[quote]edgecrusher wrote:
StevenF wrote:
Perhaps he should have specified FUNNY jokes.
Here’s one for you:
If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have so many branches?
oh, you said funny…[/quote]
Perhaps we should have a separate bad joke thread… (I stole these BTW)
Q. What should you use to write down you just took a dump?
A. A number 2 pencil
Q. What do you call it when you take a girl out and force her to eat pancakes?
A. Date Crepe
Here is a favorite. I hear it about once every 6 mos. and it always makes me laugh, because it is true…so true.
A man cannot decide which of three girls to marry, so he decides to test them. He gives each of them $500.
The first girl spends the entire $500 on a new wardrobe for herself.
The second girl spends $250 on herself, and buys the guy a nice suit for $250.
The third girl invests the $500, makes $500 more, spends it on herself, and returns the $500 to him.
Now, which one do you think he decided to marry?
keep going
The girl with the biggest boobs. duh.
What’s the hardest thing about eating vegetables?
The wheelchairs!
[quote]jnevin wrote:
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later, a loud bloodcurdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few
minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The
bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
“What’s all the screaming about in there?” he yells. “You’re scaring my
customers!” “I’m just sitting here on the toilet,” slurs the drunk, “and
every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.” With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says,
“You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”[/quote]
This is the best one so far.
1st (I hate jokes, so I tell this one to kill all jokes told in the room)
Termite walks into a bar, and says “Where is the bar tender?”
The End. That is the joke. Read it until you get it.
2nd - for kids only (lame riddle)
Why is 6 afraid of 7
Because 7 ate 9. (kids love this one)
And mrsandman, get math textbook. It works.
elevationgain, funny.
What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and Corvette?
I don’t have a Corvette in my garage
I have a few:
Q: Why couldn’t helen Keller Drive?
A: because she was a woman.
One day mom was cleaning junior’s room. In the closet she found an S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, “Well, what should we do about this?”
Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don’t think you should spank him.
heh… this one is pretty bad…
A kid and a pedophile are walking through a dark forest. The kid turns to the pedophile and says “I’m scared”. The pedophile turns to the kid and says “you’re scared? I’m the one who is going to have to walk out of here alone”.
What do you call a fag on rollerblades??
ROL-AIDS
Ok guys bar joke.
There’s a businessman in town, goes to a bar after his long day at work. Bartender tells him we have a drink special tonight.
BT:See that Horse at the ned of the bar?
BM: Yes.
BT: Make him laugh and you drink free all night.
BM: I’ll give it a shot.
So the businessman goes over and whispers something in the horses ear, and the horse nearly pisses himself laughing. He gets free drinks all night.
Next day, same guy, same bar, but the drink special is different.
BT: Tonight if you make the horse cry you drink free all night.
BM: I’ll give it another shot.
He goes over and whispers something in the horses ear and the horse starts crying and throwing a temper tantrum.
So the bartender had a question for the businessman.
BT: How did you do that 2 nights in a row, no one has ever been able to do it even once.
BM: Oh that’s easy. Last night I told him I had a bigger dick than he did, and tonight I showed him.
[quote]Snoop wrote:
bino wrote:
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she was dead.
WTF? [/quote]
My words too! Hahaha!
A man went into confession and told the priest “forgive me father, for I have sinned. Yesterday I was out golfing and I cursed.” The priest told the man to tell his story. So he started, “well, I was on the 7th tee when I hit the perfect shot. Long, straight, middle of the fairway, you couldn’t ask for a better shot. I went up to my ball and I wasn’t even 30 feet from it when a squirrel runs by, takes my ball, and then proceeds into the woods.”
The priest cut him off and said “and that is when you cursed.”
“No, no, that’s not it” the guy told the priest. “Just when the squirrel reaches the rough a hawk flys by and snatches up the squirrel, still holding the ball, and starts flying off.”
Once again the priest cut him off and asked “Is that when you cursed?”
“No, that wasn’t it either, father.” The guy told him. “As the hawk was flying, it dropped the squirrel and the ball over the green and the ball ended up about four feet from the pin.”
Once more the priest cut him off and said, “Don’t tell me you missed the fucking putt.”
A young soldier was sent to serve in the desert. When he arrived his commanding officer welcomed him and then showed him around camp. He showed him where he would sleep, where he would eat, and where he would shower. The young soldier noticed a camel tied up outside of a tent. He asks “What is the camel for?” The officer replies “Oh, that is for when the men get lonely and need to… you know, release.”
So a few weeks go by and the soldier hasn’t busted a nut since he got there. He decided it was time. He made his way over to where the camel was tied up. He dropped his pants and banged the shit out of the camel while wondering why he had waited so long to do so.
The commanding officer walks by as the soldier is finishing up and says “That’s one way to do it, but why didn’t you just ride her into town and get a prostitute like the rest of the men?”
speaking of camels…a friend from India told me this one…
Why don’t they teach drivers ed and sex ed on the same day in Pakistan?
Too rough on the camel.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Ahhhh Waaaaa…
Ahhhh Waaaaa who?
…silence…
Hello?
[quote]futuredave wrote:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Ahhhh Waaaaa…
Ahhhh Waaaaa who?
…silence…
Hello?[/quote]
Am i dense tonight? I don’t get it and I’m really trying to.
What do you call a black man with no arms or legs?
If you want to hide your money from a mexican, where do you hide it?
–Under a bar of soap.
An Irish guy walks out of a bar…
How do hellen kellers parents punish her?
-Rearrange the furniture
-leave the plunger in the toilet bowl
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?
Why do you throw rocks at a black kid riding a bike down the block?
-Its your bike.
Hey, you said dirtiest most messed up jokes. But in all honesty, I’m not a racist or sexist or anything like that.
They’re just jokes.
[quote]engerland66 wrote:
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Trick Question. Feminists can’t change anything.[/quote]
lmao
Disgusting you want? Here we go:
Gynecologist and veterinarian play golf. The sun is shining, they had a few beers, so they are pretty drunk. Then both of them get paged - the gynecologist to the delivery room, the vet to deliver a bunch of piglets. As they’re drunk, and humans and pigs are kinda similar anyway, they decide to switch.
So the gynecologist helps deliver 6 healthy piglets - the mother-swine is fine, the farmer is pleased. Then slowly he sobers up, and realises that the vet’s where he should be! So he rushes to the hospital, but off course, he wouldn’t get into the delivery room. For hours and hours, he circles in the waiting room, worried about his approbation, the kid’s college fund - his very existence!
Finally, after ages, the vet comes out, totally exhausted. “What happened?” the gynecologist shouts fear-stricken, “Is the mother OK, is the baby alive?”
“No worries”, says the vet, “birth went just fine in half an hour, but it took ages to get the mother to eat the afterbirth…”
Now that’s German humour for you. I hope it did not loose too much in translation.
Makkun
Girlfriends
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with big breasts.
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it’s too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. “What’s wrong” asks the mother.
“I was having a pee and this bullet came out” replies the daughter. The mother tells her it’s okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears.
“Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out”. Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears.
“It’s okay” says the mom, “I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out.”
“No,” says the boy, “I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”