Do you get along with them? Love them as your own?
I have 20 year old step daughter who has been mine since she was 4. Love her like my own for sure.
i have one about to turn 8 i have been raising her as my own since she was 1 1/2.
I am a step-child.
My step-mother came in the scene when I was about 12 or 13. My dad and her married by the time I was 14 and my brother was born when I was 15, and my little sister when I was 17.
She definitely cared for me and treated me well (and I didn’t rebel or show disrespect), but I’m positive she did not see me as “one of her own” and I did not see her as my mother.
On the other hand, my older sister is not actually my father’s biological daughter, but he started raising her while she was 1 or so, all the way to adulthood. I feel that he treated her as “his own”, and if there were any differences between us it was only because of age and being the -son- vs the daughter kind of thing.
TLDR I think age /maturity and time are important. If they’re already a teenager or about to be, they’re likely very independent and they may be going to live on their own in just a few years and you miss all the bonding done from childhood.}
TLDR2: does it even matter if it’s complicated or not the exact same as if they had been your own? Love them with as much of your heart as you can. Whether or not YOU can do that OP, you’re the only one who knows…
(Yes my family situation is complicated and all my siblings are related by blood through only one parent lol)
Yes, I have two daughters, (I don’t use the word step). I came into their lives when they were 9 and 14. I absolutely looooove them as if they are my biological kids. Yet again, it is easy to do since they are about as close to perfect as two girls can be; smart, great in school, CHRISTian, everything a man would want from his own kids.
Step children can be the bane of one’s existence.
[quote]angry chicken wrote:
Step children can be the bane of one’s existence.[/quote]
True, but I betcha a step parent is more commonly the bane of someone’s existence.
[quote]huslinbriks wrote:
Love them as your own? [/quote]
If you’re not going to, or cant… Don’t get serious with their mother/father.
both of my kids are step kids. I’ve been in their lives since they were 3 and 5, and now they are close to 30.
I love them as if they were my own, and they are the only kids I have ever had, so I guess they are my own.
Their dad comes in and out of thier lives, and he has a new family with kids all his own.
They are both college grads, living productive lives, so I dont think they were damaged any more than usual.
Raising kids is tough, whether they are your own, or step kids, or whatever.
my $.02~
Edgy~
[quote]on edge wrote:
[quote]angry chicken wrote:
Step children can be the bane of one’s existence.[/quote]
True, but I betcha a step parent is more commonly the bane of someone’s existence.[/quote]
Don’t get me going… I had one for 22 years and she was evil. The only connotation I can make with her and the word “mother” has the f-word following it. I am proud that I went all those years for mother’s day without giving her a card, flowers or the sweat off my balls.
I have a step son I known him since he was four he is now 23. I always loved him and knew it was a package deal. I will be honest there was a few years in his teens where I admit I didnt like him, we butted heads alot during those times. We were and are very different people, but the love and concern for him were always there and still is. Not only do I now (and always) consider him my son, I also consider him a friend.
Some very cool posts in this thread.
[quote]huslinbriks wrote:
Do you get along with them? Love them as your own? [/quote]
Hey Smooth, I didn’t notice it was you before.
Here’s the deal, the older the kid the more work it is for you to connect with them at a deep level but it’s still your job to make that connection.
If the kid is 3 they are going to love you in short order and you will feel strong for them in return. Shouldn’t be a problem there. If the kid is 6, his thought is “you’re not my daddy, who are you to tell me what to do?” and “Thats MY momma”, etc. In this case you have to put a little work into it to break through and connect with the child. Put your arm around him and pull him in to snuggle while watching TV. Tell them how proud you are of them and give them a nice hug if they do something good. Hold their hand while walking in the park. Endless other little ways to make an emotional connection.
If the kid is 13 you will really have your work cut out for you and you may never be able to make the same type of connection you could with a younger child. As the adult though, it’s your job to figure it out and make sure you have a good relationship with him. You are an outsider who from their perspective is forced upon them. You need to make it’s good for them.
Would you think it is more difficult to connect with the child if they have an absent father who they don’t really know or if they already have a dad who has some type of partial custody?
[quote]strungoutboy21 wrote:
Would you think it is more difficult to connect with the child if they have an absent father who they don’t really know or if they already have a dad who has some type of partial custody?[/quote]
Depends on the dad. If the present father is rational, that could be a decent situation. If he’s bitter at mom and trying get back at her through the kid, that would suck. If it’s an absent dad, the kid could either just not care about him or devise some type of Fantasy Dad in their mind to compare you to.
My daughter’s dad only popped in a few times a year, even though he lived a couple of hours away (not far by Texas standards at all). Swoop in, take her out for a fun filled day with no discipline and her every request being met. Then he slithers back to his new family for 6 months.
She idolized him when she was really young. When he would tell her he was coming X weekend and then not show up at all, completely crushing her, she would take it out on her mom and me. He could do no wrong.
It wasn’t until she was about 12 that she was smart/strong enough to accept that her dad was a total flake. That’s about the age I feel like she just decided I was her dad, I was the one taking care of her, I was the one who was there for her day in and day out, and he was the guy who tried to buy her affection every now and then.
Before that there was always a hint of “you’re not my real dad”, especially when I had to discipline her. After she had the epiphany that I was her best option, I never got that feeling from her again.
I’m divorced from her mother now and my daughter is in England, but I talk/chat/text with her a couple of times a week (more often than her mother does and certainly more often that her father).
[quote]doogie wrote:
[quote]strungoutboy21 wrote:
Would you think it is more difficult to connect with the child if they have an absent father who they don’t really know or if they already have a dad who has some type of partial custody?[/quote]
Depends on the dad. If the present father is rational, that could be a decent situation. If he’s bitter at mom and trying get back at her through the kid, that would suck. If it’s an absent dad, the kid could either just not care about him or devise some type of Fantasy Dad in their mind to compare you to.
My daughter’s dad only popped in a few times a year, even though he lived a couple of hours away (not far by Texas standards at all). Swoop in, take her out for a fun filled day with no discipline and her every request being met. Then he slithers back to his new family for 6 months.
She idolized him when she was really young. When he would tell her he was coming X weekend and then not show up at all, completely crushing her, she would take it out on her mom and me. He could do no wrong.
It wasn’t until she was about 12 that she was smart/strong enough to accept that her dad was a total flake. That’s about the age I feel like she just decided I was her dad, I was the one taking care of her, I was the one who was there for her day in and day out, and he was the guy who tried to buy her affection every now and then.
Before that there was always a hint of “you’re not my real dad”, especially when I had to discipline her. After she had the epiphany that I was her best option, I never got that feeling from her again.
I’m divorced from her mother now and my daughter is in England, but I talk/chat/text with her a couple of times a week (more often than her mother does and certainly more often that her father).[/quote]
Right on. Thanks for the response. I’ve always wondered that myself in case I ever got involved with a women with kids.
[quote]doogie wrote:
[quote]strungoutboy21 wrote:
Would you think it is more difficult to connect with the child if they have an absent father who they don’t really know or if they already have a dad who has some type of partial custody?[/quote]
Depends on the dad. If the present father is rational, that could be a decent situation. If he’s bitter at mom and trying get back at her through the kid, that would suck. If it’s an absent dad, the kid could either just not care about him or devise some type of Fantasy Dad in their mind to compare you to.
My daughter’s dad only popped in a few times a year, even though he lived a couple of hours away (not far by Texas standards at all). Swoop in, take her out for a fun filled day with no discipline and her every request being met. Then he slithers back to his new family for 6 months.
She idolized him when she was really young. When he would tell her he was coming X weekend and then not show up at all, completely crushing her, she would take it out on her mom and me. He could do no wrong.
It wasn’t until she was about 12 that she was smart/strong enough to accept that her dad was a total flake. That’s about the age I feel like she just decided I was her dad, I was the one taking care of her, I was the one who was there for her day in and day out, and he was the guy who tried to buy her affection every now and then.
Before that there was always a hint of “you’re not my real dad”, especially when I had to discipline her. After she had the epiphany that I was her best option, I never got that feeling from her again.
I’m divorced from her mother now and my daughter is in England, but I talk/chat/text with her a couple of times a week (more often than her mother does and certainly more often that her father).[/quote]
Despite the divorces and shitty dad, that’s actually a great story.
[quote]LankyMofo wrote:
[quote]doogie wrote:
[quote]strungoutboy21 wrote:
Would you think it is more difficult to connect with the child if they have an absent father who they don’t really know or if they already have a dad who has some type of partial custody?[/quote]
Depends on the dad. If the present father is rational, that could be a decent situation. If he’s bitter at mom and trying get back at her through the kid, that would suck. If it’s an absent dad, the kid could either just not care about him or devise some type of Fantasy Dad in their mind to compare you to.
My daughter’s dad only popped in a few times a year, even though he lived a couple of hours away (not far by Texas standards at all). Swoop in, take her out for a fun filled day with no discipline and her every request being met. Then he slithers back to his new family for 6 months.
She idolized him when she was really young. When he would tell her he was coming X weekend and then not show up at all, completely crushing her, she would take it out on her mom and me. He could do no wrong.
It wasn’t until she was about 12 that she was smart/strong enough to accept that her dad was a total flake. That’s about the age I feel like she just decided I was her dad, I was the one taking care of her, I was the one who was there for her day in and day out, and he was the guy who tried to buy her affection every now and then.
Before that there was always a hint of “you’re not my real dad”, especially when I had to discipline her. After she had the epiphany that I was her best option, I never got that feeling from her again.
I’m divorced from her mother now and my daughter is in England, but I talk/chat/text with her a couple of times a week (more often than her mother does and certainly more often that her father).[/quote]
Despite the divorces and shitty dad, that’s actually a great story.
[/quote]
He finally won his step daughter over and then her mother divorced him and that is a great story?
How about not having relationships with single moms or invest even a farthing into their children?
How about no story instead of that great a story?
How about single moms dont give a fuck, they say they do, but their actions scream they dont?
How about not contributing to or be understanding of child abuse, which single mom-dome is.
[quote]orion wrote:
[quote]LankyMofo wrote:
[quote]doogie wrote:
[quote]strungoutboy21 wrote:
Would you think it is more difficult to connect with the child if they have an absent father who they don’t really know or if they already have a dad who has some type of partial custody?[/quote]
Depends on the dad. If the present father is rational, that could be a decent situation. If he’s bitter at mom and trying get back at her through the kid, that would suck. If it’s an absent dad, the kid could either just not care about him or devise some type of Fantasy Dad in their mind to compare you to.
My daughter’s dad only popped in a few times a year, even though he lived a couple of hours away (not far by Texas standards at all). Swoop in, take her out for a fun filled day with no discipline and her every request being met. Then he slithers back to his new family for 6 months.
She idolized him when she was really young. When he would tell her he was coming X weekend and then not show up at all, completely crushing her, she would take it out on her mom and me. He could do no wrong.
It wasn’t until she was about 12 that she was smart/strong enough to accept that her dad was a total flake. That’s about the age I feel like she just decided I was her dad, I was the one taking care of her, I was the one who was there for her day in and day out, and he was the guy who tried to buy her affection every now and then.
Before that there was always a hint of “you’re not my real dad”, especially when I had to discipline her. After she had the epiphany that I was her best option, I never got that feeling from her again.
I’m divorced from her mother now and my daughter is in England, but I talk/chat/text with her a couple of times a week (more often than her mother does and certainly more often that her father).[/quote]
Despite the divorces and shitty dad, that’s actually a great story.
[/quote]
He finally won his step daughter over and then her mother divorced him and that is a great story?
How about not having relationships with single moms or invest even a farthing into their children?
How about no story instead of that great a story?
How about single moms dont give a fuck, they say they do, but their actions scream they dont?
How about not contributing to or be understanding of child abuse, which single mom-dome is. [/quote]
Dumb response as usual.
[quote]orion wrote:
[quote]LankyMofo wrote:
[quote]doogie wrote:
[quote]strungoutboy21 wrote:
Would you think it is more difficult to connect with the child if they have an absent father who they don’t really know or if they already have a dad who has some type of partial custody?[/quote]
Depends on the dad. If the present father is rational, that could be a decent situation. If he’s bitter at mom and trying get back at her through the kid, that would suck. If it’s an absent dad, the kid could either just not care about him or devise some type of Fantasy Dad in their mind to compare you to.
My daughter’s dad only popped in a few times a year, even though he lived a couple of hours away (not far by Texas standards at all). Swoop in, take her out for a fun filled day with no discipline and her every request being met. Then he slithers back to his new family for 6 months.
She idolized him when she was really young. When he would tell her he was coming X weekend and then not show up at all, completely crushing her, she would take it out on her mom and me. He could do no wrong.
It wasn’t until she was about 12 that she was smart/strong enough to accept that her dad was a total flake. That’s about the age I feel like she just decided I was her dad, I was the one taking care of her, I was the one who was there for her day in and day out, and he was the guy who tried to buy her affection every now and then.
Before that there was always a hint of “you’re not my real dad”, especially when I had to discipline her. After she had the epiphany that I was her best option, I never got that feeling from her again.
I’m divorced from her mother now and my daughter is in England, but I talk/chat/text with her a couple of times a week (more often than her mother does and certainly more often that her father).[/quote]
Despite the divorces and shitty dad, that’s actually a great story.
[/quote]
He finally won his step daughter over and then her mother divorced him and that is a great story?
How about not having relationships with single moms or invest even a farthing into their children?
How about no story instead of that great a story?
How about single moms dont give a fuck, they say they do, but their actions scream they dont?
How about not contributing to or be understanding of child abuse, which single mom-dome is. [/quote]
How about we all be terrified of being fucked over?
How about as a result we carefully avoid caring about anyone and call it “politics” or a “rational reaction”?
How about we live a life of solitude, broken only by sad, meaningless encounters?
Why would you come in here and tell people who are expressing joy in their relationships that they ought not have them?