My Comedy

Off Topic
1

Here’s some of the material I’ve been working on. It’s quite unpolished and needs work. Cupcake has graciously offered to assist me in the writing process. I sent him this material yesterday and he’s promised to get back to me with some proposed changes. I can’t wait. Thanks again, Cake.

But, anyway, take a look. Maybe you’ll like it, maybe you won’t. They seem like obvious observations to me, but I’m a newbie and I need to start somewhere. My comic mind will hopefully develop further. Just keep in mind that this is meant to play to a stand-up audience. In other words, it’s going to be conveyed differently by me because I’ll be using the spoken word. This, right here, is simply my thoughts and an outline of what I’d say. Enjoy (I hope).

I: DMV hiring process

It seems to me that this is the only place where being an asshole practically guarantees you a job.

When a supervisor gets on the phone to check on an applicant’s references, I think the conversation goes something like this:

“Tell me about Jane.”

“Well, she was crass, rude, and generally unagreeable.”

“Terrific! We’re always looking for team players.”

The interview process is much the same.

“What’s your feeling on customer service”?

“I’m committed to serving the public in an efficient and polite manner.”

“I’m sorry. This isn’t going to work out.”

II. The elderly’s impatience in lines

I don?t get it. Are they afraid they’re going to die? Of course, they don?t realize that the reason why the goddamn line is so long is because another old person couldn’t find her fucking coupons.

These bastards should be getting down on their arthritic knees and thanking us for our tolerance. If this was truly a give and take process, we’d be giving them compound fractures of their hips because they take so fucking long to cross the street.

III. Purse snatchers and the elderly

And, you know, I’ve never understood why purse snatchers target the elderly. These guys are pretty fucking stupid, if you ask me. They’re not going to find any money. Old women don’t have money, morons. They’ve got tissues, gas medicine, and cough drops wrapped in plastic bags. Why are you robbing them?

2

CMC, I like the work.

Perhaps you’ll consider taking me on as your straight man. You know, like Dean and Jerry or Abbott and Costello.

The french love Jerry. It’s a natural fit. I’ll be the swaggering guy with the cigarette and brandy, tripping around the stage, play some piano, tell a few stories and you do your thing. We’ll spice your part of the act up a bit with some naked dancers or something. Cupcake can manage us. We’ll be the new rat pack, but without the mob connections and the movie deals (for now).

How’s this material?:

You know those pretzels they give you on the plane? Yeah, the little packages with like three f’ng inch-long pretzels in them, or what look like pretzels in a plastic pouch that you need a bloody atomic bomb to get open? Who’s idea was this? I think the meeting at head office went something like this:

“We’ll give them three pretzels. That’s it. Three. They’ll spend an hour trying to open the package. Sweating, tussling, thrashing about, trying desperately to grip the corners of the package long enough to pull it open. They’ll be like wild dogs trying to get at the marrow in a deer carcass. By the time they get it open, the plane’ll be on the ground. Think about the money we’ll save on meals… For variety we’ll also serve peanuts.”

3

With Cupcake’s guidance, we’ll soon have a loyal following of groupies and, even better, all the free slush our goofy asses desire. This is a can’t miss proposition.

4

Haha. Its great.

Only, if I were you, I’d scope out the club you’re gonna have your first gig at to see how crass the other comics are. Simply because you gotta lotta cursing in your material there (which isn’t bad) but if you’re in the wrong club and you’re using “fuckin’” as a verb for every other noun that you say then the people are gonna be like “well, hes too crass, I don’t like it.” Just make sure your crowd is receptive of lots of language.

5 
LOL. Imagine having Dave Tate on stage as a comedian... You just cant take some people as a joke when they look like they could break your neck...

...then again how can you say no to laughing? *forced laugh* yeah thats hilarious, thats my boy, my main man! (pheeew that was CLOSE, coulda lost an arm with that one)
6

CMC I like the hip bit with the old lady. As we all know nothing is funnier than kicking an old womans ass. They usually go down like a load bricks after you kick them hard in the spine! CGB I like the pretzel bit. Good stuff. Of course I’m betting most of this stuff is funnier live. Ciao. :slight_smile:

7

Arcane, none of my stuff is funny to begin with. Doing it live would just confirm what my 6th grade teacher told me “Craig, you’re an idiot.”

I’ll leave the comedy to CMC and stick to laughing at people who slip on bananna peels and the guy who leaves his fly down. All tried and true comedy gold.

8

Actually I ment CMC doing it live. But I still found the pretzel stuff funny. Is that okay? Motherfucker!!! :wink:

9

Add in the fact that airports won’t let you tweezers let alone pocket knives on the plane now a days so there is nothing to assist you. Maybe a comedy bit about not being a terrorist, just wanting to open the goddamn preztels. Could be funny if you pull it off right.