Life Lesson to Share w/ Married Men

[Professor_X]

[quote]pushharder wrote:
OK, I’ve had it with this “don’t put pussy on a pedestal” mantra that has floated around here for years. Most, if not all of the time it comes from single divorced men who don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about and have no credibility when it comes to dispensing advice on what it takes to make a marriage last.

If “PPOP” means deferring to her every wish and desire, allowing her to disrespect you with impunity, always intentionally losing arguments in order to keep peace, etc., etc., then no, don’t do it.

If “PPOP” means living by the Golden Rule and honoring her as the most special woman in the world to you then you are well advised TO DO IT.

I guess the semantics and meaning of the phrase should be analyzed and understood before it is so cheaply and commonly tossed around.

BTW, I agree with Emily’s post above.[/quote]

Since you are an expert, why not take over the course and teach?

I think the worst mistake a man can make is to allow his girl to walk over him. It may be small things at first, but I think if you can’t maintain all of the flare long term (like flowers and candy every single week) then don’t start it aside from rare occasions.

I also think way too many people today get married too quickly. If you have only known someone for MONTHS, you do NOT know that person. You may THINK you know that person, but you do NOT know them when it comes to breaking through all of the masks people hold up.

[Neuromancer]

I agree with what both Push and X have said.

What has also been my experience,is that most guys,at the beginning of a relationship go all out like gangbusters to impress.They set up an unrealistic expectation that they cannot maintain down the road.It’s almost like misrepresenting yourself,then failing to deliver because that isn’t how you operate normally.

Then when the wick is turned down,and she no longer delivers what she used to in the relationship,because she is feeling neglected,disappointed and confused,we do the same and the downward spiral continues.

This seems to happen especially when the threshold of marriage gets crossed.Then it’s almost like the boys feel like “Job done,time to focus elsewhere”.

The race is long.A marathon,not a sprint.You don’t have to appear to be more at the beginning than what you really are.What you are is good enough,if the person you’re with is in synch with you.Keep a little something in reserve.Keep on delivering what you promised.

And separate bathrooms have never hurt,either.

[PRCalDude]

[quote]Professor X wrote:

I think the worst mistake a man can make is to allow his girl to walk over him.
[/quote]
Something tells me you’re not going to have this problem.

It may be small things at first, but I think if you can’t maintain all of the flare long term (like flowers and candy every single week) then don’t start it aside from rare occasions.

Agreed. Set expectations at the appropriate level in the first place.

[quote]
I also think way too many people today get married too quickly. If you have only known someone for MONTHS, you do NOT know that person. You may THINK you know that person, but you do NOT know them when it comes to breaking through all of the masks people hold up.[/quote]

I think a lot of people today are great at deluding themselves. There are always plenty of warning signs that one is with “the wrong person,” such as spending habits, friends, joblessness etc. Men (and women) just choose to ignore them and proceed to marriage despite the warning signs.

[EmilyQ]

I think the worst mistake a man can make is to allow his girl to walk over him. It may be small things at first, but I think if you can’t maintain all of the flare long term (like flowers and candy every single week) then don’t start it aside from rare occasions.

I agree. No one can successfully maintain that, and it’s pointless anyway because she will eventually grow bored and stop reacting with gratitude, which will leave him resenting her. By the same token, a man whose girl waits on him hand and foot will eventually find himself attracted to busy girls with self-respect.

Ideally, both partners do that sort of thing occasionally. To me it’s about respect. Respect for me is about flowers and a nice bottle of wine on occasion, but it’s also mocking me when I’ve been a dumbass, which I know he wouldn’t do it if he didn’t find me generally intelligent and capable. Respect is challenging me to races and trying to win and it’s being genuinely glad on those rare occasions when it’s me who wins.

I wouldn’t want a guy who did any one of those things exclusively. Just flowers or just mockery or just competition. I want someone who does them all in turn. You can’t just keep running the same tired play.

This makes a whole lot of sense and is very difficult to argue against, however, I’m in a difficult position to argue for it. I proposed to my wife and she accepted after knowing her all of five weeks. I married her four and a half months later. That was 25 years ago and I love and desire her more than ever in spite of many rocky bumps in the road along the way.

Yeah, I would advise against hasty marriage (and have advised against it). But I married Mr. Q after knowing him for only six months. I was absolutely, positively head over heels in love with him. We’ve been married for years and have definitely had rough patches, but I still regularly fall right back into infatuation with him, as those of you who’ve read my gushing posts know.

[power_bulker]

The “treat her like a queen” idea has been distorted over time. Some people take it literally in the sense that impressive gifts such as jewelery and exotic trips mean you are treating her like a queen. But most people in relationships underestimate the power of simple gestures that carry a lot of meaning.

If the person truly loves you, these simple gestures will actually get more of a reaction than something such as diamond earrings. It is the INTENT of the gesture that matters.

Some examples: making a nice lunch and bringing it to them at work, making them a necklace of seashells you found on the beach (ok, this is kind of gay, but dont underestimate it), investing some time in what they are interested in.

You can tell if you’re with the wrong person when they (or you) are unable to enjoy the simple things in life.

[streamline]

Lust or Love = short term or long term.

[EmilyQ]

[quote]streamline wrote:
Lust or Love = short term or long term.[/quote]

Are you saying lust is a short term response and love the long term? If so, I disagree.

Editing to add that I think both lust and love ebb and flow and often people shut down too quickly, assuming low points are permanent.

[SkyzykS]

Me too. I think lust and love are both elements of a relationship that need to be maintained.

Love without lust is nice, but missing something.

Lust without love is an empty thrill.

I’ve done both separately and neither one without the other is nearly as fulfilling as both. They’re kind of synergistic.

[tribunaldude]

Its too late to save you now. Use the dagger. NOW.

We’ll always remember your thought-provoking anecdotes and witty rejoinders (sniff)

[quote]imhungry wrote:
tribunaldude wrote:
I agree with this actually. once you’ve taken the plunge, stop reading Cosmo (or even atomic Dog and SAMA for serious advice). its no longer something you can wing around with…if there’s a problem, you got to SIT DOWN and fucking work around it.

At the same time, don;t be in a hurry to get married till you know exactly how neurotic, excitable, stable and committed the person is.

believedat wrote:
Once you are married its not a game anymore, that pussy on a pedestal doesnt apply to shit

Holy shit, I almost agree with you![/quote]

[imhungry]

[quote]tribunaldude wrote:
Its too late to save you now. Use the dagger. NOW.

We’ll always remember your thought-provoking anecdotes and witty rejoinders (sniff)

imhungry wrote:
tribunaldude wrote:
I agree with this actually. once you’ve taken the plunge, stop reading Cosmo (or even atomic Dog and SAMA for serious advice). its no longer something you can wing around with…if there’s a problem, you got to SIT DOWN and fucking work around it.

At the same time, don;t be in a hurry to get married till you know exactly how neurotic, excitable, stable and committed the person is.

believedat wrote:
Once you are married its not a game anymore, that pussy on a pedestal doesnt apply to shit

Holy shit, I almost agree with you!

[/quote]

NEVER!! I will not let you control me!!

[LIFTICVSMAXIMVS]

[quote]ActionJackson wrote:
No matter what the situation, treat her like the queen she deserves to be treated like. Love her daily, tell her what she means to you, buy her flowers, let her know the difference she makes in your life.[/quote]

Never set yourself up emotionally with expectations like these. If you start off a relationship like this it sets you up to be walked all over.

That said, the three fundamentals of every sexual relationship from a male perspective are:

1. Affection – honestly show a woman how you feel about her and listen to her wants, wishes, desires, etc., but don’t enable the qualities you dislike in her.
2. Activity – do stuff that you both enjoy together that are not necessarily sexually related.
3. Dominance/submissiveness – you’re a man, act like it, and never apologize for it or else it will be thrown back in your face when it suites her emotionally. Play the submissive role only concerning matters that you don’t really care about – for example, when she tells you she is redecorating the bathroom. It makes them happy when they have some control.

The best way to handle a woman is to ignore her when she gets irritating, for example, and do not feed the negativity with more negativity. You need to treat a woman like your most loved “pet”. Give positive feedback when they do the things you like and discipline when they irritate you. By discipline, I do not mean physical or emotional abuse. Simply tell them without a heightened emotional state why you are upset and be as direct as possible. Women like to be told what to do without it seeming like they are being told what to do – i.e, always make it seem like it is their decision. I have never met one that doesn’t respond positively to directness and firmness.

Also, the behavior one displays in the courting ritual will carry over to the sexual relationship. It is best to always be upfront about who you are in the beginning – though, you must always balance the information you give her while courting her or else she will never let you get in her pants – and that is the ultimate goal.

WARNING – Sometimes a man must be prepared to go without sex but never let it become her weapon against you!

[tribunaldude]

Exactly.

[quote]Professor X wrote:
I also think way too many people today get married too quickly. If you have only known someone for MONTHS, you do NOT know that person. You may THINK you know that person, but you do NOT know them when it comes to breaking through all of the masks people hold up.[/quote]

[Shire]

[quote]tribunaldude wrote:
Exactly.

Professor X wrote:
I also think way too many people today get married too quickly. If you have only known someone for MONTHS, you do NOT know that person. You may THINK you know that person, but you do NOT know them when it comes to breaking through all of the masks people hold up.

[/quote]

Aw man my brother’s wife kept up a facade for near two years, once that mask fell she showed her true colours-she completely lacks integrity and he totally couldn’t depend on her when he was going through trying times at work(also i don’t think she’s good enough for him).

In contrast i learnt a v.important lesson quickly and early in life, you should date and live with the girl for at least a year and a half or two before marrying.

I would never buy my gf flowers or chocolates unless it was a special occasion/reason(every week? fuck that!), also i feel that if you want to make a woman feel special it shouldn’t necessarily cost a lot of money(no i’m not Ebenezer Scrooge-but i feel there is some underlying principle relating to the issue of spending a lot of money on your gf/wife).

I’m wary of marriage…but then i’m not going to marry for at least another 10 years lol.

[EmilyQ]

[quote]LIFTICVSMAXIMVS wrote:

That said, the three fundamentals of every sexual relationship from a male perspective are:

1. Affection – honestly show a woman how you feel about her and listen to her wants, wishes, desires, etc., but don’t enable the qualities you dislike in her.
2. Activity – do stuff that you both enjoy together that are not necessarily sexually related.
3. Dominance/submissiveness – you’re a man, act like it, and never apologize for it or else it will be thrown back in your face when it suites her emotionally. Play the submissive role only concerning matters that you don’t really care about – for example, when she tells you she is redecorating the bathroom. It makes them happy when they have some control.

The best way to handle a woman is to ignore her when she gets irritating, for example, and do not feed the negativity with more negativity. You need to treat a woman like your most loved “pet”. Give positive feedback when they do the things you like and discipline when they irritate you. By discipline, I do not mean physical or emotional abuse. Simply tell them without a heightened emotional state why you are upset and be as direct as possible. Women like to be told what to do without it seeming like they are being told what to do – i.e, always make it seem like it is their decision. I have never met one that doesn’t respond positively to directness and firmness.
[/quote]

You know, I wonder if this wouldn’t constitute good advice to either side if the gendered and dom/sub elements were removed. Because I can’t see reinforcing my husband in his irritating behaviors either, and the solution is to either remove myself or tell him in a direct manner that he’s upsetting me. I also “let” him control those things concerning which I have no interest. So I decide what the bathroom looks like (lol) and he gets to decide where and when to take the cars for service and how much wood we should stockpile for winter.

This part:

[quote]Also, the behavior one displays in the courting ritual will carry over to the sexual relationship. It is best to always be upfront about who you are in the beginning – though, you must always balance the information you give her while courting her or else she will never let you get in her pants – and that is the ultimate goal.

WARNING – Sometimes a man must be prepared to go without sex but never let it become her weapon against you![/quote]

Could be reworked thusly:

Also, the behavior one displays in the courting ritual will carry over to the sexual relationship. It is best to always be upfront about who you are in the beginning – though, you must always balance the information you give him while courting him or else he will never want to get in your pants – and that is the ultimate goal. For instance, do let him see that you will sometimes disagree with him, but don’t let on that you will one day start crying during arguments.

[LIFTICVSMAXIMVS]

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
LIFTICVSMAXIMVS wrote:

That said, the three fundamentals of every sexual relationship from a male perspective are:

1. Affection – honestly show a woman how you feel about her and listen to her wants, wishes, desires, etc., but don’t enable the qualities you dislike in her.
2. Activity – do stuff that you both enjoy together that are not necessarily sexually related.
3. Dominance/submissiveness – you’re a man, act like it, and never apologize for it or else it will be thrown back in your face when it suites her emotionally. Play the submissive role only concerning matters that you don’t really care about – for example, when she tells you she is redecorating the bathroom. It makes them happy when they have some control.

The best way to handle a woman is to ignore her when she gets irritating, for example, and do not feed the negativity with more negativity. You need to treat a woman like your most loved “pet”. Give positive feedback when they do the things you like and discipline when they irritate you. By discipline, I do not mean physical or emotional abuse. Simply tell them without a heightened emotional state why you are upset and be as direct as possible. Women like to be told what to do without it seeming like they are being told what to do – i.e, always make it seem like it is their decision. I have never met one that doesn’t respond positively to directness and firmness.

You know, I wonder if this wouldn’t constitute good advice to either side if the gendered and dom/sub elements were removed. Because I can’t see reinforcing my husband in his irritating behaviors either, and the solution is to either remove myself or tell him in a direct manner that he’s upsetting me. I also “let” him control those things concerning which I have no interest. So I decide what the bathroom looks like (lol) and he gets to decide where and when to take the cars for service and how much wood we should stockpile for winter.

This part:

Also, the behavior one displays in the courting ritual will carry over to the sexual relationship. It is best to always be upfront about who you are in the beginning – though, you must always balance the information you give her while courting her or else she will never let you get in her pants – and that is the ultimate goal.

WARNING – Sometimes a man must be prepared to go without sex but never let it become her weapon against you!

Could be reworked thusly:

Also, the behavior one displays in the courting ritual will carry over to the sexual relationship. It is best to always be upfront about who you are in the beginning – though, you must always balance the information you give him while courting him or else he will never want to get in your pants – and that is the ultimate goal. For instance, do let him see that you will sometimes disagree with him, but don’t let on that you will one day start crying during arguments.

[/quote]
Truth be told, I got these ideas while watching my favorite show, “The Dog Whisperer”. Not to say I think women are like dogs but rather that all animals exhibit certain characteristic behaviors concerning sex.

[EmilyQ]

[quote]LIFTICVSMAXIMVS wrote:

Truth be told, I got these ideas while watching my favorite show, “The Dog Whisperer”. Not to say I think women are like dogs but rather that all animals exhibit certain characteristic behaviors concerning sex.[/quote]

Oh. ~blink~

[streamline]

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
streamline wrote:
Lust or Love = short term or long term.

Are you saying lust is a short term response and love the long term? If so, I disagree.

Editing to add that I think both lust and love ebb and flow and often people shut down too quickly, assuming low points are permanent.[/quote]

Of course you think that. You’re a female. If a male has a choice of a hot female or a not hot female. Guess what he’s going to choice. If a guy tells you different, he wants in your pants. Guys fall in love with physical beauty.

[imhungry]

[quote]streamline wrote:
EmilyQ wrote:
streamline wrote:
Lust or Love = short term or long term.

Are you saying lust is a short term response and love the long term? If so, I disagree.

Editing to add that I think both lust and love ebb and flow and often people shut down too quickly, assuming low points are permanent.

Of course you think that. You’re a female. If a male has a choice of a hot female or a not hot female. Guess what he’s going to choice. If a guy tells you different, he wants in your pants. Guys fall in love with physical beauty.[/quote]

Please, there has to be attraction, duh, of course there does, but just saying that guys “fall in love with physical beauty” is pretty dumb. Lust, but not love.

Physical assets are the initial attraction, but personality, style, intelligence, etc. will keep you interested. Probably not forever, but longer than just looks alone.