Let's Process Our Feelings II

Off Topic
861

[quote]TheJonty wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I had to manage one myself and it was horrible, just horrible.[/quote]
A live one? I drowned a mouse once, when my parents used sticky traps one year. Didn’t like that. Killed one with a hockey stick, probably bashed it more than was necessary, and didn’t feel a thing, but holding it underwater until it stops squirming and you see that last wisp of air come out, I didn’t like that.[/quote]

There’s been one dead, one live (cat is getting them). Hockey was there for the dead one, so he got it out. The second one was half dead by the time I gathered the nerve to approach it and actually do something. I didn’t kill it, I scooped it up with an old towel and threw it away outside, which of course I immediately after realized WAS killing it. If there’s a next time I’ll toss it in the grass or woods and hope it can’t find its way back.

Hockey offered to stop over on his way back into town to take care of it if I wanted to just trap it under a bucket or something, but I didn’t want to admit that I’m that big a wuss, even though I sort of am.

862

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I have some feelings. This weekend Hockey made a couple of light man/woman jokes. One was something like “I’ll be perfect as soon as you fix me” and the other was “happy wife, happy life.” To the second I responded “happy husband, happy wife” and got a dubious look in response. Don’t both people need to be happy in order for either to be?

The first comment stopped me short, though. I asked if he thinks I’m trying to change him and he said “well, yeah, of course” but then either couldn’t or wouldn’t give examples. I said I don’t want to change him, that I think he’s fine the way he is and I like him with his oddities and also recognize that if he didn’t have flaws he wouldn’t want me, because I do.

I also offered that he’s trying to change me, too, which surprised him, but he definitely is. He wants me to be much safer than he’s willing to be (e.g bicycle helmet and safe roads or ideally no cars near me at all, whereas I want long fast roads and earbuds, no helmet - and so does he except for the music). Anyway, it came up again later and I asked again have I really tried to “fix” him and this time he said “no, you’re still in the assessment stage.”

I’m stunned by this whole thing because I would have imagined that I’d be sensitive to the changing thing after reading here all these years, and wouldn’t do it. But then maybe he’s just making assumptions/jokes. But then maybe he’s making observations, not assumptions. I can’t tell.

Which makes it sound like we’re having A Thing over it, but this was all over the course of a day. Some of it was pillow talk.
[/quote]
I know you said you didn’t have a thing over it, it was just conversation over the course of a day, but still, it seems like you’re making too big of a deal about it. This sounds like one of those things that a girl would get all worked up over and the guy is left sitting there with a deep sigh and laughs with his bros later about how women get in fits over the most random little things.

I can promise you he’s not worried about it lol.[/quote]

Maybe I should confront him later about whether he thinks I get in fits about random things, lol.

I just hate the thought that he might feel like I’m doing that changing thing, or worse, going to start nagging at some point.

I hate the thought that I might actually DO those things!

863

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]csulli wrote:
I know you said you didn’t have a thing over it, it was just conversation over the course of a day, but still, it seems like you’re making too big of a deal about it. This sounds like one of those things that a girl would get all worked up over and the guy is left sitting there with a deep sigh and laughs with his bros later about how women get in fits over the most random little things.

I can promise you he’s not worried about it lol.[/quote]

Haha, this.

There’s a part where I kinda just want to say you should stop trying so hard to defy the gender stereotypes. :wink:

I’m sure he was both joking with a bit of a serious undertone. It also sounds like he’s already accepted it will happen to some degree, and doesn’t have a problem with it.[/quote]

Good, because that brown furniture has to go if we’re ever going to share space. And flashlights should be hidden in drawers with all the other ugly-but-practical things!

His entire extended family noticed when I influenced his clothing choices a couple of months ago. He forgot his clothes for an out of town baptism and we had to buy something for him to wear. Like three of them commented separately on his outfit. He looked really good, though. lol

864

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Maybe I should confront him later about whether he thinks I get in fits about random things, lol.

I just hate the thought that he might feel like I’m doing that changing thing, or worse, going to start nagging at some point.

I hate the thought that I might actually DO those things![/quote]
It’s a vicious cycle lol. Sounds like you’re thinking of nagging him about whether or not you’re nagging him.

865

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Maybe I should confront him later about whether he thinks I get in fits about random things, lol.

I just hate the thought that he might feel like I’m doing that changing thing, or worse, going to start nagging at some point.

I hate the thought that I might actually DO those things![/quote]
It’s a vicious cycle lol. Sounds like you’re thinking of nagging him about whether or not you’re nagging him.[/quote]

If that’s what it takes to disabuse him of the notion that I’m a nag. . .

866

Lol, I fully expect one day for the nag gene to be discovered. That’s just how it is…

867

[quote]usmccds423 wrote:
Lol, I fully expect one day for the nag gene to be discovered. That’s just how it is… [/quote]

Will be on the X chromosome…

868

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Good, because that brown furniture has to go if we’re ever going to share space. And flashlights should be hidden in drawers with all the other ugly-but-practical things!
[/quote]

869

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Good, because that brown furniture has to go if we’re ever going to share space. And flashlights should be hidden in drawers with all the other ugly-but-practical things!
[/quote]

[/quote]

Ha! Note to self: locked box for non-flashlight ugly-but-practical things.

870

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]csulli wrote:
I know you said you didn’t have a thing over it, it was just conversation over the course of a day, but still, it seems like you’re making too big of a deal about it. This sounds like one of those things that a girl would get all worked up over and the guy is left sitting there with a deep sigh and laughs with his bros later about how women get in fits over the most random little things.

I can promise you he’s not worried about it lol.[/quote]

Haha, this.

There’s a part where I kinda just want to say you should stop trying so hard to defy the gender stereotypes. :wink:

I’m sure he was both joking with a bit of a serious undertone. It also sounds like he’s already accepted it will happen to some degree, and doesn’t have a problem with it.[/quote]

I was thinking about this driving home from work. I don’t think I’m interested in defying gender stereotypes. Let’s face it, I happily embrace the ones I like, which is a great many of them.

What I don’t want to be is an asshole. Falling in love with someone only to decide they’re all wrong is an asshole move.

I’m also surprised by his comments because I really didn’t think I do that. I do it for a living and I think I’m pretty chill about both accepting others’ weirdnesses and accepting my limitations in promoting change in people who aren’t seeking it for themselves.

But on the other hand there’s the brown furniture, which I can’t deny I’m wrinkling my nose over, and I’m sure there are other things. While meanwhile he’s rearranging my kitchen cupboards so they’ll “make more sense.”

When do you move, LoRez?

871

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]LoRez wrote:
There’s a part where I kinda just want to say you should stop trying so hard to defy the gender stereotypes. :wink:

I’m sure he was both joking with a bit of a serious undertone. It also sounds like he’s already accepted it will happen to some degree, and doesn’t have a problem with it.[/quote]

I was thinking about this driving home from work. I don’t think I’m interested in defying gender stereotypes. Let’s face it, I happily embrace the ones I like, which is a great many of them.

What I don’t want to be is an asshole. Falling in love with someone only to decide they’re all wrong is an asshole move.

I’m also surprised by his comments because I really didn’t think I do that. I do it for a living and I think I’m pretty chill about both accepting others’ weirdnesses and accepting my limitations in promoting change in people who aren’t seeking it for themselves.

But on the other hand there’s the brown furniture, which I can’t deny I’m wrinkling my nose over, and I’m sure there are other things. While meanwhile he’s rearranging my kitchen cupboards so they’ll “make more sense.”

When do you move, LoRez?[/quote]

Nice tie in.

End of August, beginning of September. Dates aren’t finalized yet, but around there. Actually, there’s a whole lot of loose ends still; haven’t heard anything official with work yet even… so that leaves me in the “maybe I should polish up my resume just in case, even though it shouldn’t be a problem, but just in case…” state too.

Not really stressing though.

We’re moving into a place for about 6 months (where she just moved into), and then we’ll actually spend some time and pick out a place together. Do that for a year or two, and then decide on something more permanent based on how everything goes.

I’m a lot better at planning for contingencies than I am actually planning for things going as expected.

872

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]LoRez wrote:
There’s a part where I kinda just want to say you should stop trying so hard to defy the gender stereotypes. :wink:

I’m sure he was both joking with a bit of a serious undertone. It also sounds like he’s already accepted it will happen to some degree, and doesn’t have a problem with it.[/quote]

I was thinking about this driving home from work. I don’t think I’m interested in defying gender stereotypes. Let’s face it, I happily embrace the ones I like, which is a great many of them.

What I don’t want to be is an asshole. Falling in love with someone only to decide they’re all wrong is an asshole move.

I’m also surprised by his comments because I really didn’t think I do that. I do it for a living and I think I’m pretty chill about both accepting others’ weirdnesses and accepting my limitations in promoting change in people who aren’t seeking it for themselves.

But on the other hand there’s the brown furniture, which I can’t deny I’m wrinkling my nose over, and I’m sure there are other things. While meanwhile he’s rearranging my kitchen cupboards so they’ll “make more sense.”

When do you move, LoRez?[/quote]

Nice tie in.

End of August, beginning of September. Dates aren’t finalized yet, but around there. Actually, there’s a whole lot of loose ends still; haven’t heard anything official with work yet even… so that leaves me in the “maybe I should polish up my resume just in case, even though it shouldn’t be a problem, but just in case…” state too.

Not really stressing though.

We’re moving into a place for about 6 months (where she just moved into), and then we’ll actually spend some time and pick out a place together. Do that for a year or two, and then decide on something more permanent based on how everything goes.

I’m a lot better at planning for contingencies than I am actually planning for things going as expected.[/quote]

Have you decided what constitutes things going well vs. not going well?

I’ve had a couple of clients recently who’ve been with men long term who got together at around my age and are now in awful relationships (this has nothing to do with you LoRez, I’ve moved back to myself). One of the men used to hold doors open and now he doesn’t and instead lays on the floor watching tv ALL DAY LONG. They’re freaking me out, to the point that I suddenly wondered “what if Hockey isn’t actually financially stable and is duping me?”

And then I thought to wonder how one goes about having a money conversation that requests proof of debt/asset type stuff and prenup conversations and such.

And then I felt like a jerk. But I still sort of wonder.

Because what about the “too good to be true” thing? Except I’m not sure he’d be too good to be true for another woman, he’s just that for me, maybe, because of the things I like to do. His last girlfriend apparently got on her elliptical machine AFTER showering. WTF is that all about? She may have found him too sweaty for her liking. I like getting sweaty, and I like him when he’s sweaty.

He is pretty weird in a lot of ways. But so am I.

I don’t know. This is all very stressful. In a fun, relaxing, joyous sort of way.

873

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I don’t know. This is all very stressful. In a fun, relaxing, joyous sort of way. [/quote]

874

those feels when your training partner isn’t natty, and you helplessly watch him make better gains than you. Those extra feels when he pushes you hard in the gym to keep up with him. brb cant feel my biceps anymore.

875

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I don’t know. This is all very stressful. In a fun, relaxing, joyous sort of way. [/quote]
[/quote]

I’m having mixed feelings, okay?

Actually, that’s not true. My feelings are all positive with regard to Hocke, but I still have unfounded worries that pop up from time to time. Those stress me out. The rest of it is joyous.

876

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I don’t know. This is all very stressful. In a fun, relaxing, joyous sort of way. [/quote]
[/quote]

I’m having mixed feelings, okay?

Actually, that’s not true. My feelings are all positive with regard to Hocke, but I still have unfounded worries that pop up from time to time. Those stress me out. The rest of it is joyous.[/quote]
At least you recognize them as unfounded. Females seem to have some kind of innate propensity for certain insecurities when it comes to relationships. I guess it’s some kind of “better safe than sorry” mechanism to make sure things really are stable.

877

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Have you decided what constitutes things going well vs. not going well?

I’ve had a couple of clients recently who’ve been with men long term who got together at around my age and are now in awful relationships (this has nothing to do with you LoRez, I’ve moved back to myself). One of the men used to hold doors open and now he doesn’t and instead lays on the floor watching tv ALL DAY LONG. They’re freaking me out, to the point that I suddenly wondered “what if Hockey isn’t actually financially stable and is duping me?”

And then I thought to wonder how one goes about having a money conversation that requests proof of debt/asset type stuff and prenup conversations and such.

And then I felt like a jerk. But I still sort of wonder.

Because what about the “too good to be true” thing? Except I’m not sure he’d be too good to be true for another woman, he’s just that for me, maybe, because of the things I like to do. His last girlfriend apparently got on her elliptical machine AFTER showering. WTF is that all about? She may have found him too sweaty for her liking. I like getting sweaty, and I like him when he’s sweaty.

He is pretty weird in a lot of ways. But so am I.

I don’t know. This is all very stressful. In a fun, relaxing, joyous sort of way. [/quote]

The husband who doesn’t do anything but watch TV all day isn’t really much/any different than the wife who never dresses any nicer than a pair of sweatpants, stopped making herself up, stopped even brushing her hair, gained a lot of weight and sits around watching talk shows all day long. Or the wife who said she’d go back to work after having a kid but never did. (I had a former boss who was extremely bitter about that one, and took out a lot of his frustrations on me.)

To some extent, it’s one of the reasons I’m afraid to leave the “dating” stage. I think there’s a certain level of self-maintenance that goes on when the possibility of leaving you for someone else still exists. Processed one way that fear can lead to self-doubt, low self-esteem, and lots of insecurity… but processed another way, it drives a certain amount of self-betterment and a focus on improving your relationship with your partner. Paying attention to more of the little things; making sure the time you have is higher quality; stuff like that. When he/she is stuck with you no matter what, some of that stuff can slip, and often people just seem to “let themselves go” physically and otherwise.

With respect to money, and my girlfriend and I, we’ve had enough money conversations over the years that it’s not a concern, but it took a few years before that ever became a topic of conversation. We talked about things in theory long before they became concrete, and started talking about actual debt, credit cards, income, savings, retirement planning, etc. There’s been a few changes on both our parts, but we’re pretty much on the same page now even though we’re still financially independent of each other. I don’t agree with some of the ways she spends her money; she doesn’t agree with the way I spend mine sometimes, but for the big stuff we’re pretty much the same now. But we know about each other’s asset, debts and income now. It just took a few years to get there.

I’m talking a lot I just realized. Not quite as concise as I’ve been the last while.

As far as your direct question though, the default state is “things going well”. Things not going well, as far as I see them, would be if her periodic borderline-like episodes last for more than a day or a few hours. If she makes a 180 and stays that way for awhile, and shows no signs of self-awareness about it, that’s what I’d consider “things not going well”. Thanks to you, Chushin, Skyz and Dr. Pangloss (and others), I have a lot better perspective on a number of things.

878

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I don’t know. This is all very stressful. In a fun, relaxing, joyous sort of way. [/quote]
[/quote]

I’m having mixed feelings, okay?

Actually, that’s not true. My feelings are all positive with regard to Hocke, but I still have unfounded worries that pop up from time to time. Those stress me out. The rest of it is joyous.[/quote]
At least you recognize them as unfounded. Females seem to have some kind of innate propensity for certain insecurities when it comes to relationships. I guess it’s some kind of “better safe than sorry” mechanism to make sure things really are stable.[/quote]

This business of “maybe he’s secretly broke and misrepresenting himself” only came up this week because I’ve had two clients talk about that. Of course men deal with broke, misrepresenting women all the time and Hockey and I are having pretty frank discussions about money now (assets, the debt that neither of us have, etc) and things are good, but for some reason I’m suddenly going all orion and worrying someone’s going to take half my shit.

I’ve eased up on the “maybe he won’t want me” piece. He wants me.

Still. Vulnerable = vulnerable, no?

879

[quote]Massthetics wrote:
those feels when your training partner isn’t natty, and you helplessly watch him make better gains than you. Those extra feels when he pushes you hard in the gym to keep up with him. brb cant feel my biceps anymore.[/quote]
LMMFAO

880

I think I’ve come to agree with orion and AC that respect forms the basis of romantic love for women.

However, I don’t think orion’s belief that men can never slow the slightest crack is true. In fact, I know it’s not because if you’re not both real and open, the lack of intimacy/knowing will destroy the relationship.

So you need to be able to be open without it being problematic, which means cleaning up your internals so they match your externals: confidence, integrity, decency, etc.