^ That does sound like manipulation. How many times does a woman have to do that before she starts complaining about “Having to do everything in the relationship.”, leaving the unknowing guy puzzled and frustrated.
[quote]Chushin wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
My 1:00 appointment has no-showed and for a change I’m all caught up on paperwork and phone calls, so I thought I’d process some feelings.
I’m falling at dizzying speed for Hockey, and it’s scaring me. I don’t know what to do with the intensity of my feelings, which are basically: liking, admiration, and - scariest of all - tentative trust. Everything I want and need is there, including the sex drive and dirty mind. With Tim I was never scared because I knew all along that it probably couldn’t and shouldn’t last.
Now I’m scared. I hate being scared.[/quote]
Allow me to suggest that you discuss this with him.
[/quote]
What should I say?
Edit: bearing in mind that it’s only been a couple of months.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
What should I say?
Edit: bearing in mind that it’s only been a couple of months.
[/quote]
"I’m falling at dizzying speed for you, and it’s scaring me. I don’t know what to do with the intensity of my feelings, which are basically: liking, admiration, and - scariest of all - tentative trust. Everything I want and need is there, including the sex drive and dirty mind. With Tim I was never scared because I knew all along that it probably couldn’t and shouldn’t last.
Now I’m scared. I hate being scared."
[quote]LoRez wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
What should I say?
Edit: bearing in mind that it’s only been a couple of months.
[/quote]
"I’m falling at dizzying speed for you, and it’s scaring me. I don’t know what to do with the intensity of my feelings, which are basically: liking, admiration, and - scariest of all - tentative trust. Everything I want and need is there, including the sex drive and dirty mind. With Tim I was never scared because I knew all along that it probably couldn’t and shouldn’t last.
Now I’m scared. I hate being scared."[/quote]
hahahahahahahahahahahhahhahaha
I spit my coffee up all over my omelette.
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
[quote]LoRez wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
What should I say?
Edit: bearing in mind that it’s only been a couple of months.
[/quote]
"I’m falling at dizzying speed for you, and it’s scaring me. I don’t know what to do with the intensity of my feelings, which are basically: liking, admiration, and - scariest of all - tentative trust. Everything I want and need is there, including the sex drive and dirty mind. With Tim I was never scared because I knew all along that it probably couldn’t and shouldn’t last.
Now I’m scared. I hate being scared."[/quote]
hahahahahahahahahahahhahhahaha
I spit my coffee up all over my omelette.[/quote]
I’m eating a turkey sandwich, but yeah, me too.
I’ve decided upon reflection to reword my statement. lol
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]orion wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]csulli wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
My 1:00 appointment has no-showed and for a change I’m all caught up on paperwork and phone calls, so I thought I’d process some feelings.
I’m falling at dizzying speed for Hockey, and it’s scaring me. I don’t know what to do with the intensity of my feelings, which are basically: liking, admiration, and - scariest of all - tentative trust. Everything I want and need is there, including the sex drive and dirty mind. With Tim I was never scared because I knew all along that it probably couldn’t and shouldn’t last.
Now I’m scared. I hate being scared.[/quote]
Sounds like you’re only scared because you think you’re supposed to be scared.[/quote]
Wouldn’t you be scared? Trust is hard, yo. What if he changes his mind about me? What if orion is right about nice guys and I wind up being horrible and unappreciative because of my hamster and then change my mind about him?[/quote]
You can alway step back a little and create a power vacuum that he can fill.
Then you drop hints so that he can properly lead. [/quote]
I’m not even sure what you’re saying here. lol
Expand? Because it sounds as I read it like manipulation, or topping from the bottom.[/quote]
Wouldn’t you need to have a purpose and trying to manipulate him to do a particular thing(s) for it to be manipulation?
You can alway step back a little and create a power vacuum that he can fill. If he properly fills a power vacuum, expressing appreciation is only natural. The weird part is in you creating it. Maybe ‘allowing it to form’ would be better - he only recommended to step back
As opposed to blasting him for getting things wrong. Blasting him is probably not even on your radar, but his was only a recommendation on how to keep it that way
Also I detected sarcasm in both of your posts, so I could be the most confused
[quote]csulli wrote:
[quote]orion wrote:
You can alway step back a little and create a power vacuum that he can fill.
Then you drop hints so that he can properly lead. [/quote]
orion why u make things harder for us?
FTR Em I was always on team Hockey-guy.[/quote]
I know. I’ve been listening.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]orion wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]csulli wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
My 1:00 appointment has no-showed and for a change I’m all caught up on paperwork and phone calls, so I thought I’d process some feelings.
I’m falling at dizzying speed for Hockey, and it’s scaring me. I don’t know what to do with the intensity of my feelings, which are basically: liking, admiration, and - scariest of all - tentative trust. Everything I want and need is there, including the sex drive and dirty mind. With Tim I was never scared because I knew all along that it probably couldn’t and shouldn’t last.
Now I’m scared. I hate being scared.[/quote]
Sounds like you’re only scared because you think you’re supposed to be scared.[/quote]
Wouldn’t you be scared? Trust is hard, yo. What if he changes his mind about me? What if orion is right about nice guys and I wind up being horrible and unappreciative because of my hamster and then change my mind about him?[/quote]
You can alway step back a little and create a power vacuum that he can fill.
Then you drop hints so that he can properly lead. [/quote]
I’m not even sure what you’re saying here. lol
Expand? Because it sounds as I read it like manipulation, or topping from the bottom.[/quote]
Non!
Giving him room to lead is one thing, expecting him to bend to your every whim is another.
If a man leads you while dancing are you “manipulating” him?
[quote]orion wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]orion wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]csulli wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
My 1:00 appointment has no-showed and for a change I’m all caught up on paperwork and phone calls, so I thought I’d process some feelings.
I’m falling at dizzying speed for Hockey, and it’s scaring me. I don’t know what to do with the intensity of my feelings, which are basically: liking, admiration, and - scariest of all - tentative trust. Everything I want and need is there, including the sex drive and dirty mind. With Tim I was never scared because I knew all along that it probably couldn’t and shouldn’t last.
Now I’m scared. I hate being scared.[/quote]
Sounds like you’re only scared because you think you’re supposed to be scared.[/quote]
Wouldn’t you be scared? Trust is hard, yo. What if he changes his mind about me? What if orion is right about nice guys and I wind up being horrible and unappreciative because of my hamster and then change my mind about him?[/quote]
You can alway step back a little and create a power vacuum that he can fill.
Then you drop hints so that he can properly lead. [/quote]
I’m not even sure what you’re saying here. lol
Expand? Because it sounds as I read it like manipulation, or topping from the bottom.[/quote]
Non!
Giving him room to lead is one thing, expecting him to bend to your every whim is another.
If a man leads you while dancing are you “manipulating” him?[/quote]
I don’t think I’m inclined to lead unless there IS a vacuum. I get what you’re saying because I tried the things you suggest in my marriage. Neither of us wanted me to be his mother, so instead when needed I led from behind, to both of our unending frustration. I don’t want that again.
I wouldn’t want a man who would bend to someone else’s every whim. I do expect any reasonable request I make to be accommodated if possible. But I’m not playing power games and am easy-going in general, so I’m not asking anything I believe would come at anyone else’s expense. I’m asking can we watch a movie or go for sushi tonight or spend some time on chores in the morning. That sort of thing. I’m thrilled to accommodate requests of that type, too, because it’s happy-making to know what to do to make someone else happy.
So far with Hockey I lead when we’re hiking, I assume so I can set the pace and he can look at my ass, and when snowshoeing he leads so I can follow in his footsteps. Any other walking we’ve done we were side by side. He’s a hand-holder. Me too! 
[quote]squating_bear wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]orion wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]csulli wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
My 1:00 appointment has no-showed and for a change I’m all caught up on paperwork and phone calls, so I thought I’d process some feelings.
I’m falling at dizzying speed for Hockey, and it’s scaring me. I don’t know what to do with the intensity of my feelings, which are basically: liking, admiration, and - scariest of all - tentative trust. Everything I want and need is there, including the sex drive and dirty mind. With Tim I was never scared because I knew all along that it probably couldn’t and shouldn’t last.
Now I’m scared. I hate being scared.[/quote]
Sounds like you’re only scared because you think you’re supposed to be scared.[/quote]
Wouldn’t you be scared? Trust is hard, yo. What if he changes his mind about me? What if orion is right about nice guys and I wind up being horrible and unappreciative because of my hamster and then change my mind about him?[/quote]
You can alway step back a little and create a power vacuum that he can fill.
Then you drop hints so that he can properly lead. [/quote]
I’m not even sure what you’re saying here. lol
Expand? Because it sounds as I read it like manipulation, or topping from the bottom.[/quote]
Wouldn’t you need to have a purpose and trying to manipulate him to do a particular thing(s) for it to be manipulation?
You can alway step back a little and create a power vacuum that he can fill. If he properly fills a power vacuum, expressing appreciation is only natural. The weird part is in you creating it. Maybe ‘allowing it to form’ would be better - he only recommended to step back
As opposed to blasting him for getting things wrong. Blasting him is probably not even on your radar, but his was only a recommendation on how to keep it that way
Also I detected sarcasm in both of your posts, so I could be the most confused[/quote]
I think I was using the word “hamster” jokingly, but I suppose I’ve been reading TNation long enough to have some fear about somehow becoming mean in response to the classic “nice guy.”
However, I don’t think nice is the problem, I think weak is. I think weak women tend not to be respected, as well - whereas nice, feminine women who know their value are not disrespected. They won’t stand for it. Nice does not = chump. Nice = nice.
There was no sarcasm in my second post. I think confidence either is or is not; you can’t instill it in another person. So my questions to orion were genuine.
[quote]pushharder wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]pushharder wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I told Hockey about TNation this weekend, and my campaign to date and choose better. He handled being told that his behavior and character have been dissected on a bodybuilding forum very well.
[/quote]
Oh boy. LOL.
This must be getting serious for this shoe to drop.
[/quote]
Ha! You’re totally right! I told him about having been a high school dropout, runaway, and filthy street urchin weeks ago.
It took a lot longer to confess about this, lol.[/quote]
Alas, Penelope, I wished you had not done this. It will be a future stumbling block to our afternoon tea sessions because you will know he might be reading along. I’m sure we all anticipate, or had anticipated, following your relationship(s) well into your golden years – the longest running thread in the history of the Nation of Testosterone.
Or did you not tell him on which website you have been processing your feelings?
[/quote]
I did tell, but I was careful to look into the farthest-away distance as I choked out my mumbled and almost inaudible “Testosterone Nation.” And then I immediately changed the subject. So I think I’m fine. Also, his attention was caught by “I was writing a book and I needed bodybuilding info, so. . .” He was more curious about the book than TNation, though he did ask if he has a pseudonym here. I avoided responding to that one, employing an innocent-but-confused look and then answering a different question.
wups - I meant your post and his post
not the two of your posts
personally I think all kinds of crazy things can be instilled in other people. I would imagine that confidence is one of them. It does tend to increase and decrease according to external stimuli
I couldn’t tell you with a straight face that it’s a womans responsibility to engineer that in her man tho. Not that this is what he was saying…
[quote]Chushin wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]Chushin wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
My 1:00 appointment has no-showed and for a change I’m all caught up on paperwork and phone calls, so I thought I’d process some feelings.
I’m falling at dizzying speed for Hockey, and it’s scaring me. I don’t know what to do with the intensity of my feelings, which are basically: liking, admiration, and - scariest of all - tentative trust. Everything I want and need is there, including the sex drive and dirty mind. With Tim I was never scared because I knew all along that it probably couldn’t and shouldn’t last.
Now I’m scared. I hate being scared.[/quote]
Allow me to suggest that you discuss this with him.
[/quote]
What should I say?
Edit: bearing in mind that it’s only been a couple of months.
[/quote]
Emily at a loss for words? No way! 
I don’t know; you could go as deep or as shallow as you want.
After 2 months, I’d probably say something like, “I know it’s only been a couple of months, but I’m really starting to like you, and, to be honest, it scares me a little.” From that point, I can only imagine that a discussion – productive in one way or another – will ensue.
As you know, even if nothing dramatic gets said, the simple act of acknowledging and verbalizing it will often settle some of those feelings down. But I’m guessing that you’ll also get some valuable feedback from him.
Something to consider: What advice would you give a client in this situation? [/quote]
I would say “Be cool, for the love of god!”
No, kidding. I was going to post this morning, after thinking about it a great deal yesterday, that I’m going to say essentially what you’ve suggested. My sense is that he is right there with me, at least in terms of feeling very good about things. But maybe he acts that way all the time and I’m misinterpreting. But I don’t think so. But maybe.
I am increasingly anxious to have the talk.
Edit: Hey, maybe I should have it on Valentine’s Day! I’ve heard men love relationship talks, it would be like a gift! lol
[quote]squating_bear wrote:
wups - I meant your post and his post
not the two of your posts
personally I think all kinds of crazy things can be instilled in other people. I would imagine that confidence is one of them. It does tend to increase and decrease according to external stimuli
I couldn’t tell you with a straight face that it’s a womans responsibility to engineer that in her man tho. Not that this is what he was saying…[/quote]
I think, as someone who does it for a living, that confidence can be built with the help of another. I think feedback from a romantic partner can also increase confidence (“I love your body,” for example) or start breaking it down, but there are limits to what someone can accomplish in terms of confidence-building in another because it requires that the other be actively working on it.
My goal at this point is to avoid men with poor self-esteem or “shaky frames.” I would like to find someone who likes and respects himself for good reason, and whom I can like and respect for all the same reasons.
Assuming I find that man, there should be no power vacuum, because both of us will be working to uplift the other and make life as nice as possible.
But I do fret a bit, because I’ve read so much “beta” talk, which I don’t believe in, exactly, but still. . .
I wouldn’t tell about T-Nation. It’s a little weird to include him on the long conversations you’ve had about your dating life, at least at this stage. It’s almost like you said “Hey I had this long talk with my friends and family and recorded the whole thing and I think you should listen to it!” That’s not deal breaking weird, but it’s pretty wierd. This is kind of like the guy who talks about marrying a girl he’s only been seeing a month, talking about what their kids would look like. I assume that every girl I date is going to talk about me with her friends and family, but I wouldn’t be comfortable sitting in on the conversation.
Now, if you two were still together in 5 or 10 years, then it would be kind of cute. Like if you told him, “Hey, I’m glad you and my sister get along now, she thought you were a total asshole when we first met!”
[quote]Uncle Gabby wrote:
I wouldn’t tell about T-Nation. It’s a little weird to include him on the long conversations you’ve had about your dating life, at least at this stage. It’s almost like you said “Hey I had this long talk with my friends and family and recorded the whole thing and I think you should listen to it!” That’s not deal breaking weird, but it’s pretty wierd. This is kind of like the guy who talks about marrying a girl he’s only been seeing a month, talking about what their kids would look like. I assume that every girl I date is going to talk about me with her friends and family, but I wouldn’t be comfortable sitting in on the conversation.
Now, if you two were still together in 5 or 10 years, then it would be kind of cute. Like if you told him, “Hey, I’m glad you and my sister get along now, she thought you were a total asshole when we first met!”
[/quote]
Yes, but I also feel that it’s odd enough that I hang out here that it bears mentioning due to the nature of the site.
I guess the point is that I AM weird, in a number of ways, but I don’t come off that way. If it’s too weird that I post here, then it is. If my childhood is too shocking, my job too odd, my hair too messy - let’s get it out on the table.
I don’t want TNation to be a dirty little secret that makes him go WTF at some point.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
No, kidding. I was going to post this morning, after thinking about it a great deal yesterday, that I’m going to say essentially what you’ve suggested. My sense is that he is right there with me, at least in terms of feeling very good about things. But maybe he acts that way all the time and I’m misinterpreting. But I don’t think so. But maybe.
I am increasingly anxious to have the talk.
Edit: Hey, maybe I should have it on Valentine’s Day! I’ve heard men love relationship talks, it would be like a gift! lol[/quote]
Do you have any family members who are giving performances nearby? You could always take him to a play…