I really like the setup of that workout. I’ve modeled my approach after that type of session.
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@Frank_C hey. Thanks for the kind words, and it’s nice to know that someone is thinking of me. I wrote a three page suicide note last night, and I must say it was pretty cathartic. It allowed me to get some of my thoughts down on paper, and it gave me a medium to write down some things I never got the chance to say to certain people. I guess my method of being okay is distracting myself so I never actually get around to ending my life, because immediately after I wrote the note and solidified within my head that I was going to go through with everything; I had a random thought about how I wanted to do something before I died. I’m feeling a little better now, but circumstances still haven’t changed and I know I’ll probably be going down the rabbit hole once again a little bit later today.
If you’d like to read the note, it’s PGP-encrypted. I’ll send you my public key via email. It’s pretty deeply personal, but it highlights exactly why I’m suicidal, as well as my final addresses to some people that haven’t been good to me. Warning - it’s pretty vile.
I also really, really don’t believe in any sort of higher power/entity/god. I do appreciate your concern for my well-being, and I appreciate your method of trying to help me, but the fact of the matter is that I do not believe. I will never be able to bring myself to believe. I have tried this before - it didn’t work. Of course I want to believe in a greater, all-knowing, loving higher power. I just can’t do that because I don’t have the capacity to trust anything or anyone. It’s just how my mind works. It would be amazing if I believed that something loved me regardless of how badly I’ve messed up, or regardless of how I felt on a particular day. But, I just don’t. I spent years studying the Bible. I know exactly what Christianity preaches, I’m nauseatingly familiar with the nuances and tenets of the religion as a whole, and I just do not believe it. I wholeheartedly reject it. Have you ever heard the saying, “the staunchest and most devout atheists are ex-Christians”?
I’m one of those.
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I don’t need the letter unless you want/need to share it. I’m just trying to be supportive. My hope is that we can stall you long enough to get you to legal adult status so you can do what you want to do to feel good.
Just hold on to those very recent memories where you felt great. I know the moments were short lived but you can experience them again. Battling through a couple more years can get you decades of feeling good.
Sadly, it’s tough to meet someone who hasn’t had a bad experience with church/religion. Humans suck. Leaders get corrupt and hurt people for selfish reasons. I think you mentioned going to a Catholic school. Catholics can be the worst. It’s do this or you’re going to hell. Haven’t been to confession this week? Hell. Divorced? Hell. Nevermind the crushing judgement and binge thinking. Those are clearly labeled as sins in the bible but let’s forget about those.
It’s too bad, but it’s real. As a Christian, I’m supposed to spread the word and get everyone to accept Jesus. I’m not very good at it. I won’t brow beat anyone or even debate. I just share my faith and offer encouragement - kind of the honey vs vinegar approach.
Hang in there. God hasn’t given up on you. Saul persecuted and murdered Christians before becoming Paul. Your beliefs and opinions can change. I hope that you’ll find peace in this life. Remember the encouragement you were offering in the hospital/clinic? You can persevere and help others get through their struggles someday.
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Yes you are!
I’m thinking about you and praying for you too man. I’ve got no advice to give, just a bit of support and love. You’re loved by more than you realize.
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7.28.19
Woke at 213.2 lbs. I really am an average person right now. I half heartedly want to cut to 205, but I have no will power. I’m just kind of in a “Screw it, I look good enough” phase.
I keep revisiting my training experiment, not quite sure what to do. I don’t really need to crush my legs. If I grow anywhere then I want it to be my upper body. I also have no desire to walk around with sore legs all week. I’ve considered a total body approach with minimal leg work three days a week. I’ve considered an upper push, upper pull, legs split where I only hit legs once a week. Each time I look at making changes I end up leaving things the way they are. I guess that means my program actually is a good setup for me. I can’t make changes to it even with all of my conflicting thoughts and goals.
One thing I did change was the 8 Min AMRAPs. They are going to be 8 Min Tabatas instead. 
I’m not sure if I’ll do a simple back and forth between exercises or maybe do four rounds of one, four rounds of the other, and then repeat. Either way, each exercise will get its full four minutes of work in a 20 sec on, 10 sec off approach. The high rep stuff with little rest is what hits my conditioning the best.
I almost added an exercise to the first part of the workout, but remembered that the purpose of that part is strength. I was thinking of doing something like OHP, RFESS, Lat Raises, 20 sec cardio, repeat. That would fatigue my delts more, but it would take away from the strength aspect. I’ll have to take care of fatigue during the Tabatas, and I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.
Disclaimer, the reps are probably going to get ugly this week. 
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I’m also thinking about @liftangryordie500, which is what brought me to this thread. I was checking to see if he’d posted today yet.
So I see he has and I guess I’ll get to my meal prep for the week.
One last thought - liftangry, I think you should consider that your future is yours to shape, which means that you can build a life that has as its main goal feeling like you do when you hit a PR. You won’t feel like that every second, of course, but you can certainly shift the balance so that feeling good and self-satisfied comprise the bulk of your time and discouraged and angry only a small part of it.
I don’t know how much you’ve read of my history, but at your age I was trying to manage and recover my post-leaving-home dumpster fire of a life. My ratio of bad to good was probably 70/30. A year earlier it would probably have been 90/10, though drinking and drugs masked some of the unhappiness of that time.
It didn’t take long to shift things enough that I was happy. Little by little…at 18 I was broke, but I had an awesome roommate and friends I loved. At 21 I got a part time job in a gym, which changed my life forever. I’d moved into work I loved, and which paid enough to live reasonably. And so on.
Now I’m happy and satisfied 98% of the time, with only rare descent into outrage or sadness. I feel like I hit PRs all the time, at work or with my kids or husband, working out, around the house…all the time.
Patience is not your strong suit. You should develop it!
Okay, meal prep…
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@liftangryordie500 I don’t know what’s going on in your life, my friend, but I do care. Please find the ability to keep going the next minute.
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@Frank_C thank you for the advice. I’m also trying to stall myself until I hit adulthood, haha. It works, so I do it.
@EmilyQ your story is inspiring! I’m glad you made it out of your dumpster fire. But, if patience wasn’t my strong suit, I’d be in jail on multiple murder charges.
@TrainForPain @IronOne thank you for the kind thoughts.
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Thank you, but I don’t think it’s particularly inspiring. I think it’s distressingly common. There are kids everywhere in the process of either falling apart or pulling themselves back together. My story is unusual only in the details.
The thing is, it’s entirely doable. Just like getting stronger, gaining independence and/or success is a matter of deciding a program and following it.
Edit: Sorry for derailing your log, @Frank_C.
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No problem. My log us my own personal Flame Free Confessional thread. That’s why it has over 5400 entries in two years.
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Stay strong brother.
I won’t pretend to know what you’re going through, but I’ve heard of some pretty epic comeback stories from people who crashed down on rock bottom.
Be one of those stories. You have people in your corner, dont let us down my man!
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From where I stand, that makes you the kind of Christian I wish there were more of.
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Agreed!
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From right to left, chicken, T-bone, and sirloin all grilled perfectly.
I’m sure cutting it into cubes for the sake of meal prep makes it look like crap but all three are delicious. I’m not an expert on the grill so I celebrate the rare moments when I nail it. 
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I see your humor!
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Now that makes you the kind of Christian I want to be around 
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I’m like that with rice. I suck at cooking it. Most of the time it ends up either crunchy or a coagulated mass. In extreme cases, it’s a layer of the former hiding a layer of the latter.
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Get a Zojirushi rice cooker. It’s worth every penny. I’ve had mine for like one million years and use it weekly. I make a big pile of it to eat through the week.
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I’m that guy who will point out that this could be taken to mean you made a big pile of rice cooker.
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And she ate it😂
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