about myself. In just over a year I taught myself more than most kids learn from a 4 year computer science degree. I was doing great at work, and after only a couple months they offered me a bonus and said they were shocked at how far past entry level I was.
My wife was still a web designer, working at a company with lots of web programmers. I met her boss. He offered me a lot more money to come over to his company. At this point I had been at my “real job” for less than 6 months. So in less than 6 months I had been given a bonus and then been headhunted by another company. I took the job working with my wife and my salary nearly doubled.
I felt like the biggest hotshot in world. I still do some extent. Though the skill level of the developers at this company is much higher, so now I’m average instead of a rockstar. Which is nice because I am able to learn so much from them.
At this point life was feeling pretty good. With the rat-race to get a real job over, I decided it was time to get back into powerlifting. I bought a power rack from elitefts. Our rental had a 1 car garage, so I stuck it in there and we parked the cars outside. My wife didn’t really approve. She still thought it was a stupid boy ego thing, but she conceded because I had worked my ass off and earned it.
It had been long enough at this point that I was able to get over what I used to be able to lift, and focus on enjoying the feeling of improving week to week. It helped that I had my confidence back.
As our lease started to get near expiring we decided to start looking for a house. We needed a garage and the gym was taking up a ton of space, in addition to the furniture we had crammed in every room.
We started looking at houses. Her credit was terrible, but mine was good and with the VA loan I was able to apply by myself and get approved. We had it narrowed down to two houses. My favorite was her second favorite, and vice versa.
My favorite had a huge, open utility room that would have been able to fit every piece of gym equipment I could want. Her favorite still had a space in the utility room big enough for my gym, but not much room to expand. I told her she should decide, she picked her favorite of course.
Three weeks after moving in she told me she wants a divorce.
That was about three weeks ago.
WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T SHE SAY SOMETHING BEFORE WE BOUGHT THE HOUSE?
She doesn’t want the house. We haven’t even made a payment yet, there is no equity in it. If we sold it we’d owe money because of all the VA funding fees and closing costs.
Now shes looking at apartments and I’m going to be stuck paying the mortgage all by myself.
She’s stopped wearing her ring to work. So no doubt all of our female coworkers have started to gossip.
I think the most painful part is that she’s completely nonchalant about it. She hasn’t cried once or shown any kind of emotion. She says she never actually loved me. She said I seemed like a really good catch. She said I was good looking and she knew I’d make a lot of money one day, and that she thought she would fall in love with me eventually, but she didn’t.
We got married way too soon. I see that. But she’s looking at this like its nothing more than breaking up with a boyfriend you’ve dated for a few months. She says its no big deal because we don’t have kids yet. We shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. So its essentially just a normal breakup.
I’m completely caught off guard. I truly love her. I always thought she loved me. Now she wants a divorce and it isn’t even enough to make her get choked up. I mean that little to her.
So here’s the bright side of things: I have a gym. I didn’t realize it before, but the fact that she didn’t approve of powerlifting made me reserve myself over the last 6 months that I’ve started again.
Now that I’m angry as fuck and her opinion doesn’t matter, the intensity of my training has gone way up. I’m able to be as loud and aggressive without worrying about her judging me in the next room, because I already know she doesn’t give a fuck about me. I got a 40 lb pr in my squat the other day. Still nowhere near what it once was, but it feels good.
Powerlifting is what I have left. So I’ve come full circle. 4 years ago, I was alone and powerlifting was giving me something to look forward to everyday. And now once again, I have something to look forward to every day. No matter what other bullshit is going on in my life.
Thanks for reading my rant.
[Word of Advice]
If you are planning on getting married. You are planning on spending your entire life together. 20-60+ years. If you are going to be together that long, what difference does it make if you get married now or two years from now. TAKE IT SLOW.