I’d love if society were less pro-natalist. I wish women like me were not told from a young age that children are expected. In my experience, many don’t realize that having children can be a choice, and it is eye-opening for them. Do I think society would be better if people who are not 110% aware and excited for what parenthood brings do not have children? Yes. I love when people have that choice. Is that realistic, especially right now? No, and humans often aren’t rational even if there is a choice. Do I wave a childfree flag around my community and friends? Also no.
All I do is lead the life I want and, if prompted, offer my opinion on the matter. Although some of my friends share my views, I know others will have kids. And I will support them. I very much believe in the “it takes a village to raise a child” mantra. Being a parent is an important and more often than not fulfilling job and experience. But it’s far from the only, contrary to what society has told me and many of my peers.
What about the possibility that the women who raise these children could also solve a problem important to everyone but, maybe contrary to their expectations, surrender their identity, time, and finances among other things to parenthood and therefore lack the resources to do so?
Power, social conditioning, misery loving company, etc.
I think there is a difference between regretting having children and regretting having a child specifically, though they’re not mutually exclusive. I realize that most parents love their children.
Also think there is a difference between regretting having children and regretting having children with the wrong person. Cannot tell you how many times I have heard parents tell their kids “the only good thing that came from your dad/mum is you”
I never got that either. But it also stems from the fact that single childless women are happier when young but research has shown/ suggested that as childless women age they tend to feel “unfulfilled” regardless of financial situations or career achievements
Yes, and this is a big reason why so many middle-aged people in the USA – women especially – are so disillusioned with parenthood because they are more or less on their own. People unfortunately change, sometimes for the worse and or after children, or show their true colors. This can worsen the experience, but people can still regret parenthood despite healthy dynamics with their partner. Again, I suspect that those in the latter camp had children because they were “supposed to.”
I don’t doubt that this happens, but I also think there is a difference between being childless and being childfree.
I really wish that the babydoll/ fairy tale unrealistic narrative would die.
Tell women from an early age:
“its going to be 3 years minimum of noise, puke, and shit. After that- lots of blood, probably some broken bones.”.
" If you choose wrong, baby daddy is going to split as soon as the fun is over. Marginal daddy is going to stick around, but its going to be pretty chilly in that house. The good ones are worth their weight in gold. Treat them as such.".
Haha, I get the sense more that heterosexual women who do not believe that being a stay-at-home mother is their calling should offer to watch a friend or family member’s kids but leave them with their partner for at least a weekend if not a week. See how that goes. A lot of male partners will get the idea and lean toward “no.” This will irk a lot of people here, but it’s usually (of course not always) the man who does not know what he is getting into.
But you’re not wrong: lots of women don’t know how much work and sacrifice parenthood requires, almost blindly walking into it as well but mostly because they are expected to do so without question. Motherhood is also rarely depicted negatively.
My SIL is about to have a baby, and also around the same time two step children every other week. So baby daddy moving in, newborn baby, and two step children a week at a time.
She lasted about 2 weeks with a puppy before saying it was to much work and giving it to a friend. She actually stated at the time of giving up the puppy that she thought a baby would be easier (this was maybe 2-3 years ago).
I don’t have children but have a puppy (aussie/gsp mix), it’s so much more work than I imagined, seriously, seriously doubt it is close to a child however.
No doubt puppies are a lot of work. I’ve had one of them. I agree though that it is easier than a baby. You can’t put up a little fence in the kitchen for the baby while you are at work. You can ignore a puppy at night that barks or howls. You can feed a puppy twice a day. If you do this to a baby, it very well may be taken away from you (and for good reason).
I adore dogs, but I will not be in a position anytime soon to get one. I am even starting to doubt my desire to get one because I love the freedom of being able to, for example, travel whenever I want without thinking twice.
But caring for a child is almost always way more work (and absolutely not for me). It actually irks me a bit when people say they are a “dog/cat/fill-in-the-blank mom.” I think it dilutes how much work actual parenthood entails.
I am a little late to this discussion, but you have said so many great points on this topic.
I have also chosen to never be a parent. All of my siblings have at least one child, and watching them raise kids only reinforced that choice. My mother did not take this information well. Being one of 7 kids, we were everything to her. I have been married for 7 years, and it took my mom 5 years to stop asking when my husband and I were going to have kids. She always tells me how much of a “blessing” they are.
It is a society expecation for sure, particularlly in my state, where 5+ kids is a norm, an expectation even. We are constantly asked by strangers when we are going to have children, then met with baffled looks when we say never. It’s like watching a robot short-circuit out of disbelief.
I agree on the dog comment as well. They are awesome animals, but I love travelling and my flexability.
