What’s better than roses on a piano?
Tulips on an organ.
If a stork brings white babies, and a crow brings black babies, what brings no babies?
A swallow.
Two men were discussing Freudian slips.
The first says: Last week I had an embarrassing experience during my business trip in Pittsburgh. I was waiting in line at the airport admiring the ticket agent, she had beautiful breasts. When it came my turn she asked, ‘May I help you?’ and I responded, ‘Yes, I’d like a picket to Titsburgh.’
The second man says: A similar thing happened to me the other night while eating dinner with my wife. I meant to say ‘Please pass the salt’, but instead I said ‘You’ve ruined my life you fucking bitch.’
Two martinis are sitting on a bar. One gets knocked over and falls to the ground.
The other slowly peeks over the edge, sees his friend on the ground and says “Hey man, are you alright?”
The other martini looks up and says “I’ll live.”
(Olive…martini…ha…ha?!?)
A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon and says “I’m looking to find the varmint what shot my paw!”
(Funnier if you say it with a Texan accent)
A classic:
What’s the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
(Thanks, I’ll be here all night.)
A polar bear walks into a bar, goes to the bartender and says “Buddy, I think I’ll have a…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…beer.”
Bartender looks at the polar bear and says “Hey, what’s with the big pause?”
Polar bear sticks up his hands and says “I always had 'em!”
Farmers Date
A farmer had 3 lovely daughters, all who had dates on Friday night. One by one the local boys came by to pick them up.
The first boy arrived and said: “Hi, I’m Eddie, I’m here for Betty, we’re going steady, is she ready?”
The farmer called Betty and she and Eddie went on their way.
The second boy arrived and said: “Hi, I’m Joe, I’m here for Flo, we’re going to the show, is she ready to go?”
The farmer called Flo and she and Joe went on their way.
The third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup, came to the door and said: “Hi, I’m Chuck”
The farmer shot him.
Musical Movie Stars
Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.
“Who do you want to play?” Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.
“I’ve always been a big fan of Chopin,” said Bruce. “I’ll play him.”
“And you, Sylvester?” asked Spielberg.
“Mozart’s the one for me!” said Sly.
“And what about you?” Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
“I’ll be Bach,” said Arnie.
School Penis
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word ‘penis’ in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word ‘penis’ again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s word, larger than the previous day’s word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:
“The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!”
Jesus Is Watching You
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.
Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I am just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me huh? Who the hell are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?
The bird promptly answered, “Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus…”
There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
“Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news,” she says. “The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure.”
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. “So what’s the good news?” he asks.
The doctor says, “There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant’s trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?”
The guy thinks about it and finally says, “Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let’s do it.”
So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
“Wow!” says his stunned girlfriend, “That was impressive! Can you do that again?”
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, “Probably…But I don’t know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!”
Happy Mariage
A couple was celebrating their Golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, explained the husband. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadnt gone too far when my wifes mule stumbled.
My wife quietly said Thats once.`
We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again.
Once more my wife quietly said, Thats twice.’
We hadn`t gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, Thats once.`
DRUNKEN IRISHMAN
Three Irishmen are enjoying a round of stout in the local pub when suddenly a drunk stumbles in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle…
The drunk shouts: “Your mom’s the best damn lay in town!”
Everyone in the pub expects a fight, but the young strong man just ignores him.
The drunk mumbles as he wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Barely ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-e-t!”
Once again the young man holds back his Irish temper and refuses to take the bait. The drunk sneers as he wanders back to the far end of the bar.
Not two minutes pass when once again he’s back harassing the young man. For all to hear, the drunk yells in the man’s ear: “You know, your mom even let me…”
Finally, the young man loses his temper, grabs the drunk by the shoulders, shakes him hard and shouts: “Go home Dad, you’re drunk!”
How do you break a Polack’s finger?
Punch him in the nose.