If you’re anything like me, you get a mailbox full of horseshit every month from various supplement companies (I once had a GNC membership shudder), ranging from the Cell-Tech newsletter, to a Lee Labrada MRP, to a pair of Biotest panties. The latter was actually accompanied by this note:
[quote][i]Happy Thanksgiving Mr. V*****,
These panties are the subtle yet effective way of showing that you’re “Dangerously Hardcore” at the holiday dinner table. Enjoy!
- Chris Shugart[/i][/quote]
But I digress. I also received a copy of “Real Solutions” magazine, a rag put out by iSatori, the makers of Lean System 7, Meta-Cel, and Eat-Smart. Now I have never heard of any of these supplements before, but I thought that while taking a morning shit, I would page through the magazine and let all of you out there in T-Land know what schlock these other supplement companies are putting out.
The first article consists of 18 transcribed emails (presumably the reader-base of this magazine) on the topic of ?Your Reasons for Bodybuilding.? Reader #16 with the username WannaHaveAbs responds with a list of reasons he does and does not bodybuild.
[quote]
Does:
- Because he has an inner love for himself.
- Because it keeps him humble.[/quote]
and my favorite,[quote] - Because it gives him an unending supply of “pumped confidence.”[/quote]
“Hmm,” is right.
[quote]
Does not:
- To impress onlookers.
- To look [better compared to other men].
- To look sexy.[/quote]
Now, I’m no rocket scientist but either this guy is stupid, or he’s a eunuch.
The next article is a real page-turner of a Supplement Q&A piece written by James O’Byrne. He tells us that the RTD (ready to drink) MRPs are not as good as the powdered ones, that Net Carbs are not actually total carbs, and that most of life’s problems (including divorce and world peace) can be solved by using iSatori supps. Thanks.
Mike Ryan, B.Sc. gets right to the point with his “Expert Trainer Q&A.” This piece is highlighted by the section: Squats-- Go deep or go home?, in which Ryan suggests that no one do ass-to-grass squats, and that athletes should do “above parallel” squats. Maybe they should do “above chest” benching too, and “halfway up” deadlifts. The column is rounded out with “dangerous exercises.” This is my favorite excerpt:
Well I’ve heard horror stories about fake breasts popping during rough sex, but that doesn’t mean I don’t… nevermind.
The next four or five spreads highlight iSatori’s protein blend, Eat-Smart. Its defining feature is that it comes unflavored, and you can add their proprietary flavor packets depending on whether you’re in the mood for “cheap whey with strawberry cheesecake” or “cheap whey with cinnamon bun.” I guess that’s great until your roommate steals all the flavor packets and you’re left with a protein shake that tastes like feet and boogers.
Their slogan is “Almost like cheating, but you’re not!”
Sort of like the time we paid that European hooker in Monopoly money.
Finally, the editor-in-chief, Stephen Adele, gives us the new breakthrough training program, Variable Split. The tagline reads:
And I wondered what all those fraternity boys were doing all these years. Sheesh. They must be on a really advanced version of this program, because I think they’re training arms six times more often than their legs. Anyway, Adele’s program is based on the notion that the smaller the muscle group, the more often you can train it. By that logic, I should be training my finger flexors and wrist sulpinators roughly every 37 minutes. Finally, an excuse for the veritable carpet of used tissues that surrounds my computer.
Happy crapping,
RIT Jared