Let's Process Our Feelings II

Off Topic
842

[quote]Derek542 wrote:

[quote]countingbeans wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

He wants the though out version. :-)[/quote]

haha.

Well analogy version:

One day, after you’ve been together for a certain amount of time, you’ll be in the shower. It will be a wonderful, maybe even glorious shower. The water will be perfectly hot, the bathroom steamed to the perfect degree. You will be enjoying this shower, no doubt, more than you’ve enjoyed other showers in your life.

But then, because she is feeling a little bit under the weather that day, your wife will walk into the bathroom, sit down and absolutely destroy the toilet with the most violent and atrocious defecation the world has even seen. It will stink more than anything has ever stunk in the history of indoor plumbing.

Being married is finishing that shower, and still loving, respecting and wanting to have sex with that woman when you’re done washing in her stink.

I’ll do the thoughtful version in a second. [/quote]
See Beans I am on 15 years of marriage and this has NEVER happened.

I have yet to do that to her or vice versa.

We have other bathrooms to go to. [/quote]

I don’t consider myself literal but I also read it thinking THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO ME. From either direction. I just want to make that perfectly, abundantly clear. Even though it’s just an analogy.

843

[quote]Severiano wrote:

[quote]nkklllll wrote:

[quote]Severiano wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]Severiano wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]Severiano wrote:
I actually know of a couple successful long term marriages where the guy is an introvert, and he balances out his wife. It’s not always the guy that has to bring the spark, a lot has to do with understanding who the other person is and what they bring to the table for your relationship.

Usually if one person is extremely outgoing it’s good for the other to be able to temper that person. And vice versa from what I’ve seen. It’s about how you can compliment one another and make one another better in the end… But, we usually don’t figure that out until we have already maybe had some kids. [/quote]

I don’t know about this. Once upon a time I thought so, opposites attract and all, but not so much anymore. I think they don’t so much balance each other as wind up forced to take turns having their needs met, and one will wind up less satisfied as the other’s preferences come to dominate. Most likely the extrovert lives a dull, quiet life so the introvert doesn’t get grumpy.

Much nicer to enjoy going out and staying in at the same rate. Sucks to be someone who likes to have parties and never can, or someone who hates crowds but has to tolerate them.[/quote]

The thing is introverts aren’t introverts all the time. We flash extroversion especially when we become familiar with situations and people we like. You should check out more info about introvert and extrovert relationships and dynamics. I think that if we are open to one another we tend to compliment one another.
[/quote]

I’m pretty familiar with the dynamic. A) masters degree in This Sort of Thing, B) long marriage to an introvert, C) listen to people tell about their disappointments for a living, D) have numerous long marriages to observe up close as they succeed or fail.

It isn’t that I lack information. I simply disagree with you that it’s a model one should seek out. Certainly you shouldn’t run screaming from someone who is more or less outgoing than yourself, but having in common your basic ideas of what constitutes a good time is important, in my opinion. [/quote]

Wow that sucks to hear. Totally true about what having a good time is all about… I always thought that extroverts helped introverts stretch things and open us up…

I was thinking that a lot of introverts don’t really know the difference between fearing something and not liking it… In that sometimes we need to get over fears of things to realize we enjoy them… Like, say dogs. If you are afraid of a big 1 year old Rottweiler, it’s going to run all over you and not respect you. But, once you genuinely have the confidence and aren’t experiencing feelings of apprehension, nervous energy, or actual fear, dogs will respect you.

Maybe too idealistic as usual. That’s kinda how I was thinking of it… Knowing the difference between say your fear of dogs, that could turn into a love for dogs… And say confirming you don’t like going out and dancing salsa.

As an introvert I try things to see. I have a good idea of the sorts of things I like and dislike, but it wasn’t always like this for me. Especially learning to swim as a kid after I nearly drowned, as well as getting trampled by dogs and being afraid of them to really, really liking dogs. [/quote]

It kind of sounds like you’re equating a kind of social anxiety with introversion. And I’d also like to point out that extroverts would be just as likely to have problems with swimming and dogs as you did, assuming they had similar experiences with those things.

Also, I know personally, as another introvert, that I don’t enjoy when people try and “stretch me [out] and open me up [to new things].” It’s seldom a case of being afraid of a situation or afraid of new things (although that does play into it around large groups of people, they make me uncomfortable if I don’t know anyone), and more a case of “I just feel like staying in tonight because I’m tired, and being around a bunch of people is more taxing than it is rewarding.”

I’m not sure if I’ve ever dated an extrovert, and I’m pretty sure that my girlfriend at the moment is an introvert (though I think less of one than I am) but I definitely think introverts and extroverts could be very happy together. Provided of course that they aren’t exceedingly selfish. You know, they make time for each other’s interests, not because they should, but because that’s what happens when you care about another person, especially deeply.

[/quote]

It’s kind of the point of introverts that we have extroverted qualities and we have entire extroverted periods of time when we are flowing and at our best socially… When we are like this it’s a LOT less draining than when we are our typical socially awkward selves.

People, big groups of people don’t ALWAYS cause that sort of fear/ anxiety is what I’m saying. And it’s really up to us to discover when we are really fearful, vs. simply don’t have the energy or the presence and desire to take part in social things. I know I make a bigger effort to get comfortable with social situations by preparing for them mentally well ahead of time, making sure I’m rested. The only hitch is if I start thinking about a date or a party too much, then I might actually lose sleep over it.

Also, certain things extroverts only really enjoy socially, I enjoy doing them by myself or with them. I’m usually the first to cliff dive in my group not because I seek approval of the group or want to be cool, but because I love the feeling of falling through the air. Where most of my peers only want to do it once, and will only do it if they can have their picture taken etc… There I am climbing up and down jumping in and out not waiting for anybody.

Often I have different reasons for the things I enjoy and why I take part in them than my extroverted friends. I lift for maximal strength and the primal rush of conquering heavy weight, where most of my peers lift for aesthetics or to be part of the community of fitness crossfit is another example.

For me I don’t enjoy going to the clubs and I wouldn’t do it on my own. But, I find myself having a good time depending on my dates energy and whether she is having a good time. What’s weird for me is seeing someone I’m close with, or growing close with having a good time is often a reward in itself for me, moreso than others who might just do things to part of the social dynamic and group. For me I like to try things to find out for myself what sort of fear I’m having. Whether it be anxiety and genuine lameness, or if it’s actually fear and something that if I get over it, I may enjoy.

I think a lot of introverts hide and don’t bother to learn the difference.

Maybe that has to do more with how empathetic, and into other people we are that has nothing to do with introversion or extroversion. I thought for a long time that we introverts were more empathetic, because with introspection we tend to put ourselves in the shoes of others in very forward, hypothetical and imagined situations. [/quote]

Severiano, I think that, as nkklllll states regarding fear, you’re conflating a variety of feelings under the headings of introversion and extraversion. Fear and social anxiety, approval-seeking, group-think. . .these are not facets of the Meyers-Briggs E or I thing.

844

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]Severiano wrote:

[quote]nkklllll wrote:

[quote]Severiano wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]Severiano wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]Severiano wrote:
I actually know of a couple successful long term marriages where the guy is an introvert, and he balances out his wife. It’s not always the guy that has to bring the spark, a lot has to do with understanding who the other person is and what they bring to the table for your relationship.

Usually if one person is extremely outgoing it’s good for the other to be able to temper that person. And vice versa from what I’ve seen. It’s about how you can compliment one another and make one another better in the end… But, we usually don’t figure that out until we have already maybe had some kids. [/quote]

I don’t know about this. Once upon a time I thought so, opposites attract and all, but not so much anymore. I think they don’t so much balance each other as wind up forced to take turns having their needs met, and one will wind up less satisfied as the other’s preferences come to dominate. Most likely the extrovert lives a dull, quiet life so the introvert doesn’t get grumpy.

Much nicer to enjoy going out and staying in at the same rate. Sucks to be someone who likes to have parties and never can, or someone who hates crowds but has to tolerate them.[/quote]

The thing is introverts aren’t introverts all the time. We flash extroversion especially when we become familiar with situations and people we like. You should check out more info about introvert and extrovert relationships and dynamics. I think that if we are open to one another we tend to compliment one another.
[/quote]

I’m pretty familiar with the dynamic. A) masters degree in This Sort of Thing, B) long marriage to an introvert, C) listen to people tell about their disappointments for a living, D) have numerous long marriages to observe up close as they succeed or fail.

It isn’t that I lack information. I simply disagree with you that it’s a model one should seek out. Certainly you shouldn’t run screaming from someone who is more or less outgoing than yourself, but having in common your basic ideas of what constitutes a good time is important, in my opinion. [/quote]

Wow that sucks to hear. Totally true about what having a good time is all about… I always thought that extroverts helped introverts stretch things and open us up…

I was thinking that a lot of introverts don’t really know the difference between fearing something and not liking it… In that sometimes we need to get over fears of things to realize we enjoy them… Like, say dogs. If you are afraid of a big 1 year old Rottweiler, it’s going to run all over you and not respect you. But, once you genuinely have the confidence and aren’t experiencing feelings of apprehension, nervous energy, or actual fear, dogs will respect you.

Maybe too idealistic as usual. That’s kinda how I was thinking of it… Knowing the difference between say your fear of dogs, that could turn into a love for dogs… And say confirming you don’t like going out and dancing salsa.

As an introvert I try things to see. I have a good idea of the sorts of things I like and dislike, but it wasn’t always like this for me. Especially learning to swim as a kid after I nearly drowned, as well as getting trampled by dogs and being afraid of them to really, really liking dogs. [/quote]

It kind of sounds like you’re equating a kind of social anxiety with introversion. And I’d also like to point out that extroverts would be just as likely to have problems with swimming and dogs as you did, assuming they had similar experiences with those things.

Also, I know personally, as another introvert, that I don’t enjoy when people try and “stretch me [out] and open me up [to new things].” It’s seldom a case of being afraid of a situation or afraid of new things (although that does play into it around large groups of people, they make me uncomfortable if I don’t know anyone), and more a case of “I just feel like staying in tonight because I’m tired, and being around a bunch of people is more taxing than it is rewarding.”

I’m not sure if I’ve ever dated an extrovert, and I’m pretty sure that my girlfriend at the moment is an introvert (though I think less of one than I am) but I definitely think introverts and extroverts could be very happy together. Provided of course that they aren’t exceedingly selfish. You know, they make time for each other’s interests, not because they should, but because that’s what happens when you care about another person, especially deeply.

[/quote]

It’s kind of the point of introverts that we have extroverted qualities and we have entire extroverted periods of time when we are flowing and at our best socially… When we are like this it’s a LOT less draining than when we are our typical socially awkward selves.

People, big groups of people don’t ALWAYS cause that sort of fear/ anxiety is what I’m saying. And it’s really up to us to discover when we are really fearful, vs. simply don’t have the energy or the presence and desire to take part in social things. I know I make a bigger effort to get comfortable with social situations by preparing for them mentally well ahead of time, making sure I’m rested. The only hitch is if I start thinking about a date or a party too much, then I might actually lose sleep over it.

Also, certain things extroverts only really enjoy socially, I enjoy doing them by myself or with them. I’m usually the first to cliff dive in my group not because I seek approval of the group or want to be cool, but because I love the feeling of falling through the air. Where most of my peers only want to do it once, and will only do it if they can have their picture taken etc… There I am climbing up and down jumping in and out not waiting for anybody.

Often I have different reasons for the things I enjoy and why I take part in them than my extroverted friends. I lift for maximal strength and the primal rush of conquering heavy weight, where most of my peers lift for aesthetics or to be part of the community of fitness crossfit is another example.

For me I don’t enjoy going to the clubs and I wouldn’t do it on my own. But, I find myself having a good time depending on my dates energy and whether she is having a good time. What’s weird for me is seeing someone I’m close with, or growing close with having a good time is often a reward in itself for me, moreso than others who might just do things to part of the social dynamic and group. For me I like to try things to find out for myself what sort of fear I’m having. Whether it be anxiety and genuine lameness, or if it’s actually fear and something that if I get over it, I may enjoy.

I think a lot of introverts hide and don’t bother to learn the difference.

Maybe that has to do more with how empathetic, and into other people we are that has nothing to do with introversion or extroversion. I thought for a long time that we introverts were more empathetic, because with introspection we tend to put ourselves in the shoes of others in very forward, hypothetical and imagined situations. [/quote]

Severiano, I think that, as nkklllll states regarding fear, you’re conflating a variety of feelings under the headings of introversion and extraversion. Fear and social anxiety, approval-seeking, group-think. . .these are not facets of the Meyers-Briggs E or I thing.
[/quote]

I always thought ESJF’s sought approval.

Someone who seeks approval and is concerned with others happiness, might be the sort more likely say to conform to group thinking?

Someone who is say INTJ is going to be super critical of group thinkers.

Then again, my personality type isn’t common. Maybe it’s the way I’m thinking about it. I have a tendency to miss nuances for the sake of having a clear general understanding, and then I can dive back into things to make better sense. I’m at the first stages obviously with this stuff, I don’t have a good big picture of how different personality types typically interact… And then it’s even more confusing because people aren’t pure introverts or extroverts but people who are moreso introverts than they are extroverts and vice versa to differing degrees, as well as differing degrees of judgement, intuition, etc.

I have a kind of messed up need to understand things. A lot of people with my personality type think they know everything and that is something I’ve been through already… I’m at a point where I’ve accepted that the more I know, the more I realize I don’t know, which for me creates a realization that everything is a bit chaotic and cannot be defined or understood. But, I need to go to rigid places to make sense of wholes… I don’t even know if that makes sense… I have an extraordinarily hard time sharing what goes on in my head, and in general I don’t share with a lot of people. I’m probably most open on these sorts of forums.

I think a good example that sort of upset you was when I was thinking about herems. While I don’t think that herems are ideal, what I realized was that the herem idea fit into the way I was building my own understanding which was more based on comparing us to primates, and making connections with anthropological reasons for say women having their cycles at the same time, and their attraction to high test men during their cycles vs. feminine men at other times. Not sure if you remember that, but it’s the way I think in terms of creating frameworks to understand wholes.

Maybe it’s just INTJ’s? I even had a hard time admitting I’m super judgemental.

845

[quote]countingbeans wrote:

[quote]Stinkfist wrote:

[quote]countingbeans wrote:

[quote]csulli wrote:

How can they know they didn’t just get lucky?[/quote]

Because marriage is a pain in the ass. [/quote]

Why?[/quote]

Because there is at least two of your involved on the most basic level, and potentially massive families too.

There are so many relationships that go into a marriage, managing them, working on them, and maintaining them takes effort, desire and all around adjustments in not only your day-to-day life, but in your attitude and perceptions of the world too.

Take your relationship with yourself. Setting aside those with drastic cognitive dissonance issues living in denial, people tend to change over time, evolve if you will. Political views may change, desires may change, facts and circumstances may bring one to alter their perspective in one way or another. Your spouse my very well influence those changes, but your interaction with the world outside your spouse will also influence those changes.

Not only are you dealing with the change of yourself, but you have to deal with the changes to yourself as it relates to your relationship with your spouse, and more likely kids and extended family as well. This takes communication, honesty and effort to task. Because if you change in a vacuum and expect your spouse to just “go along for the ride because she/he loves me” you’re in for a rude awakening.

Now take your relationship with your spouse (non-sexual), relationship with your spouse (sexual), relationship with your family, your spouse’s relationship with your family, your relationship with your spouse’s family, their relationship to you… It goes on and on, and each one of these takes effort, planning and communication to maintain.

Don’t forget finances. Financially stressful environments aren’t exactly the best to foster healthy relationship and communication. The outside stress of living pay check to pay check can wear on a family and erode a bond through resentment, anger, frustration, or yearning for something different just to name a few.

Time… Time is one of the most cherished things we have. You’re part of a couple now, you can’t just go out and do what-ever-the-fuck you want anymore. You have someone else’s plans, feelings and desires to take into consideration. Add in kids and suddenly you have no free time if you want to sleep, lol.

The point is marriage, or any honest long term committed relationship, takes effort in order to be fulfilling. Like most things in life, you have to put effort in to get reward and enjoyment out. Sharing your life with someone you love, trust and can rely on to be there for and have there for you is one of the most wonderful rewards life can offer. But it isn’t a gift, it is very much a reward.

The love that brought you together in the first place may be a gift, but what keeps you together is a reward. Best parts of being together, they are the result of the effort you put in.

[/quote]

I love the reward vs gift piece of this. Nicely put.

846

Hockey was over Wednesday night and we had a conversation about extroverts and introverts that lasted off and on through Thursday morning when I left for work. He basically said what Severiano, or whoever wrote the first post about it, said: that they balance one another and the introvert can ground the extrovert. I disagreed, bit it made more sense when he identified himself as “a total introvert.” However, I don’t think he is.

His social life is more active than mine and he’s a key player in organizing group activity. I also noted that every time we go anywhere, he talks to strangers. “When??” he asked. So I reminded him of the band guy he talked to at the restaurant last week (“I needed information from him”) the TWO vendors he chatted with at the farmer’s market (“I needed information from them!”) and the British guy from the music hall place (“I needed to ask him about his bush” lol), all very recent.

It’s true that he spends a lot of time happily alone and has solitary work and hobbies, so okay, an introvert in comparison to me. But I’m also not extremely extroverted - I need alone time and don’t like large groups. So we agree about how to socialize (one-on-one or small groups) and have our needs met through work differences.

I stand by that extremes will have a hard time of it as couples.

847

[quote]Severiano wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

Severiano, I think that, as nkklllll states regarding fear, you’re conflating a variety of feelings under the headings of introversion and extraversion. Fear and social anxiety, approval-seeking, group-think. . .these are not facets of the Meyers-Briggs E or I thing.
[/quote]

I always thought ESJF’s sought approval.

Someone who seeks approval and is concerned with others happiness, might be the sort more likely say to conform to group thinking?

Someone who is say INTJ is going to be super critical of group thinkers.

Then again, my personality type isn’t common. Maybe it’s the way I’m thinking about it. I have a tendency to miss nuances for the sake of having a clear general understanding, and then I can dive back into things to make better sense. I’m at the first stages obviously with this stuff, I don’t have a good big picture of how different personality types typically interact… And then it’s even more confusing because people aren’t pure introverts or extroverts but people who are moreso introverts than they are extroverts and vice versa to differing degrees, as well as differing degrees of judgement, intuition, etc.

I have a kind of messed up need to understand things. A lot of people with my personality type think they know everything and that is something I’ve been through already… I’m at a point where I’ve accepted that the more I know, the more I realize I don’t know, which for me creates a realization that everything is a bit chaotic and cannot be defined or understood. But, I need to go to rigid places to make sense of wholes… I don’t even know if that makes sense… I have an extraordinarily hard time sharing what goes on in my head, and in general I don’t share with a lot of people. I’m probably most open on these sorts of forums.

I think a good example that sort of upset you was when I was thinking about herems. While I don’t think that herems are ideal, what I realized was that the herem idea fit into the way I was building my own understanding which was more based on comparing us to primates, and making connections with anthropological reasons for say women having their cycles at the same time, and their attraction to high test men during their cycles vs. feminine men at other times. Not sure if you remember that, but it’s the way I think in terms of creating frameworks to understand wholes.

Maybe it’s just INTJ’s? I even had a hard time admitting I’m super judgemental.
[/quote]

Severiano, you drive me crazy with this habit you have of shifting what you’re talking about in the middle of a conversation. You’ve added in whole new elements of the MB index and now we’re talking about. . . what? Approval-seeking? Which has nothing to do with gaining energy from either social interaction or solitude, which is extraversion vs introversion.

It’s alike to the harem conversation in that you’re not clear or grounded in your main point, or don’t stay on it or something. In a debate people will agree or disagree, it’s not helpful to shift to a related topic and subtly alter the argued point. I like you and I know you’re doing it because other thoughts occur to you and you’re curious (which I like), but it’s difficult to engage.

848

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Severiano, you drive me crazy with this habit you have of shifting what you’re talking about in the middle of a conversation. You’ve added in whole new elements of the MB index and now we’re talking about. . . what? Approval-seeking? Which has nothing to do with gaining energy from either social interaction or solitude, which is extraversion vs introversion.

It’s alike to the harem conversation in that you’re not clear or grounded in your main point, or don’t stay on it or something. In a debate people will agree or disagree, it’s not helpful to shift to a related topic and subtly alter the argued point. I like you and I know you’re doing it because other thoughts occur to you and you’re curious (which I like), but it’s difficult to engage.[/quote]

Lol, it’s one of the reasons I enjoy reading his posts, content aside.

849

.

850


Unrelated to Meyers-Briggs.

852

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Severiano, you drive me crazy with this habit you have of shifting what you’re talking about in the middle of a conversation. You’ve added in whole new elements of the MB index and now we’re talking about. . . what? Approval-seeking? Which has nothing to do with gaining energy from either social interaction or solitude, which is extraversion vs introversion.

It’s alike to the harem conversation in that you’re not clear or grounded in your main point, or don’t stay on it or something. In a debate people will agree or disagree, it’s not helpful to shift to a related topic and subtly alter the argued point. I like you and I know you’re doing it because other thoughts occur to you and you’re curious (which I like), but it’s difficult to engage.[/quote]

Lol, it’s one of the reasons I enjoy reading his posts, content aside.[/quote]

Masochist?[/quote]

Well, I’m glad I’m a good laugh and entertainment for some of you. Even if for comic relief. It’s part of the beauty of being a stranger here. Chushin, at least for me everyone is a stranger, and so I don’t really have to worry about “face” the same way you do. You have a lot more at stake than I do here.

I figure you want to chime in and say something clever, or postulate that you are too intelligent to share perspective, and that I’m a waste of time. Yet, here you are spending your time.

Whats weird is I think we would get along if you understood how face and respect work for me. Unfortunately you lost my respect a while ago. I don’t know that you are the sort that default respects anybody.

853

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
.[/quote]

Lol that’s such a messed up interpretation

I think NT’s are all kinda that way though.

We tend to go rational first, I think it has to do with how we might associate paper with someone trying to sell us an idea.

The way I view the term, “Pro Choice” from my rationality is that there already is choice… If a woman chooses to have sex, whether there is protection or not there is a greyscale chance that the condom or protection will fail and she will become pregnant. Therefore she has free choice, in her choice to have sex being there is a chance for pregnancy. I present this to pro choice people and it pisses them off.

The thing is, even though I think the term, “Pro Choice” is retarded. I still feel the decision to choose abortion or birth is linked to her autonomy. I don’t necessarily view fetuses as things with autonomy, but things with potential autonomy. I don’t pretend to define or know when life begins either. If I found out a fetus actually had autonomy I’d probably be against abortion.

I don’t consider myself so much pro choice as I am pro abortion. That’s what it is to me.

I also am agnostic and think Dawkins’ framework of belief is retarded, though I recognize I’d be an agnostic atheist under his framework. What bugs the shit out of me about his framework is that it pays no respect to the etymology of the words, and IMO jumbles traditional meanings of atheism and agnosticism to fit his politics, and popularity. I recognize he is egocentric about his intelligence and craves attention.

Just a couple examples. But from what I gather we are kinda predictably like this. We don’t really care too much about authority or title, but the ideas themselves. If they don’t work, we throw them out regardless of how popular they are or who wrote them. Even if I respect the person deeply, I don’t always respect their ideas or opinions.

I’d say tend to be pretty free thinkers, tend to be pretty good at spotting holes.

854

[quote]Severiano wrote:
Well, I’m glad I’m a good laugh and entertainment for some of you. Even if for comic relief.[/quote]

No, no, it’s not like that at all.

It’s just genuinely interesting to me reading/hearing/observing a worldview and approach that’s quite a bit different from mine. I enjoy seeing how you view the same things I do, in such a different way than I do.

For instance, take a look at the dialog between LankyMofo, Orion, Brother Chris, and Alive Again in whichever relationship thread that is, and nobody’s necessarily wrong, but everyone sees the same things in different ways.

But definitely no offense intended.

855

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]Severiano wrote:
Well, I’m glad I’m a good laugh and entertainment for some of you. Even if for comic relief.[/quote]

No, no, it’s not like that at all.

It’s just genuinely interesting to me reading/hearing/observing a worldview and approach that’s quite a bit different from mine. I enjoy seeing how you view the same things I do, in such a different way than I do.

For instance, take a look at the dialog between LankyMofo, Orion, Brother Chris, and Alive Again in whichever relationship thread that is, and nobody’s necessarily wrong, but everyone sees the same things in different ways.

But definitely no offense intended.[/quote]

Well, we are all very different types of people who likely wouldn’t interact with one another outside of forums due to things like region and even social status. I think we are all fascinated and entertained by the interactions that take place here. It’s like a fucked up reality show, except perhaps less pretentious than the ones on TV due to various levels of anonymity.

If it wasn’t funny why read? :smiley:

856

I have some feelings. This weekend Hockey made a couple of light man/woman jokes. One was something like “I’ll be perfect as soon as you fix me” and the other was “happy wife, happy life.” To the second I responded “happy husband, happy wife” and got a dubious look in response. Don’t both people need to be happy in order for either to be?

The first comment stopped me short, though. I asked if he thinks I’m trying to change him and he said “well, yeah, of course” but then either couldn’t or wouldn’t give examples. I said I don’t want to change him, that I think he’s fine the way he is and I like him with his oddities and also recognize that if he didn’t have flaws he wouldn’t want me, because I do.

I also offered that he’s trying to change me, too, which surprised him, but he definitely is. He wants me to be much safer than he’s willing to be (e.g bicycle helmet and safe roads or ideally no cars near me at all, whereas I want long fast roads and earbuds, no helmet - and so does he except for the music). Anyway, it came up again later and I asked again have I really tried to “fix” him and this time he said “no, you’re still in the assessment stage.”

I’m stunned by this whole thing because I would have imagined that I’d be sensitive to the changing thing after reading here all these years, and wouldn’t do it. But then maybe he’s just making assumptions/jokes. But then maybe he’s making observations, not assumptions. I can’t tell.

Which makes it sound like we’re having A Thing over it, but this was all over the course of a day. Some of it was pillow talk.

Also, the equality/fair thing came up again. I must have said something about things being unfair and he again asked if I want equality in the relationship, but there’s a slight mouse situation here at present and no, I do not want equality until the mice are gone. I had to manage one myself and it was horrible, just horrible.

857

Okay, it’s totally true that I don’t like the brown-furniture-and-flashlights decorating theme he’s got going on. Every single thing is brown! WTF? And every flat surface has its own flashlight. Not only that, but he’s given me THREE since we’ve been together. A keychain flashlight, a little headlamp, and a mini-mag for my car.

But other than those things. . .

858

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I had to manage one myself and it was horrible, just horrible.[/quote]
A live one? I drowned a mouse once, when my parents used sticky traps one year. Didn’t like that. Killed one with a hockey stick, probably bashed it more than was necessary, and didn’t feel a thing, but holding it underwater until it stops squirming and you see that last wisp of air come out, I didn’t like that.

859

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I have some feelings. This weekend Hockey made a couple of light man/woman jokes. One was something like “I’ll be perfect as soon as you fix me” and the other was “happy wife, happy life.” To the second I responded “happy husband, happy wife” and got a dubious look in response. Don’t both people need to be happy in order for either to be?

The first comment stopped me short, though. I asked if he thinks I’m trying to change him and he said “well, yeah, of course” but then either couldn’t or wouldn’t give examples. I said I don’t want to change him, that I think he’s fine the way he is and I like him with his oddities and also recognize that if he didn’t have flaws he wouldn’t want me, because I do.

I also offered that he’s trying to change me, too, which surprised him, but he definitely is. He wants me to be much safer than he’s willing to be (e.g bicycle helmet and safe roads or ideally no cars near me at all, whereas I want long fast roads and earbuds, no helmet - and so does he except for the music). Anyway, it came up again later and I asked again have I really tried to “fix” him and this time he said “no, you’re still in the assessment stage.”

I’m stunned by this whole thing because I would have imagined that I’d be sensitive to the changing thing after reading here all these years, and wouldn’t do it. But then maybe he’s just making assumptions/jokes. But then maybe he’s making observations, not assumptions. I can’t tell.

Which makes it sound like we’re having A Thing over it, but this was all over the course of a day. Some of it was pillow talk.
[/quote]
I know you said you didn’t have a thing over it, it was just conversation over the course of a day, but still, it seems like you’re making too big of a deal about it. This sounds like one of those things that a girl would get all worked up over and the guy is left sitting there with a deep sigh and laughs with his bros later about how women get in fits over the most random little things.

I can promise you he’s not worried about it lol.

860

[quote]csulli wrote:
I know you said you didn’t have a thing over it, it was just conversation over the course of a day, but still, it seems like you’re making too big of a deal about it. This sounds like one of those things that a girl would get all worked up over and the guy is left sitting there with a deep sigh and laughs with his bros later about how women get in fits over the most random little things.

I can promise you he’s not worried about it lol.[/quote]

Haha, this.

There’s a part where I kinda just want to say you should stop trying so hard to defy the gender stereotypes. :wink:

I’m sure he was both joking with a bit of a serious undertone. It also sounds like he’s already accepted it will happen to some degree, and doesn’t have a problem with it.