Advice About My Kid

Off Topic
1

Okay so I have a couple things weighing heavily on my mind and maybe some of you have some advice or experience or something. If nothing else I will feel better talking about it!
So my kid is 6.5 and a real great, fun (smart) kiddo and we get along great. His dad has always been a big stresser because he’s a pretty disgusting excuse for a human being. He had no involvement in gabe’s life until a few years ago when he filed for partial custody. He was also in jail for a year and when he got out he got over night access with my kid.

Now this has really been hard on him. He hates it … a lot. He says he hates his daddy and wants him to die . I asked what he was doing one day when I called from work and he said he was pretending to kill his dad! He says he wishes he had a different daddy and doesn’t love him. He begs me to not make him sleep there but I have no choice. When he comes home he acts psycho. Like screaming about everything and smacking my hand away if I try to console him.

He yells a lot and is very very hard to tslk to. It lasts a couple days until daddy weekend wears off. Which is ok in the summer but back to school on monday is hard. He says he’s scared if he accidently does something wrong and gets in trouble from daddy because he’s scared to death of him. He can’t wait until he is older so he can defend himself. But that scares me because his dad is very violent and I’ve seen him do some pretty vicious things.

All of this is really breaking my heart and I feel totally usless. Is there something I could do or someone to talk to or something? I dunno. My kid is usually so kind and sweet but he’s a different person when he comes home… anyway any suggestions would be great. Sorry for any typos I suck at typing with my phone and thanks for listening (reading)

2

[quote]Spock81 wrote:
Okay so I have a couple things weighing heavily on my mind and maybe some of you have some advice or experience or something. If nothing else I will feel better talking about it!
So my kid is 6.5 and a real great, fun (smart) kiddo and we get along great. His dad has always been a big stresser because he’s a pretty disgusting excuse for a human being. He had no involvement in gabe’s life until a few years ago when he filed for partial custody. He was also in jail for a year and when he got out he got over night access with my kid. Now this has really been hard on him. He hates it … a lot. He says he hates his daddy and wants him to die . I asked what he was doing one day when I called from work and he said he was pretending to kill his dad! He says he wishes he had a different daddy and doesn’t love him. He begs me to not make him sleep there but I have no choice. When he comes home he acts psycho. Like screaming about everything and smacking my hand away if I try to console him. He yells a lot and is very very hard to tslk to. It lasts a couple days until daddy weekend wears off. Which is ok in the summer but back to school on monday is hard. He says he’s scared if he accidently does something wrong and gets in trouble from daddy because he’s scared to death of him. He can’t wait until he is older so he can defend himself. But that scares me because his dad is very violent and I’ve seen him do some pretty vicious things.
All of this is really breaking my heart and I feel totally usless. Is there something I could do or someone to talk to or something? I dunno. My kid is usually so kind and sweet but he’s a different person when he comes home… anyway any suggestions would be great. Sorry for any typos I suck at typing with my phone and thanks for listening (reading)[/quote]

Is it worthwhile asking the father about this?

To eliminate the obvious, are you talking bad about the useless piece of shit father? My mom, for all her faults, always held my biological father up, even though he was a complete piece of shit that I don’t even remember meeting until I was an adult. (Sometimes, she just bit her tounge, which is about 90% of what it takes.)

3

You need to talk to child services or whatever it is they have in Canada. If you tell them all that you just said I imagine they will have to do something. I don’t know how expensive it would be to try and get his custody taken away and a restraining order or something, but he’s obviously fucking up your son. In the states at least I don’t think it’s usually too difficult to fuck over dear old dad in court. I would take your son to like a family counselor as well if you have the means.

4

Jeez, I feel for you. Do you talk to Gabe’s dad at all? I’m guessing even if you did, he doesn’t sound like the type that would be receptive to constructive criticism. How about his parents? Does your son see his grandparents at all?

Have to asked your son why he hates daddy? Has he ever given you reason to believe he’s being hit or verbally abused? Your next call may be to a family law lawyer and ask for the custody arrangement to be changed. You may also want to see if you can help your son process what’s going on in his life.

5

I am thinking maybe a lawyer to go over your options and point you in the right direction would be step one. Or maybe a counselor for your kid and a call to CPS. Seems like the best first steps.

6

[quote]csulli wrote:
You need to talk to child services or whatever it is they have in Canada. If you tell them all that you just said I imagine they will have to do something. I don’t know how expensive it would be to try and get his custody taken away and a restraining order or something, but he’s obviously fucking up your son. In the states at least I don’t think it’s usually too difficult to fuck over dear old dad in court. I would take your son to like a family counselor as well if you have the means.[/quote]

CPS is fucking bad idea, unless the kid is 100% getting abused.

They are just trouble to be around. I’ve seen them take kids for basically no reason from decent people and leave kids with the complete psychos. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

7

I’m with Ruff on this. Unless you are sure your son is being abused by his father you need to build up the father to your son so he doesn’t see visitation as a bad thing and isn’t afraid of him.

The man was a stranger to your son until a short time ago. Imagine you are five years old and suddenly having to spend a weekend with a some dude you don’t even know. On top of that you sense your momma is scared or maybe even has said bad things about the man. This is a scary thing for a child. Every other weekend leaves a long time in between so your son never gets used to being with him and the cycle repeats over and over.

I think you should talk to the father and both agree to set aside any negative feelings you have for each other and agree to meet AT LEAST once a week for some time with your son. Meet at a park and give the man a warm hug and talk friendly with him. Walk hand in hand. Sit together when the boy is on the monkey bars. This won’t be easy but you need to do it for your son.

Btw I have a boy who turned 6 in March.

8

[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:

[quote]csulli wrote:
You need to talk to child services or whatever it is they have in Canada. If you tell them all that you just said I imagine they will have to do something. I don’t know how expensive it would be to try and get his custody taken away and a restraining order or something, but he’s obviously fucking up your son. In the states at least I don’t think it’s usually too difficult to fuck over dear old dad in court. I would take your son to like a family counselor as well if you have the means.[/quote]

CPS is fucking bad idea, unless the kid is 100% getting abused.

They are just trouble to be around. I’ve seen them take kids for basically no reason from decent people and leave kids with the complete psychos. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.[/quote]

x1000

9

Forget what I said about CPS then for sure.

on edge you may be on to something I guess. Spock may have to some extent expressed fear and hatred of him herself, and her son may be trying to fight for her in some regard against dad. That being said, the possibility still exists that the dad is a massive negative influence who is very badly affecting his son’s psyche. Anyway I doubt he’s that great of a guy. I remember something about him getting away with some sort of vehicular homicide.

10

What’s the difference between CPS and a pitbull?

With a pitbull, you have a 50/50 chance of getting your kid back.

11

Went through a similar situation with my fiancé’s little boy, who I now have custody of. Typical pos no job loser who came round when he felt like it which was 1-2 time a year. When she passed he came immediately and tried to get his SS card so he could file his SS and draw foodstamps etc on him since he’s a compete piece of shit.

I would also suggest against CPS unless you have a lawyer and he is doing harm or had poor living conditions etc. We used CPS once a lawyer was established and papers were in motion to build a better case and have more damning evidence which we didn’t even need in court, but had it in our pockets. He can only see him now if he pays and is on my terms at my house or his grandparents house.

I would honestly talk to a lawyer and possibly a counselor first so she can get an unbiased view of what’s going on. Then proceed from there. My little guy turns 6 in December so almost the exact age :).

12

[quote]on edge wrote:
I’m with Ruff on this. Unless you are sure your son is being abused by his father you need to build up the father to your son so he doesn’t see visitation as a bad thing and isn’t afraid of him.

The man was a stranger to your son until a short time ago. Imagine you are five years old and suddenly having to spend a weekend with a some dude you don’t even know. On top of that you sense your momma is scared or maybe even has said bad things about the man. This is a scary thing for a child. Every other weekend leaves a long time in between so your son never gets used to being with him and the cycle repeats over and over.

I think you should talk to the father and both agree to set aside any negative feelings you have for each other and agree to meet AT LEAST once a week for some time with your son. Meet at a park and give the man a warm hug and talk friendly with him. Walk hand in hand. Sit together when the boy is on the monkey bars. This won’t be easy but you need to do it for your son.

Btw I have a boy who turned 6 in March.[/quote]

Ya, there’s a lot of factors at play here that can have a direct or indirect effect on how your son acts. The way he understands the world is still being shaped.

His dad very well could be a scumbag, but your son saying he hates him and wants to kill him isn’t good for anyone. But on the flip side, he could simply be saying it because he thinks it’s what you want to hear. Either way, it’s not a good reaction for him to have. You don’t want your son having a “I’m going to kill him” attitude towards anyone, regardless. That’s not a healthy way to grow up.

In a perfect world, your son simply being a happy little kid and being around would help his father realize he’s being a scumbag and turn his life around, then you all (including your son, most importantly) would be a lot happier.

I agree that you should definitely let him visit with a counselor of some sort. A professional could find out some things that you never even realized.

Also, if he isn’t coming home with bruises or other injuries, I’d probably steer away from CPS, that can get very messy. In the states, at least in MD, there is supposedly no longer an emphasis towards the mother and they swing it by saying their top goal is to put the child in whatever situation is the best for them. So if it were here and the father wasn’t clearly doing anything bad, then it would be pretty hard to take him from his son if he at least showed up to court and defended himself whenever he had the opportunity.

It’s a tough situation and I’m going through something similar, at the moment. I think as long as you put in the work, stay aware, and do the right thing for your son, it will turn out ok when it’s all said and done. Keep your head up.

13

[quote]Bauber wrote:
Went through a similar situation with my fiancé’s little boy, who I now have custody of. Typical pos no job loser who came round when he felt like it which was 1-2 time a year. When she passed he came immediately and tried to get his SS card so he could file his SS and draw foodstamps etc on him since he’s a compete piece of shit.

I would also suggest against CPS unless you have a lawyer and he is doing harm or had poor living conditions etc. We used CPS once a lawyer was established and papers were in motion to build a better case and have more damning evidence which we didn’t even need in court, but had it in our pockets. He can only see him now if he pays and is on my terms at my house or his grandparents house.

I would honestly talk to a lawyer and possibly a counselor first so she can get an unbiased view of what’s going on. Then proceed from there. My little guy turns 6 in December so almost the exact age :).[/quote]

Bauber, I didn’t know this about you but would just like to commend you on being such a stand up guy. You didn’t have to do that for the kid and not a lot of people in your position would have unfortunately. Anyways, I am sure that you are a true blessing in that kids life and I just wanted to give you props on your selflessness.

14

[quote]csulli wrote:
That being said, the possibility still exists that the dad is a massive negative influence who is very badly affecting his son’s psyche. Anyway I doubt he’s that great of a guy. I remember something about him getting away with some sort of vehicular homicide.[/quote]

The thing is, unless there is clear evidence the guy is abusing the boy, Spock has no choice but to allow visitation and make the best of it for her son. That’s the reality she’s dealing with.

15

[quote]csulli wrote:
That being said, the possibility still exists that the dad is a massive negative influence who is very badly affecting his son’s psyche. Anyway I doubt he’s that great of a guy. [/quote]

I don’t doubt for a second he’s a complete loser. My biological father certainly is/was.

But a boy doesn’t need to hear that.

This whole thing brings back a lot of memories.

I was about 12-13, hunting with my step-father and my little brother (1/2 brother). My biological dad had been giving my mom some sort of grief. Anyway, I was pissed and going on-and-on about what a piece of shit my biological dad was, down to, and including my plan to go and kill the piece of shit.

My step-dad — who is my real dad — who is all of 5’08" or so, but then a BLM police officer, told me to stop, and when I didn’t, he put me over his knee (and I was easily 6’0 200lbs at this time) and SPANKED THE SHIT OUT OF ME with his belt, telling me to “honor my father and my mother, even if my father is a piece of shit.”

Last time I was spanked. I also was (am) always polite about my biological father – at least around my parents.

We still laugh about that. My dad says he was worried I might kick his ass at the time.

16

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
You may also want to see if you can help your son process what’s going on in his life.

[/quote]

I think that this is very important. I my mom left when I was 6 and was raised by my dad, who was no picnic. I had no way to process or express what I was experiencing and the majority of it was anger. It ended up coming out through a lot of bad behaviors and created problems that probably didn’t need to be.

I’ll also 2x or 4x or what ever on the messaging he receives. After years of being told that she was a horrible person, didn’t love us, etc., when she finally took her own life I had nothing but indifference (at that time), which later turned into a whole other set of baggage, some of which still exists in spite of personal development and professional help.

Having the vocabulary and knowing that you are safe to express what you are feeling is very important.

17

[quote]jbpick86 wrote:

[quote]Bauber wrote:
Went through a similar situation with my fiancÃ?©’s little boy, who I now have custody of. Typical pos no job loser who came round when he felt like it which was 1-2 time a year. When she passed he came immediately and tried to get his SS card so he could file his SS and draw foodstamps etc on him since he’s a compete piece of shit.

I would also suggest against CPS unless you have a lawyer and he is doing harm or had poor living conditions etc. We used CPS once a lawyer was established and papers were in motion to build a better case and have more damning evidence which we didn’t even need in court, but had it in our pockets. He can only see him now if he pays and is on my terms at my house or his grandparents house.

I would honestly talk to a lawyer and possibly a counselor first so she can get an unbiased view of what’s going on. Then proceed from there. My little guy turns 6 in December so almost the exact age :).[/quote]

Bauber, I didn’t know this about you but would just like to commend you on being such a stand up guy. You didn’t have to do that for the kid and not a lot of people in your position would have unfortunately. Anyways, I am sure that you are a true blessing in that kids life and I just wanted to give you props on your selflessness. [/quote]

I had been with her since before he turned 1. And in reality he is all I have left of her. It can be hard at times looking at him because they have the EXACT same eyes. Plus, I don’t want to go into the next world having not done the right thing and meeting her wrath ;D.

And thank you. Oh and he calls me Daddy Hulk, so whats not to like? Haha

18

Thanks for the input everyone. To be clear I never talked about his dad with him up until reecently. He started brining up his feelings of hatred without me saying anything. He was super sick on Christmas and I tired texting his dad to see if we could switch days bit he ignored me . Then he had a friends birthday and I texted him again asking about a switch and he ignored me for days until my son fb messaged his sister to ask him if he would respond to us.

Those frustrating scenerois were the first time we openly talked about our dislike for him. He feels the way he feels on his own but he now knows how I feel too. But there truly is no talking to his dad. I swear he has no soul. Its not just that I dislike him its that he’s just beyond any asshole I’ve ever met.

He can’t feel empathy or something… gabe said he thought he was an evil genius (direct quote) because he hides his true nature from his sister. I lost my train of thought now cause a customer came in haha

19

[quote]Spock81 wrote:
He begs me to not make him sleep there but I have no choice. When he comes home he acts psycho. Like screaming about everything and smacking my hand away if I try to console him.

He yells a lot and is very very hard to tslk to. It lasts a couple days until daddy weekend wears off. Which is ok in the summer but back to school on monday is hard.[/quote]
As hard as it is to watch, this is normal. Not normal as in “healthy”, but I’ve seen two kids go through it and I’ve heard of similar situations. The post-visitation behavior change was just as drastic but just as temporary. It takes time for their brains to adjust between “there” and “here”.

Look around here to find someplace to talk:

You should be able to find free counseling for you and him (usually done separately. They’ll often have a group of women together [everyone will be telling the exact same story, it’s scary how similar the abusive behavior is] and kids either one-on-one or in a small group).

It’s not at all like seeing a psychologist, psychiatrist, or whatever. It’s talking to professionals who deal with these situations everyday, and they can direct you to whatever “next step” is most appropriate for everyone involved . I know someone who went through something very similar, and counseling at a local chapter of the Coalition Against Domestic Violence helped her and both of her sons.

20

[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:

[quote]csulli wrote:
That being said, the possibility still exists that the dad is a massive negative influence who is very badly affecting his son’s psyche. Anyway I doubt he’s that great of a guy. [/quote]

I don’t doubt for a second he’s a complete loser. My biological father certainly is/was.

But a boy doesn’t need to hear that.

This whole thing brings back a lot of memories.

I was about 12-13, hunting with my step-father and my little brother (1/2 brother). My biological dad had been giving my mom some sort of grief. Anyway, I was pissed and going on-and-on about what a piece of shit my biological dad was, down to, and including my plan to go and kill the piece of shit.

My step-dad — who is my real dad — who is all of 5’08" or so, but then a BLM police officer, told me to stop, and when I didn’t, he put me over his knee (and I was easily 6’0 200lbs at this time) and SPANKED THE SHIT OUT OF ME with his belt, telling me to “honor my father and my mother, even if my father is a piece of shit.”

Last time I was spanked. I also was (am) always polite about my biological father – at least around my parents.

We still laugh about that. My dad says he was worried I might kick his ass at the time.[/quote]

I’m not sure why, but I find this to be an oddly heartwarming story. Your step-dad/real dad sounds like a stand up guy (in this area anyway).

Spock, thankfully this isn’t my area of experience so I don’t really have anything for you. Sorry for your trouble.