I think I would farm this out to somebody else, if you have the means. This is way too personal on both sides, both how bad she wants to lose weight and the elephant in the room (not to mention the proximity bias with you being the coach), to be a good starting point for your lives together.
Not to be Dr. Phil, but I’m throwing that out there.
I notice nobody has asked about their sex life yet, so I brought it up.
Reminds me of a story I read here about some coach and his client that was telling he was not losing weight for his comp prep despite “sticking” to the plan, and that he went and searched through his thrash (they lived nearby) and found many snickers bars and such garbage, and the client said “they are my wife’s” except that the coach knew the wife, that she’s vegan and doesn’t eat this etc
Yeah people lie. I sure have as well.
allberg, she does lose weight on 500-700 calories a day but I can’t ask her to eat that consistently
and then when she has a more normal day on a saturday of 1800 calories, she gains weight back…she should be losing on 1800 calories also
Another vote for incorrectly tracked food here. Also, are you looking at the macro breakdown of her food at all? Could be some hints there. If she’s working out hard and not getting enough protein it could definitely mess with things. I’m not saying it would be the cause of everything, but could be a contributing factor.
This is good advice is happiness is a goal. I think this type of coaching can make you fiancee avoid you. She is probably sneaking food or severely underestimating portions (most likely explanations). Don’t make her lie to you because of the pressure you have on her. She will start to resent you for it.
My wife luckily can eat like a grown man and not gain weight (probably eats 80% of what I do, but I am a muscular 210 lbs). I had a time when I tried to coach her with lifting. Not worth the arguments it caused. I just let her do what she likes which turns out to be pretty good anyways.
I will give her programming advice if she asks. Maybe don’t have conversations about this unless she initiates it. Also, if she initiates it, don’t jump to finding solutions (that is a mistake). She knows the solution, let her vent to you about the problem.
You seem to just be repeating yourself.
Exactly right. My wife and I both like working out - like it’s a part of our lives. We both hate working out together - it’s just not a fit.
Anyway, OP, something else to keep in mind: she is clinically obese; it’s very likely your payer will fund the cost of a registered dietitian to work with her.* Bariatric surgery clinics can typically point you toward holistic programs as well (it’s part of the burden of becoming a candidate for surgery, so they’re very experienced at this). She is likely not a legitimate candidate for bariatric surgery, but those physicians typically provide the services she needs for her health.
*I’m making the assumption you’re commercially insured due to the “tummy tuck” statements. Many, many payers are currently providing any consults that can be conducted via teleconference free of co-pay charges; I’d consider this worth looking into very quickly.
So she has 1 day of normal eating on a sat and gains everything back?
Its impossible for that to be fat she is gaining back. Glycogen, water, food in the stomach yes but not weight from fat.
She needs a consistent and honest deficit of cals over a long period of time, like months and months. Not oh I lost 2lbs this week but regained it after 1 meal. Not a stupid 500 cals, then cheat meals, that’s fucking stupid.
You seem to be skirting the issues.
I’ll ask again: has she had a consultation with an endocrinologist in person
What is “very intense training” -is she squatting 225+ for sets of 20 deep reps??
If you’re eating 500 calls a day then having a cheat meal of course your body is gonna suck up every ounce of it cus you’re essentially starving the rest of the time. Damn.
I’d bet anything she has cookies and crap stashed in closets, the hamper, bathroom linen closets, etc.
Unless you’ve been around it, or done it yourself, you’d never believe the lengths people go to hide an eating disorder, drugs, etc.
I don’t think anyone addressed this yet, but you said a 500 calorie day is “one chipotle bowl”. If you’re referring to Chipotle the restaurant, I did a quick google search and found this.
“Burrito bowl with chicken, fajita veggies, lettuce, tomato salsa, corn salsa, and guacamole. The total calorie count for this meal is 465-and I often can’t finish the entire dish because it’s so filling! I skip the beans, rice, sour cream, and cheese, which would add a whopping 510 calories for a grand total of 975!”
Are you computing the calories of exactly what’s in the bowl? Even so, it can be hard to judge restaurant food’s caloric content. You never know if the guy who made the steak that day dumped a shit load of extra oil on it, etc. Chipotle has also been called out before for providing misleading information about calories. Anyway, like others have said, perhaps your wife’s, or even your own, calorie-counting is off, which I could be 100% wrong about, but if not, perhaps she is under-reporting her intake.
My other thought on the subject, and this is only one person’s opinion that you are free to disregard:
I work in the climbing industry. In addition to more administrative duties, I coach climbing. I work with climbers on movement technique, physical training, injury prevention, and mental training (super important and under-rated in our sport). I’ve done it long enough that it’s easy for me to watch someone climb, train, etc. and see what they’re missing and how they can improve.
My girlfriend is also an avid climber. We both love it, and it’s amazing to be able to share our biggest passion together. I’m a couple steps ahead of her in terms of climbing ability, and I can spot things she could do that would help her improve, which she is definitely interested in doing. Most recently, she’s been having problems with her mental game. If you’re scared to fall (or scared to fail) while climbing you don’t climb well. She’s frequently backing off climbs she’s more than capable of completing, and has been avoiding leading hard routes (leading=big fall potential).
It’s taken a lot of trial and error, but I’ve found that I’m most successful in helping her when I can just be a pillar of support and stay out of the nitty-gritty a bit more. Sometimes she wants specific help and will come to me, and sometimes I’m able to pepper in some tips here and there, but every time I turn into a coach, which is really easy for me to do, I’m not as successful. Your mileage may vary, but I’ve seen this trend hold true for a lot of couples who climb.
It seems like you and your fiancee are focused on living a healthy lifestyle, which is awesome, and is something you can enjoy sharing. It’s possible that she’d do well with a bit more of finding her own way. If you’re super-involved, maybe she feels guilty about admitting to you what she’s actually eating, and is under-reporting. Sometimes it’s hard to feel vulnerable and/or admit weakness to a partner. As someone else said, maybe it’s time to outsource it to someone else.
Your mileage may vary.
Agree with this completely. Both in lifting and climbing. I just let her do her own thing in both.
It has happened before that another lady will give her the advice I have mentioned a dozen times, and she is like that makes so much sense, SMH. I have learned only give advice to her on these things if it is asked for.
This is what concerns me… there is more here to the story… You might want to consider generating some space between you two on this, or that space will occur on it’s own accord and it’ll be a lot worse that way.
There can be plenty of theories (and have been on this thread) about why your fiancee is not losing weight, or is gaining weight, etc… A woman (or man) who is not satisfied with their weight and weight loss is about as rare as a one dollar bill.
My reading on this is: you are obviously very concerned about her weight. She is 21, and if this is an issue now and you’re getting married, I can guarantee one thing: you won’t have a svelte 31 year old wife 10 years from now. If this is something that you can’t handle and will always be obsessed with, you should rethink the relationship. She deserves someone who will not be “going fukking crazy” about every crumb she eats for the rest of her life.
IMO, the advice to put this into someone else’s hands is pretty solid. A coach can and should have these conversations with their client. A husband needs to tread carefully.
antiquity, she is equally crazy about her lack of progress…this is not just my thing
She cares very much about her looks
I think you might be the one improperly tracking. Just curious, what kinda expertise do you have for weight loss?
I think when you get down to the 500 calorie mark, no shit anyone will lose weight at that mark. But I think your 500 calorie estimate is probably 1500ish, and your cheat days are 4000-5000
Let’s take this at face value then.
What, exactly, did she eat yesterday?