Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse?s legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?” His father replied, “I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy them.”
Worried, Johnny replied, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy mom.”
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Listen this guy’s an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jailand hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which the wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.”
How can you tell the Irish guy in a hospital?
He’s blowing the foam off his bed pan.
Mickey O’ Neil was on a game show. The host asked him a series of questions.
“Okay Mickey, what’s the capital of China?”
“Don’t know”
His turn came around again.
“Okay Mickey, what country was Hitler from?”
“Don’t know”
His turn again.
“Alright Mickey, who was Christopher Columbus?”
Again, “Dont know”
With that, Mickey’s friend Paddy shouts out from the audience, “that’s it Mickey, dont tell them anything.”
What do you call gay dinosaurs?
megasoarass
A man feeling quite ill goes to the doctor and tells him of his symptoms. The doctor runs some tests and lets the man know that this is a good news/bad news situation. The good news is is that there is a cure and it’s worked in every single case like his, the bad news is it’s a suppository.
The man bites his lip and say “Ok doc, let me have it.” The man bends over the table, the doctor takes a firm grip on his shoulder and shoves the pill up his ass. He leaves embarassed with a two weeks supply of suppositories. He comes home to his wife and asks her to administer them for him. She complies, he bends over, she puts her hand on his shoulder and he falls to the floor convulsing.
After a couple of minutes he finally gasps, “HE HAD BOTH HANDS ON MY SHOULDERS!”
[quote]
And mrsandman, get math textbook. It works.
elevationgain, funny.[/quote]
I guess I should have staid in school. (college)
Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
A: Who cares?
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That’s NOT funny!
See “Beat My Caption”
3 men are about to join the secret service, and are talking to an instructor.
“Men, you appear to be in strong physical and mental shape, but you have one more test to perform before joining the secret service” “Tomorrow, I want you all to bring your wives”
The next day, all three men bring their wives, and each wife is placed in a seperate cubicle.
The instructor walks up to the first man, hands him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The man walked up to the door, turns around and says “I love her too much, I can’t do it”
The instructor walks up to the second man, hands him a gun and tells him to go kill his wife. The man walks into the room, and one minute later comes out in tears, unable to do it.
The instructor walks up to the last man and repeats the order. The man quickly takes the gun and walks into the room. The instructor then hears 6 gunshots, followed by loud thumping and screaming. After 5 minutse the man walks out with a torn shirt, and scratches on his face. The instructor asks “WHAT HAPPENED IN THERE?”
The man replies
“Some idiot put blanks in this gun… I had to strangle the bitch.”
How can you tell if a midget has her period?
She keeps tripping on the string.
What do you say to an ugly chick?
Nothing.
A man walks into a pharmacy, and goes up to the counter
“I’d like to buy a box of condoms for my 11 year old daughter” he tells the clerk.
“My god,” the clerk replies, “your daughter’s sexually active at 11 years old?”
“No,” replies the father, “she kinda just lies there like her mother.”
A teacher walks into her 2nd grade classroom and says “Alright class, today, we’re going to use the word Definitely in a sentence. Bradley, how about you try.”
So Brad stands up. “Umm…the sky is definitely blue.”
“Now Bradley,” says the teacher, “sometimes it’s overcast and the sky is grey. The sky is not definitely blue. Tina, you try.”
Tina gets up. “The grass is definitely green.”
“Now Tina, sometimes there’s snow, or the grass is dead, and brown. the grass is not definitely green.”
Dirty Johny stands up in the back.“Yo teach. You mind if I asks yous a question first?”
“Why no, Johny, go ahead.”
“Well,” Johny starts, “when you fart, do you ever get lumps in it?”
“Heaven’s no,” replies the teacher.
So Johny stares at her and says, “Well then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!”
Thoughts … Worth Reading
-
Regular naps prevent old age… especially if you take them while driving.
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Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is husband!
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I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried but they wanted cash
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A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms.
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Don’t feel bad… A lot of people have no talent.
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Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without… but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.
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You can’t buy love . . … but you pay heavily for it
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True friends stab you in the front
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Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
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Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
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Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired
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My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
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Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
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Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
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It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
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Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
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Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
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Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
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They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak
Dearest Redneck Son,
I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since.
The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
Time to pull out some tastless ones:
Q: What name do you call a paraplegic waterskiier?
A: Skip.
Q: What name do you give a paraplegic swimmer?
A: Bob.
Q: What good is a used tampon?
A: Teabag for Vampires.
Q: How do you get a one-armed Pollok out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
Q: How many Ethiopians can you fit in a bathtub?
A: Nobody knows, they keep slipping down the drain.
Man…I feel dirty after telling these…
TB
Why was the Polish girl at the bloodbank for three hours?
You try wringing a pint of blood out of a tampon in less time.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickedalottapuss
Two guys go out hunting in the woods of East Texas. As their walking to the deer stands, Bob suddenly grabs his chest, and falls over, obviously suffering a heartattack. His friend Dave, trying not to panic, pulls out his cell phone to call 9-11.
Operator: 9-11, what is your emergency?
Dave: My friend, he’s had a heart attack, oh God, he’s just laying on the ground, we need help. Oh, God I think he’s dead.
Operator: OK sir, just calm down, take a deep breath. Now first make sure that hes dead.
Dave: Ok (silence)…(loud gunshot)
Dave: OK, now what?
An Arab who has been living in America for several years isn’t feeling well.
He goes to a doctor who can not find anything wrong with him. So he goes to an Arab doctor.
The Arab doctor does a history and then hands the man a bucket and tells him to follow these directions:
- Shit in the bucket
- Piss on the shit
- Stick his head into the bucket and breathe deeply for 10 minutes.
The man comes back the next day and says he is feeling great!
The doctor says I thought you would, you were just homesick.
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too good that
morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,
“Happy Birthday!” and probably have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn’t even say good morning, let alone any happy
birthday. I thought, well, that’s wives for you, the children will
remember…
The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left
for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent …
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, “Good morning
Boss. Happy Birthday!” And I felt a little better that someone had
remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You
know,it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s
go to lunch, just you and me.”
I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day.
Let’s go!” We went to lunch.
We didn’t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private
little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it’s such a
beautiful day.
We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, “No, I guess not.”
She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”
After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I
think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable”
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake — followed by my wife, children, and
dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there —
On the couch —
naked…
Little Billy comes home from school and tells his father he failed maths.
“Why?” asks his father.
“Well, the teacher asked me “What is 2 times 3” and I answered 6.”
“But that’s right” says his father.
"Yeh, but then she asked me “What is 3 times 2?”
“What’s the fucking difference?” asks his father.
“That’s exactly what I said”