Let's Process Our Feelings II

[LoRez]

[quote]Chushin wrote:
Some random thoughts, as I type on my phone after midnight amidst my rather heavy jet lag.[/quote]

I appreciate that.

- One could possibly argue that she has responded to your “therapy” and has improved. Any significant relationship has the potential to help people grow (though I agree with Em that thinking of yourself as, or taking responsibility for, changing her is a very bad idea.

I don’t think I’m doing that. I’ve been trying to make it clear when her behavior is disrupting the relationship, but let her decide what to do about it (and if she wants to do something).

[quote]- Are you comparing the frequency of problems when you live apart to that of living together?

• Living apart is NOT an accurate reflection of what living together would be. It WILL get worse, IMO
  [/quote]

Most of the time when we were together, we were living together. We kept separate apartments for our clothes, but everything else was together.

The frequency has actually been around the same, both ways. Prior to her moving, we were living together.

The bigger issue with the distance is, well, the distance. We only have an outline of each others life outside of the time we spend on the phone, so there’s factors that affect each of us that might not be obvious to the other.

E.g., there might be things stressing her out that I’m just not aware of, because I never asked and she didn’t communicate.

- That “out of the blue” nature of her behavior is, IMO, a huge red flag.

Ok.

I mean, I’m tempted to rationalize it as her not having good self-awareness of her stress level and when things snap, it’s toward me. But I realize that’s just a rationalization and may not be true.

- Is that “down the rabbit hole” approach to disagreements / arguments typical, or does she more often discuss reasonably? IME, HOW you argue is a crucial determinant of success / failure.

That’s pretty typical. Higher intelligence pretty much just shuts down, and she gets very defensive and logically inconsistent. In the [distant past, couple years ago], oftentimes she’d just walk away and not interact at all for a few days. I think the fact that she stays engaged is a little better, and she seems to be a little more aware (after the fact) of how defensive she got. It’s still bad, it’s still not discussion, but it’s closer.

During, she’s externalizing everything; when she snaps at something, she’ll say I’m too sensitive and overreacting; when she escalates things, she says I’m the one escalating things. On one level, it’s actually pretty fascinating to watch, except that I’m not really an impartial observer. Afterwards, she now acknowledges at least some of her role.

- I’m tempted to say that that "It’s only X number of days; not bad enough to end it! (but not as I want it, either) is often heard from both borderline partners and codependents, but I’m not comfortable outright claiming that.

Understood. It’s something I’ll keep in mind and mull over for the next long while.

Codependent is probably accurate for a few years ago. I’ve made a lot of progress since then, but my judgment could still be pretty hazy.

You seem like a good guy, Lorez. I hope this all works out for you.

I’m sure it will, one way or another. Thanks.

[LoRez]

And 7000 posts. Congrats I guess? Is that the right thing to say?

[SkyzykS]

[quote]Chushin wrote:

Hey. Please check your email.[/quote]

Got it! Thanks for the reminder.

[SkyzykS]

[quote]Chushin wrote:
Had a very nice lunch today with Skyz, with whom I was very favorably impressed.

The man is one of the good guys.[/quote]

I just logged on to say the same thing! I had a great time, and can’t think of a better way to have spent a nice Sunday afternoon.

Next time I’ll have to bring the wife and son along too.

[EmilyQ]

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]MightyMouse17 wrote:
Good luck! Theres a decent amount of couples playing where I do and they seem to have a good time.[/quote]

I narrowly escaped a co-ed broomball scare last week. Luckily no one was there when we went to check it out, and ice sports are getting ready to end at the place. Whew! I do NOT want to chase balls around on ice with a funky broom wearing funky sneakers, but alas, such is my nature that I could probably be talked into it. And I’d probably have fun! But in theory I’m completely against it.

Curling, too, lol. NON.

[/quote]
Broomball is awesome. I went to a school with 15,000 people and around 2,000 played in an intramural broomball league. Tons of fun. Funky sneakers not required, but they make life a lot easier.[/quote]

Okay, you’ve talked me into it. Next winter, WITH the funky sneakers, because I long for the easy life.

[EmilyQ]

[quote]Chushin wrote:
Had a very nice lunch today with Skyz, with whom I was very favorably impressed.

The man is one of the good guys.[/quote]

So jelly.

[EmilyQ]

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]Chushin wrote:
Had a very nice lunch today with Skyz, with whom I was very favorably impressed.

The man is one of the good guys.[/quote]

So jelly. :([/quote]

I invited you!

If you were able to reveal your secret location, perhaps I could do as I’ve done with others and use a nearby airport on my way in or out of the US…

But you you’ll be happy to know that your name came up ;-)[/quote]

Uh-oh! Was that what my itchy ears were all about? I assumed it was my neighbors again. . .

[Der_Steppenwolfe]

Are these things that you take to the extreme?

Yes. I never seem to stop until I’m totally wiped out, physically and mentally. It could maybe be genetic- my mother’s the same and so are all the men in our family. Thanks for your comment.

Coping strategies geared to managing what?

Both stress and anger management, he says.

[SkyzykS]

[quote]Der_Steppenwolfe wrote:

Are these things that you take to the extreme?

Yes. I never seem to stop until I’m totally wiped out, physically and mentally. It could maybe be genetic- my mother’s the same and so are all the men in our family. Thanks for your comment.

Coping strategies geared to managing what?

Both stress and anger management, he says.[/quote]

Could be. For me it was escape. I was always into high adrenaline activity that requires 100% focus coupled with high physical exertion. You aren’t thinking about anything else when ripping down an icy double black diamond and launching off of a head wall or biking down steep winding trail tightly lined with oak trees like you have no brakes.

Awesome for the thrills and spills but not a great coping mechanism.

On an entirely different note- I just witnessed a moment of unbridled baby cuteness. “Jake and The Never Land Pirates” came on and my kiddo jumped down from his chair, onto his little pirate ship scooter and started scooting around the room to watch the show in his boat.

Feels good, happy.

[LoRez]

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:

[quote]Der_Steppenwolfe wrote:

Are these things that you take to the extreme?

Yes. I never seem to stop until I’m totally wiped out, physically and mentally. It could maybe be genetic- my mother’s the same and so are all the men in our family. Thanks for your comment.

Coping strategies geared to managing what?

Both stress and anger management, he says.[/quote]

Could be. For me it was escape. I was always into high adrenaline activity that requires 100% focus coupled with high physical exertion. You aren’t thinking about anything else when ripping down an icy double black diamond and launching off of a head wall or biking down steep winding trail tightly lined with oak trees like you have no brakes.

Awesome for the thrills and spills but not a great coping mechanism.

[/quote]

I do the same thing, with intellectual pursuits. I’ve gotten better at reigning it in, but it’s hard to keep myself from chastising myself for being less “productive” this way. I mean, because I’m really not getting nearly as much awesome stuff done as I used to. But when I start down that path, I lose days or weeks at a time, and everything falls apart.

I’ve been a little better when there’s a stable routine I can work around; with high school it was built around school, track/cross-country, band, and piano. Since that point, college included, I’ve never had much of a framework, and never succeeded at building one.

Obviously this caused plenty of tension between my girlfriend and I. Even when I stay away from that stuff at home, I’ve had to just cut myself short at work, otherwise I’ll work late nights on stuff I find interesting. (Fortunately, I’ve been very good at keeping “what I find interesting” in line with “what they pay me to do”.)

I’ve started to get some decent structure in my life now though… a little bit, not much, but some.

And I’m starting to find ways to push the envelope/performance/intensity without letting the rest fall apart. Realistically, I probably have another year or two before I’ve found a good balance.

In all honesty, I really kind of wish there was some external mandatory framework that I could latch on to. Someone to tell me what to do, and to set the boundaries, so that I can excel within them.

[SkyzykS]

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:

[quote]Der_Steppenwolfe wrote:

Are these things that you take to the extreme?

Yes. I never seem to stop until I’m totally wiped out, physically and mentally. It could maybe be genetic- my mother’s the same and so are all the men in our family. Thanks for your comment.

Coping strategies geared to managing what?

Both stress and anger management, he says.[/quote]

Could be. For me it was escape. I was always into high adrenaline activity that requires 100% focus coupled with high physical exertion. You aren’t thinking about anything else when ripping down an icy double black diamond and launching off of a head wall or biking down steep winding trail tightly lined with oak trees like you have no brakes.

Awesome for the thrills and spills but not a great coping mechanism.

[/quote]

I do the same thing, with intellectual pursuits. I’ve gotten better at reigning it in, but it’s hard to keep myself from chastising myself for being less “productive” this way. I mean, because I’m really not getting nearly as much awesome stuff done as I used to. But when I start down that path, I lose days or weeks at a time, and everything falls apart.

I’ve been a little better when there’s a stable routine I can work around; with high school it was built around school, track/cross-country, band, and piano. Since that point, college included, I’ve never had much of a framework, and never succeeded at building one.

Obviously this caused plenty of tension between my girlfriend and I. Even when I stay away from that stuff at home, I’ve had to just cut myself short at work, otherwise I’ll work late nights on stuff I find interesting. (Fortunately, I’ve been very good at keeping “what I find interesting” in line with “what they pay me to do”.)

I’ve started to get some decent structure in my life now though… a little bit, not much, but some.

And I’m starting to find ways to push the envelope/performance/intensity without letting the rest fall apart. Realistically, I probably have another year or two before I’ve found a good balance.

In all honesty, I really kind of wish there was some external mandatory framework that I could latch on to. Someone to tell me what to do, and to set the boundaries, so that I can excel within them.[/quote]

That is a funny thing about the external framework. I’ve found that in the work place to some extent, but then there is the other edge of that blade. When you are good at what you do and enthusiastic there is no end of the day even when you would really like it to end.

Intermittently I’ve considered starting my own business but the last time me and a friend from high school did that we turned it into 15-18 hr. days for oh, about 5 years. Smashing success but nothing existed outside of that.

[Der_Steppenwolfe]

Could be. For me it was escape. I was always into high adrenaline activity that requires 100% focus coupled with high physical exertion. You aren’t thinking about anything else when ripping down an icy double black diamond and launching off of a head wall or biking down steep winding trail tightly lined with oak trees like you have no brakes.

That’s pretty much it- I ride bikes (motorbikes and pushbikes), run, swim and kayak. Problem is, it’s wintertime so going on the actual river is off limits until I get my roll absolutely bombproof.
I suppose you’re right, it’s not a good coping mechanism if you could die doing it.

On an entirely different note- I just witnessed a moment of unbridled baby cuteness. “Jake and The Never Land Pirates” came on and my kiddo jumped down from his chair, onto his little pirate ship scooter and started scooting around the room to watch the show in his boat.

That is so cute. Just, like, so cute.

[EmilyQ]

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:

On an entirely different note- I just witnessed a moment of unbridled baby cuteness. “Jake and The Never Land Pirates” came on and my kiddo jumped down from his chair, onto his little pirate ship scooter and started scooting around the room to watch the show in his boat.

Feels good, happy.
[/quote]

That is good and happy.

[EmilyQ]

[quote]Chushin wrote:

But you you’ll be happy to know that your name came up ;-)[/quote]

You’ll be surprised to hear that curiosity about this is killing me. In what context? WHAT WAS SAID? lol

[SkyzykS]

[quote]Der_Steppenwolfe wrote:

Could be. For me it was escape. I was always into high adrenaline activity that requires 100% focus coupled with high physical exertion. You aren’t thinking about anything else when ripping down an icy double black diamond and launching off of a head wall or biking down steep winding trail tightly lined with oak trees like you have no brakes.

That’s pretty much it- I ride bikes (motorbikes and pushbikes), run, swim and kayak. Problem is, it’s wintertime so going on the actual river is off limits until I get my roll absolutely bombproof.
I suppose you’re right, it’s not a good coping mechanism if you could die doing it.

On an entirely different note- I just witnessed a moment of unbridled baby cuteness. “Jake and The Never Land Pirates” came on and my kiddo jumped down from his chair, onto his little pirate ship scooter and started scooting around the room to watch the show in his boat.

That is so cute. Just, like, so cute.[/quote]

It’s not so much that you can die doing it. That can happen with anything. It’s doing it in place of thinking, feeling, or doing something important to the extent that quality of life is diminished and there are a bunch of loose ends that remain un-addressed. If an activity comes to that it might as well be any other commonly abused substance because it is essentially serving the same purpose.