Perhaps I should have been clearer with my mention of your post. Your first point was regarding Christian beliefs. This was what I consider a nonsubjective point. There is no way you can look at the black-and-white Christian stance on premarital sex as anything but a black-and-white topic. If you are married - you have it with your spouse only, if you are not married, you have no sexual contact period. I see no subjectivity to that. However, your personal interpretation of having a “…basic respect for people…[being] Honest in a world where dishonesty is the norm…[and the definitions of]Duty, Honor, Country, and Integrity” are very subjective. You and I may disagree, and each have valid points, on these topics. That is why I dismissed them as being subjective. Yes, many of my points may be seen as subjective as well. You may dismiss them if you wish. It matters not to me. The subjectivity I was attempting to avoid was the irrational, knee-jerk reaction of “This is what you should do because my pastor/mommy/therapist says so” type of thing.
Regarding your question of what to tell the other two women, I think you need to ask yourself what is pertinent to them (Point 4). Is it pertinent that they know your dog Skippy died of mange? No, it has nothing to do with the current state of your relationship with them. Is it pertinent that they know they were not the “chosen” woman of the trio? No, for the same reason. The current state of your relationship with them is that you are not as interested in them as you once were. Whether the reason behind that is because you met someone else more appealing, or because they did something to turn your stomach, or because you decided to become a monk - it matters in no material way to the future of your seeing them romantically. The fact is that you are not going to see them romantically. Period. Anything else is superfluous. While I disagree with Michelle’s opinion that any there is no way around hurting these girls, why volunteer unnecessary information that will only cause confusion and may potentially hurt feelings? Seems pointless.
I’m hearing alot of comments that dating 3 women at one time is wrong. that he’s just using them for a hole. What if he wasnt having sex with them. What if he took one to dinner on friday, one to lunch on saturday and out to a movie with the third on sunday. Is that morally wrong? In my opinion no. If these women have made no mention of commitment then they know what they are doing. They are enjoying an activity with a friend. Whats the difference between this and playing basketball or lifting weights? The fact that you can get pregnant or catch a disease? That makes it more serious of a decision but its still just a fun activity between two people. the value of it is what you give it.
I say enjoy it. Talk to all three of them. Ask them what they think of the relationship. Tell them you like where its at right now. Make up a fake situation that you met an old friend who asked you out for lunch. You felt weird going out on a date with someone else and wanted to know how she felt about it. Ask her if she goes out on dates with other guys. Try to get a feel for the situation. My move would be to try to get them to agree to just being f-buddies. Most open minded ladies will go for it.
Now be forwarned that you run the risk of losing them if you bring this up. But i say its worth it. In the long run you sound like you can find other women without much problem.
I’m not so sure that there will be hurt feelings or not. For one woman there might be, the other maybe not. Sometimes I agree with Karma, the way she writes but there are other times that I feel more like Michelle. I guess that is what makes us unique.
I would rather not have you tell me that you found someone else. Whenever I have heard the “its not you, its me” or “its just not working out” speech it might have hurt a little but it was easier to get over. I kinda like how a doctors oath is “First do no harm”. Honesty is a wonderful thing but sometimes you can do more damage than necessary.
Good luck with your new honey.
I agree with most of Karma’s points except I feel she was a little extreme about the freaks and boiling bunnies. I would not sleep with someone after 3 dates. So because I take more time, alot more, for me conversations would have taken place as to whether or not a relationship was in the making and so the sex implied exclusivity, at least on my part. That’s me, not all women feel this way, that is true. I don’t feel that I am a freak or a nut nor do I think a guy is cheating if he looks at another woman. Men do not run from me and ones I get involved with seem to understand where I am coming from. Most seem to appreciate my rationale. To each his own I guess.
Dude, unless there’s a very good chance that you’ll run into one of the other two with the “chosen one” at some point, I would tell the others that you’ve realized that you’re still reeling from a broken engagement and you really need some time to sort things out. The way I see it, you’re not really lying to either… as long as you tell the “chosen one” that it’s too early for you to commit to her as well, but it’s fine for you two to date. Any woman who has been in a serious relationship should be able to understand that. Hell, they’ll probably even have compassion for you.
But I think you really do need to make sure you give yourself enough time to get over any past “issues” that you might have. If it had been a casual dating relationship that ended in September, I’d say go ahead and commit to this girl now. But yours is a different story and, unless you weren’t serious about the engagement, you will need some time to sort things out.
Tyler
Again, to clarify my ramblings… 
I don’t think that anyone who delays having sex is a freak or is apt to boil bunnies. I was referring more to people that think, without conversations on the matter, that someone owes them loyalty simply becuase they spread their legs. Or that a person can appropriately demand another to be clairvoyant to their needs. I don’t get from your posts that this is the type of person you are at all, so the bunny boiling doesn’t apply at all. And yes, I do tend to be a bit extreme. And yes, that is what makes us all unique! You and Michelle both have valid (and probably more mainstream) points of view on the matter so it’s a good thing all three of us have contributed.
If its a close personal debate on whether something is right or wrong, its probably wrong.
Right or wrong aside, you have just navigated your way into stormy waters. Smooth sailing - so far - but close the hatches because there are so many things that can go wrong here. You are looking for moral guidance so you know how you are “supposed” to feel when you dump the other 2 for the 1 you like? That way you can better gauge the proper strategy of how to talk and handle them? I do, however, believe that 90% of women will feel an exclusivity is implied when you sleep with them.
Bump! What and how are you going to handle New Years Eve?
“do you have any practical advice on how to have “the talk” with the other two without hurting their feelings?”
Yes. Tell each one that YOU screwed up. You won’t hurt their feelings if you tell the truth. As someone mentioned, there is a good possibility that one of the two you don’t “choose” will see you with the one you did “choose.” You can either lie to these two and BS about not having a spiritual connection or crap like that, or you can grab your nutsack and realize that you are the one that sailed into this storm and now its up to you to sail out.
I am Christian, and my morals are such, but I won’t get into that here. I was just going to say, if you are afraid to mention that there are others to the women, then you know in your heart of hearts that they wouldnt like there being others… am I right? If you don’t think they care, then tell them! If, as you say, they don’t care, telling them at worst makes you look silly. Tell them, then you will know for sure.
Ladies –
Thanks again for your advice. I definitely think it’s wise to minimize the information volunteered when I talk to the other two, a la Karma’s advice. I think that if the goal is to minimize hurt feelings, I should just make it about what is between us (respectively) and not introduce the fact that there is just someone whom I like better.
To those posters who worry that I might run into the others, I don’t find that problematic for a couple of reasons. First, this is a big city, and the social circles of the three don’t really overlap. Second, I don’t plan to say any BS such as “I’m not ready to date anyone at all right now” so if they were just to see me out with someone else there shouldn’t be any problems.
Once again, thanks to everyone who weighed in to help me out with my situation. It always helps to get info from people with other perspectives, even if it is just to make me think more clearly about my own position.
As to New Year’s, I’m going to a private party at a bar downtown, and I invited the woman on whom I plan to focus my attentions. It should be a fairly small gathering as these things go (probably between 100-150 people at $100 a head), and not too much of a chance of any overlap with either of the other two women.
Hope everyone has a great New Year.
Hey anonymous, ask yourself this question. How would YOU feel if you found out that the 1 girl that you liked is sleeping with 2 other guys?
blondblue to ~karma~ I always enjoy reading anything that you respond to. I don’t think you are extreme at all. Some of my friends think I tend to be on the extreme side of things usually! LOL Its great to see different sides to everyone’s questions and answers. Isn’t it great knowing not everyone is the same, makes life a lot more interesting. Good luck to you in your workouts and your relationships.
Hope 2003 is a good year for everyone in the t-nation.
What’s wrong with boiling bunnies? If they are too tough to fry then stewing is about the only good way left to cook a rabbit.
That’s really a bummer about Skippy and the mange, it’s a hell of a way to go. Happy New Year everyone.