I have to work out. I’ll finish responding later. . .
[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
A lot of that changes on both sides over time too (the lovey stuff), in that what is happening now isn’t necessarily what should or will be done in say, 10 years- which is a lead in for me to say that tomorrow is the 10 year anniversary of my wife and I meeting.
And in my opinion, it should. By trying to quantify potential as being maximized it ignores the effects of change on both sides that occurs over time.
[/quote]
I guess that’s today. Congratulations.
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
Ok, very good answer (though I might argue that once the acute-ness of strong feelings is over, they can be changed quite readily)
Now, replace the word “changed” with “processed”.
If I sit on a hot stove, I’ll be burned no matter how much I “process” the idea that I should be able to have a seat.
Take the worst break-up; certainly you’re not saying the pain can’t be “processed” away in a healthy and functional way?
How does one “process” away a third degree burn?
Eh, I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I’m just gnawing on some half-formed ideas and trying to get some feedback; maybe find some terms I can google and try and work something out.[/quote]
I think you’re looking at the word “process” in the wrong way. It’s not really something you -do- to the feeling, not like how process/processed is used as a word elsewhere.
If you’re going to look at it like that though, it’s almost more helpful to invert it, and look at it as the feeling is processing you. When the feeling occurred, what did it do to you, and what can you do to alter the way that feeling impacts you in the future? It’s more reactive than proactive.
We’ve got however many millions of years that went into emotionally analyzing our environment, before we really developed the ability to cognitively analyze it. There are a lot of cases where the emotional input is able to pick up on things you can’t cognitively make sense of (yet). Stuff like “something feels off, but I’m not sure why”.
But since we are actually human, we can choose to act however we want. We can use the emotional input to inform our actions without letting it dictate our actions.
I think where people really run into trouble is when they expect emotions to be logical, when really they’re two separate things. Emotions don’t behave logically. Logic doesn’t behave emotionally.
With the wrong premises, a logic conclusion can be completely wrong. Without enough input, we can start with the wrong premises. Even then there’s still a delay since you have to pre-process raw input into meaningful constructs before you can really process it.
On the other hand, you can emotionally process your environment without needing that preprocessing step. It can work with just the raw input, and thus much faster.
So, take something like the flinch response. Something’s flying at your face, and you duck out of the way or block it. Your body is able to respond to these changes in the environment and produce a reaction before your mind is able to actually process what’s happening. It doesn’t really matter if it’s a fist or a basketball or who’s responsible in order for the body to take some action.
Now, if you were alert, aware, and had a good mental model of your environment, you’d probably be able to make a more informed decision… e.g., blocking the punch, or catching the basketball.
At least at this point, my view of emotions is mostly like that. They’re a natural, instinctual response to environmental input (some of which I’m consciously aware of, and some of which I’m not). If I don’t at least pay some attention to what my emotional response is, I might miss something important. But I don’t have to let it dictate what my ultimate action is.
On the other hand, since emotions seem to be more a biological phenomena, they undergo the same patterns of rising in intensity, sticking around for a bit, and then going away. Even in the best case, when you leave things alone and the trigger is no longer relevant, it’s still just a matter of time for them to dissipate.
If you’re prone to ruminate, you end up keeping them around much longer than they’d naturally be around; you just keep triggering it over and over by mentally repeating the situation(s) that caused it in the first place. (I’d actually say some of this has to do with the way we associatively store memories; if something makes you angry, you’re more prone to remember other things that make you angry.)
Likewise, they also have similar properties to hunger and tiredness and the need to breathe – if suppressed long enough, they WILL get the upper hand. But, like hunger and tiredness and breathing, as long as you have decent habits in place to respond to those emotions, things rarely become a problem.
I was kind of all over the place with my rambling, but there. There’s my current thoughts on things.
Chush and Em:
Thank you both for weighing in. I barely slept last night, woke up this morning and started cleaning - it’s what I do when I’m agitated and need to think. The upside is, my house is spotless!
I’m at a point now where I’m just really upset with myself for not seeing this coming. The GF and I went to see her because we were experiencing some blended family issues and were stuck. And she was great, really got us talking again in productive, honest ways and back on the right track. Then, at week 8 when the GF and I said we thought we were in a good place, the therapist went on what I could only call a fishing expedition. Week 9, she determined that by not emotionally breaking down (her words!) in front of my GF more often, I was purposefully keeping my GF helpless and infantalized.
I wasn’t understanding this at all and it got to the point where she encouraged me to make up crises to help foster intimacy between my GF and I. At one point I said to both of them, “I’m going to ignore everything that’s been said over the last 2 sessions because it’s not helpful to me. That’s not who I am and that’s not what I do. However, what I hear “Lilly” (my GF) saying is that she wants more opportunities to feel close to me and I will work with her to find those opportunities. Now can we please move on to something more productive”
And that’s when the therapist snapped and said that I suffered from an avoidant personality and likely have oppositional defiance disorder and all the other stuff I mentioned in my first post.
I’m still upset about the whole thing, but mostly I’m pissed at myself because I have experience with couples therapy and I’ve seen these fishing expeditions happen before, but mostly because I can count the number of people I could be honest and open with on one hand: 2 former romantic partners, one current, and 2 therapists and she was one of them. And it galls me to no fucking end that I trusted her and she turned on me. I’ve been pushed therapeutically before, in fact the other therapist who I value knew how to push, and hard. This was a sucker punch as my GF and I were heading out the door.
Cliff notes:
I feel stupid for trusting her
Betrayed
Angry that she got one more co-pay out of me, but mostly
Angry at myself for not seeing this coming
And helpless because by the end I was so triggered that any reaction on my part most likely would’ve consisted of me walking out trailing F bombs behind me, so I just sat there like a chump.
Anyways, this has been very helpful and now I have to go fold laundry.
[quote]LoRez wrote:
[/quote]
There’s some gold in here. I’m going to print it out and go sit on my deck and read it over a few times.
Thanks for putting your thoughts down.
[quote]LoRez wrote:
[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
A lot of that changes on both sides over time too (the lovey stuff), in that what is happening now isn’t necessarily what should or will be done in say, 10 years- which is a lead in for me to say that tomorrow is the 10 year anniversary of my wife and I meeting.
And in my opinion, it should. By trying to quantify potential as being maximized it ignores the effects of change on both sides that occurs over time.
[/quote]
I guess that’s today. Congratulations.[/quote]
Happy anniversary, Skyz!
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
Chush and Em:
Thank you both for weighing in. I barely slept last night, woke up this morning and started cleaning - it’s what I do when I’m agitated and need to think. The upside is, my house is spotless!
I’m at a point now where I’m just really upset with myself for not seeing this coming. The GF and I went to see her because we were experiencing some blended family issues and were stuck. And she was great, really got us talking again in productive, honest ways and back on the right track. Then, at week 8 when the GF and I said we thought we were in a good place, the therapist went on what I could only call a fishing expedition. Week 9, she determined that by not emotionally breaking down (her words!) in front of my GF more often, I was purposefully keeping my GF helpless and infantalized.
I wasn’t understanding this at all and it got to the point where she encouraged me to make up crises to help foster intimacy between my GF and I. At one point I said to both of them, “I’m going to ignore everything that’s been said over the last 2 sessions because it’s not helpful to me. That’s not who I am and that’s not what I do. However, what I hear “Lilly” (my GF) saying is that she wants more opportunities to feel close to me and I will work with her to find those opportunities. Now can we please move on to something more productive”
And that’s when the therapist snapped and said that I suffered from an avoidant personality and likely have oppositional defiance disorder and all the other stuff I mentioned in my first post.
I’m still upset about the whole thing, but mostly I’m pissed at myself because I have experience with couples therapy and I’ve seen these fishing expeditions happen before, but mostly because I can count the number of people I could be honest and open with on one hand: 2 former romantic partners, one current, and 2 therapists and she was one of them. And it galls me to no fucking end that I trusted her and she turned on me. I’ve been pushed therapeutically before, in fact the other therapist who I value knew how to push, and hard. This was a sucker punch as my GF and I were heading out the door.
Cliff notes:
I feel stupid for trusting her
Betrayed
Angry that she got one more co-pay out of me, but mostly
Angry at myself for not seeing this coming
And helpless because by the end I was so triggered that any reaction on my part most likely would’ve consisted of me walking out trailing F bombs behind me, so I just sat there like a chump.
Anyways, this has been very helpful and now I have to go fold laundry.[/quote]
Try not to beat yourself up dude. Therapists are only people too, subject to the same psychological issues and weaknesses they aim to alleviate in others. Sounds like she started using her sessions as a soapbox to take out some of her prior issues with men on you. I’m glad she was able to help you and your partner, but I would bet she could benefit from her own therapy on dealing with some of these things she was projecting onto you.
Dr. P 
I’d be pissed too.
So I was promoted a while ago and I’ve been doing really great at work and being a super star and a hero and getting crazy amounts of kudos. And then I was killing myself getting my most recent project deployed the last couple of weeks and it was a huge deal and I pulled it off and more go Deb, CEO and CIO love me now…But this past week they fired and retired 150 people from my office. I was unscathed because I’ve been doing so well but so many people so close to me lost their jobs and I am feeling sooooo goddamn guilty. The day they walked around firing everyone the CEO came over to my desk to give me a personal thank you and blah blah and then HR started telling my friends to pack up. I know me getting all this attention is pissing everyone else off, or I think it must be. What a shitty fucking feeling.
I knew it was coming too and had some inside info on that it was going to go down but I couldn’t warn anyone. But I made a decision a while ago that I worked hard and deserve to keep my job and others well not so much so I was going to be ok with it but then in reality I feel terrible and am not ok with that way of thinking.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]LoRez wrote:
[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
A lot of that changes on both sides over time too (the lovey stuff), in that what is happening now isn’t necessarily what should or will be done in say, 10 years- which is a lead in for me to say that tomorrow is the 10 year anniversary of my wife and I meeting.
And in my opinion, it should. By trying to quantify potential as being maximized it ignores the effects of change on both sides that occurs over time.
[/quote]
I guess that’s today. Congratulations.[/quote]
Happy anniversary, Skyz![/quote]
Thank You! We just got back from dinner at the place we went to on our first date, except this time it was three of us.
Deb:
It’s a shitty situation all around. I know you’re feeling guilty right now, but I’m happy for you, that you’re kicking ass and taking names.
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
Deb:
It’s a shitty situation all around. I know you’re feeling guilty right now, but I’m happy for you, that you’re kicking ass and taking names. [/quote]
Thanks Dr. P :)))
[quote]debraD wrote:
Dr. P I’d be pissed too.
So I was promoted a while ago and I’ve been doing really great at work and being a super star and a hero and getting crazy amounts of kudos. And then I was killing myself getting my most recent project deployed the last couple of weeks and it was a huge deal and I pulled it off and more go Deb, CEO and CIO love me now…But this past week they fired and retired 150 people from my office. I was unscathed because I’ve been doing so well but so many people so close to me lost their jobs and I am feeling sooooo goddamn guilty. The day they walked around firing everyone the CEO came over to my desk to give me a personal thank you and blah blah and then HR started telling my friends to pack up. I know me getting all this attention is pissing everyone else off, or I think it must be. What a shitty fucking feeling.
I knew it was coming too and had some inside info on that it was going to go down but I couldn’t warn anyone. But I made a decision a while ago that I worked hard and deserve to keep my job and others well not so much so I was going to be ok with it but then in reality I feel terrible and am not ok with that way of thinking.
[/quote]
Deb, I’m sorry. Sorry for your friends, sorry that you’re dealing with survivor’s guilt, and sorry that your golden moment in the sun has been tarnished by a giant blast of suck.
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
Chush and Em:
Thank you both for weighing in. I barely slept last night, woke up this morning and started cleaning - it’s what I do when I’m agitated and need to think. The upside is, my house is spotless!
I’m at a point now where I’m just really upset with myself for not seeing this coming. The GF and I went to see her because we were experiencing some blended family issues and were stuck. And she was great, really got us talking again in productive, honest ways and back on the right track. Then, at week 8 when the GF and I said we thought we were in a good place, the therapist went on what I could only call a fishing expedition. Week 9, she determined that by not emotionally breaking down (her words!) in front of my GF more often, I was purposefully keeping my GF helpless and infantalized.
I wasn’t understanding this at all and it got to the point where she encouraged me to make up crises to help foster intimacy between my GF and I. At one point I said to both of them, “I’m going to ignore everything that’s been said over the last 2 sessions because it’s not helpful to me. That’s not who I am and that’s not what I do. However, what I hear “Lilly” (my GF) saying is that she wants more opportunities to feel close to me and I will work with her to find those opportunities. Now can we please move on to something more productive”
And that’s when the therapist snapped and said that I suffered from an avoidant personality and likely have oppositional defiance disorder and all the other stuff I mentioned in my first post.
I’m still upset about the whole thing, but mostly I’m pissed at myself because I have experience with couples therapy and I’ve seen these fishing expeditions happen before, but mostly because I can count the number of people I could be honest and open with on one hand: 2 former romantic partners, one current, and 2 therapists and she was one of them. And it galls me to no fucking end that I trusted her and she turned on me. I’ve been pushed therapeutically before, in fact the other therapist who I value knew how to push, and hard. This was a sucker punch as my GF and I were heading out the door.
Cliff notes:
I feel stupid for trusting her
Betrayed
Angry that she got one more co-pay out of me, but mostly
Angry at myself for not seeing this coming
And helpless because by the end I was so triggered that any reaction on my part most likely would’ve consisted of me walking out trailing F bombs behind me, so I just sat there like a chump.
Anyways, this has been very helpful and now I have to go fold laundry.[/quote]
I’m absolutely gobsmacked by this whole thing. Oppositional Defiant Disorder? WTF? This is something kids get labeled with when their parents can’t behave in a predictable and consistent manner and the kids turn into truculent assholes. It’s not something an intelligent man seeking to improve his relationship with his long term girlfriend gets smacked with.
Chushin’s right, of course. I would have reacted the same way. When confused by the behavior of another, particularly when it’s startling and I need time to analyze, I default to polite.
I am livid on your behalf.
[quote]Chushin wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]Chushin wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
For the record, I’m so damned crazy about Hockey I can hardly manage myself. Magazine Club is tired of listening to me gush about him and my best friend threatens to avoid me if I don’t stop being so obnoxiously happy.[/quote]
Well, congrats then.
How long has it been?
Seems you done good!
How about a sample gush?[/quote]
Be patient! I was beginning my gush, but it was late and it’s hard to narrow it all down. So I decided to think about it as I went to sleep.
In answer to your first question, our first date was December 7th. First chaste kiss wasn’t until New Year’s Eve! So not long, but we’re definitely a couple now.
It just keeps getting better and better - I never knew things could be this nice. I don’t know that I say very much specific stuff at magazine club because there are a couple of single women there who don’t want to be. Hockey caught their attention at the first meeting with the two dozen tulips and two dozen roses, which I’d divided into four (five?) vases. Flowers were everywhere. So they’ll ask if I’m still seeing him and how it’s going and I say something like “It’s perfect; I like him so much” and answer any questions, but I think it’s my non-verbals. Because I like him so much! My best friend gets more, but she’s still insisting that I’m “doing that thing you do,” seeing only the good. I disagree. I’m alert to negatives. Have I mentioned his malapropisms and mispronunciations? I question mild dyslexia because he reads a great deal and has a strong vocabulary, but seems weak in letter-relationship awareness or something.
But that’s not gushing. . .let’s see. . .I like his integrity and calm. From what I can tell his inside perfectly matches his outside - he’s structurally sound. He buys American when he can, but without being a weird, insular bigot. When a business fails to meet expectations, he simply stops doing business. No giant flap, just a quiet decision. He doesn’t hesitate to express negative stuff, but does it politely and intelligently.
He’s patient and frugal. He seems to have a list of things he’d like to buy used and keeps an eye out for them. He’s looking for a tractor (he has 150 acres and is improving it himself), which he’ll buy used, use, and then sell to recoup the investment. He bought a canoe new last week after looking for one for a couple of years. He decided that saving $1500 on a 20 year old canoe wasn’t a good enough deal to continue waiting to replace his old one (bought used, lasted him 20 years). I admire that. On the other hand, he’s not cheap at all.
He continues to make me laugh. I just like being around him. He’s interesting to talk to and knowledgeable about all sorts of things I’m not. Any time we disagree (e.g. does popped popcorn have fiber) we grab our phones and check to see who’s right. We’re running about 50/50.
The physical stuff. . .ORION I HAVE A REPORT FROM THE FIELD RE: NICE GUYS. . .also keeps getting better and better. He’s becoming more aggressive as we move forward, which I like. In fact I now see him as being extremely aggressive, but quietly and confidently so rather than the more combative aggression I was used to with Tim and my ex-husband. Or maybe aggressive isn’t the right word for Hockey, I’m not sure. On the other hand, he likes aggressive sports played aggressively, so maybe it is. Anyway, sex is going from satisfying to breathless.
I like him so much. I’m trying not to be fearful that nothing is really this good and worried about shoes dropping, and mostly succeeding.
[/quote]
Ok, well, since Skyz is throwing numbers around, I’m working on my 19th year of marital bliss, so listen carefully to what I say!
He he. Just joshing.
Clearly, four months is still pretty “honeymoon,” but you seem to be in love for the right reasons, and heading in a good direction, so good for you!
I have no doubt that some of that euphoria will fade with time, but as Skyz says, that is as it should be.
I have just a tad of concern that your best friend sees the same pattern, but hopefully that’s just a matter of her perception rather than your behavior.
I’m happy for you. [/quote]
Honestly, I’m not sure two relationships offer much in the way of clear patterns. I also think I’ve shown increasing willingness to ditch at the first sign of poor behavior or mismatch. When I met Tim I was very inexperienced, and he had a lot of good qualities along with the bad. But I know that right from the beginning I was concerned that it was not for the long term, and that I should enjoy it as a casual thing. She knew, too, because we talked about it all. She feels I glossed over problems in my marriage, but in reality I simply didn’t talk about them. I was committed to the relationship and so tried to remain focused on the positive. Also, throwing one’s spouse under the bus to work friends isn’t best practice.
We’re also divided currently in her belief that we share a bent for slightly troubled or depressed men because they’re more interesting/challenging. I now feel I can get my kicks another way. So she’s giving mixed messages; on the one hand I’m ignoring problems and on the other hand I’m going to be bored with a guy who isn’t a moody, self-indulgent nightmare.
As with Dr. P’s therapist I have the sense that my BF is projecting some of her own confusion onto me.
Which isn’t to say that Hockey is my forever man, but I don’t think I’m ignoring things. I have a history of accepting and forgiving things, but it’s not lack of awareness - I notice them and then rationalize them away.
[quote]debraD wrote:
Dr. P I’d be pissed too.
So I was promoted a while ago and I’ve been doing really great at work and being a super star and a hero and getting crazy amounts of kudos. And then I was killing myself getting my most recent project deployed the last couple of weeks and it was a huge deal and I pulled it off and more go Deb, CEO and CIO love me now…But this past week they fired and retired 150 people from my office. I was unscathed because I’ve been doing so well but so many people so close to me lost their jobs and I am feeling sooooo goddamn guilty. The day they walked around firing everyone the CEO came over to my desk to give me a personal thank you and blah blah and then HR started telling my friends to pack up. I know me getting all this attention is pissing everyone else off, or I think it must be. What a shitty fucking feeling.
I knew it was coming too and had some inside info on that it was going to go down but I couldn’t warn anyone. But I made a decision a while ago that I worked hard and deserve to keep my job and others well not so much so I was going to be ok with it but then in reality I feel terrible and am not ok with that way of thinking.
[/quote]
It’s great you’re being recognized for your work, but, I know you feel bad. it’s just part of life as a working stiff.
when I got out of the military I started working at private shipyards. when a contract was through 90% of the workforce was laid off and you went to whoever had the next contract. one time we were having a party to celebrate finishing under time. during the party, management started walking around handing out pinkslips, “congratulations…you’re gone.”
I used to work at the Charleston Naval Ship Yard. it was a job I really loved and hoped to retire from when the gov started it’s DoD cuts. watched myself and 3500+ others, not counting all the subcontractors(10000+), lose their jobs. no one went postal but there were some close calls. some got gov job offers elsewhere but as a vet I was kryptonite. no one wanted to hire vets as we would have seniority over non-vets. glad to know I was appreciated.
I’ve been through a couple of RIFs at my current job and it’s always a stressful time. you just have to do your best and weather the storm.
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
Questions for anyone: Why are feelings important when they can be so easily changed? For example, if I’m feeling sad I can choose to indulge the sadness or I can tell myself I don’t want to live in sadness and choose to live another way.
Feelings are highly subjective and wholly dependent upon their context for meaning. Why would anyone trust their feelings at all, let alone use them to guide life decisions?
[/quote]
I don’t know if this fits your premise or not, but here are a few random thoughts…
I started therapy for bipolar when I was 19. Since then I have been to countless therapists all trying to figure out “why” I was like this. The prevailing theory is suppressed trauma from childhood. I’ll have the occasional flash of insight, but by and large, the depth is relatively hidden from me.
For years I have tried to “figure it out” and you know what? That process is exhausting and, I believe, at some point counter productive. I got so lost in trying to figure out WHY my reaction was a certain way that I didn’t spend any time focusing on ways to change how something affected me in the first place.
As an oversimplified example, I am terrified of snakes. Now, I could study all of the literature about how humans are biologically programmed to fear snakes because of our ancestors. I can also look back and recall how my sister used to delight in chasing me around the yard with the occasional garter snake when we were younger. I can find empirical evidence as to why I get scared when I see a snake.
Great, but how does that help me if I encounter a snake? If I want to avoid screaming like a little girl and throwing the nearest item at it, I need to change my reaction to the sight of a snake. It doesn’t mean that the fear isn’t there, but I have to learn to acknowledge that while I have that fear, I don’t have to let it dictate my behavior.
I worked with a great therapist who helped me to reprogram how my brain interpreted various stimuli and triggers. It continues to be a work in progress. There are some things that I know will cause a certain reaction and I am able to recognize that threat before it happens and emerge from the situation relatively unscathed.
There are also times that I still get blind sided. However, it is easier for me now to realize it is happening, acknowledge it and work to calm myself down.
For example, about a year ago, I drove down to see my bf. He had been away on a business trip for a while and, being one who is not necessarily that disturbed by taking a luke warm shower, had forgotten to turn the temp back up on the hot water heater. As is usual for my weekends there, I arrived on Friday a few hours before he got out of work. I’ll usually chill out for a bit and then shower and start to cook dinner for when he gets home. That day, however, the water was, to me, frigid.
My reaction to it, however, was completely off the deep end. For some reason, I took it as a personal affront; that he didn’t care enough to leave me with hot water. As I stood there in the cold water, I rapidly equated this with a sign that the relationship was over. I am not kidding. This actually went through my mind.
I also realized that I was being completely ridiculous. I couldn’t stop the feelings inside, but I knew myself well enough to recognize that I was being bat shit insane. I didn’t call, text, or email him while I was like this (and luckily he didn’t randomly contact me). By the time he got home, I had calmed down and was able to laugh about my reaction, but, at the time, I would have blown up at him.
Luckily, he knows me well enough to realize when I suddenly become quiet or non-communicative, that it is best to just leave me alone. That if something major was going on, I would let him know, but if I pull away, it is because I need to sort through shit before acting on anything.
I am also very lucky to have found someone who is OK with this. I have been in bad relationships with people who didn’t understand it at all. I would get quiet or walk away and they would push and push until I exploded in a rather irrational way to a rather inconsequential matter. They viewed it as me being unemotional and detached. It also didn’t help that I almost intentionally sought out overly emotional partners (read: musicians).
I guess what I am saying is that all of the same feelings are there, but my reaction to them has changed. To finish off with your hot stove metaphor… I can see a hot stove and go no where near it for fear I will get burned. I can burn myself, look down at the red skin and do nothing about it. Or I can burn myself and immediately run my hand under cool water to mitigate the future damage that could be caused by doing nothing.
[quote]SmilingPolitely wrote:
There are also times that I still get blind sided. However, it is easier for me now to realize it is happening, acknowledge it and work to calm myself down.
For example, about a year ago, I drove down to see my bf. He had been away on a business trip for a while and, being one who is not necessarily that disturbed by taking a luke warm shower, had forgotten to turn the temp back up on the hot water heater. As is usual for my weekends there, I arrived on Friday a few hours before he got out of work. I’ll usually chill out for a bit and then shower and start to cook dinner for when he gets home. That day, however, the water was, to me, frigid.
My reaction to it, however, was completely off the deep end. For some reason, I took it as a personal affront; that he didn’t care enough to leave me with hot water. As I stood there in the cold water, I rapidly equated this with a sign that the relationship was over. I am not kidding. This actually went through my mind.
I also realized that I was being completely ridiculous. I couldn’t stop the feelings inside, but I knew myself well enough to recognize that I was being bat shit insane. I didn’t call, text, or email him while I was like this (and luckily he didn’t randomly contact me). By the time he got home, I had calmed down and was able to laugh about my reaction, but, at the time, I would have blown up at him.
[/quote]
I can so relate to the “relationship is over” thing. One of the things that has confused me is how to find the balance between not allowing old stuff to rule me and reacting appropriately to objectively intolerable things. I lose all clarity once I’m attached to someone.