[quote]angry chicken wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]angry chicken wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]Chushin wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]csulli wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Secondarily:
The ex-husband is dating and asking my advice about women things. Recently: should a woman he’s seeing get upset that he and I talk, which suggests that I am “still pulling his strings.” (Um, I dunno? Ask an impartial person? But right off the top of my head I’d say she shouldn’t be telling you what to do on week three and there may be some hints as to her own nature here?)
I still have not been able to shake Tim loose, even though the last thing I wrote to him finished with “I don’t even want to be your friend,” which are very harsh words for me. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken them to anyone before.
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I still think it’s incredibly weird that you talk to your ex husband.
Secondly, who would win in a fight, Hockey or Tim?
And thirdly, who can deadlift more?
And you didn’t mention; how is he hanging on? Have you blocked his number and his email? Is he physically confronting you?[/quote]
Why don’t I block him - at one time I was worried that he was so close to the edge, and didn’t want to cut him off in case he needed some sort of intervention. Now I just want to know where he is with regard to me. I’m reassured by the length of time between his contacts and will feel better still when it stops naturally.
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I have decided that this was disingenuous. It’s more honest to simply say that I have trouble turning away, which has caused me no end of trouble and uncertainty over the years.
It’s also probably one of the nicest things about me, depending on context.
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Which is the case here?[/quote]
In the case of Tim? I’m not sure. I don’t think it’s causing me trouble, because internally I’m completely gone. There was a lot I didn’t post about with regard to him. Partly because it took me time to digest it, and partly because I’m in the habit of ignoring and covering things. Or used to be; I hope - and believe - I’m done doing that now.
So not trouble, really, beyond that I have to keep reprocessing my feelings for him when he pops up, which I do while I run. Kindness? Maybe. Although I don’t feel any sympathy in that direction any longer. I did at first. So self-defeating, poor guy! But I now view him pretty coldly as someone who is capable of brutalizing an old man and sexually assaulting the woman with whom he had previously been cheating on me. Why I consider it an assault, aside from him breaking her door lock (she was his landlord, so a flimsy interior lock) is that he said horrible things to her and she was crying throughout. She’d called off their FWB arrangement because she was in a relationship. I guess he was drunk and didn’t care about her relationship. She’s overweight, promiscuous, and prone to drama. Beneath him. And I guess he let her see just how deeply he disdained her. I thought I was going to die of hurt when she told me.
I don’t know if I’ve posted this before, but he brought up his shitty karma a couple of times after he got fired, and I would joke that my karma should be at play here, too, and I’ve been pretty good. I believe that his firing was to my great good luck - karmic justice for each of us. For a while I felt guilty for being so grateful that he lost his job and had his life fall apart in every regard while mine just kept getting better and better. Now I just feel grateful.
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The whole friends with exes is a huge red flag for me. HUGE. Not saying it “can’t” be done, but it’s rare. Especially if the relationship ended because of betrayal on the part of the ex. Why on earth would a woman choose to stay “friends” with a man who betrayed her? Boggles my little brain. Safety net? Comfort? Convenience? Habit? Each of those “reasons” opens up it’s own can of worms that point to unresolved issues or unfinished business that I’d rather not deal with.
If it’s just a casual thing, it’s no big deal. But in a relationship? It’s a slippery slope that screams of poor boundaries. And poor boundaries is a recipe for disaster when it comes to trust.
my .02 [/quote]
I will repeat again that my ex-husband and I share a family. We have a very good working relationship and supportive friendship. Were I shaky in my ability to maintain fidelity I might worry, but I’m not. I see men who describe their exes as psychos as suspect. You can’t get along with someone you once called the love of your life and slept with for however many years? I don’t have time to organize my thoughts about it right now, but there’s attachment stuff to do with having to separate angrily that you might find interesting.
I am not friends with Tim. If I bother to write back I consistently remind him that we were in two different relationships - his was with someone honest and loyal, mine was not - and that I don’t miss it.
The question was why don’t I block him. The answer is I don’t know.[/quote]
Going back to my ex-husband, we live a couple thousand miles apart, so it’s not like we’re hanging out. I’ve recently had to think about my standing offer to put him up if he’s ever in the area. I don’t feel good about it given the increasingly serious relationship with Hockey.
So I’m not sure you’re wrong, I just see gray area.
I also only have two exes, so hard to say where I’d fall with a larger sample.[/quote]
Here’s the piece you’re missing. Tim STILL doesn’t respect you. He sends you inappropriate communications STILL. It doesn’t matter if it’s an email or if it’s a text or if it’s a phone call in the middle of the night. He is taking LIBERTIES with what SHOULD be HOCKEY’S woman.[/quote]
God, you’re right. I hadn’t thought about that. I don’t chat with him, so he doesn’t know about Hockey, but he IS still doing whatever he wants despite my having said stop. And it is disrespect.
[quote]I recall a similar situation a while back with one of MY exes. One of the guys she used to fuck who she was still friends with messaged her on Facebook “you used to suck it good”. Now she was CLEARLY in a relationship. And he still messaged her that.
Now in each of those cases, what is the ex REALLY saying? FUCK THAT NEW GUY. It has nothing to do AT ALL with weather or not we are worried about you cheating on us with the ex. The fact that you stay in contact IN SPITE of the inappropriate communication is FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL.
No woman in MY life is going to keep someone around in HER life who basically says: “FUCK HIM, I’m gonna write you whatever I want”. Emphasis on the “FUCK HIM”… Maybe it’s how I grew up, but I don’t take that kind of disrespect lightly. Nor do I appreciate a woman who would actually facilitate it by maintaining that contact.
And you have a standing offer to bring that man into your HOME after he has written you things like what you have described? Are you out of your mind? If you did that and I were Hockey, I’d drop you like a bad habit. Not because I’d be worried about you sleeping with Tim, but because you would show me such disrespect to bring a man into your home who has taken inappropriate liberties with you at MY expense. It would be the height of disrespect.
You should really re think that open invite.[/quote]
It isn’t Tim with the standing invite, it’s my ex-husband. A whole different thing. He’s entirely respectful of both me and my relationship, but even still it wouldn’t work to host him at this point. I know that Hockey wouldn’t like it, which is enough to take it off the table.
