We sleep in different rooms because she has to get up two hours earlier than me. I talk in my sleep, and we both snore. Not only that but sometimes I have a protein shake not too long before bed which can mean I sometimes get up to urinate. On the weekends I like to get up early to walk the dog/go to the gym whereas she likes extra rest.
How bad does it sound that we don’t ever share a bed?
For me it would be a sadness, but if it works for both of you, who is to judge?
My husband travels for work and sometimes comes in in the middle of the night. Occasionally he’ll just go to a different bedroom depending on work schedules.
I don’t have a regimented routine most of the time, and can be quite isolatory. In contrast she gets irritated if I wake her up because she might have a big meeting the following day. I think it works out best for the both of us.
Other than for sex or just an afternoon nap, we rarely share a bed for the same kind of reasons you listed.
See this is more direct and why it works. Usually, if I ask a direct question I want the direct response.
I think its more common in long term relationships or when you have to choose somewhere to go on a whim. Also, my wife and I have a general rule that unless we are willing to spend above a certain amount we don’t go to places requiring a tip (because there isn’t much quality difference between chipotle and Chili’s and one will cost almost twice as much).
She would probably rather you simply make a direct statement. “I’d like Chipotles.”
We find ourselves joke-arguing whose turn it is to decide regularly. “I picked last time!” “Noooo, I said either Luigi’s or Freddie’s, and you wanted Luigi’s, so that’s where we went. But it was my suggestion!”
We’ve finally learned not to discuss what we’re getting at the grocery store. We just get chicken, salmon and/or other fish, and either steak or pork chops. No one really cares, is what we’ve discovered. “Chicken tonight?” is always going to get a “sure.” Everything is bought in enough quantity for leftovers.
SO common. Total first world problem. Just this huge hassle about whether we want delicious apps or a big plate of spaghetti or fajitas. And then if you’re a drinker it becomes even more complex! Share a bottle of wine? Have a couple of beers? What sort of ATMOSPHERE are we after today?
Life is hard, yo.
Oh for sure. It’s definitely not a big deal and at worst a minor annoyance. Something I find interesting though and highlights well (at least IMO) the differences in brain processing between men/women (neither of which is inherently good/bad).
Off Topic:
I have seen some interesting videos lately regarding “talk therapy” as the primary therapy prescription for men actually being less than optimal and that there are likely better modalities to help treat male mental health.
What did they offer as a better modality?
I’ve certainly seen it work!
ahh okay, that’s the disconnect for me. I wouldn’t accept doing things on a whim
Some sort of physical activity in a group setting was one example. Or giving a creative outlet, which of course works for both sexes.
He didn’t say it didn’t work (and I have benefited from talk therapy a lot), just that in some cases in may be sub-optimal.
Probably true of many people, I suppose. Talk therapy is insight-oriented, and not everyone is able or willing to develop insight into themselves. Also, there are a lot of shitty therapists out there, so I always take things with a grain of salt, because is a shitty therapist going to be able to point out contradictions without offending the client or making him feel defensive? Because shame has to be managed in order for examination of patterns to be possible. I hate shitty therapists.
I’ve heard over and over again that it isn’t the modality that heals, it’s the relationship between the client and therapist/coach/sensei.
I tried it a couple times before I realized this and then it worked. So, I definitely agree.
Had one of these too. First two sessions were okay, but it’s like I hit the limit of her capabilities as a therapist and it just kind of stalled.
This is my preferred cuddle position, except her leg needs to be more on top of him.
…
None of those sound like reasons to sleep in different beds to me. I wake up at fuckin 4 am to lift, and my wife often isnt up until 8am. I refuse to let either of us sleep in different beds because I’m not about to be room mates. Not that my wife ever wants to sleep in another bed anyways.
Maybe this works for you, but that’s a hard pass for me. We’re married; we sleep in the same bed.
“I’m going for sushi, you coming?” Works pretty well for me.
Unless it’s some type of food my wife doesn’t want. Like sushi 
Seriously though, just being decisive is an attractive thing. If she doesn’t want the place you’ve chosen, she can be more direct about what she wants too.
I think most men don’t get help from therapy. At least, I know of myself and a few others who have gotten little to no help from therapy. The single most helpful thing I’ve gotten from any therapist is when my life was a disaster and I had too much to do. She helped me prioritize, I knocked it out, then I felt better. No talking required.
We’re action based.
Women tend to like talking about their problems until they find the solution themselves… not big fans of being led to it (generalization)
We usually don’t share a bed. I tend to go to bed earlier, and am up around 3 or 4 AM. I snore, she talks in her sleep and rolls around a lot. We like different temperatures, and prefer different mattresses (levels of firmness). I usually have at least 1 night a week where I don’t have to get up early, so I’ll try to sleep in her room then, just because we “should,” but neither one of us gets a very good night of sleep.
It tends to get looked down upon and I completely understand the concerns about what the habit leads to, but sometimes it just works better for people. In my relationship, things tend to go better when we’re well-rested. Better moods = less arguments, stuff like that. And in our case, that means we sleep in different rooms. I have a cousin who does the same thing and they keep having kids, so intimacy still occurs, haha.
A lot of Native (and some non-Native) guys find success in combatting mental health issues (addiction, PTSD, depression, etc.) by getting involved in our ceremonies. Sweat lodges are pretty common, which are like saunas on steroids, where you get in to sing and pray. I’ve become friends with an Native Vietnam-vet who does a lot of work with Native vets and horses. I think equine therapy is used by all sorts of people, but there’s a lot of success with it in Indian country. He said his horse was the best counselor he ever had when he was first getting sober and recovering from his experiences in Vietnam way back then.
I think “talk therapy” can and has helped a lot of men, but in my personal opinion, you really have to click with the therapist. I’ve seen several therapists and felt like most of them didn’t do much for me, but that one really helped. I just had to try a few out until I found someone who could say the things I needed to hear in a way I was able to receive.
There are definitely other successful means of therapy, like the ones I mentioned above, that I see a lot of men benefit from though. I tend to think a mixture of things help.
Sleeping in separate beds is the GOAT position
Yeah. We still do when we can and it makes sense in what we’ve got on tomorrow. We spend our entire evenings together and don’t have children. I don’t think it’s worth potentially affecting our daily lives with things like impaired sharpness or performance just to fit into some pocket of how something should be.
Sometimes having a good night’s sleep could be more important for a healthy life and relationship, even if doesn’t fit the whole “I’m a mayyyyyyyyyyyn” thing.
Why did you ask how bad it sounds, if you don’t care about the answer?
It’s not a “man” thing for me, it’s just something that I want and I’m not interested in compromising on. I’ve also made sure that other beds are simply inferior to mine, so that helps.