Friends - How to Get Some?

Off Topic
21

[quote]Mike Benfield wrote:
I don’t really have any friends either. I had a few in high school, but they all moved away or we lost touch and I really haven’t spent any real time hanging out since then with anyone but my girlfriend (I’m 26).

I sympathize with some of your plight. You can’t really make statements along the lines of “Everybody else is too stupid for me” without offending everyone, but… a lot of people are really stupid. And I have never for one second understood the appeal of drinking or of parties in general or whatever other stupid things young people do in their spare time.

Thing is… I’m perfectly content this way. I see people during the day. I see my family regularly. I see my girlfriend a lot. I don’t feel lacking in socialization. What would friends do for me that I don’t have now?[/quote]

I’m going to agree with this line of thought. I’m not sure where this guy is from either. Some cities just have a really crappy social atmosphere, so that could be a big part of your problem.

I’d also definitely agree that there are a lot of stupid people out there. (Come on… How can you not agree with that?) I think the big problem with relating to other people who are still in their twenties is that a lot of them still “haven’t found themselves yet”. I think a lot of what we associate as this “shallow and stupid behavior” is really just them being insecure, immature, and still looking to impress everyone else.

I think you’ll find more people at your level when you reach your late twenties or early thirties. So for now I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Just keep being you, because I don’t really see anything wrong with the attitudes you have.

22

[quote]Jerome wrote:
I basically have no friends and my girlfriend thinks I should get some but I don’t really know how to go about it.

I talk to people at work quite a bit when I’m there and I did the same when I was doing my undergrad but once I leave work that is it. I also oddly talk to people at the gym on a regular basis, even if we don’t know each others names.

On the odd occasion that I have gone out I haven’t really enjoy it, mostly because I don’t know what to do with myself at a bar since I don’t drink or dance and that seems to be about all anyone under 30 does these days.

Another problem I seem to have is a general dislike of people my age, (twenties), and society’s current morals, I have the opinion that most people my age are either stupid from a lack of education or if they are educated they lack the drive of a blue collar worker and are self absorped and uppity.

If you can’t tell I was raised in a small blue collar town, which brings me to another point, while I perfer to be around such people I really can’t carry on a conversation with any of them regarding my work.

Is my thought process here normal? or should I become a hermit? Just looking for some opinions on the subject.
[/quote]

Dude, there isn’t a thing wrong with how you think. You have valid reasons for feeling that way and you shouldn’t have to force yourself to do dumb shit. I agree with everything you say.

Those who talk the most rarely have anything important to say.

23

go to www.meetup.com and maybe join a book club or chess ,etc.It will take you out of your normal element and you can find groups in your area that are into just about anything-including weightlifting,health,etc.-Jules

24

Funny thing is, I’ve found most successful bodybuilders I get to know personality to be very anti social in the first place.

25

Jerome:

Do you want friends?  Or do you just want to make some friends so your girlfriend will quit nagging you?
26

Does your girlfriend want you to get more friends because you’re too clingy and she’s tired of you hanging around her 24/7…or does she want you to get more friends because she wants to see you happier with your life?

27

[quote]Jack_Dempsey wrote:
Does your girlfriend want you to get more friends because you’re too clingy and she’s tired of you hanging around her 24/7…or does she want you to get more friends because she wants to see you happier with your life?[/quote]

I’m not clingy, in fact she thinks I spend to much time doing work and not enough with her.

She thinks I should get friends for two reasons, first reason is she thinks it’s wierd. Second reason is we moved to our current location 4 monthes ago, and while she has friends from our previous location she doesn’t see them and has yet to make any real friends here so if I made friends who had fiances/gfs/wives/whatever we could do couple stuff, whatever that may be.

28

How did you get a girlfriend in the first place…?

29

get a pet rock.

30

[quote]Miserere wrote:
How did you get a girlfriend in the first place…?[/quote]

Just talked to her, went on some dates, and became a couple. We both played a similar sport at the time we met, so perhaps that helped.

31

Hey Jerome, you’re fine. There’s nothing wrong with holding yourself to a higher moral/social standard than the majority of todays society. Heck, someone’s gotta do it! Watch the news. A movie. Read a newspaper or a book. The whole world is freakin’ nuts and everybody does basically what they want to without conscience or consequence.

We glorify stupidity and immorality. Don’t be that guy Jerome. As far as friends are concerned, they say that we only have one or two “real” friends at any given point in life anyway. Everyone else are just aquaintances; people that you know incidentally. Though you need both friends and aquaintances, friends are the most essential for longevity, health and enjoyment in life.

Strive to find your two friends Jerome. How? There’s a universal law that says if you’re friendly, other people will want to be around you. It’s that simple. Oh, and two things. One, learn how to dance. You don’t have to like to party to dance. Dancing is one of those social necessities that every man should know. Or at least it used to be before the world got turned upside down. And women like a man that can dance. It says things about him. Know what I mean?

And two, keep hittin’ the weights! That is what this site is all about, not this touchy-feely stuff. Besides, people tend to gravitate towards people who are good looking, and muscle is good looking!

32

Did you have friends in high school? If so, how did you get them and what did you do for fun with them?

I understand if people don’t like to drink or party, if it’s not your thing – fine, but why is it stupid? What’s wrong with going out and having fun and just living in the moment?

I also don’t understand intellectual superiority with regards to having friends. You can’t be friends with someone if they’re not as smart as you? Why? Do you only discuss theoretical physics all day? I have friends that are dumber than me and I have friends that are smarter than me. Intelligence has little bearing one’s ability to be a good friend.

That being said, there are plenty of dumb people I wouldn’t want as my friend, but there also plenty are smart people I don’t want either.

I think you should be more open to meeting people different from you. Open yourself up and learn about and from others.

On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with having little or no friends. If you are happy that way, so be it. You can only make friends if that is want YOU want. Good luck to you.

33

Hmmm why does your girlfriend want more of YOUR friends over? the only reasons i can come up with for this is because its a new relationship and she wants to get to know what ur like through your friends, or she is bored and trapped with you due to years of anti-social behaviour and wants to get closer to your friends to ‘wind up’ in the sack with them to spice up her life a little, not that anything is more exciting to a woman than holding lectures…LOL.

Maybe you are smarter (on a textbook level) than some of the people around you but guess what? they dont give a fuck, they are too busy enjoying their life to notice the self richeouse judgmental prick stood in the corner of the bars examining every movement of people trying to sum them up as inferior to make himself feel better, when u grow up and wise up you will realise ignorance IS bliss in their case however in yours… it is NOT.

34

Learning how to dance is one thing, but attaining true, real RHYTHM is a whole different ball game, brotha.

35

[quote]Jerome wrote:
Jack_Dempsey wrote:
Does your girlfriend want you to get more friends because you’re too clingy and she’s tired of you hanging around her 24/7…or does she want you to get more friends because she wants to see you happier with your life?

I’m not clingy, in fact she thinks I spend to much time doing work and not enough with her.

She thinks I should get friends for two reasons, first reason is she thinks it’s wierd. Second reason is we moved to our current location 4 monthes ago, and while she has friends from our previous location she doesn’t see them and has yet to make any real friends here so if I made friends who had fiances/gfs/wives/whatever we could do couple stuff, whatever that may be. [/quote]

If she actually said you not having friends is ‘‘wierd’’ right there she is socially challengeing you and does not respect you very much, she blames both of your lack of friendships solely on you which means she sees you as socially weaker than herself and blames you for the lack of friends she has and probably resents you on some level for being a drain on her social life because we all know social status is very, VERY important to a woman.

I had to post this up because i am an uneducated person and i wanted to show you how easy it is to judge everybody even without a few certificates from reading a few textbooks and passing a few multiple choice tests.

Honestly i would rather be uneducated and ‘‘stupid’’ than have a few pieces of paper as happy memories of my younger years, you are failing at life lets see if your smart enough to see that now.

36

[quote]Jerome wrote:
I basically have no friends and my girlfriend thinks I should get some but I don’t really know how to go about it.

I talk to people at work quite a bit when I’m there and I did the same when I was doing my undergrad but once I leave work that is it. I also oddly talk to people at the gym on a regular basis, even if we don’t know each others names.

On the odd occasion that I have gone out I haven’t really enjoy it, mostly because I don’t know what to do with myself at a bar since I don’t drink or dance and that seems to be about all anyone under 30 does these days.

Another problem I seem to have is a general dislike of people my age, (twenties), and society’s current morals, I have the opinion that most people my age are either stupid from a lack of education or if they are educated they lack the drive of a blue collar worker and are self absorped and uppity.

If you can’t tell I was raised in a small blue collar town, which brings me to another point, while I perfer to be around such people I really can’t carry on a conversation with any of them regarding my work.

Is my thought process here normal? or should I become a hermit? Just looking for some opinions on the subject.
[/quote]

from my perspective, it seems to me that you have all these criteria that a person has to fit in order to be your friend. For instance, not everyone is going to be educated and have the “drive”…the sooner you realize what’s important i.e. loyalty, a good moral compass etc the sooner you will be able to accept people as they are not as you want them to be… I once heard if you can count 5 people at your funeral, who you truly consider as your friends. You have lived a very good life.

37

You know what friends are good for:

  1. Moving furniture
  2. Sharing your dreams with
  3. Sharing your insecurities with
  4. Being there when you suffer a significant personal loss
    5.Being there when you suffer a significant personal gain/success
  5. Pointing out your shortcomings
  6. Pointing out your strengths
  7. Putting you in your place
  8. Putting you is someone elses place
  9. Moving furniture
    11.etc…

I have a myriad of friends from all different walks of life, different interests, hobbies, upbringings, etc… Each has one thing in common, they all have a place of value in my life, and I in their’s (s’ ?). I wouldn’t trade any of them for anything.

In fact I wish I was like you, it’d be ALOT easier. I have so many friends that when I want to go out for the weekend, no one calls me because they assume I’m already out with someone else and I get stuck at home by myself…wait, what??? :wink:

38

To have friends you’ve got to be engaging, social, and friendly to people. You can’t hold things above other people for the purpose of being condescending. No one cares if you had the hardest knock life in the world, or if you picked yourself up by your bootstraps and never took hand-outs from anyone. No one cares. That doesn’t make anyone want to be your friend any more or less. Additionally, to judge people based on their activities is also not conducive towards making friends.

The more exclusivity you attach to what it takes to be your friend, the less likely you are to have any friends at all. Worse still, if you have this negative sort of “I’m unique” perspective, then the friends you might get will be just like you and you’ll collectively sit around being grumpy at people. Not my idea of a good friendship.

It is similar to weight training. What is the most effective way to get fucking enormous? Squats and milk or Bicep curls in the squat rack?

In my life, I used to be like you. I believed that somehow my peers were just kind of beneath me. I’m pretty straight-edge, and I generally have some disdain for people that define how much fun they are having by how many ounces of beer they have consumed. But, in social settings, or even in more close-knit friend settings. If I’m going to be negative and closed up about my opinion, people will just think that I am a bitter and negative loser, and they will be right. Today, even when I don’t necessarily mesh with certain activities, I don’t hold my nose up to them either. I have fun on my own terms, with people, without people. I have plenty of friends and acquaintances, go out regularly, and have a good time, I didn’t have to sacrifice any of my integrity or delusions of grandeur to do it either.

Yes, you don’t want to sacrifice your own personal standards. But you also don’t want to vilify others for not fulfilling those standards. They are just people, people come and people go. The less you interact with them, the less likely you are to make friends, connections, network…etc.

Lastly. Like most things. Don’t do it just because someone wants you to do it or it is expected of you. Decide whether or not you want friends, and then from their, set-up your life so that it is conducive to that goal.

39

There are different kinds of friends.

Some your are tight with, others you just do little things like watch a game at the bar with.

While interest plays alot into friendships, it is not everything. You might have one friend who likes remote control cars, another who likes playing basketball.

Unfortunately it sounds like you have run into a common problem of a focused but non elite athlete. You spent your entire youth learning focusing on school, and working out. To the point where you lack interest in other things, and lost the social skill to be able to talk to someone about things other than the obviuos(like what to talk about at a bar other than alcohol)

You do have to choose whether you want to be a hermit or develop friends. Because getting friends when you haven’t learned how to is going to take the time and effort that you did not put into it during highschool and college years.
Theres no quick solution anyone here can tell you, such as go out and tell person X “hello, do you have this interest that I have?” but there are plenty of books articals and information out there, just remember the best way is experience, force yourself to try and be everybody’s friend and you’ll learn to adjust.

40

[quote]vegeta4u wrote:
Jerome wrote:
Jack_Dempsey wrote:
Does your girlfriend want you to get more friends because you’re too clingy and she’s tired of you hanging around her 24/7…or does she want you to get more friends because she wants to see you happier with your life?

I’m not clingy, in fact she thinks I spend to much time doing work and not enough with her.

She thinks I should get friends for two reasons, first reason is she thinks it’s wierd. Second reason is we moved to our current location 4 monthes ago, and while she has friends from our previous location she doesn’t see them and has yet to make any real friends here so if I made friends who had fiances/gfs/wives/whatever we could do couple stuff, whatever that may be.

If she actually said you not having friends is ‘‘wierd’’ right there she is socially challengeing you and does not respect you very much, she blames both of your lack of friendships solely on you which means she sees you as socially weaker than herself and blames you for the lack of friends she has and probably resents you on some level for being a drain on her social life because we all know social status is very, VERY important to a woman.

I had to post this up because i am an uneducated person and i wanted to show you how easy it is to judge everybody even without a few certificates from reading a few textbooks and passing a few multiple choice tests.

Honestly i would rather be uneducated and ‘‘stupid’’ than have a few pieces of paper as happy memories of my younger years, you are failing at life lets see if your smart enough to see that now.[/quote]

People can be uneducated formally and still be educated in other areas of life, there are many people my senior who have only a highschool degree or less who through years of working have “educated” themselves. These are not the people I refer to when I say uneducated.

The people I refer to as uneducated are people like my sister and her boyfriend, both are highschool drop outs, both have no job and are on welfare, and niether can carry on a conversation about anything remotely intelligent.

As for your dumb multiple choice comment I haven’t taken a multiple choice test since high school, I went to University for a real degree, (eng), not some cake degree.