Need A Man's Perspective: Motivate My Husband

Training Bodybuilding
41

[quote]tribunaldude wrote:

newsflash, if you didn’t bodybuild and lay a serious foundation of size in your 20’s you ARE going to look bad when you hit middle age unless you had outstanding genetics. Why do you think the rest of us work so hard to bulk up in our teens and twenties. If you want to have a six pack whe youre 40, you should be able to do a local show when you’re 25. Else, you’re fucked.
[/quote]

This is not necessarily true. I didn’t start seriously building muscle until my early 30s. I was super skinny and got super out of shape in my late 20s becoming the hated “skinny fat”. I am bigger and stronger now than I have ever been. I’m far from fucked.

However, I will admit it’s harder to do now than it would have been a couple of decades ago, no doubt.

Not true necessarily. UNLESS you continue to do no exercise and eat whatever you want then yes…you are correct.

True.

This is also not necessarily true. I know a couple of examples where a girl actually used to be part of the muscle beach crowd in her 20s and looked fantastic and now 25 years later hasn’t worked out in years and is completely out of shape and looks terrible. Her mind got “old” and she got “apathetic” towards her appearance.

You just never know how people are going to change over time for the better or for the worse. You can certainly hedge your bets however by looking for the signs that have been discussed in this thread but you can’t always predict how people are going to change down the road.

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I say get in shape first, don’t stock the kitchen with bad stuff. So he has to go out of his way to get any bad food. If he wants to go eat bad food you can go and order the food healthy so he watches you eat healthy while you just focus on yourself. Overtime he will see you change if you are truly committed to yourself.

Along with the fact that if you learn healthy recipes and that is all there is to eat he’s going to slowly unwittingly get dragged in.

But the best way to get people to participate is to climb for the top and demonstrate how being in super shape allows you to run around in a bikini ~ wear daring outfits ahem scandalous hot sexy bom chikawowow stuff - have abundant energy and what not ~ If anything you can just work on teaching the kids.

He must change himself but you can be a good influence by demonstrating through your body, no nagging ( avoid at all costs ). Also don’t bring up health conversations with him or talk about nutrition with him unless he asks. That is for you and like-minded individuals. It will only bug him.

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October Girl,

I think it’s noble that you’re playing her champion, but must you continuously refer to her husband as a “pussy” and a “fat slob?” Unless I missed it, I didn’t see anyone calling the OP a derogatory term.

How are your comments any different than other members referencing the OP’s weight issues? Morever, the husband is not here to defend himself and the OP has yet to challenge a post.

She mentioned she lost 37 lbs and has 59 lbs to go. That’s 96 lbs overweight by anyone’s math. I think it’s great that she’s headed in the right direction but it seems to me like the proverbial pot calling the kettle black.

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[quote]Polish Rifle wrote:
October Girl,

I think it’s noble that you’re playing her champion, but must you continuously refer to her husband as a “pussy” and a “fat slob?” Unless I missed it, I didn’t see anyone calling the OP a derogatory term.

How are your comments any different than other members referencing the OP’s weight issues? Morever, the husband is not here to defend himself and the OP has yet to challenge a post.

She mentioned she lost 37 lbs and has 59 lbs to go. That’s 96 lbs overweight by anyone’s math. I think it’s great that she’s headed in the right direction but it seems to me like the proverbial pot calling the kettle black.

[/quote]

Yah, I kinda do as those are the terms (although I could have said fat bitch) used to refer to wives who have put on weight in other threads.

The OP might be at work, or might not log in all day long. I don’t really care if the husband isn’t defending himself, the thread wasn’t started by him.

The OP was chastised and called a nag and told she was in no position to say anything, and yet in other threads where big guys are complaining about their wives not losing weight, the “Kate Harding” thread for example, the wives were flayed and the OP was deemed a good guy in a tragic circumstance. Lots of “leave the fat bitch” and all that. None of that here though.

you’ve had to have read those threads, maybe you just don’t see the hypocrisy

45

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:

Yah, I kinda do as those are the terms (although I could have said fat bitch) used to refer to wives who have put on weight in other threads.

The OP might be at work, or might not log in all day long. I don’t really care if the husband isn’t defending himself, the thread wasn’t started by him.

The OP was chastised and called a nag and told she was in no position to say anything, and yet in other threads where big guys are complaining about their wives not losing weight, the “Kate Harding” thread for example, the wives were flayed and the OP was deemed a good guy in a tragic circumstance. Lots of “leave the fat bitch” and all that. None of that here though.

you’ve had to have read those threads, maybe you just don’t see the hypocrisy

[/quote]

To be honest, I’ve never read that thread but wouldn’t be shocked if that stuff was going on.

Either way, it sounds as if BOTH parties got off track and now one of them is getting back into fitness. Hopefully she stays on task. As others have stated, this would be the best form of motivation for the hubbie unless he is truly a lazy slob who’s given up on himself physically. If that’s the case, the OP will have to make a decision for herself down the road.

Perhaps she’ll update all of us tomorrow with her reaction/comments to this suddenly popular thread.

46

Strike that…

I did see the Kate Harding thread. She’s the woman who blogs about fat being beautiful, correct?

Point taken. The hypocrisy is evident when comparing the two threads.

Regardless, I’d be interested in hearing kbragg’s response(s) in the upcoming days.

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[quote]Polish Rifle wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:

Yah, I kinda do as those are the terms (although I could have said fat bitch) used to refer to wives who have put on weight in other threads.

The OP might be at work, or might not log in all day long. I don’t really care if the husband isn’t defending himself, the thread wasn’t started by him.

The OP was chastised and called a nag and told she was in no position to say anything, and yet in other threads where big guys are complaining about their wives not losing weight, the “Kate Harding” thread for example, the wives were flayed and the OP was deemed a good guy in a tragic circumstance. Lots of “leave the fat bitch” and all that. None of that here though.

you’ve had to have read those threads, maybe you just don’t see the hypocrisy

To be honest, I’ve never read that thread but wouldn’t be shocked if that stuff was going on.

Either way, it sounds as if BOTH parties got off track and now one of them is getting back into fitness. Hopefully she stays on task. As others have stated, this would be the best form of motivation for the hubbie unless he is truly a lazy slob who’s given up on himself physically. If that’s the case, the OP will have to make a decision for herself down the road.

Perhaps she’ll update all of us tomorrow with her reaction/comments to this suddenly popular thread.

[/quote]

I agree.

and I also agree with the posters who said that if she were the one doing the grocery shopping and the cooking than a huge factor in him and her losing weight, is in her hands.

If she doesn’t buy the sugary junk then he at least won’t be eating it at home.

If she cooks him healthy meals than he will have healthy meals to eat.

48

[quote]Professor X wrote:
It doesn’t matter if you married a damned fitness model. If she wasn’t doing it for herself at all, eventually, she will quit once whatever stimulus made her train is gone.[/quote]

I couldn’t agree more. I think this is why so many can’t commit to exercise or put it all back on when they’ve lost it. Once they novelty of looking good wears off, they revert back to old habits because they never adjusted their motivation from looking good to feeling good.

[quote]Sliver wrote:
My advice to the op, lead by example. Just keep doing what you’re doing and hopefully he’ll come around. If he doesn’t it then it sucks, but that’s who he is and you can’t change him.
[/quote]

I was going to say something just like this. Personally, there is no way in hell I’d start, stick to and maintain exercise because someone else told me I ought to. I’d tell them to go to hell. I’m difficult and irrational that way but I think most people are when their feelings get hurt.

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
The OP was chastised and called a nag and told she was in no position to say anything, and yet in other threads where big guys are complaining about their wives not losing weight, the “Kate Harding” thread for example, the wives were flayed and the OP was deemed a good guy in a tragic circumstance. Lots of “leave the fat bitch” and all that. None of that here though.

you’ve had to have read those threads, maybe you just don’t see the hypocrisy

[/quote]

I’ve seen that too. Not just here though.

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[quote]debraD wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:
The OP was chastised and called a nag and told she was in no position to say anything, and yet in other threads where big guys are complaining about their wives not losing weight, the “Kate Harding” thread for example, the wives were flayed and the OP was deemed a good guy in a tragic circumstance. Lots of “leave the fat bitch” and all that. None of that here though.

you’ve had to have read those threads, maybe you just don’t see the hypocrisy[/quote]

I’ve seen that too. Not just here though.

Except in those threads it’s one already in shape person, and one fatty. TOTALLY DIFFERENT SITUATION. YOu can’t seriously expect average joe couch potatoe to want to get up and move heavy shit a few times a week as a hobby, while simultaniously slapping the popsicle out of his hands do you?

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[quote]zephead4747 wrote:
debraD wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:
The OP was chastised and called a nag and told she was in no position to say anything, and yet in other threads where big guys are complaining about their wives not losing weight, the “Kate Harding” thread for example, the wives were flayed and the OP was deemed a good guy in a tragic circumstance. Lots of “leave the fat bitch” and all that. None of that here though.

you’ve had to have read those threads, maybe you just don’t see the hypocrisy

I’ve seen that too. Not just here though.

Except in those threads it’s one already in shape person, and one fatty. TOTALLY DIFFERENT SITUATION. YOu can’t seriously expect average joe couch potatoe to want to get up and move heavy shit a few times a week as a hobby, while simultaniously slapping the popsicle out of his hands do you?

[/quote]

actually Zep, he had just begun working out again so that is why he wanted his wife to start also. AND, he married her as an overweight woman.

In this case both were in good shape.

in the other thread, both were out of shape.

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I think the first step for both involved would be to join weight watchers. Then from that point dove tail into resistance training. If we put them both on the couch we could probaly discover the reasons for the compulsive behaviour,but they both just need to loose weight. I would assume she is the boss in the kitchen- take charge now.If they both approach their dilemma as a health issue rather than ascetics -this would probably get them started.

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Two observations…

  1. There is a subsection of military veterans that get out with what I like to call “Anti-PT disorder.” Now these folks come from all walks of the military to even include ex special operations cats. They actually “rebel” against the enforced PT standards and in most cases getting up early as well (Those two always seem to be intertwined). I have yet been able to devise a way in which these people can be identified prior to their ETS date. So to the comment on due diligence, I just dont know how much due diligence at the time would really be a factor. I just think it would be possible to be “fooled” quite easily.

  2. A woman has the kids, which equals weight gains, but both parents have an inordinate amount of time suddenly consumed. If that excuse will be used, then I think it is just as practical to say that a man that becomes a father can use it as well under the guise that is difficult to find the time to get the gym, eat right, get enough sleep, etc. Plus, he now must make up for the lost wages of the previously working mother, blah, blah, blah, blah. Both are still excuses and the arguments don’t give either one a more justifiable position in my opinion.

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I am in agreement with Professor X here. The recommended weight gain for a woman for the 9 months of pregnancy is 15 to 35 lbs, depending on their weight before becoming pregnant. Those who are underweight need to gain more and those who are overweight need to gain less. I know women who have stated their current weight is secondary to being pregnant in the past. They’re telling me that they could not have lost any excess weight in the 6 to 12 months after giving birth?!

Some people also think that being pregnant means that one should anything and everything. The recommended caloric increase is 300 kcal during pregnancy! That is ONE peanut butter sandwich on top of a maintenance amount of calories!

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OP…(and you other broads)…how is it possible you can’t get your husband to do ANYTHING you want him to do? You have sex to trade…try this…if he loses 10 lbs you’ll give him a blowjob 3 days in a row…when he loses another 10 lbs let him put it in your pooper (or if this is regularly on the menu, let him do something that is normally taboo)…if he drops a hundred pounds find some woman and suck his dick while she helps…is this so difficult? She Say kept me sober for 8 years using these tactics…

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To the OP, you wanted a man’s perspective. Well I think Professor X and other’s have done a good job of that. Sad to say but my journey into bodybuilding started as a skinny-fat fresh out of highschool kid who wanted to get some hot college ass.

Obviously much has changed since those days and I have many other motivators, but having a beautiful girl friend who works out regularly, lifting actual weights is definitely a constant motivator. Bottom line: lose the weight, hubby will be much more likely to follow suit and if he doesn’t then not much is oing to make him change.

Oh, and about the military thing, off topic but…The military’s idea about PT is completely outdated and about as stupid as Bauer’s posts about PSU football training is. I only do army PT when required to do so, otherwise I do my own routines. These are based upon bodybuilding and yet surprisingly I remain functional.

I ran the second fastest time in my company last PT test, did the most pushups, and ranked high in the situps. So being in the military and only doing their PT might maintain where you were at when you entered, but not much more. Just my two cents.

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*Oh and a side note about the military thing. The only cardio I do is 25-35min. of semi-fasted steady state cardio every morning. I say semi-fast because I used to have a protein shake but having read trib’s post on the idea of fats and morning cardio I now down a couple handfuls of walnuts or almonds and consume a protein shake after.

My point is that I never run and yet by being in good shape I was able to perform well. The military is still training like we’re fighting without vehicles in jungles, though the times says that’s changing. /end hijack/rant

57

[quote]kbragg wrote:
I know I sound extremely shallow, and I love my husband more than anything regardless of what he looks like but I know that belly fat is not only un sexy, its dangerous. I tell him this but he just says he’s fine and is ok where he is. He doesn’t want to change. I know he has to want it for himself because he doesn’t want to do it to make me happy (I miss his six pack) but how can I motivate him without coming accross as superficial?
[/quote]

I don’t think it’s shallow at all to want to be attracted to your spouse - if either of you loses that there will be trouble. But for sure it is a super-touchy subject. From my own experience, I can say that any approach based on criticism, however gentle, without some major POSITIVE motivating factor (not as extreme as Sen Say’s suggestions, perhaps, but along those lines!), will probably not work. People are stubborn when their feelings are hurt.

My wife and I were in fairly good shape when we met, in my case because I was trying to get in shape to meet women, and in her case due to good genetics and youth. Fourteen years later, she still looked great, but I had gained maybe 20 lbs of fat and lost some muscle.

She would nag me very gently about this, emphasizing vague health risks (not a strong enough motivator) and insisting she didn’t care at all how I looked (By the way, that sounds nice, but it’s actually not so great on a couple of levels - I want you to care and LIKE how I look, and if you don’t care obviously looking better will not mean more/better sex).

No suggestion of a reward for success. Result? Not much. A brief success with an Atkins-like diet, nothing special from the wife in return, then relapse.

Three years later, we’d had a couple of kids, and life had gone completely to hell (including some rapid weight-gain by me) from the wife’s post-partum depression. I was shocked by the disaster into taking action to salvage my life, and am now in the best shape of my life (not counting aging joints).

My wife, making no particular effort, still looks great. For some weird reason, she actively opposed me getting in shape this time, but now the motivation is internal, so I managed anyway.

Well, I guess that’s not too helpful to you, as I don’t recommend you go crazy to motivate your husband. I’d recommend a combination of what other posters have said - continue losing your extra weight, see if you can arrange a doctor visit that scares him, avoid nagging even if well-deserved, don’t say he is un-sexy now, but promise wild things if he improves, and then DO some of those things at the first sign of progress.

Good luck! And by the way, you lost those 37 pounds pretty fast, congrats on that!

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[quote]MarkT wrote:

My wife, making no particular effort, still looks great. For some weird reason, she actively opposed me getting in shape this time, but now the motivation is internal, so I managed anyway.
[/quote]

That could be a whole new topic; “spouses who want you to get fat so they feel better and no one else will want you as badly”.

I have a feeling this goes on way more than people talk about it.

“Gee, honey…chocolate cake again…with sprinkles…for the 4th time this week…and it’s only Wednesday. If I didn’t know better…”

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[quote]Professor X wrote:
MarkT wrote:

My wife, making no particular effort, still looks great. For some weird reason, she actively opposed me getting in shape this time, but now the motivation is internal, so I managed anyway.

That could be a whole new topic; “spouses who want you to get fat so they feel better and no one else will want you as badly”.

I have a feeling this goes on way more than people talk about it.

“Gee, honey…chocolate cake again…with sprinkles…for the 4th time this week…and it’s only Wednesday. If I didn’t know better…”[/quote]

I had a boyfriend that did that… I think you are right.

Everything we did involved food. He wasn’t a slim fella, but guys hold weight well.

He actually deep friend Oroes one night… that’s bad

and I probably in their minds it is easier to get their partner fat than to get in shape.

you have a good thread there Professor

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How insecure do you need to be to want your partner to gain weight? I say extremely insecure. I just can’t understand this thinking. People who do this diet sabotage to their partners to have them gain weight so they are not as “attractive” to the opposite sex have very little self esteem.

Hell, when guys look/approach a girl I’m dating I consider it a compliment. I’m not going to date someone who doesn’t look good and keeps themselves in shape.