Let's Process Our Feelings II

Off Topic
461

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

Honestly, I’m not sure two relationships offer much in the way of clear patterns. I also think I’ve shown increasing willingness to ditch at the first sign of poor behavior or mismatch. When I met Tim I was very inexperienced, and he had a lot of good qualities along with the bad. But I know that right from the beginning I was concerned that it was not for the long term, and that I should enjoy it as a casual thing. She knew, too, because we talked about it all. She feels I glossed over problems in my marriage, but in reality I simply didn’t talk about them. I was committed to the relationship and so tried to remain focused on the positive. Also, throwing one’s spouse under the bus to work friends isn’t best practice.

We’re also divided currently in her belief that we share a bent for slightly troubled or depressed men because they’re more interesting/challenging. I now feel I can get my kicks another way. So she’s giving mixed messages; on the one hand I’m ignoring problems and on the other hand I’m going to be bored with a guy who isn’t a moody, self-indulgent nightmare.

As with Dr. P’s therapist I have the sense that my BF is projecting some of her own confusion onto me.

Which isn’t to say that Hockey is my forever man, but I don’t think I’m ignoring things. I have a history of accepting and forgiving things, but it’s not lack of awareness - I notice them and then rationalize them away.

[/quote]

That sounds reasonable.

TBH, the first time I read this, I thought, "Her friend is alone, and doesn’t want to lose the company she provides.

Just a first impression.[/quote]

She’s in a relationship and largely very happy with it. I think she’s partly genuinely concerned that I not get hurt and partly uncomfortable with my move away from angry, depressive types (co-dependency) because it causes her to question her own choice - a grouchy, depressed guy (who’s also very bright and funny and fit and etc). It also leaves her without the support she’s had. Not that I don’t/won’t support her in her relationship, but we’re not currently “in it together,” dealing with the same bewildering stuff and living an exciting shared life of break-ups and make-ups.

In unrelated feelings news, a big pile of roses came yesterday and I’m feeling all happy and shit.

463

[quote]SmilingPolitely wrote:
I don’t know if this fits your premise or not, but here are a few random thoughts…

I started therapy for bipolar when I was 19. Since then I have been to countless therapists all trying to figure out “why” I was like this. The prevailing theory is suppressed trauma from childhood. I’ll have the occasional flash of insight, but by and large, the depth is relatively hidden from me.

For years I have tried to “figure it out” and you know what? That process is exhausting and, I believe, at some point counter productive. I got so lost in trying to figure out WHY my reaction was a certain way that I didn’t spend any time focusing on ways to change how something affected me in the first place.

[/quote]

There’s so much truth here, especially the part about getting bogged down in the process. At this point in my life, I’m interested in making my current relationships more meaningful. It’s almost beside the point why it’s challenging for me. If it turns out my mom didn’t pick me up enough as a baby, how does that change the connectedness I want from people around me?

Chushin: I’d love to get the name of the two books you’re reading.

Em: Thanks for your insight and your livid-ness (lividocity?). I’m still kind of questioning myself because I wonder how a professional could let her reaction get away from herself like that. But I’ve mostly moved on, and I’m googling like crazy with all the great info you all have shared.

I think I’m getting closer to figuring out some stuff about myself and this has been very helpful. I suppose I could even begrudgingly credit the therapist for precipitating the event that caused me to come here.

464

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:

[quote]SmilingPolitely wrote:
I don’t know if this fits your premise or not, but here are a few random thoughts…

I started therapy for bipolar when I was 19. Since then I have been to countless therapists all trying to figure out “why” I was like this. The prevailing theory is suppressed trauma from childhood. I’ll have the occasional flash of insight, but by and large, the depth is relatively hidden from me.

For years I have tried to “figure it out” and you know what? That process is exhausting and, I believe, at some point counter productive. I got so lost in trying to figure out WHY my reaction was a certain way that I didn’t spend any time focusing on ways to change how something affected me in the first place.

[/quote]

There’s so much truth here, especially the part about getting bogged down in the process. At this point in my life, I’m interested in making my current relationships more meaningful. It’s almost beside the point why it’s challenging for me. If it turns out my mom didn’t pick me up enough as a baby, how does that change the connectedness I want from people around me?

Chushin: I’d love to get the name of the two books you’re reading.

Em: Thanks for your insight and your livid-ness (lividocity?). I’m still kind of questioning myself because I wonder how a professional could let her reaction get away from herself like that. But I’ve mostly moved on, and I’m googling like crazy with all the great info you all have shared.

I think I’m getting closer to figuring out some stuff about myself and this has been very helpful. I suppose I could even begrudgingly credit the therapist for precipitating the event that caused me to come here.
[/quote]

I looked at the developmental stuff to get a basic understanding of the root causes of some of my problems. After that though, the challenge becomes rectifying perception with reality. A lot of assumptions on my part had to be broken down to start seeing things differently, and still do. It’s almost like an auto correct that is often wrong.

465

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
It’s almost like an auto correct that is often wrong.
[/quote]

I am going to steal this.

467

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

Honestly, I’m not sure two relationships offer much in the way of clear patterns. I also think I’ve shown increasing willingness to ditch at the first sign of poor behavior or mismatch. When I met Tim I was very inexperienced, and he had a lot of good qualities along with the bad. But I know that right from the beginning I was concerned that it was not for the long term, and that I should enjoy it as a casual thing. She knew, too, because we talked about it all. She feels I glossed over problems in my marriage, but in reality I simply didn’t talk about them. I was committed to the relationship and so tried to remain focused on the positive. Also, throwing one’s spouse under the bus to work friends isn’t best practice.

We’re also divided currently in her belief that we share a bent for slightly troubled or depressed men because they’re more interesting/challenging. I now feel I can get my kicks another way. So she’s giving mixed messages; on the one hand I’m ignoring problems and on the other hand I’m going to be bored with a guy who isn’t a moody, self-indulgent nightmare.

As with Dr. P’s therapist I have the sense that my BF is projecting some of her own confusion onto me.

Which isn’t to say that Hockey is my forever man, but I don’t think I’m ignoring things. I have a history of accepting and forgiving things, but it’s not lack of awareness - I notice them and then rationalize them away.

[/quote]

That sounds reasonable.

TBH, the first time I read this, I thought, "Her friend is alone, and doesn’t want to lose the company she provides.

Just a first impression.[/quote]

…we’re not currently “in it together,” dealing with the same bewildering stuff and living an exciting shared life of break-ups and make-ups.

[/quote]

A variation of what I described?[/quote]

Perhaps I’m “doing that thing I do” but I see it more as worry than subconscious sabotage stuff.

On the other hand, I need her less when I’m not riding a roller coaster of confusion and hurt, and she and I both love to be needed, so. . .

468

My girlfriend is in town for the first time in a long time. It’s nice. I’m pretty happy.

Next week we’ll be celebrating 15 years since we first started dating. Granted, we weren’t together for a good chunk of that time, but it’s still become our de facto anniversary date.

469

[quote]LoRez wrote:
My girlfriend is in town for the first time in a long time. It’s nice. I’m pretty happy.

Next week we’ll be celebrating 15 years since we first started dating. Granted, we weren’t together for a good chunk of that time, but it’s still become our de facto anniversary date.[/quote]

Happy anniversary, LoRez! Still going well?

470

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

Honestly, I’m not sure two relationships offer much in the way of clear patterns. I also think I’ve shown increasing willingness to ditch at the first sign of poor behavior or mismatch. When I met Tim I was very inexperienced, and he had a lot of good qualities along with the bad. But I know that right from the beginning I was concerned that it was not for the long term, and that I should enjoy it as a casual thing. She knew, too, because we talked about it all. She feels I glossed over problems in my marriage, but in reality I simply didn’t talk about them. I was committed to the relationship and so tried to remain focused on the positive. Also, throwing one’s spouse under the bus to work friends isn’t best practice.

We’re also divided currently in her belief that we share a bent for slightly troubled or depressed men because they’re more interesting/challenging. I now feel I can get my kicks another way. So she’s giving mixed messages; on the one hand I’m ignoring problems and on the other hand I’m going to be bored with a guy who isn’t a moody, self-indulgent nightmare.

As with Dr. P’s therapist I have the sense that my BF is projecting some of her own confusion onto me.

Which isn’t to say that Hockey is my forever man, but I don’t think I’m ignoring things. I have a history of accepting and forgiving things, but it’s not lack of awareness - I notice them and then rationalize them away.

[/quote]

That sounds reasonable.

TBH, the first time I read this, I thought, "Her friend is alone, and doesn’t want to lose the company she provides.

Just a first impression.[/quote]

…we’re not currently “in it together,” dealing with the same bewildering stuff and living an exciting shared life of break-ups and make-ups.

[/quote]

A variation of what I described?[/quote]

Okay, had dinner with her last week. It’s worry about her own stuff. She’s afraid of feeling dependent so chooses men who need her (emotionally - they’re financially successful). I’ve unbalanced her by questioning that frame.

Which was what I suspected. She’s too decent a person to ever sabotage anyone, consciously or not.

471

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]LoRez wrote:
My girlfriend is in town for the first time in a long time. It’s nice. I’m pretty happy.

Next week we’ll be celebrating 15 years since we first started dating. Granted, we weren’t together for a good chunk of that time, but it’s still become our de facto anniversary date.[/quote]

Happy anniversary, LoRez! Still going well?[/quote]

Thanks. Yeah, it’s tomorrow. Things are going very well.

473

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

Okay, had dinner with her last week. It’s worry about her own stuff. She’s afraid of feeling dependent so chooses men who need her (emotionally - they’re financially successful). I’ve unbalanced her by questioning that frame.

Which was what I suspected. She’s too decent a person to ever sabotage anyone, consciously or not.

[/quote]

Sounds like a nice lady.

Tell her to join T-Nation; we’ll straighten her out, too.

;-)[/quote]

I could, but then what would she do with her boyfriend? And what would he do without her? He needs her!

She knows about TN. She’s not as enamored of the internet as I am.

475

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

Okay, had dinner with her last week. It’s worry about her own stuff. She’s afraid of feeling dependent so chooses men who need her (emotionally - they’re financially successful). I’ve unbalanced her by questioning that frame.

Which was what I suspected. She’s too decent a person to ever sabotage anyone, consciously or not.

[/quote]

Sounds like a nice lady.

Tell her to join T-Nation; we’ll straighten her out, too.

;-)[/quote]

I could, but then what would she do with her boyfriend? And what would he do without her? He needs her!

She knows about TN. She’s not as enamored of the internet as I am.[/quote]

Ah well; if she don’t want to know, forget her.

:-)[/quote]
couldn’t help myself. does this mean I have no self control?

477

Hockey and I hit the six month mark this weekend. We’re together the majority of the time he’s in town at this point. Still no red flags or irritability on either of our parts - and there have been stressors at this point. The couple of times one of us has had something minor to discuss it’s gone smoothly.

We’re getting sucked up into each other’s families, which of course is important to me. I love his. They’re a funny, irreverent bunch, and they clearly adore one another. His adult nephew and his friends seek Hockey out - we’re going rafting with them in August and that’s the bunch he does winter camping with.

He still makes me laugh, and I think he motivates me to be a better person.

So now my primary feelings are both increased adoration and increased fear that this is somehow not real, or that he’ll get tired of me.

478

Congrats!

Don’t be afraid. Thats the risk of letting good things happen (it might end!). Enjoy. You’ve earned it.

479

Yep, gratz Emily! Had a feeling Hockey was legit.

Hmm, I wonder what he calls you? Barbella?

480

Has is been six months?

My, how our little Emmy is growing up!