Let's Process Our Feelings II

Off Topic
161

[quote]LoRez wrote:
Well, I’ve got a couple things going on in the past couple days.

  1. Some 18yo kid from this site managed to get under my skin the other day. I ended up committing to a yearlong training challenge to prove him wrong and prove myself right. Somehow that became personal. It’s been years since I’ve let something be that personal.

  2. Girlfriend has a temporary case of crazy. Bizarre behavior. I said something last night that triggered her, and she ratcheted things up from there. Once it hit the point of no salvation, I just hung up. Ending things before it got even worse was the better move, but I haven’t been able to reach her since. She’s been completely non-responsive today. Motivation enough to get back to reading that stop walking on eggshells book.

Probably the most interesting one,

  1. I was in a meeting today with this girl today. We flirted dangerously close to true affair territory a couple years back… not the smartest move (bad idea) since her husband also works at the same company (really bad idea) and since her husband is in executive management (really really bad idea). Since that point we’ve done a decent job at avoiding each other (or her avoiding me, whatever). Off and on we’ve worked on a few shared projects since then, but it’s just been tangential; through managerial proxies mainly. Very minimal contact, and none in person.

Well, today was the first time in person, and we actually had to interact together. The tension is still there, strong as ever.

But what I find most fascinating about it is that, motivationally, something about her motivates me to be great at my job. I already meet and exceed expectations normally, but this drives me to go way above and beyond. It’s actually really weird to observe how strong a motivating factor the sexual tension (physically and intellectually) can be. A part of me doesn’t quite believe it, to be honest.

Interestingly, it worked both ways, driving us both to excel. I’m secretly hoping things head back that direction as these new teams develop, and that we find a way to manage the proximity and intimacy without sabotaging things.[/quote]

Man, sounds like either she brings it out in you, or you are temporarily trying to show off for her. You should do everything in your power to become indifferent about her, that’s just a shit load of trouble waiting to happen if you have that sort of animalistic chemistry towards one another.

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[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
Hmmm… Broken tailbones and orgasms…

There’s a connection here but I’m just not getting it.

[/quote]

Intriguing connection aside, I sent you my email on that “other” network.

Please contact me so we can make plans.[/quote]

I just put my e-mail in my profile under my avi pic, but I’ll also set up another on the other network tonight after work.

Hope that last leg of the trip wasn’t too ugly for you. The weather was going a bit nuts at that point. You must have brought this nicer stuff with you!

164

[quote]Severiano wrote:
Man, sounds like either she brings it out in you, or you are temporarily trying to show off for her.[/quote]

Is there a difference?

I actually think we both came too close to that line in the past (well, we crossed a lot of lines), and learned where the limits are. So I’m actually not THAT concerned.

I think the part that surprises me is how much it takes me out of my normal routine of “going through the motions”. How I instantly raise my standards in response to all the non-verbal energy I get from interacting with her. She’s not the only person I’ve ever responded to like that, but definitely one of the most potent.

I just find it such a strange to observe that I still respond like that.

When I was younger with a very low self image, you could pretty much put it as “she makes me feel like I’m not good enough, so I want to be better [for her]”. Generic she/her. There were specific people, of course, but there wasn’t any real direct correlation.

But over the years I’ve fixed many of the self image issues, so that explanation doesn’t hold.

It’s the kind of motivation that seems to amp up my creativity and drive to be more. Something that’s been, admittedly, missing for awhile.

I wonder if it’s something I can artificially create, because, in all honesty, I feel more “alive” than I have for a long while. This is a very useful feeling.

165

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]Severiano wrote:
Man, sounds like either she brings it out in you, or you are temporarily trying to show off for her.[/quote]

Is there a difference?

I actually think we both came too close to that line in the past (well, we crossed a lot of lines), and learned where the limits are. So I’m actually not THAT concerned.

I think the part that surprises me is how much it takes me out of my normal routine of “going through the motions”. How I instantly raise my standards in response to all the non-verbal energy I get from interacting with her. She’s not the only person I’ve ever responded to like that, but definitely one of the most potent.

I just find it such a strange to observe that I still respond like that.

When I was younger with a very low self image, you could pretty much put it as “she makes me feel like I’m not good enough, so I want to be better [for her]”. Generic she/her. There were specific people, of course, but there wasn’t any real direct correlation.

But over the years I’ve fixed many of the self image issues, so that explanation doesn’t hold.

It’s the kind of motivation that seems to amp up my creativity and drive to be more. Something that’s been, admittedly, missing for awhile.

I wonder if it’s something I can artificially create, because, in all honesty, I feel more “alive” than I have for a long while. This is a very useful feeling.[/quote]

Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone at home who made you feel that way, instead of

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I’m actually pretty sure it’s the quality of being unattainable that drives things. If I could get everything I desired, why would I put any effort in at all? It really doesn’t have the same motivational value.

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Regarding the 2nd part though… yes, it would be nice to not have to deal with that.

And, after a day or so of silence, she finally did send me a text saying “I was not up to talking last night since I did not appreciate being hung up on.” Just interesting how that got twisted, and will likely be used as fodder in the future. Followed with her telling me that I was being too “sensitive”.

The whole “argument”, told from my side of course:

She was speculating about what life could be like when we’re living together. After talking about how she needs to maintain her morning routine, she said something like “it’s that coming part I’m not sure about”. I’m 99.99% sure she meant "that coming home part’.

“What coming part?”

“Huh?”

“You said something like ‘it’s that coming part I’m not sure about’”

And then she snapped at me, tone, attitude, everything: something about how I always say she says something she didn’t say. (Have fun parsing that.)

… after I thought things calmed down… I asked her why she snapped at me. And that just set her off. She insisted I was the one who snapped at her. That I just couldn’t let it go. That I raised my voice at her. That I always had to be right. That I was the one who needed to calm down.

Once I realized that everything I said just ended up amplified and turned around back at me, I just hung up.

There’s only two ways to “win” when that happens 1) wear her down – where it’s, of course, my fault; or 2) walk away – where it’s, of course, my fault.

All because I was trying to make her laugh a bit about something she said.

168

[quote]LoRez wrote:
Regarding the 2nd part though… yes, it would be nice to not have to deal with that.

And, after a day or so of silence, she finally did send me a text saying “I was not up to talking last night since I did not appreciate being hung up on.” Just interesting how that got twisted, and will likely be used as fodder in the future. Followed with her telling me that I was being too “sensitive”.

The whole “argument”, told from my side of course:

She was speculating about what life could be like when we’re living together. After talking about how she needs to maintain her morning routine, she said something like “it’s that coming part I’m not sure about”. I’m 99.99% sure she meant "that coming home part’.

“What coming part?”

“Huh?”

“You said something like ‘it’s that coming part I’m not sure about’”

And then she snapped at me, tone, attitude, everything: something about how I always say she says something she didn’t say. (Have fun parsing that.)

… after I thought things calmed down… I asked her why she snapped at me. And that just set her off. She insisted I was the one who snapped at her. That I just couldn’t let it go. That I raised my voice at her. That I always had to be right. That I was the one who needed to calm down.

Once I realized that everything I said just ended up amplified and turned around back at me, I just hung up.

There’s only two ways to “win” when that happens 1) wear her down – where it’s, of course, my fault; or 2) walk away – where it’s, of course, my fault.

All because I was trying to make her laugh a bit about something she said.[/quote]

Fuck that.

169

I suppose what I’m wondering is… short of ending the relationship, is there anything I can do to “fix” this?

By fix, I just mean, reduce/eliminate the frequency of such things. At this point, she sees herself at least partially responsible, so that’s definitely a step forward from where we were in the past.

As far as the impact on me, I’m mostly just annoyed. Hanging up at least kept things from getting worse. Whenever I start to have some real confidence in things, she does something like this.

From an email I wrote yesterday:

[quote]"Whatever the source of that is, you need to work it out. If that means you need to find some way to release stress, or even find a therapist or whatever, then please do that.

Obviously I don’t like you lashing out at me, but it can’t be good for you either. It seems to be happening a bit more frequently than it used to, so I’m a little concerned."[/quote]

Is there anything else I can/could have done?

170

From what I’ve read it is not your issue to fix, tell her to get her shit together and if she’s unwilling curb her.

171

That sounds exactly like my ex dude. Violent changes in tone seemingly from nowhere. Always turns blame around on you, sometimes going so far as to accuse you of doing things to her that she literally just did to you. Left me feeling like I must be taking crazy pills on opposite day in the twilight zone.

I tried the route of calmly and very explicitly explaining to her why I was confused and how the conversation literally went. This resulted in “Oh you’re just always right aren’t you?”. It was a negative sum game. There is no win condition.

I think some girls are just straight up insane. Maybe society today is too hard for young girls growing up, I dunno. Seems like most of them have mood issues though. In my experience a girl is more likely to be crazy than not. I don’t really even hold out hope for finding one who isn’t nuts. Hopefully I’ll just find one who is a tolerable level of messed up.

172

[quote]csulli wrote:

I think some girls are just straight up insane. Maybe society today is too hard for young girls growing up, I dunno. Seems like most of them have mood issues though. In my experience a girl is more likely to be crazy than not. I don’t really even hold out hope for finding one who isn’t nuts. Hopefully I’ll just find one who is a tolerable level of messed up.[/quote]

The big dividing line is whether she gets personal or not.

It can get loud, it can get emotional, but if she tries to go for your perceived weaknesses, dump her, you have only seen the tip of the iceberg.

173

[quote]LoRez wrote:
Regarding the 2nd part though… yes, it would be nice to not have to deal with that.

And, after a day or so of silence, she finally did send me a text saying “I was not up to talking last night since I did not appreciate being hung up on.” Just interesting how that got twisted, and will likely be used as fodder in the future. Followed with her telling me that I was being too “sensitive”.

The whole “argument”, told from my side of course:

She was speculating about what life could be like when we’re living together. After talking about how she needs to maintain her morning routine, she said something like “it’s that coming part I’m not sure about”. I’m 99.99% sure she meant "that coming home part’.

“What coming part?”

“Huh?”

“You said something like ‘it’s that coming part I’m not sure about’”

And then she snapped at me, tone, attitude, everything: something about how I always say she says something she didn’t say. (Have fun parsing that.)

… after I thought things calmed down… I asked her why she snapped at me. And that just set her off. She insisted I was the one who snapped at her. That I just couldn’t let it go. That I raised my voice at her. That I always had to be right. That I was the one who needed to calm down.

Once I realized that everything I said just ended up amplified and turned around back at me, I just hung up.

There’s only two ways to “win” when that happens 1) wear her down – where it’s, of course, my fault; or 2) walk away – where it’s, of course, my fault.

All because I was trying to make her laugh a bit about something she said.[/quote]

You don’t actually have to deal with that type of bullshit, you know.

174

[quote]csulli wrote:
That sounds exactly like my ex dude. Violent changes in tone seemingly from nowhere. Always turns blame around on you, sometimes going so far as to accuse you of doing things to her that she literally just did to you. Left me feeling like I must be taking crazy pills on opposite day in the twilight zone.

I tried the route of calmly and very explicitly explaining to her why I was confused and how the conversation literally went. This resulted in “Oh you’re just always right aren’t you?”. It was a negative sum game. There is no win condition.

I think some girls are just straight up insane. Maybe society today is too hard for young girls growing up, I dunno. Seems like most of them have mood issues though. In my experience a girl is more likely to be crazy than not. I don’t really even hold out hope for finding one who isn’t nuts. Hopefully I’ll just find one who is a tolerable level of messed up.[/quote]

This reminds me of my ex-boyfriend, too, particularly after he lost his job. Before then, too, but the stress of the job loss sent it into overdrive and made it easier to see that all of the “misunderstandings” started with him heating up while I went “huh?” and then escalated when I tried to talk about what he’d said or even just tried to end it so we could have happy sex and contented sleep rather than a shitty 2-3 day fight. God, that sucked.

He emailed yesterday, a blank email with no subject line. This is the second such. The first one I figured was an accident, but I was thinking today that sending blank gmails wouldn’t just happen accidentally.

I’m so glad it came to a head when it did.

175

I just sent a woman a picture of a girl that looks just like her, just 20 years younger, in my appartement, scantily clad and all.

She deserves it, but I just might be a dick.

Given that I invited girl A so that I could send pics to girl B.

Guess I have to be really nice to girl A then…

176

[quote]orion wrote:
I just sent a woman a picture of a girl that looks just like her, just 20 years younger, in my appartement, scantily clad and all.

She deserves it, but I just might be a dick.

Given that I invited girl A so that I could send pics to girl B.

Guess I have to be really nice to girl A then…[/quote]

Why did she deserve it and why did you do it?

177

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]orion wrote:
I just sent a woman a picture of a girl that looks just like her, just 20 years younger, in my appartement, scantily clad and all.

She deserves it, but I just might be a dick.

Given that I invited girl A so that I could send pics to girl B.

Guess I have to be really nice to girl A then…[/quote]

Why did she deserve it and why did you do it?

[/quote]

Because she dragged me along for a while, trying to turn me into a Beta Orbiter…

She was somewhat succesful too…

Somewhat…

Be that as it may, I just wanted to show her what I could do if I wanted to.

Its cheap.

Its vulgar.

I hope it hurts.

178

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]csulli wrote:
That sounds exactly like my ex dude. Violent changes in tone seemingly from nowhere. Always turns blame around on you, sometimes going so far as to accuse you of doing things to her that she literally just did to you. Left me feeling like I must be taking crazy pills on opposite day in the twilight zone.

I tried the route of calmly and very explicitly explaining to her why I was confused and how the conversation literally went. This resulted in “Oh you’re just always right aren’t you?”. It was a negative sum game. There is no win condition.

I think some girls are just straight up insane. Maybe society today is too hard for young girls growing up, I dunno. Seems like most of them have mood issues though. In my experience a girl is more likely to be crazy than not. I don’t really even hold out hope for finding one who isn’t nuts. Hopefully I’ll just find one who is a tolerable level of messed up.[/quote]

This reminds me of my ex-boyfriend, too, particularly after he lost his job. Before then, too, but the stress of the job loss sent it into overdrive and made it easier to see that all of the “misunderstandings” started with him heating up while I went “huh?” and then escalated when I tried to talk about what he’d said or even just tried to end it so we could have happy sex and contented sleep rather than a shitty 2-3 day fight. God, that sucked.

He emailed yesterday, a blank email with no subject line. This is the second such. The first one I figured was an accident, but I was thinking today that sending blank gmails wouldn’t just happen accidentally.

I’m so glad it came to a head when it did.
[/quote]
Yeah I know it’s not really just girls who are like that :stuck_out_tongue: Anybody can be like that, and it is exhausting and baffling for the other person involved.