JOKES!

Off Topic
41

The kindergartners were now in first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, “No, no, you went to see your Grandmother. Use the grown up word.”

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, “No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That’s the grown up word.”

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, “Winnie the Shit.”

42

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.

“What’s that” he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said “Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.”

Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.”

She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. “Here,” she said, “you must put it in here.”

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, “What the hell did you do that for?”

“Just checking for bees”

43

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.

The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. “So, did you jump?” the father asked.

“Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozenmen got up and just walked out of the plane!”

“Is that when you jumped?” asked the father.

“Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.”

“Did you jump then?” asked the father.

“I’m getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. Hetold me to get off the plane or he’d kick my ass.”

“So, did you jump?”

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, “Boy, are you gonna jump or not?”

I said, “No, sir. I’m too scared” So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, ‘Boy, either you jump out that door, or I’m sticking this little baby up your ass.’"

“So, did you jump?” asked the father."

Well, a little… at first."

44

rrjc5488: Those were completely inappropriate. Shame on you.

Why can’t the Mexicans win any gold medals at the olympics?
Because all of them that can run, jump, and swim are living in the US.

An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
“Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth.”
He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
“That’s amazing!” said one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other two?”
“Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his.”

What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common?
The taste.

Why don’t they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

How can you identify a French Infantryman?
Sunburned armpits.

What do you call a group of white people running down a hill?
An avalanche

What do you call a group of black people running down a hill?
A mud slide

What do you call a group of mexicans running down a hill?
A jailbreak

45

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

“Screw it,” he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.” When he arrives at the door- 2 blocks away- he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him with an angry look.

“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.

“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly.

“How did you know?”

“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”

46

What’s the difference between Micheal Jackson and acne?

Acne waits until you hit puberty before it comes on your face.

47

Ok. So this guy walks into a guy with his pet alligator, yes pet alligator. He walks up, stands on a table and shouts “Alright, for 50 bucks I’ll put my bits and pieces in the gator’s mouth and have him snap his jaw shut.”

There were definitely a few takers so the man did it. He pulled down his pants down and the alligator snapped down ferociously. He grabbed a beer bottle, whacked it on the head and it released his privates unscathed. He then said “Ok. Now I’ll give 200 dollars to anyone willing to try this.” A blonde quickly replies “Sure. But just don’t hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

48

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walkin

So this Polish terrorist tried to blow up a car… He burnt his mouth on the exhaust

49

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.

50

Japanese guy walks into an American bank to exchange money…he gives the money to the teller and receives $1000 US Dollars.

He goes back the next day to exchange the same amount and only receives $995 United States Dollars.

“Why only $995? Yesterday it $1000.”

“Flucutations” replied the teller.

“Well Fluck you Americans too!”

51

[quote]sugarfree wrote:
1st (I hate jokes, so I tell this one to kill all jokes told in the room)

Termite walks into a bar, and says “Where is the bar tender?”

The End. That is the joke. Read it until you get it.

2nd - for kids only (lame riddle)

Why is 6 afraid of 7

Because 7 ate 9. (kids love this one)

And mrsandman, get math textbook. It works.
elevationgain, funny.[/quote]

Nice. I end joke sessions with the pythagorean theorem joke. I have to remember that one.

Am priest, a rabbi and a horse walk into a bar. The bartender says what is this, A joke?

We need a bad joke thread.

There was a guy who was notorious for betting. He walked up to the bar one day and bet the bartedner $100 that he could stand on the bar and piss into a shot glass without missing a drop. The bartender agrees, and the man stands on the bar, drops trou and pisses all over the bar, the bartender all of the glasses, the mirror, the liqour, everything. The bartender laughs and collects his $100.

The man hands it over and walks away laughing. The bartender calls him back and asks why he is laughing. The man tells him “I bet the guy in the back $1000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would laugh about it.”

52

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.

“Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”

Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

“Osama Bin Laden,” she says.

“Why Osama Bin Laden,” her father asks in shock.

“Well,” she says, I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore."

Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. “Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I know,” Melissa says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him.”

-folly

53

whats worse than a cardboard box?

Paper tits!

54

[quote]ATOMemphis wrote:
Q: What’s the hardest part about rollerblading?

A: Telling your parents you’re gay.[/quote]

What is the hardest part about ordering an apple martini?

55

Theres an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman stranded on a desert island.

One day, bored out of there skulls they meet a native. He decides to come over and poke fun out of the stranded Brits promising them that they could have one of his boats if the length of there penis’s were equal too or longer than his.

“no problem” says the Englishman. The native laughs and proceeds to whip his out revealing a 20 inch member.
Hmm, we still might do ok says the scotsman.

Later on that day as the stranded brits leave shore the silence is interupted by the Englishman.

“you guys sure are lucky i had 10 inches” he says.
“You guys sure are lucky i had 8” says the scotsman
“you guys are lucky i had a hard on” says the irishman.

Made me laugh anyway.

56

What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

How do we find the egg in all this shit!

What did the father buffalo say to the baby buffalo?

Bye son. (bison, get it?)

Funny shit!

57

I love paddy jokes.

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

Paddy Englishman says, “I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a freezer to keep it in.”

Paddy Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. “Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,” he laments, “and she doesn’t even know how to drive!”

Paddy Irishman nods agreeingly, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. “Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it,” he chuckles. “Moy woife just left to go on a holiday to Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn’t even have a penis!”

An irish one that some might find funnier than others

An old man living alone in South Armagh, whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison, didn’t have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes. So he wrote to his son about his predicament. The son sent the reply, “For HEAVENS SAKE, don’t dig the garden up, that’s where I buried the guns!!!” At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours, but didn’t find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what had happened, asking him what he should do now? The son sent the reply: “NOW plant the potatoes!”

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, “Hey, I got this great Irish Joke…”.

The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: “Before you go telling that joke you better know that I’m Irish, both bouncers are Irish and so are most of my customers”

“Okay” says the customer,“I’ll tell it very slowly.”

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them, “It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four”.

“Quattro is just the name of the automobile”, the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly, “Look at the papers - this car is designed to carry five persons”.

“You can not pull that one on me,” replies Paddy, “Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.”

The Englishmen reply angrily, “You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!”

“Sorry,” responds Paddy, “Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.”

Dunno why I would make fun of my own people!

58

Damn good stuff, guys. I just tapped back into the thread, since my initial post, and have laughed an inch off of my waist. Keep’em comin’…Here’s one more:

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again.
“Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied,
“it’s going to be a very cold winter.”
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service
again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”
“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “The fucking Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.”

59

this is a converstaion between a boy and his grandpa on a fishing trip.

Grandpa fires up a cigar.

Boy: can i try one grandpa

Grandpa: can you touch your dick to your asshole?

Boy: nope

Grandpa: then you cant have one

Grandpa cracks open a beer.

Boy: can i try one grandpa

Grandpa: can you touch your dick to your asshole?

Boy: nope

Grandpa: then you cant have one

After the trip they stop at the local gas station and grandpa buys a scratch off ticket for himself and one for the boy, the grandpa doesnt win anything, but the boy wins 500 dollars.

Grandpa: what do you say we split the winnings kiddo

Boy: can you touch your dick to your asshole?

Grandpa: yes, yes i can!

Boy: good, then go fuck yourself!

Im not very good at writing jokes.

60

This is a true story…

Part of what I do is treat STD’s, assist with diagnosis, interview and counsel patients and all that stuff. I’m a infectious disease guru in a sense.

So I’m interviewing this guy and we’re talking about his symptoms (red raised bumps on his wang that are weepy and sore), how long he’s had it, when the last time he had unprotected sex, etc.

Then it comes time for me to take a look downstairs and confirm what I thought was a case of herpes.

I said, alright dude, I’m going to need to have you drop trou and let me have a look at what’s going on down there…

He stands up off the exam table, reaches for his belt buckle and says…

“ok, ok… but keep in mind it’s cold in here, and I’m Irish…”

True story.

Conor those were some funny jokes man…

GAINER.