Update:
Weighed in at 189-190ish. I usually don’t bat an eyelash concerning what the scale says, but today I almost I destroyed the scale. I’m not sure what caused me to get angry really.
The mirror is telling me a whole different story. Slowly leaning out. Which…is more or less the goal. Made my mind up about that some time ago once the challenge started.
I have been cycling my ass off, to which I’ve now gotten pretty good at. I don’t care to join a cycling event, for now.
Hubby accompanied me on my last ride, and will still not admit that he freaking sucks at endurance stuff. This ain’t mountain biking, or anything he does at the skate park. But I admire him being supportive and adorably hardheaded.
On the other hand I’m panicking and I’m pissed off because I’m doing everything I can to bring my eating back to “normal”. As far as nutrition goes…it mostly doesn’t. I eat once a day, and it’s solely consisting of foods I consider “safe”. I HATE that I’m backtracking. I’m kind of overcompensating and eating one large meal with various micro and macro nutrients, since it’s the only thing I’m allowing myself to keep down.
I’m also trying to time when I eat. I’m in dire needs right after any training so a few hours after I force myself to sit down and eat, and immediately make myself lay down so my mind can’t rationalize irrational behavior.
At work though…whole different story. I’ll spend 30 min chunks of time just roaming the food departments. Which I hate. I’m fully sucked into this ongoing cycle of rumination consisting of what I would do if I bought a bunch of the food I’m looking at. By the time I look up it’s time to clock out, and at least I go somewhere more familiar and comfortable when I’m at home. I have healthier things to think about, and supportive people to talk to.
I’m not binging, but if I eat anything I don’t consider safe, I will not keep it down.
I’m beating myself up because I can’t even slow my mind down enough to at least employ something…anything that usually helps. As soon as I eat whatever it is I consider “unsafe”, I find myself in the bathroom or restroom or wherever the hell I am almost immediately.
At the VERY least I quickly made a little safety kit. Just things I know to help afterwards. Acid reducing drinks, cold compresses for my eyes, mint tea, something chalky and coating for the stomach, peppermints, electrolyte packets, etc.
Am I disappointed? Yeah. And that’s okay. But that’s about all I can be for now. I was angry. I was really sad about it. Embarrassed, you name it, I’ve felt it recently. But I’d rather feel what I feel, and let the usual optimism and overcoming spirit make its way back. I wanna rush it, but that’s cause for even worse regression. So alas…I keep going…that way. The good way. Wherever it is. Wherever I want it to be.
My therapist has been very supportive as well. I think she kind of backs off when she knows I’m not doing too well. Most times she will change the session from talking to hands on activities. Usually like reading, or drawing, which is my FAVORITE), or we go sit outside and stuff.
