“So the goverment just raised the alert level to orange. Yea they said to call if you see anything wierd. So yesterday i called and man, i got yelled at like crazy. I mean, ive never seen a black guy on figure skates and now imm the jackass?”
When i was young, my teacher used to tell us to sit indian style, so id grab a bottle of whiskey and sit in the curb.
From Drew Carey’s Dirty Jokes and Beer:
A woman is at a bar, drinking and depressed. A man walks in and sits next to her. He, too, is drinking and depressed. After a time, the man asks the woman, “What are you so depressed about?” She says, “My husband left me because he thought I was too kinky.” He says, “Really? My wife left me because she thought I was too kinky!”
They order another drink, and she says to him, “Hey, listen, we’re both adults here, and it looks like we might have a little something in common…whaddya say we go back to my place and see what happens?” He says, “Sounds like a great idea!” And they finish their drinks and leave.
When they get to her place, she says to him, “Wait right here, I’m going to go change into something a little more comfortable.” She goes to her bedroom and puts on some black leather boots with six-inch heels, a leather miniskirt, a rubber bra with the nipples cut out, a dog collar, and a leather hood. She then grabs a riding crop and some handcuffs and saunters seductively out to the living room where she sees the guy putting on his coat and hat and heading out the door.
“Where ya going?” she asks. “I thought we were going to get kinky?”
“Hey,” he says, “I fucked your dog. I shit in your purse…I’m outta here!”
WOW! That’s all I can say. It took me a while on the first joke until I realized that it wasn’t me, the joke really isn’t all that funny. But, A for effort, right and better than what I’ve come up with = nothing.
DB
[quote]folly wrote:
Once there were three indian women. They were all pregnant, and they slept in their husbands’ teepees on animal skins that they had killed or traded for.
The first slept on a deer skin.
The second slept on a bear skin.
The third slept on a hippopotamus skin (go with it, it’s worth it).
All three had their children on the full moon. The first had a strong baby boy. The second also had a strong baby boy.
The third had twins.
This just proves that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Thanks, I’ll be here till thursday.
Remember, alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Please don’t drink and derive.
-folly[/quote]
Q: How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. She just holds it still while the whole fucking world revolves around her!
A mother walks in the room and sees her son playing doctor with the little girl next door. She tells him that when women get older they grow teeth down there and they bite. So as he gets older he has many relationships but never goes near that area. Finally he gets into a serious relationship and his girlfriend asks him why won’t you go down on me so he tells her what his mother told him. She thinks this is ridiculous and pulls down her pants and spreads her legs and says do you see any teeth. He looks closer and says of course there are no teeth look at the shape your gums are in
Me and my girlfriend were having sex and I said, "how about I stick my dick in between your tits and fuck you like that. She says, “Well how are you going to make that feel good for me” I told her “Right before Im about to cum, Ill stop punching you in the face”
What’s the worst part about fucking a 2 year old?
Hearing her hips crack.
Why did Helen Keller’s dog run away?
You would too if your name was Aaaarrgggnnnaa.
Why didn’t anybody hear Helen Keller fall down the well?
She was wearing mittens.
How did Helen Keller burn her face and cut her fingers?
By answering the iron and trying to read the cheese grater.
How did Helen Keller break her arm?
She was trying to read the signs on the interstate.
What’s red and white and goes 90 mph?
A baby in a blender.
What do you call a quadrapalegic in front of a door?
Matt.
What do you call a quadrapalegic hanging on a wall?
Art.
What do you call an arm hanging on a wall?
A piece of Art.
A quadrapalegic lady is on the beach crying. A man walks by and asks her why she is crying. She explains to him that she has never been hugged. Feeling badly for her, the man hugs her and goes on his way.
A little later the man is walking by and see the woman crying again. After asking her why, he discovers that she has never kissed a man. Being the soft-hearted type, the man kindly bends down and passionately kisses her.
A little later the man is walking by and see the woman crying again. By this time, he’s a bit sick of her whining, but he still stops and asks her what the problem is. She then tells him that she’s never been fucked. The man proceeds to pick the lady up, toss her in the ocean, and yell out “Now You’re Fucked!!!”.
Only 1 Michael Jackson joke? WHat’s wrong with you people.
Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart?
He heard boys’ underwear were half-off
What’s did MJ say to the priest?
“I saw him first!”
What do MJ and COke have in common?
THey both come in little cans
Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz-2-Men?
He thought it was an escort service.
How do you know MJ is having a party?
All the tricycles in the front yard
Better version of the previous joke:
What’s the difference between Micheal Jackson and acne?
Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re 13 years old.
An old Texas real estate tycoon has a beautiful daughter, and despite all her great qualities he can’t marry her off. So invites all the most eligible bachelors in the state to his enormous mansion, in hopes of marrying her off before he dies.
After meeting the daughter he gives them a tour of the mansion, finishing with a 50m indoor pool. Says to them, “Anyone who can swim the length of this pool can have their choice of $50 million in cash, twenty square blocks of my best downtown Dallas property, or my daughter’s hand in marriage. The only catch…” He claps his hands, and a door is released in the pool, which is soon filled with alligators, piranhas, jellyfish, and other nastiness.
As the men stare there’s a splash, and one man swims across the pool in world record time. Amazed, everyone congratulates the winner at the other end. The old man steps up…
“Congratulations, I knew you were the one…so what do you want, the 50 million?”
The young man, still winded, shakes his head.
“Oh you’re a smart one, you want to make your own fortune and it’s the real estate!”
Again, he shakes his head.
Now the old man’s ecstatic “I knew you were one! You’re going to get a beautiful wife, live in luxury, and inherit all the cash and property when I die!”
Again, the young man shakes his head.
Confused, the old man asks, “Well then just tell me what you want”
Finally the swimmer gets his breathe…“Gimme a beer, and the motherfucker who pushed me in”
How many men does it take to open a beer? None, the bitch better have it open by the time she brings it to me.
Way are women’s feet smaller than men’s? It’s one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
When do you buy your wife a new watch? Never, there’s a clock on the oven.
[quote]lostinthought wrote:
How many men does it take to open a beer? None, the bitch better have it open by the time she brings it to me.
Way are women’s feet smaller than men’s? It’s one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
When do you buy your wife a new watch? Never, there’s a clock on the oven. [/quote]
I hope your wife doesn’t read that!
[quote]nicolebadkat wrote:
lostinthought wrote:
How many men does it take to open a beer? None, the bitch better have it open by the time she brings it to me.
Way are women’s feet smaller than men’s? It’s one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
When do you buy your wife a new watch? Never, there’s a clock on the oven.
I hope your wife doesn’t read that![/quote]
How could she read it? No computer in the kitchen, and whys she wasting time surfing when I got dinner to be fixed.?
Just kidding. Total bullshit chauvenist jokes, mildly funny. Sad thing is, theres still guys with that attitude out there.
[quote]danreeves1973 wrote:
nicolebadkat wrote:
lostinthought wrote:
How many men does it take to open a beer? None, the bitch better have it open by the time she brings it to me.
Way are women’s feet smaller than men’s? It’s one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
When do you buy your wife a new watch? Never, there’s a clock on the oven.
I hope your wife doesn’t read that!
How could she read it? No computer in the kitchen, and whys she wasting time surfing when I got dinner to be fixed.?
Just kidding. Total bullshit chauvenist jokes, mildly funny. Sad thing is, theres still guys with that attitude out there.
[/quote]
What’s the only thing worse thatn a male chauvenistic pig?
A woman that doesn’t do what she’s told.
[quote]Sonny S wrote:
Only 1 Michael Jackson joke? WHat’s wrong with you people.
Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart?
He heard boys’ underwear were half-off
What’s did MJ say to the priest?
“I saw him first!”
What do MJ and COke have in common?
THey both come in little cans
Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz-2-Men?
He thought it was an escort service.
How do you know MJ is having a party?
All the tricycles in the front yard
Better version of the previous joke:
What’s the difference between Micheal Jackson and acne?
Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re 13 years old.[/quote]
Okay, here goes.
What’s the difference between a grocery bag and Michael Jackson?
Well, one is made of plastic and is dangerous for your kids to play with, and the other one holds groceries.
A man is cooking dinner one night when he receives a phone call. He goes to answer, leaving his two steaks cooking on the grill.
While he’s gone, one steak looks over at the other and says, “Hey, it’s getting kind of hot over here.”
The second looks at the first and says “Holy crap! A talking steak!”
Have you ever had ethiopian food?
–Neither have they.
RRJ
1983 called, it wants its joke back!
Q: What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?
A: Lie awake at nights wondering if there is a dog.
How do you stop your neighbour’s children from playing on you front lawn?
Molest them.
I hope your wife doesn’t read that![/quote]
me too, nicole, me too. 
Actually, she knows they’re just jokes and I’ve even told them to her…she chuckled, a bit.